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Bringing food, why does it bother me?
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amother




OP


Post  Thu, Sep 26 2019, 12:57 pm
My in laws are coming for rosh hashana. They invited themselves, but I'm perfectly fine with it. I don't have much of a relationship with them, but I'm fine. I also like having guests and rarely do because my dh doesn't like to. The issue is, she dropped off today a bunch of salads. She didn't ask if I needed or wanted anything. I made my whole menu and bought most of what I want to make. I also enjoy cooking. The salads she dropped off are all store bought. I'm not sure if it bothers me because she knows I cook, so why would I want store bought, or because it is from my mother in law, or because she didn't ask before. Why would you think it bothers me? I don't know why, but it does.
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Chayalle




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 26 2019, 1:01 pm
I hear you OP. I'm into making my own homemade meals for R"H, and generally speaking I'd rather others not make something for my meal without asking me first. I probably would have no use for bought salads from a few days in advance, but would feel obligated to put them out if it's my in-laws.

For some people, bringing something to their meal without asking is like an invasion of their personal space.
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allthingsblue




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 26 2019, 1:01 pm
Try not to let it bother you. At the end of the day, what's the problem? You can make what you like and serve this as well. Sure, it would have been nice had she consulted with you and purchased something that would be helpful to you, but it is what it is.
I can see why it irks you but try to let it go.
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amother




Turquoise


Post  Thu, Sep 26 2019, 1:19 pm
She was just trying to help you.
She probably bought what she likes and thinks you will like it too...
My mom is just like that... I cook everything fresh and she goes and brings me commercial, store bought things.., she always bought ready made food and thats just how she does it. She means well even though I don’t appreciate it.
And you never know... something might surprisingly taste good!
Can’t imagine how salads will stay fresh till r”h... but just thank her and move on
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amother




Wine


Post  Thu, Sep 26 2019, 1:24 pm
In an attempt to be dan l'kaf z'chus, maybe she dropped off the salads today so you can have them for Shabbos, to try to lighten your load a little since you are hosting them for RH? I would play dumb (whether that was her intention or not) and say "thank you so much for the salads you got us for Shabbos! It was so helpful to have less to prepare since I am so busy cooking for Yom Tov." They will taste fresher on Shabbos and this way you can stick to your original menu for RH.
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Amarante




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 26 2019, 1:31 pm
I think you are projecting onto what is a nice gesture by your MIL.

I assume these are the kinds of "salads' that last for a few days so you put some out and then they are good for lunch or for a nice nosh. For me it's like somebody bringing a dessert - put it out and leftovers will get eaten (or not) over the course of a few days.
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amother




Firebrick


Post  Thu, Sep 26 2019, 1:35 pm
I totally hear where you are coming from! I prefer if people let me ahead of time if they are bringing food. Especially family!! If they are trying to help out then I need to know so I can do less work and make less food.

Also the store bought stuff, inlaws...yes can get on your nerves
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chanatron1000




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 26 2019, 1:38 pm
It's a kind of culture clash in a way.
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ShishKabob




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 26 2019, 1:49 pm
Please, just let it go. She was trying to be nice but she doesn't have a clue how to go about it so that you can actually enjoy whatever she was bringing. Some people just don't get it. And it probably does irk you more because she's your mil. Just say thank you and relax.
Maybe if she were hosting she would appreciate someone just dropping off a bunch of store bought salads, so she's doing that to you. There are all kinds.
Ksiva Vchasima Tovah and enjoy your Yom Tov and the company as well.
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groovy1224




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 26 2019, 1:50 pm
If it were me, it would bother me because I would wonder why she couldn't pick up the phone and ask me, even via text. For me, it wouldn't be what she brought, or the fact that it's store bought, but the fact that she apparently doesn't feel comfortable enough to call me and ask what might be helpful.
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etky




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 26 2019, 2:19 pm
It would bother me too because I'm a control freak that has everything planned out and I go into overdrive when I'm stressed and/or overloaded, as before chagim etc.
What would bother me most is having to store the unwanted and extraneous containers that are taking up valuable real estate in an already 'filled to the gills' fridge.
I would also resent not being asked what I might want or what would make the holiday prep easier.
It's annoying cause she gets 'brownie points' for doing something ostensibly nice for you but it wasn't something that you wanted or needed and is actually even an imposition on you.
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causemommysaid




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 26 2019, 2:22 pm
God help mothers in law.

Im sure she just wanted to be nice and bring something. Dont use it if you dont want to. Why does everything have to be so calculated? you can either skip it altogether and tell her someone ate it in advance or just serve it and thank her.

