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Simchas are bh overtaking my life
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asmileaday




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 12:42 pm
Mama Bear wrote:
What??? Honestly: you dont have to attend any of those simchos. I don't work at all, and I literally don't attend simchos that are not local to me. Again, I'll go my nieces and nephews weddings, but I point-blank skip first cousins weddings that are not local. I even skip my niecees / nephews' vorts that are not local. I can't leave my 6 yr old for so many hours - he can't possibly be asleep before we leave, and he won't let a babysitter put him to bed. And when my 14 yr old comes home from a long day at yeshiva, he needs to have his mother home.

I figured, I only have 2 kids, all these ppl will come back to my simchos anyway. Why am I "punished" that I have to attend 1000 non-local simchos, of ppl I barely care about?

Don't feel bad for one second. Please!!!


Ha your post made me chuckle I can so relate. My mom comes from a HUGE family. If I traveled to every first cousin or first cousins child's wedding I'd never be home!

The bolded I can relate to as well. I only have 3 kids. I feel like whoever comes to my simcha should come because they WANT to, not because I came to their simcha.

Now besides for all the weddings, my immediate family is b"h having babies every year or 2. Multiply that by double digit siblings on each side. Shalom zucher, vachtnacht, bris kiddush, the simchos are endless!
B"h I'm not complaining.
We are a big believer of sharing simchos of immediate family members (siblings). We've traveled for shabbos kiddush, vachtnachts and more. But we are starting to realize we can't attend all.
As not nice as it sounds, for those siblings that we are close with (it's usually a mutual effort to be close- it's a 2 way street) we will do everything we can to join their simcha. For all the others, sorry I'll put my family first.
That's life.
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pesek zman




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 1:15 pm
This is interesting. Part of my family is chassidish. My aunt has 10 kids and several of her children are close to thst number already. I skipped the wedding of one of my first cousins once removed last year and the mom (my first cousin through marriage) Gave me such attitude about it! I was like, really? You have 10 kids and 10 sibling and 10 sibling in laws. Your simcha was well attended. You really care that I didnt come? I found it so rude that I’m thinking about it even months later
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ShishKabob




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 1:20 pm
pesek zman wrote:
This is interesting. Part of my family is chassidish. My aunt has 10 kids and several of her children are close to thst number already. I skipped the wedding of one of my first cousins once removed last year and the mom (my first cousin through marriage) Gave me such attitude about it! I was like, really? You have 10 kids and 10 sibling and 10 sibling in laws. Your simcha was well attended. You really care that I didnt come? I found it so rude that I’m thinking about it even months later

Perspective my friend.
She sounded rude to you, however, she must care so much about you, that even if she had such a well attended wedding she still noticed and cared that you weren't there.
Sorry that she came across that way to you.

OP, I just want to say that I REALLY understand and sympathize with you.
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pesek zman




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 1:26 pm
ShishKabob wrote:
Perspective my friend.
She sounded rude to you, however, she must care so much about you, that even if she had such a well attended wedding she still noticed and cared that you weren't there.
Sorry that she came across that way to you.

OP, I just want to say that I REALLY understand and sympathize with you.


I tried seeing it that way but I just don’t buy it. It struck me as self centered and as not being dan lkaf zchus (as to why I didn’t come. There was a real tangible reason I didn’t go but I also clued her in to be mindful that to be going to wedding of your contemporary’s children when you are infertile and desperately trying to expand your family isn’t ideal.
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amother




Khaki


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 3:01 pm
pesek zman wrote:
I tried seeing it that way but I just don’t buy it. It struck me as self centered and as not being dan lkaf zchus (as to why I didn’t come. There was a real tangible reason I didn’t go but I also clued her in to be mindful that to be going to wedding of your contemporary’s children when you are infertile and desperately trying to expand your family isn’t ideal.


Exactly!! I agree. Its the attitude of "I care about so you must come" instead of "I care about you but if you are not coming, you must have a very important reason you are not coming and I still have my many other relatives there sharing my simcha with me".

But, everyone has a good reason not to attend and as long as there are a lot of ppl there, the baal simcha shld understand. But, many relatives of mine pressured me and made me feel guilty just like you explained you felt.
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amother




White


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 3:07 pm
There are advantages to small families.
When you have ten siblings and each has ten kids, then it is practically impossible to share in all the smachot.
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amother




Khaki


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 3:07 pm
asmileaday wrote:
Ha your post made me chuckle I can so relate. My mom comes from a HUGE family. If I traveled to every first cousin or first cousins child's wedding I'd never be home!

The bolded I can relate to as well. I only have 3 kids. I feel like whoever comes to my simcha should come because they WANT to, not because I came to their simcha.

Now besides for all the weddings, my immediate family is b"h having babies every year or 2. Multiply that by double digit siblings on each side. Shalom zucher, vachtnacht, bris kiddush, the simchos are endless!
B"h I'm not complaining.
We are a big believer of sharing simchos of immediate family members (siblings). We've traveled for shabbos kiddush, vachtnachts and more. But we are starting to realize we can't attend all.
As not nice as it sounds, for those siblings that we are close with (it's usually a mutual effort to be close- it's a 2 way street) we will do everything we can to join their simcha. For all the others, sorry I'll put my family first.
That's life.


