Hosting divorced women for shabbos meals

amother

Brown

Sun, Oct 06 2019, 10:49 am

100%, this is her personality. She has been like this since we were kids. I have nothing against hosting divorced women at all. This is just my experience with the divorced woman closest to me. I dont enjoy having her because she, personally, is not a pleasant guest. But im sure that if you asked her, she would think I dont invite her enough, that as a friend my house should be open to her coming all the time, that she is an amazing guest. For all I know, she could be posting here saying those things. Sometimes people arent inviting, not because they are busy and didnt think about it etc, but because they actually dont want to host you.
Im sorry, I know im being really harsh. I would never ever say anything remotely like this to her but sometimes I think she should know so that she would get herself the help she needs. She needs therapy but wont go because she doesnt think she needs it. Whatever, this is more complicated than just this hosting thing obviously and im reallly frustrated with her right now and its coming out here.

amother

Tangerine

Sun, Oct 06 2019, 11:02 am

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

Unfortunately there is a lot of overlap between individuals with personality issues, and individuals who are divorced...

No there isn’t. That’s an incorrect, ignorant observation. There are plenty of married people who have all sorts of flaws and bad character traits.

amother

Pewter

Sun, Oct 06 2019, 11:30 am

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

No there isn’t. That’s an incorrect, ignorant observation. There are plenty of married people who have all sorts of flaws and bad character traits.

That's true, but people who are impossible to live with usually end up getting divorced sooner or later. So the percentage of divorcees who are impossible to live with/ have serious character flaws, is naturally going to be higher than that of the general population.

At any rate in order to be divorced, you had to have been married first....

amother

Tangerine

Sun, Oct 06 2019, 12:12 pm

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

If someone got divorced, their ex-spouse May have been the one who was impossible to live with. Don’t tar everyone with the same brush.

amother

Pewter

Sun, Oct 06 2019, 12:39 pm

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

If someone got divorced, their ex-spouse May have been the one who was impossible to live with. Don’t tar everyone with the same brush.

Isn't that a 50/50 chance that s/he was the impossible one/ one of two impossible people?
And unless they didn't have a say in who they married, then even if their spouse is at fault, doesn't it say something about them that they chose an impossible person to marry?

I didn't say anything about everyone.

Just that the percentage of impossible people is higher among divorcees than among the general population.

There are sweet divorcees who are amazing people. Didn't say otherwise.

zaq

Sun, Oct 06 2019, 3:42 pm

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

Unfortunately there is a lot of overlap between individuals with personality issues, and individuals who are divorced...

There's a lot of overlap between individuals who are divorced and individuals who wear underwear. So your point is...?

seeker

Sun, Oct 06 2019, 7:51 pm

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

Nobody chooses to marry an impossible person. Can't Believe It

As for the rest, theoretically what you're saying makes sense. But from the many, many, many individuals I've met it doesn't hold true. Even if they were the ones who had the issues that destroyed the marriage, it isn't necessarily the type of thing that would affect more casual social relationships like Shabbos hosts or fellow guests. And even if there were a higher percentage of impossible people among divorcees, that percentage could still be very low.

amother

Magenta

Sun, Oct 06 2019, 8:44 pm

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

How charming.
Thank you.

"And unless they didn't have a say in who they married, then even if their spouse is at fault, doesn't it say something about them that they chose an impossible person to marry?"

People change and we all know know that. Sometimes you grow together and sometimes not, you grow apart.
Can you predict that?
Maybe you can..... I couldn't.
So my dh changed and we grew apart.

Am I a fool bec I married him??

I dont think so tbh. I wouldn't have been the same person without having been married to him!!

amother

Pewter

Mon, Oct 07 2019, 2:15 am

amother [ Magenta ] wrote:

How is what you wrote about growing apart connected to what I wrote about impossible people?

amother

Magenta

Mon, Oct 07 2019, 2:28 am

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

How is what you wrote about growing apart connected to what I wrote about impossible people?

it seems that I chose a person who was impossiblle to be married to to marry because I got divorced.
When I chose to marry him he wasnt the same like he is now....

amother

Pewter

Mon, Oct 07 2019, 2:33 am

amother [ Magenta ] wrote:

it seems that I chose a person who was impossiblle to be married to to marry because I got divorced.
When I chose to marry him he wasnt the same like he is now....

No, some people get divorced because they're no longer compatible, and continue to treat each other decently after the divorce.
And some people get divorced because they are impossible to live with (see discussion about the coworker).
2 completely separate issues....

amother

Magenta

Mon, Oct 07 2019, 2:42 am

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

Aaah ok.
I misunderstood then. Sorry.

Didnt realise you referred to that.

amother

Navy

Mon, Oct 07 2019, 5:26 am

Please continue to invite me to your shabbos meals! But yes, as a woman who was previously married, I know how to connect to the men around me in a more intimate way than when I was a single, if I so choose. I also struggle way more with the desire to connect to the men around me than when I was single. I am not trying to steal your husband, but I def joke with my divorced friends that us divorced women are dangerous! Let the tomatoes fly!

Ruchel

Mon, Oct 07 2019, 5:36 am

You're doing no justice to righteous divorced people (men too can be suspected).

Also nah hun, you're not dangerous. There are singles with more experience than married. There are also many men who just don't care for your connecting, especially married.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Oct 07 2019, 6:43 am

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

Unfortunately there is a lot of overlap between individuals with personality issues, and individuals who are divorced...

Wow, that is one grossly exaggerated stereotype. Please, take this thought out of your mind. I know many divorced people and many (most??) dont have any mental health issues.
What a terrible generalization to make.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Oct 07 2019, 6:47 am

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

Im sorry but being impossible to live with and having serious character flaws does not mean that that person has a mental illness. Puleeze! One does not automatically mean the other. Think about what you are saying.

amother

Pewter

Mon, Oct 07 2019, 6:49 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Where did I say mental illness?

amother

Cerulean

Mon, Oct 07 2019, 7:15 am

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

Do you realize that you are saying? People change after they marry sometimes. And sometimes people hide things very well so the prospective spouse doesnt see the true them.
My husband changed a lot after we got married. I am not going to go into the details as they are not important here, but lets just say, I knew nothing of this difficult person when we were dating. If I would have known then what I know now, well over a decade of marriage, I would not have married him. So its not always so simple really.