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Need advice. Son watching filth.

 
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amother




OP


Post  Sat, Sep 28 2019, 10:02 pm
We’re a filter and TAG type family. Our 13 year old son is struggling and has been buying himself phones and watching filth. He’s also been given SD cards from friends that have filth on them. Would appreciate any suggestions from people who’ve been through this before. My heart is breaking.
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professor




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Sep 28 2019, 11:03 pm
Oy!! Talk to him about addictions. relations addiction is a thing.There are so many resources today! Good luck! (Nothing beats talking to your kids. Take time off and have discussions)
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amother




Slategray


Post  Sat, Sep 28 2019, 11:20 pm
Firstly, hugs! Filters and passwords only work to an extent. If he is struggling then he will most likely be successful with a therapist, not a filter (though that is necessary as well). Boys that struggle with this far too often become addicted and the addict mentality is that they will do anything to get their fix. It is usually used as a coping method of sorts. Therefore, he needs to learn healthier coping mechanisms. This is where a therapist and supportive parents come in. It is not easy to watch a child struggle with this. Internet and real life friends can support you, but professional guidance is a must.

Hatzlocha! May Hashem help you find the right shaliach soon!

Edited for typos
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shmosmom




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Sep 28 2019, 11:45 pm
OP!! I'm so sorry for u havin to go thru this, and for your son too. Has he told u about it, or did you find out thru snooping, etc.
Either way, although finding out/knowing must have brought about intense pain, knowing is the first step to the ability to be able to do something about it.
Would Amudim (or an org like it) be able to help?
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amother




Lawngreen


Post  Sun, Sep 29 2019, 3:40 am
You can't change your son.
You can't make him stop his behaviour.
Does he want to stop?
Have you spoken with him or did you find out by snooping?
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amother




OP


Post  Sun, Sep 29 2019, 5:30 am
We found out by finding his stuff unexpectedly. We weren’t “snooping” since we didn’t suspect anything and had no reason to go looking. He hid them in places that weren’t very good hiding spots.

We are of course working with professionals on this. Just wondering if anyone else has gone through similar and has advice.
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Rappel




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Sep 29 2019, 5:41 am
professor wrote:
Oy!! Talk to him about addictions. relations addiction is a thing.There are so many resources today! Good luck! (Nothing beats talking to your kids. Take time off and have discussions)


If he's 13, and watching filth, then he's not addicted - he's a normal teenage boy. He doesn't need a therapist, he needs direction about his choices, his right to choose, and the various consequences of each choice.

Go easy on him, OP, and please be sure that he gets the facts - all the facts - straight from you and DH. Be the trustworthy authority on this matter, and you will retain his trust. It's not what you wanted, but what's done is done.


Last edited by Rappel on Sun, Sep 29 2019, 5:45 am; edited 1 time in total
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Sep 29 2019, 5:42 am
How is he affording to buy new phones and pay for internet service? Doesn't he need a credit card to register for an internet account?

(I have a kosher phone, so I honestly don't know how these things work.)

Sending you lots of strength and patience. Hug
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amother




Lemon


Post  Sun, Sep 29 2019, 5:56 am
I think this is a perfect time for "chinuch". Your son has to understand why watching [filth] is harmful and not only because it's "assur". Explain to him all your hopes for his future, for his relationship with his wife, for the beautiful family he will bezrat Hashem, build in the future.
[filth] lowers us to the level of bestiality, causes us to see ourselves and the partner only as objects, as animals, as meat. It plays to our basest urges.
How does he want to view his wife? As a piece of meat? I'm sure that's not what he wants. Intimacy is an important part of life that offers great peasure and fulfillment but watching [filth] debases it. Judaism does not view relations as evil or base but invests it with kedusha when we approach it in the correct way at the correct time. If he wants to build a beautiful healthy relationship in the future he must try to let only pure and holy and healthy images into his heart and neshama.
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amother




OP


Post  Sun, Sep 29 2019, 6:19 am
There are prepaid phones that are sold with data bundled with them. Your parents can have the best filter but it doesn’t matter, you can easily buy yourself a phone and do/see whatever you want. How do teens get the money? Saved up money from lawn mowing, bar mitzvah, stealing siblings’ money, etc.

I wish there were a good book for boys about intimacy written at their level.
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amother




Smokey


Post  Sun, Sep 29 2019, 7:57 am
I don’t have advice. I just wanted to say that so many boys and men struggle with this, way more than we think. The fact that you know and are working with professionals to figure out the best way to approach this with him is amazing. So many kids are struggling and their parents don’t know and can’t offer help. You can. Hashem should give you clarity and koach
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zaftigmom




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Sep 29 2019, 8:37 am
This is extremely common. Be super careful not to shame him or make him feel other. The only way for you to be able to help him is if he feels safe with you. Hatzlacha!
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amother




Amethyst


Post  Sun, Sep 29 2019, 11:49 am
It's not necessarily an addiction; it's a normal urge.
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