I disagree with you and mama bear. It doesnt matter how many kids you have. You wrote" they shld want to come not because you came to their simchas". But, then that is a 2 way street. They can also say that you shld want to come even if you have a reason....

They can say they are also putting their family first and cant come. If they come to your children's simchas, good for you. But, I think its hypocritical to expect them to want to come but you dont go to theirs. This means you do understand the importance of going but only put that burden on yourself!! Interesting!! Personally, since I have so many sibilings and we dont keep in touch, im fine with my friends and neighbors who know my kids...to come instead of sibilings. If I did expect them to come, then I would have to go their simchos too. Its a 2 way street. If you dont expect it from yourself, why expect from them??
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Learning




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 3:53 pm
I wish we had a big rabbi that would put a limit on all the events and spending it’s just getting out of hand and everyone feels obligated to do the same for their children. It’s getting insane!
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asmileaday




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 4:36 pm
amother [ Khaki ] wrote:
I disagree with you and mama bear. It doesnt matter how many kids you have. You wrote" they shld want to come not because you came to their simchas". But, then that is a 2 way street. They can also say that you shld want to come even if you have a reason....

They can say they are also putting their family first and cant come. If they come to your children's simchas, good for you. But, I think its hypocritical to expect them to want to come but you dont go to theirs. This means you do understand the importance of going but only put that burden on yourself!! Interesting!! Personally, since I have so many sibilings and we dont keep in touch, im fine with my friends and neighbors who know my kids...to come instead of sibilings. If I did expect them to come, then I would have to go their simchos too. Its a 2 way street. If you dont expect it from yourself, why expect from them??


Where do you see that I expect anyone to come? Absolutely not. You completely misunderstood. The bold isn't what I said, it's what you decided to hear. I wrote that IF they come it should be because they WANT to. That's very different from saying I expect them to want to come. See the difference?
If your sole reason of coming to my simcha is because I came to yours, then by all means, stay home.
I recently made bar mitzvah. I absolutely did not expect anyone to come. I know that those who came really wanted to be there and they let me know that.
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amother




Black


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 4:47 pm
I recently married off a child and clearly stated to all that while I would love to have them join in every part if this week long simcha - I understand if they can’t make it.
In fact since some of my children had to travel after a day of work and I told them that they can skip a sheva brachos, or come without children or just one adult without spouse, whatever they can do. And the mechutanim did the same. The thank yous and sighs of relief were very very loud.
Yes simchas are important. Yes one should try to go. But some families and communities are bh getting bigger and bigger and at some point it’s not doable. So do whatever you need to.
In any case may this be your biggest dilemma in life.
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Mama Bear




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 9:06 pm
amother [ Khaki ] wrote:
I disagree with you and mama bear. It doesnt matter how many kids you have. You wrote" they shld want to come not because you came to their simchas". But, then that is a 2 way street. They can also say that you shld want to come even if you have a reason....

They can say they are also putting their family first and cant come. If they come to your children's simchas, good for you. But, I think its hypocritical to expect them to want to come but you dont go to theirs. This means you do understand the importance of going but only put that burden on yourself!! Interesting!! Personally, since I have so many sibilings and we dont keep in touch, im fine with my friends and neighbors who know my kids...to come instead of sibilings. If I did expect them to come, then I would have to go their simchos too. Its a 2 way street. If you dont expect it from yourself, why expect from them??


I'm not expecting everyone to come. I don't even WANT everyone to come. There won't be room! I'm not a person who cares how many ppl I have at my simchos, and I understand very much that people have lives and circumstances and can't always be in attendance.

But I know that most people will come, bc I'm only making 2 chasunos in my life, and they will want to come and wish me mazel tov.

I certainly don't have to travel every single time to a cousin who has bli ayin hora 12 children. If I can make it to half or even a third of her kids' wedidngs, great. if not, guess what, I won't be upset if she doesnt make it to my 2.
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Mama Bear




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 9:10 pm
My mother in law, bless her heart, finally realized, at the wedding festivities of grandchild #8 keninahora, that not all of her 12 children can show up every time she makes sheva brachos, at the early time she requests. I simply cannot go out until my 6 yr old is asleep, which can easily be 8:30 pm. She wants us all there at 7:30. It's just not gonna happen. I'm not gonna give my kid melochew to fall asleep earlier so I can run out to a sheva bruchos. So at this point, she only invites a couple of her kids - the ones who have babysitters and can run out of the house at 7:30 -- and invites anyone who desires, to come over for benching. She wants the sheva brachos to end early and hates these late starts (bar mitzvahs, tneoyims, and sheva brachos rarely start before 9:30 pm in willy), but that's generally when most people are able to get out of the house after finishing bedtime and such. (My 14 yr old goes to bed at 9, and he really doesnt like it if I leave before he's in bed, for example.) So I really appreciate that she stopped requesting everyone to be present for every shevabrochos she makes.
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asmileaday




