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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Sep 02 2019, 8:03 pm
My 15 year old son very independent, he thinks he is 18 when he is only 15 . I get very nervous letting him go to stores on his own ... I always hope they stay safe especially from strangers, I feel that I'm more on top of my teenagers then my little ones I must say. My younger children listen more then my big ones. Is it normal? Like when I go shopping and I hurry up to be home... my teenager will have the world's time... he wont come with me he still wants to stay (talking about sfurim store) wont have a way home for him , he will take a car service on his own and I'm too nervous. How can I deal with that ? I cant fight with him in the store, he wants to stay and I must leave to take care of my youngsters.
I'm very worried they should keep themselves safe and only do good stuff but I guess my only solution is to daven.

Am I the only anxious mother of a teenager??
I might be too overprotective maybe ? Eventhough I'm overprotective I'm loosing it because my son feels very independent ... and does what he feels is good for him . What can I do about it?
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nanny24/7




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Sep 02 2019, 8:24 pm
It's hard to say as I don't know your child or how safe your neighborhood is or not.
But I have let a child of 10 go to a store within a 2 block radius of my house him or herself.
So I probably would be okay with a 15 year old alone in a sefarim store.
Can you speak to other mothers from his cohort of friends to get an idea of what's standard independence for that age and that town / city?
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teachkids




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Sep 02 2019, 8:24 pm
By 15 I was going out with friends all the time and even occasionally alone. As long as the area he's in is a safe area and he can preplan how he's getting home, it's time to let him grow up. My mom's only rule was that I had to have a phone on.
That being said I had a friend who couldn't go anywhere alone till she was 18 and is still nervous about traveling alone
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amother




Burlywood


Post  Mon, Sep 02 2019, 8:25 pm
Are you the same OP of How To Let Go?
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Sep 02 2019, 9:03 pm
No it's not the same OP. Seems like I'm not the only worried mom.
My son actually does have the responsibility to come home on time meaning not to much longer ... but ever since I have a teenager I have anxiety... why? Good question... I hope I will get better with time handling that he isnt 10 year olds ... I feel he changed a milestone! Suddenly he goes comes very easily meaning even with taxis (going local) but I'm so not used to this . He changed hebecame older and I so did I change that always worry... I didnt used to be like this ... I'm happy he knows to come home and not let me wait for hours, just I cant live the next 4 years with always worrying ... I really should have emuna and working on that very hard. But need to hear about other teens... it might be a normal stage ,hes my oldest and I dont know the norm.
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dankbar




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Sep 02 2019, 9:36 pm
Now is the time to let him grow up. In just a bit he will need to get married. When they are young your job is to provide their needs. Now as he grows older, your job is to back off & let him gain his independence. Its ridiculous that you need to accompany him to a seforim store. Its not healthy to be so overprotective, it's stifling for him. So many boys this age are dorming in yeshiva. If you are nervous, maybe he can go with a friend, have a phone with him etc. You need to work on your anxiety.
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amother




Periwinkle


Post  Mon, Sep 02 2019, 9:44 pm
How does he get to yeshiva? Is it only stores?
When my kids wanted to go to shopping malls, I went with them but arranged a meeting point and time ( way back before cell phones) and let them roam around. At 15 They had various summer jobs or bein hazmanim jobs.
Be happy he is independent but teach him safety guidelines. It’s normal to worry but the worry should not choke you or him.
BTW why is this in the cooking section?
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Sep 02 2019, 9:47 pm
To be straightforward. My point wasnt basting on the being alone in the sfurim store. I get nervous when he is left there and then has to take car service by himself .
Are u guys ok with your teens going by themselves in a car service ? For me it's very unsafe . I dont know, am I being too nieve or what? He is 15 not 20 ... honestly when I was a teen I was petrified going myself with lafamilua my son has no problem with it.. I dont want him to get to comfortable with car services. Anyway , I like to hear is it ok?
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oneofakind




