Hosting divorced women for shabbos meals

amother

Smokey

Sun, Aug 11 2019, 12:44 am

There are divorced women who keep asking to be invited and I do occasionally, my thoughts.
I think divorced women should be mindful of what they talk about-not appropriate for my husband or not appropriate for my kids and all one of them does is talk about herself and work and she’s soooo opinionated. Another one is a bt and keeps asking questions.
If you want people to invite you try to be a pleasant guest!!! And please come on time and don’t stay too long!!

amother

Aquamarine

Sun, Aug 11 2019, 1:06 am

We have single parents, with or without kids, for meals on shabbos and yom Tov. It is not always a good match.

However, there are many ways to help a person feel cared for and welcome even if a shabbos lunch invitation is not on the list.

You can either look for reasons to help, or reasons to distance yourself from divorced men or women, widows/ widowers, caregivers, or anyone down on their luck. You dont need to care for all these people, just build an authentic relationship with the person you click with who could use a friend.

May you be blessed to always be on the giving side.

chestnut

Sun, Aug 11 2019, 1:16 am

amother [ Smokey ] wrote:

What's wrong with a BT asking questions?
Is your final point only relevant to your divorced guests?

DrMom

Sun, Aug 11 2019, 2:03 am

amother [ Smokey ] wrote:

I think divorced women should be mindful of what they talk about-not appropriate for my husband or not appropriate for my kids and all one of them does is talk about herself and work and she’s soooo opinionated. Another one is a bt and keeps asking questions.
If you want people to invite you try to be a pleasant guest!!! And please come on time and don’t stay too long!!

Why single out divorced women in your tirade?

Doesn't this apply to all guests, independent of gender or marital status?

amother

Salmon

Sun, Aug 11 2019, 2:36 am

amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:

I know you mean well, and yes, there are other ways to support divorcees, however, you obviously have no clue what it's like to hit Wednesday and to start dreading the weekend because you know that once again, you will spend Shabbos alone (with or without kids).

I attend a large shul in a large Jewish community. There all all types of Jews who come to Shul. I rarely get invites, and this is one of the friendliest shuls in town.

I prefer to sit at home alone, every single week then to ask people to host me. I am not a nebach case.

life is fun

Sun, Aug 11 2019, 5:11 am

amother [ Smokey ] wrote:

Im sorry but this applies to any guests whether divored, BT , widowed etc.

There are occasions where people dont know their boundaries or lack social skills...

Did you know that it is often hard already to go out knowing "im here because of my situation" ? (Can be felt at friends snd family too) Normally I would spend shabbos at home with my husband, go out as a family or host? And waiting for the questions of ones child/ children "where are we eating this week or who is coming to us.."
Unfortunately to many divorcees shabbos and yom tov has become a dread. (It can be a dread too in an awful marriage I know).

The point is even if you cant invite a divorced friend for whatever reason ACKNOWLEDGE her.
A text, a little cake (no need for fancy ) a flower ANYTHING, FEELING THAT ONE IS NOT FORGOTTEN AT FAMILY TIMES LIKE SHABBOS, YOM TOV, VACATION TIMES
means so much.

ora_43

Sun, Aug 11 2019, 6:07 am

Honestly? It wouldn't occur to me that a divorced woman with kids would want to be invited to other people any more than a married woman with kids would.

IOW if we were friends and lived near each other I'd invite her, if she made it clear she'd like an invite I'd invite her. But stam, a divorced woman in the neighborhood, I wouldn't be thinking of her as someone in the category of people who might need an invite.

heidi

Sun, Aug 11 2019, 6:18 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Would you invite a divorced woman over for a shabbos meal?
Full disclaimer: I’m divorced. And I’ve heard from a few married people they are uncomfortable with it because of their husbands. This is really surprising for me to hear because I’m very introverted and wouldn’t dream of flirting with someone else’s husband. I also have my kids with me all the time so wouldn’t that make a difference in the comfort level at the table?

I tend to think that a woman who flirts with a married guy does it because she has boundary issues and it has little to do if she’s married, divorced or never married. It’s more her personality and how respectful she is of someone’s marriage.

What do you think? would you invite divorced women? I think divorced men get invited more because they’re in shul and seen more. But divorced women can easily be forgotten about.

I'm just seeing your post now and it makes me sick.
Especially on tisha b'av.
Of course I invite divorced/widowed women- with and without children.
Having over another family is fun.
Having a woman who really needs the invitation is hachnasat orchim.
I cannot even understand some of the posters objections.

amother

Slategray

Sun, Aug 11 2019, 7:59 am

I was shocked the first time I heard that divorced women look for and expect an invitation out every week, especially when they had their children with them. It made them especially sad to spend a meal alone with their children. I do not mean to be judgmental and I am always happy to invite people that would like to eat with company.
Yet, when I was divorced with a small child, I did not want to convey that we are not OK just the way we are. I would not want my child feeling incomplete or less than or that if it is just us we are having a sorry, sad Shabbat.
I made kiddush, we sang zmirot, we played. Sometimes we ate out. Sometimes we had company. We went to the park after lunch so he could play with his friends.
What I absolutely hated was when, after davening, a woman would come over to me and say, Oh I didn't know you'd be home, please join us for lunch.
While I'm sure the intent was pure, remembering me a few days earlier would have been more helpful.

life is fun

Sun, Aug 11 2019, 11:25 am

amother [ Slategray ] wrote:

I think this is very individual.

Not every divorcee is expecting to be invited every shabbos meal,
neither is everyone everyone happy to be alone all the time.
Different family stups and circumstances have different needs. it is different when one has very young child/children, young ones or teenagers... etc

There is no black and white rule, that is why I mentioned earlier acknowledgement(doesnt have to be an invitation)goes a long way

zaq

Sun, Aug 11 2019, 12:34 pm

What naturalmom said. FTR it’s not just a frum thing. In secular society the divorcée is viewed as on the hunt for a man and no man is off limits. Doesn’t matter if she’s sworn off men forever because her ex was a chronic philanderer who gave her an STD and kept in shape by using her for a punching bag.

I would totally invite a divorced friend. She doesn’t stop being my friend because she’s divorced any more than she stops being my friend because she’s widowed or never married.

amother

Black

Sun, Aug 11 2019, 12:47 pm

I used to have a divorced neighbor who was by us for a meal . She was waaayy too chatty with my husband . Even when she’d see him on the block she’d approach him . I’ve seen the interaction . It’s all one sided , she chases after my husband .
That is my only bad experience . I still have divorced women and there’s no issue .
HOWEVER , many times the female guest and I will get into conversations and my husband gets bored (u know how it is sometimes when women get together ..) . So well usually invite others as well . It can also get uncomfortable (and I do admit , I don’t love it ) when The wife is in the kitchen half the time and it leaves husband with the single woman at the table as the only 2 adults

amother

Firebrick

Sun, Aug 11 2019, 3:35 pm

I got divorced specifically to flirt with other women's husbands at Shabbos meals.

I mean, who wouldn't trade in the comfort comfort and dignity of marriage for a chance to throw herself at a strange man while his wife serves gefilte fish?

You are all right to be afraid.