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 9:14 pm
Mama Bear wrote:
My mother in law, bless her heart, finally realized, at the wedding festivities of grandchild #8 keninahora, that not all of her 12 children can show up every time she makes sheva brachos, at the early time she requests. I simply cannot go out until my 6 yr old is asleep, which can easily be 8:30 pm. She wants us all there at 7:30. It's just not gonna happen. I'm not gonna give my kid melochew to fall asleep earlier so I can run out to a sheva bruchos. So at this point, she only invites a couple of her kids - the ones who have babysitters and can run out of the house at 7:30 -- and invites anyone who desires, to come over for benching. She wants the sheva brachos to end early and hates these late starts (bar mitzvahs, tneoyims, and sheva brachos rarely start before 9:30 pm in willy), but that's generally when most people are able to get out of the house after finishing bedtime and such. (My 14 yr old goes to bed at 9, and he really doesnt like it if I leave before he's in bed, for example.) So I really appreciate that she stopped requesting everyone to be present for every shevabrochos she makes.


Off topic but how do you get your 14yr old to go to bed at 9? My 13yr old rarely goes to bed before 10. And with the late maarivs it gets even later.
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amother




Khaki


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 11:51 pm
asmileaday wrote:
Where do you see that I expect anyone to come? Absolutely not. You completely misunderstood. The bold isn't what I said, it's what you decided to hear. I wrote that IF they come it should be because they WANT to. That's very different from saying I expect them to want to come. See the difference?
If your sole reason of coming to my simcha is because I came to yours, then by all means, stay home.
I recently made bar mitzvah. I absolutely did not expect anyone to come. I know that those who came really wanted to be there and they let me know that.


Ok. I misunderstood. Good point.
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amother




Khaki


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 11:52 pm
Mama Bear wrote:
I'm not expecting everyone to come. I don't even WANT everyone to come. There won't be room! I'm not a person who cares how many ppl I have at my simchos, and I understand very much that people have lives and circumstances and can't always be in attendance.

But I know that most people will come, bc I'm only making 2 chasunos in my life, and they will want to come and wish me mazel tov.

I certainly don't have to travel every single time to a cousin who has bli ayin hora 12 children. If I can make it to half or even a third of her kids' wedidngs, great. if not, guess what, I won't be upset if she doesnt make it to my 2.


Good point. I misunderstood the earlier post.
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Mama Bear




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 05 2019, 1:54 pm
asmileaday wrote:
Off topic but how do you get your 14yr old to go to bed at 9? My 13yr old rarely goes to bed before 10. And with the late maarivs it gets even later.


So sorry I didnt check back in to reply.
It's a personality type. My son knows he needs his sleep and he's not a night person, so he goes to bed within half an hour of coming home from the night seder (mishmar? masmidim?)
Sometimes it will take him longer to get ready for bed, I.e. he can't find his clothes for the next day, or something like that. If it starts turning into 9:30 pm he gets extremely upset and starts having a meltdown. he gets up extremely early in the morning (5:30 am) and it can often take him til close to 10 to really fall asleep (he reads in bed) and he knows if he gets less than 7-8 hours of sleep he won't function the next day.
I'm lucky I guess Very Happy.

P.S. I think it also helps that we made it clear after his bar mitzvah that we will not be responsible for waking him in the mornings so he makes the bus and it's 100% on his achrayus (barring any special circumstances such as a late wedding and he goes later) and he does not want to be late, so he goes to be early.
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Mama Bear




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 05 2019, 1:55 pm
Obviously with late maariv's there's less of a choice in the matter, but when there's late maariv's his bus is later (7:30 am) so he can go to sleep at 10 and still get 8 hours of sleep.
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asmileaday




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 05 2019, 3:21 pm
MamaBear I guess it does boil down to personality.
Since my 13yr old began shachris in kitah vav it's been his responsibility to wake up in the morning. B"h no issues with that.
He doesn't mind going to sleep late and I guess he's right because he wakes up on time. (It's me who would prefer he go to bed early lol.)
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dankbar




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 05 2019, 11:40 pm
I missed many simchas this week, but too bad, I can't be all over.
Sunday, family friend made a vort upstate. Skipped.
Monday my classmate, made a vort for her son locally, wanted to go but my hub was out for a vort that a shul member made. My adult son had a wedding of a friend, so no babysitter.
Tuesday, one classmate made vort for her son 1/2 hour drive away, not in my neighborhood, skipped.
Other classmate made a wedding for her son upstate, skipped.
Wednesday, classmate, cousin, friend made wedding 1/2 hr drive away. Wanted to be there early, but in reality my hub & self were there only from 10-11:30. Feel bad but I hope she will forgive me for not being there entire night.
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Ruchel




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Sep 06 2019, 9:06 am
Niece is niece. I'd be there for wedding and if local fr engagement
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