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Sep 02 2019, 9:54 pm
15 year old boys are just as safe in a taxi as you are. He needs to be allowed to go places by himself.
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Sep 02 2019, 10:01 pm
Wow I'm surprised to hear that it's so normal.
I do want him to feel like I trust him tho, I was just not sure if I'm missing a tool of parenting the right way when letting him go/come whenever he decides or taking car service ... he does let me know before he goes or comes but It almost gets my blood pressure up because I'm not comfortable him feeling too easy with these things ... so in other words what I hear is that I should give into this.
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Sep 02 2019, 10:07 pm
Maybe I should open a different thread for this...
what is with teens being on the phone for hours ? My son is glued to his phone . Dont laugh @ me . Its really a difficalt stage I feel like another adult is living with us. I love him to pieces but miss his younger nature ... it's to much of a change for me. am I the only one feeling like this ??
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oneofakind




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Sep 02 2019, 10:15 pm
He is growing up. Yes, it is a little like a mini adult living in the house. Time to get used to it now, before you know it he'll be out of your house.
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amother




Turquoise


Post  Mon, Sep 02 2019, 10:40 pm
OP, I guess you live in Monsey. Why are you nervous about him going alone to stores?? Kids younger than 15 go alone to stores. And I wouldn't be nervous about taking a la familia car either. It's a good idea for him to go out with a kosher phone so he should be able to reach you.
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amother




Cerulean


Post  Mon, Sep 02 2019, 11:25 pm
I went to school on the other side of the world (literally) when I was 14.

A 15 year old getting around alone in your own city is normal and healthy. Certainly no big deal or cause for anxiety.
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Sep 02 2019, 11:42 pm
Thanks for all replies. I feel much better that it's ok and normal ... I just feel the teen boys need to be protected from ppl that have sickness problems... like where does molest happen? Just from leaving kids too loose and That's what really scares me! I know that daven is the answer. Hope I will beable to calm myself and think more about positive outcomes rather then the other way. Working on myself...
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dankbar




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Sep 02 2019, 11:50 pm
Teach him about safety. The more you trust the better he will turn out to be, by not trusting him is worse off for him.
If he is a chasdidishe bochur, he is going tp mikve every day.....stories happen there & in yeshiva & in camp among heimishe people, you are not guaranteed either.
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dankbar




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Sep 02 2019, 11:52 pm
You are saying glued to his phone....is that with a screen or just talking on phone?
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, Sep 03 2019, 12:07 am
We do have a kosher cellphone for my family members of course, without it I do not know how I would cope . That's how I keep in touch with them while their out.
He talks on that phone, plain cell phone nothing he can be exposed too, yea I do find I have to become easier with these things and not be too hard on mysef,its not healthy for me.
And Must add that I recieved very decent responses here and bh nothing offensive, (sometimes responses can be insensitive ) I'm sometimes scared to open up to view messages ... what if I get a disappointing responses.. bh I was recieving very nice and positive feedback. Thank you!
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amother




Tangerine


Post  Tue, Sep 03 2019, 12:40 am
dankbar wrote:
Teach him about safety. The more you trust the better he will turn out to be, by not trusting him is worse off for him.
If he is a chasdidishe bochur, he is going tp mikve every day.....stories happen there & in yeshiva & in camp among heimishe people, you are not guaranteed either.

This. Rather than obsessing and worrying, just teach him about safety, daven, and let go.
Just one thing: If you will teach him about safety when sounding as nervous and anxious as you do here, you will just freak him out. It should be a calm discussion. You brush your teeth every day. You eat vegetables. It is never ok for anyone to touch you in any area typically covered by underwear. You walk away and call your parents when something doesn't feel right. You look before you cross you cross the street. Calm but clear, just like anything else you'd teach him.
Empower your son and then you can worry less.
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, Sep 03 2019, 1:03 am
Tangerine 100% well said! We gotta teach them how to stay safe . Just to tell a 15 year old about watching out on inappropriate touching ... I think this needs to be addressed when much younger ... if I havnt ever faced this topic with him before how can I start @ age 15 ? I feel its important to always talk when they younger about it so makes it more comfortable to relate about this when older , I've hardly discussed with him this topic so I'm having hard time exploring it now( I will have to find a way I'm not going to keep quiet) but my younger child I will definitely start to be more open about this.
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