I really think that before RH we can try to give people the benefit of the doubt.
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causemommysaid




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 26 2019, 2:29 pm
groovy1224 wrote:
If it were me, it would bother me because I would wonder why she couldn't pick up the phone and ask me, even via text. For me, it wouldn't be what she brought, or the fact that it's store bought, but the fact that she apparently doesn't feel comfortable enough to call me and ask what might be helpful.


gosh what if she was in the store and said "hey maybe Rivky would like this" so she brought a few and dropped it off never dreaming that she committed a terrible offense of

1: irking DIL
2: not texting
3: not calling
4: not being comfortable to text or call
5: invasion of privacy
6: being unhelpful
7: being critical in a passive aggressive way
8: being clueless
9: trying to score brownie points
10: not respecting boundaries
11: not being culturally sensitive
12: saying passively aggressively that she doesnt like how DIL makes salad
13: dropping it off without confirming that it was a good time to drop off
14: bringing salad and not cash
15: one two or all of the above

Can't Believe It
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Cheiny




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 26 2019, 2:29 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My in laws are coming for rosh hashana. They invited themselves, but I'm perfectly fine with it. I don't have much of a relationship with them, but I'm fine. I also like having guests and rarely do because my dh doesn't like to. The issue is, she dropped off today a bunch of salads. She didn't ask if I needed or wanted anything. I made my whole menu and bought most of what I want to make. I also enjoy cooking. The salads she dropped off are all store bought. I'm not sure if it bothers me because she knows I cook, so why would I want store bought, or because it is from my mother in law, or because she didn't ask before. Why would you think it bothers me? I don't know why, but it does.


It bothers you because you have unresolved issues with her. You have some bad feelings or anger towards her for whatever reason. I don’t believe she did anything wrong in this case, I think it was a nice gesture. Try to accept it as such and dig deep down and try to figure out why this gesture might stir up bad feelings in you....I’m sure you’ll come up with the reason,
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groovy1224




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 26 2019, 2:33 pm
causemommysaid wrote:
gosh what if she was in the store and said "hey maybe Rivky would like this" so she brought a few and dropped it off never dreaming that she committed a terrible offense of

1: irking DIL
2: not texting
3: not calling
4: not being comfortable to text or call
5: invasion of privacy
6: being unhelpful
7: being critical in a passive aggressive way
8: being clueless
9: trying to score brownie points
10: not respecting boundaries
11: not being culturally sensitive
12: saying passively aggressively that she doesnt like how DIL makes salad
13: dropping it off without confirming that it was a good time to drop off
14: bringing salad and not cash
15: one two or all of the above

Can't Believe It


I'm not saying op SHOULD be angry, but she said in her post she's upset about it and not sure why so I was trying to help her articulate maybe what it is that is unsettling her. OP obviously realizes it doesn't make much sense to be mad about this, and yet she's annoyed, so she's trying to pinpoint her own problem.
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chanatron1000




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 26 2019, 2:34 pm
This is normal for some families and not for others.
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MiracleMama




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 26 2019, 2:55 pm
It would bother me terribly and I would feel like my whole menu was ruined but that's because when it comes to entertaining I put so much thought into what I'm making and the flavor profiles going together, etc. I'm also a food snob.
But at the same time I would recognize that this is MY mishugas, my controlling nature, and this is my MIL who I need to treat with respect so I would take a deep breath and serve the lousy and unwanted salads with a big smile on my face and a profuse thank you on my lips.
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dankbar




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 26 2019, 3:01 pm
You just put it out on the table, along with your own food. At end, you might be grateful, that saved you some work, from food you didn't get to make, even if you wanted to, but didn't get around to.
She probably doesn't want to feel like a burden & impose on you, to do it all on your own.
Also she might've bought what she likes, to make sure she has something she likes on table. It's smart. What if she doesn't like what you made & needs to eat it to be polite, that way she has backup. It's easier for you too, that you way you don't have pressure to make sure to have the dishes she likes & that she not go hungry.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 26 2019, 3:25 pm
Maybe MIL is a terrible cook, so she got you store bought.

Maybe she's worried that her kitchen isn't kosher enough for you, so she wanted to get you something in a sealed container with a good heksher.

Maybe she's trying to extend a hand to you, and hope that the kind gesture will make you two closer.

Even if it's "totally evil spite salad", it's in your best interest to try to accept it in good grace. Don't let the unwanted salad ruin your yom tov. It's so not worth it.

I bentch you that this should be the worst thing that happens to you!
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SixOfWands




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 26 2019, 4:03 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My in laws are coming for rosh hashana. They invited themselves, but I'm perfectly fine with it. I don't have much of a relationship with them, but I'm fine. I also like having guests and rarely do because my dh doesn't like to. The issue is, she dropped off today a bunch of salads. She didn't ask if I needed or wanted anything. I made my whole menu and bought most of what I want to make. I also enjoy cooking. The salads she dropped off are all store bought. I'm not sure if it bothers me because she knows I cook, so why would I want store bought, or because it is from my mother in law, or because she didn't ask before. Why would you think it bothers me? I don't know why, but it does.


Believe it or not, I get it.

It feels like equating store-bought stuff with your hard work.

And suggesting that maybe your food isn't good enough.

I'd put out the salads at around 4 pm on the first day, or 5 pm on the second day, rather than including them in your meal. For snacking. That way they're not interfering or competing with your food, but they are put to good use.

Shana tova..
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