High school chesed programs

amother

Wine

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 9:32 pm

amother [ Purple ] wrote:

I'm wondering if you feel the same way about production/play. It's usually mandatory. It often keeps the girls in school late once a week for a couple months and then almost daily for a week or two at the end. You can get your daughter out of it, but she may not be happy about it.

I feel you are being mean to a hardworking mother.

southernbubby

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 9:36 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank goodness, my daughter shows more caring and understanding than many adults. The few weeks that it involves after school hours, she tries her utmost to work it out with me. And I extend myself those few weeks as much as I could. It's very far from easy though.

I've gotten one thing from this thread, besides for 'whining'. I'm now immensely proud of my daughter, as I see she's demonstrates more responsiveness, understanding and character than people double her age.

So use the assertiveness that you have shown here when you deal with the school.
Maybe she can help with a Shabbos b'nos group or visit an elderly neighbor on Shabbos afternoon. It should be your decision and there may be times when it just won't work out.

amother

Wine

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 9:40 pm

groovy1224 wrote:

I'm not sure I understand you.

Here you're saying she's so overloaded she has no time to breathe.

But then how are you expecting her to help out at home? You can't say she doesn't have time to do the school chesed program because she's already so overburdened but then expect to put her to work..

I just don't think it's fair to say she can't do this extra curricular once a week because you need her help. I get that it's hard to raise a young family and it's okay to expect family to do their part but her job right now is to be a kid, IMO.

No you don't understand her.
The mother may simply need her to cut up an apple so the eight year old can finally be ready for bed.
Or the mother may simply say: please put the soup in a plastic container and put it in the freezer.
Or the mother may simply say: find shmuly's pjs in the dryer and give it to him, and give him his favorite blanket. he left it in on the dining room floor this morning.
Or bring me Malky's new dress, fold it neatly in the bag and hang it on the door knob so I could take it to the seamstress as I leave the house.
ONE MORE PAIR OF HANDS. YES, SHE IS LOADED WITH HOMEWORK AND HAS NO TIME TO BREATHE BUT THESE SMALL DEEDS ARE VERY BIG DEEDS and saves the family sanity.
If someone says something, try to hear them out...

amother

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 9:41 pm

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

So you expect your daughter to be home every single day after school? Is that what she would choose to do if given the choice?

No, I don't. I work a few days a week, but those days change weekly. I work different days weekly. My daughter just checks in with me before she makes any plans.

We've created a balance that works well for all of us, and everyone is B"H thriving. I don't think an entire household needs to bend over backwards to accommodate this program. Chesed begins at home.

And for those of you who are concerned about my daughter learning how to do chesed for others, my daughter was home for a half a summer, and she spent many a day lending a hand to a neighbor in need. All of her own initiative.

Parents can also teach kids, not only schools.

amother

Tangerine

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 9:46 pm

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

I feel you are being mean to a hardworking mother.

How? By pointing out that a girl might enjoy an after school activity more than slaving away at home? I have no doubt that OP is a very hardworking mother and is feeling overwhelmed, but it is not the daughter's responsibility to be home every single day after school. OP simply needs to figure out other childcare arrangements.

amother

Wine

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 9:49 pm

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

So you expect your daughter to be home every single day after school? Is that what she would choose to do if given the choice?

amother Tangerine.

It sounds like you don't have any sympathy for OP's situation.

amother

Magenta

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 9:51 pm

OP, I'm totally with you. I don't know why so many posters here aren't getting it. There is no reason for you not to rely on your daughter as appropriate for her age and temperament. You are a hard-working mom, working for the good of your family -including your DD- and you are very entitled to 'first dibs' on her time, just as she is entitled to first dibs on your time (above friends or neighbors, etc.). Unless it means fighting City Hall, I most definitely would try to get DD less mandatory hours. I probably would try to work it out so that she could do at least a bit, so that you can show you're meeting halfway, and DD can experience whatever it is that she is supposed to experience...
Give it a go and let us know:)

amother

Magenta

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 9:53 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You don't have to justify yourself. Some posters just like to argue. You're doing just fine.

amother

Wine

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 9:55 pm

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

Where does slaving away at home come into the picture.

