How long can I keep calm

amother

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 11:22 am

Im going trhough a very hard stage with ds. I assume his issues have a name but can't pinpoint what and im worried about him.

Anger
Aggressive
Easily frustrated
Whatever he wants needs to go his way or needs to happen, he will do anything to get what he wants even when things seems impossible .
Cannot handel authority
Will only be responsible on things that is valuable to him
Becomes easily sensitive or upset
Unhappy. List goes on...

Long ago I used to take things personal and became very triggered by his behavior till I learned to just let go and not fight or argue ect. I decided whatever he does is on him not me. Of course I give him reminders whats acceptable and what not but im not standing like a policeman over him.
He dorms , comes home weekends. Now he is home already for 6 weeks and I treated him like a kings son and almost like an only child since I know he needs a lot from me. I swallowed a lot but kept it in me trying not to loose myself and was being calm and just took it very easy.

Yesterday it came dinner time , I told him id like him to eat on time since day before he ate dinner 12 pm and I dont want this to become a habbit eating in late. Especially on Thursday's I like to clean away kitchen early enough. He got maybe 10 reminders and I knew he hasn't ate much so I felt it was important for him to eat. He decided hes going out , I pushed him to eat before, he said he will do me a favor and go eat .

Comes back after 10 pm ,walks into kitchen devastated finding no dinner left for him.( I had some leftovers) I start to tell him how much I wanted him to eat before and I asked him if he didnt eat yet since he told me he will do me a favor... he said he was just teasing. I said he cant play games on me and I said he has to learn hard way.. he got angry, yelling im bad mom I dont nurture him with food, labling me. I did offer him 1 slice potato kugal, usually I dont allow to cut it up before shabbos, I offered this time a slice. No ,1 slice isnt enough I will serve myself more then 1. I said firmly I allow 1 slice. He was starting acting up name calling, my next son watched . I loosened up then. Here I started showing him no monkey buisness, being too NICE hasnt worked. I decided need to show him that there is no overstepping boundaries in this house ... I was extremely drained, tired, overwhelmed, sick of ds's behavior.
I started raising my voice , he started telling me that I traumatize him , I guess he is only used to my softness and raising my voice means that im parenting him which he hates.
... cant put all into details , but its tough tough on me. He makes it so hard for me, I woke up so depressed today . In the morning he came into my room as nothing, talking to me. I feel I just cannot go on like this , im in a bad spot being next to him. I feel I do the world for him , he has so much advantages in my house since he wants everything belonging to him . We gave a way an entire room just for him he should be happy , we let him decorate his room , its a room I dont think any of his friends have and this is when he is only home on weekends or yum tuv.
How can I lift up my mood??? I stayed in bed, dont wanna c anyone . I just feel its too much for me. I grew up in a dysfunctional invirenment, going trhough with a brother that had similar issues then my ds and that brother ended very badly with his life. 0im sooo worried for my ds because as of now things seem helpless. He is in therapy, no progress so far, my 2nd son is successful but he acts up together when ds is home and they spend as a team when together, ds has tremendous impact here. Any advice? I feel sick , older, moodless.

behappy2

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 12:18 pm

Besides for being nice to him do the two of you get to bond? I don't have a child that age but my 9 year old is difficult and I find bonding with him the best gift for both of us. In addition I try to teach him empathy. Both together can help him feel connected to you and care about you. Sending you hugs! I know its so so hard Sad

Zehava

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 12:32 pm

Get yourself into therapy
Clearly your dysfunctional background is causing you to take this treatment, be a martyr, and allow yourself to be stepped on.
The kid is a teen, clearly, and if this is how he treats you and you treat him like a king in return, who knows what he will put his poor wife through.
Time for him to grow up and be a man, and for you to stop enabling him and allowing him to abuse you.

amother

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 12:33 pm

behappy2 wrote:

We have lots of bonding together . As long as I dont tell him what to do or discipline him im his best mom and were best friends . These things pop up just when like something didnt go his way like dinner was gone...
And things do happen not as his way, things will not always go perfect and thats when it gets to him.

amother

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 12:37 pm

Zehava wrote:

It is concerning how he will grow up to be.

He is in therapy

Zehava

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 12:42 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It is concerning how he will grow up to be.

