Bringing food, why does it bother me?

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, Sep 26 2019, 4:05 pm

I don't blame you. I would be bothered by it as well. Nothing I wouldn't get over, but bothered nonetheless. It is a classic I want to appear as helpful but don't wanna really be bothered so much. Rather than asking you what you would like, I'll pick up whatever's convenient for me. You took time and put effort into planning a menu, spent money on the food, and took the time to go get it, but I will bring you what I want to eat because I'm not sure that you will have what I like. (I really would find it to be a passive aggressive insult).

To me it falls into the same category as the persn who gives you a challah 20 minutes before Shabbos ( as a gift-not the same as a good friend or neighbor who has extra and is offering because she has no idea what to do with so much-completely different). Maybe it is more delicious than mine is, but had I known I would not have either baked or stood on line at the bakery. Additionally, nowI have an extra challah (which I don't freeze), so now either my family is stuck eating leftover challah until Tuesday or I feel terrible throwing it out, as that is Baal tashchit. I hate that. It means that you baked and had extra or had in your freezer and last minute you felt you needed something for me so you are dumping it on me and now I can tell you how delicious it is.

oneofakind

Thu, Sep 26 2019, 4:41 pm

Some people are clueless as to the impact of their actions or focused on themselves or have poor communication skills.

It makes sense to be annoyed when you are planned out and invested in how your meals are however it doesn't have to ruin everything. Serve it on Shabbos while it's still fresh and if anything is left, just stick it here and there and don't take it seriously because it doesn't mean anything about you and chances are there are no deep thoughts behind it, just a vague feeling of wanting to contribute.

asmileaday

Thu, Sep 26 2019, 8:51 pm

Op if you don't have enough fridge space I can understand that it bothers you. Other than that it's not fair to be upset. Clearly she likes those salads or thinks your family may like it. Just be gracious and move on.

I'm sensitive to this since my MIL would get
very insulted if I ever brought along food when we came for shabbos and y"t. I don't think that was right of her. I can go into a whole spinoff why I think so.
Anyway, I learned to be the exact opposite. If guest want bring food along, kol hakovod. Whatever makes them feel comfortable.

amother

Natural

Thu, Sep 26 2019, 11:19 pm

As a few others pointed out, it's just some peoples nature. My husband is the youngest and we host his parents and married siblings all the time and they all do this!! One sister is particularly bad bec shes picky so she buys all the tbings that shes nervous I wont have. At one point I said to her straight out- im cooking anyway just tell me what u want me to make. It definitely improved after that but she will never come empty handed. Ever. As for my inlaws..... well lets just say I once started a thread "inlaws brought everything but the kitchen sink" some people could not see the issue with it at all and others totally related. Its annoying for a lot of reasons and thats all. Take the time to be annoyed but dont harp too long and then move on Smile

amother

Cerise

Thu, Sep 26 2019, 11:44 pm

It would bother me. If I'm hosting, I've already planned my meal and am proud of my presentation and selection. A bunch of store bought stuff that doesnt fit my menu, cant be served attractively, might make some of the food I've made redundant, and will generally bring down the class/attractiveness of the meal I so carefully planned. Esp with mil who I dont have over often snd feel like I must impress.

asmileaday

Thu, Sep 26 2019, 11:48 pm

Ok I guess some people have their meals all planned and tied up with a fancy bow. I can understand but can't relate to that.
I make a bunch of food before yomtov and I decide a night before the meal what I'll be serving. I don't do fancy platters or plating either. I'm not so emotionally invested in my meals.

EsaEinai

Fri, Sep 27 2019, 2:14 am

I just want to say that I’m totally not ready for yontif, and I’ll take the salads! Lots of fridge space here! I wish my mother in law would send some salads over!

I’m only half joking. It’s bringing up a lot of emotion in you, and that’s okay. Regardless of how you feel, just realize that your mil probably meant no harm, it was her way of helping. Learning how to receive from others, even when they gift us with things we didn’t necessarily want, Is a real avodah. As women that’s really one of our amazing roles- to be receivers. Just look at this as an opportunity to stretch your receiving muscles that’s shaping you into a better and more gracious person.

amother

Mistyrose

Fri, Sep 27 2019, 3:02 am

I DONT GET IT !!!!
What did your mil bring? Potato salad? Cucumber salad? cole slaw? Those are not sides - just something to put on the table.
If your mother would do that would you get so upset?
Bottom line - you wouldn't be happy with anything your mil did. This is more a mil-dil thing than anything else.

abound

Fri, Sep 27 2019, 3:29 am

amother [ Cerise ] wrote:

The bolded is the reason why so many women are upset. Hosting people is not about the guest and what is good for them. They care about the guest and want to give them a good time but really want people to say "what a great hostess"
It may be subconscious, but if your focus would be about making your in laws happy and comfortable then you would only have good thoughts. Since it is about you and your meal, you are letting things upset you.

it is also the reason why people have pet peeves about guests behavior that is not really so bad.

krembo

Fri, Sep 27 2019, 6:16 am

Am I the only one who likes store-bought salads?? What's so terrible about them?

Full disclosure: I haven't started cooking for R"H and probably won't until Sunday morning, so I'm a different type than some of the ladies on this thread. It's a personality thing, I guess.

zaq

Fri, Sep 27 2019, 7:29 am

Wow. I think of all the mil-bashing threads on this site—and there are many—this one takes the cake...er...salad. Who would have imagined that an act of simple generosity would generate such hatred? May the good L-rd preserve us all from dils like this.

OP, the Day of Judgement is drawing near. Might I gently suggest that during your cheshbon hanefesh you consider not just the times you may have bought a skirt that was a wee bit shorter than it could have been? Or maybe make an appointment with your spiritual chiropractor...you need an attitude adjustment.

watergirl

Fri, Sep 27 2019, 7:54 am

abound wrote:

The thing is, the bolded is wrong. Hosting is quite literally about the guest. Not the host. I realize many people host as a way to fluff their self esteem and want the praise. But the best hostess is the one who realizes that hosting is about the guest - their comfort, their likes, etc.

Abound, if I understand your post correctly, you and I are in agreement?

I do think that something gets lost along the way when a host plans every last detail of the menu based on tastes, flavor profiles, etc. Being a "food snob" is just another way to say "snob".

OP, remember, we can not control other people. We can only control our reactions to other people. Please do not be so rigid with your menu planning that a few store bought salads will upset you to this degree. The salads are already there. The way you perceive them is up to you.

amother

Fri, Sep 27 2019, 8:23 am

Thank you everybody and wow, I did not expect to get so many comments.

For all who said, just get over it, it's only salads, yeah, I know. I did get over it, I wasn't harping on it. I was asking why it might bother me and did get answers.

I am not a food snob and while I have my menu, it's not even cut up properly. Two of the salads she got are two that I'm making, but I'm making them anyway.

She happens to be passive aggressive, but I do know she was doing it to be nice. Giving is her love language. I know why she did it.

No, I don't have much room in my refrigerator, but that's more frustrating then being upset.

watergirl

Fri, Sep 27 2019, 8:31 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I hear you, I understand things like this can be frustrating. (And to be clear, my food snob comment was not towards you, it was to the one or two people who used that phrase).

We all have our things with our MILs. My MIL also likes to bring food, so over the years I've started asking her to bring the items that she makes that I dont make, but my husband grew up with and loves. Its a win-win - he gets to enjoy the food he grew up with and my MIL gets to bring food AND she gets to feel special because I request these few things for her son - then she feels the love from him too.