My daughter's school had off Fridays and for several years my husband made her go to bed
at 9:30 every Thursday and she would be up Friday at 7:30 to help me prepare for Shabos.
All her friends slept late. This was the only way our family coped through a difficult time.
She is married now, with no resentment. She has happy, fond teenage memories.
I wish your children the same NO RESENTMENT, happy, fond childhood/teenage memories.

Trust OP. She knows what she is doing.

amother

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 9:55 pm

amother [ Magenta ] wrote:

You don't have to justify yourself. Some posters just like to argue. You're doing just fine.

Thank you, I really appreciate the validation. I'll be giving it a go later this week, & will report back Smile

amother

Magenta

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 9:58 pm

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

I don't know OP, and I don't know her daughter, but she very clearly stated that its NOT on a daily basis. But even if it were? I assume mom is bringing in the dough to help DD keep up with material and social trends, get a good education, have a roof over her head, be well fed etc. etc.
Mom is working HARD for her family unit and it is perfectly ok for DD to help out every day after school and give her input for the family unit.
We're not talking about delegating motherhood here.
And OP very clearly stated that she works with DD schedule as necessary. From what we're hearing, DD is not missing out on having a childhood.

amother

Tangerine

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 10:16 pm

amother [ Magenta ] wrote:

Really? Providing your child with a good education, a home, and meals to eat means that you're entitled to dictate their entire life outside of school? I provide those things to my children with no strings attached because that's called being a parent. They have their daily responsibilities, but they do not need to be at my beck and call to earn their keep.

amother

Apricot

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 10:26 pm

What about chessed work that doesn't have fixed hours? I helped design a high school chessed program once, and we took into account the girls' schedules and preferences. It was important to show them that chessed isn't just about housework, but could also be helping to manage a shul's website or making phone calls for an organization. Some of the jobs we had could be done at any time.

myname1

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 12:52 am

I was also worried that you were saying your daughter had to be home every single afternoon to take care of siblings. But you're saying it's just a couple of days a week and those days change. What kind of chessed is she doing/planning to do? Can she find something flexible where she'll let them know at the beginning of each week which day she'll be coming, depending on what works out that week?

In terms of why they make it mandatory? I'm thinking it might be partially for those girls whose mothers "need" them every second of the day. Give them an hour off, a "reprieve" as someone said above. Especially if their mother is really not managing, give them a glimpse into a world without quite as much chaos. Or different kinds of chaos, or just a different chaotic setting. I can think of a whole lot of benefits this can have. And if that family didn't have a teenage girl they'd have to figure out a way to manage always, so this 1 hour they'll have to figure out a way to manage now. But it is in this case most definitely for the girl's benefit.

33055

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 2:17 am

OP,

You keep mentioning doing it during school hours. I would be furious at the school for this. Once right before Pesach is fine, but I am not paying tuition for DD not to learn weekly.

I also don't understand amothers who say this is down hours. It is not. The girls must be alert and responsible. Down hours are chilling at the mall which IMO are ok because in a few short years, they will be having their own home responsibilities.

amother

White

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 3:58 am

As someone whose mother always needed her , I was very happy to get a chance to help out with kids who weren't my siblings and to get to schmooze and build relationships with my chessed families . It's important for kids to do things regularly outside of the house and not be a 2nd or 3rd adult.
And it was very hard for me to hear my mother complain or get upset about school extra curiculuum stuff as I was torn between doing what my mother wanted and what I wanted .

33055

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 4:11 am

amother [ White ] wrote:

I agree that it's important for kids to do things outside their house. But what about doing things for themselves?

gingie37

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 4:40 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It's totally subjective, that's why I'm asking why they can't make these programs voluntary instead of mandatory.

To me, one day a week is a lot. I have one daughter to give a hand, and while she helps out somewhat, she's reluctant to step up when I ask her to. So she'll be running out to give a hand to someone else, while I'll be left without any help at all. Why isn't Chesed at home considered to be worthy?

When you say you have one daughter to give a hand, does that mean you also have sons who could be helping out too, but you don’t ask them for help because they’re males? Genuinely curious.