He is in therapy

Are you in therapy?

behappy2

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 12:47 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The question is are you bonding? Is he connecting? Can you have a convetsation with him? Get through to him?

amother

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 1:10 pm

Zehava wrote:

Are you in therapy?

Yes I am

amother

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 1:14 pm

behappy2 wrote:

The question is are you bonding? Is he connecting? Can you have a convetsation with him? Get through to him?

When I catch him in a good mood I do bond and connect with him , doesnt help much!

amother

Orange

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 1:20 pm

How old is he? If he's an older teen, maybe back off a little and give him some space. You don't have to nudge and remind a teen to eat.

amother

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 1:27 pm

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

How old is he? If he's an older teen, maybe back off a little and give him some space. You don't have to nudge and remind a teen to eat.

I know that pushing to come eat normally isnt relevant but here is a different case then just not coming to eat, was more to the story. He ate the day before 12 pm. I have the right to set a rule in my house no midnight eating . I called him to eat a certain time for a reason . He kows. He is not 16 17 or 18 he is 14 in half. Thats pretty young!

amother

Black

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 1:38 pm

Op, I really sympathize with you this sounds very difficult. I don’t have the answers but one thing is absolutely you are his mother not his friend and not only can you have rules you should have rules. You are not a 24 hr fast food store and you can make rules in your own home like eating supper by 10. That’s life and the sooner he learns the better. Hopefully his therapist can help him learn how to handle hearing “no”. Best of luck!

amother

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 1:52 pm

amother [ Black ] wrote:

Thank you

amother

Apricot

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 2:12 pm

This is clear ODD- opposition defiance disorder
I can’t believe nobody mentioned this.
There are great methods how to deal with such kids. If you won’t learn them, he’ll just be crazy challenging to you.

amother

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 2:35 pm

amother [ Apricot ] wrote:

Is there any way or ideas how to handel? To whom do I reach out??? Yea! It is crazy challanging plus it creates very big problems between me and dh . Were a happy couple until we parent together our ds. Dh will have different thoughts then I in how to deal , then I get stressed out and leave out anger to dh, Dh gets angry from my anger , I always resent that dh will become what he sees in me. Isntead of being supportive he turns into same bad mood. I dont have support other then imamother. I do c a therapist but so far nothing is moving. Its very sad how one child can mess up.

amother

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 2:36 pm

Since he is on zoloft he is a bit calmer then he used to be but zoloft doesnt change behavior problems.

Surrendered

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 2:54 pm

OP, you described my son to a T! Same situation, it's extremely stressful. You're Welcome to reach out to me via PM. I might be able to guide you somewhat, the way we're dealing with our child.
It's not an easy road to travel.
Hugs, I feel your pain.

amother

Denim

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 2:57 pm

Zoloft takes away the appetite.
There are grat books on how to deal with children with ODD.

mha3484

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 3:01 pm

I really really really recommend that you read the book the explosive child. It is the best method for dealing with kids like this. It is researched and evidence based so you know that it works. A lot of the same information is available for free at www.livesinthebalance.org.

dankbar

Fri, Oct 25 2019, 3:05 pm

A 15 yr old is not a baby. Don't run after him with food, but also don't serve him in middle of the night. Tell everyone in your household, I am serving supper now, whoever wants to eat/be served should come to the table now. After that, you can leave outside whatever stays leftover or put away & whoever wants to eat later can take out themselves. Don't look back, when he eats, what he eats. You go to bed. If he is harrasing you later about food, tell him he is welcome to find food for himself in the house or fix himself something.
This is clearly turning into a power struggle.
Also 15 yr old should independently be able to have access to the food in your house.
He is not 5 yrs old where he needs to ask you permission for every cookie he takes out of the pantry or ask you permission if he can open up the fridge. ( unless the food is designated for certain reason or it's a treat that's chesboned out one per person, then he can't have more than his share, but otherwise let him eat what he wants)
You will not be his shmatte, he will learn to suffer his own consequences if he doesn't come to eat when food is being served & don't take the blame & guilt after that. Not ez. I know, he was your little boy till now & you still want to have the control but teenagers need their independence. In areas where you can give it to him, it's healthy & win/win