Threatening my 5 yo

amother

Sat, Oct 26 2019, 11:13 pm

I am threatening my 5 yo way too much.
"If you don't stop now, now shabbosmparty!"
"If you don't stop hurting your sister, you cant watch a video this week during video time!"
At least 10 - 15 times a day on Friday, shabbos, when he is home most of the day.
I know it's not good.
Help me stop! He doesn't listen to me otherwise.

chocolatecake

Sat, Oct 26 2019, 11:22 pm

You sound like me. I have a five yr old too and she can be so difficult and doesn’t listen. She started to talking to me like mommy im only going to do this is if... like everything was cause and effect. I realized it’s probably from all my threatening, me telling her if you don’t do such and such then... I find it helps to distract. If she is bothering the baby and I’m trying to cook instead of telling her to stop I’ll say come big girl I need help making dinner.

groisamomma

Sat, Oct 26 2019, 11:25 pm

Reverse it. If he stops xyz then he could watch the video (even if it's already on the schedule), if he stops hurting his sister then he can have shabbos party, etc. They get it on their own that the opposite is true as well, it's just phrased differently and gets the same results.

amother

Pumpkin

Sat, Oct 26 2019, 11:25 pm

Look out for anything positive and compliment as much as you can for any little thing. Also try to figure out what triggers these behaviors and see if you can prevent them in advance. Maybe he's bored and needs new toys or things to keep him busier. You can try having him help out more so you can keep an eye on him and this way his hands and brain are busy.

amother

Sat, Oct 26 2019, 11:37 pm

amother [ Pumpkin ] wrote:

I do compliment a lot.
And he's got plenty of toys, don't think that's the problem.
Having him help out is a good idea... but not sure he's going to want to. And on shabbos it's not that I need much help...

groisamomma that's a good idea, I'll try to rephrase, although I don't like bribing either. Supposedly in a healthy relationship the kids want to please their parents with no bribes or punishments needed. I'd love to get to that point.

amother

Beige

Sat, Oct 26 2019, 11:48 pm

I like the time out from the Nurtured Heart approach.

You can call it time out or thinking time or whatever. Basically all it means is that he/she needs to be quiet and is ignored for 10 seconds or 30 seconds. If they are not quiet the time restarts.

AFTER the time out is over, you give lots of positive attention. Say enthusiastically, "Thank you for doing your time out so well! Now are you ready to play again? I love your block tower, do you think you can make it taller?"

The theory is that life is a bit like a video game - your enthusiasm and attention is the reward/currency. Make sure you give it for good things! Start by making the rewards REALLY easy to get, and then you can slowly raise the bar, like a video game starts easy and gets harder.

You need to make times throughout the day to give enthusiasm and positivity for whatever they're doing right.

That's part of it, but it really worked well for my son.

amother

Sat, Oct 26 2019, 11:50 pm

amother [ Beige ] wrote:

Interesting. Any online articles on this topic that you recommend?

amother

Beige

Sat, Oct 26 2019, 11:55 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Interesting. Any online articles on this topic that you recommend?

This is the book I used: https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/.....0529/

This PDF is a good overview: http://njaap.org/wp-content/up.....1.pdf
and this: https://ncjtc-static.fvtc.edu/.....6.pdf

flowerpower

Sat, Oct 26 2019, 11:59 pm

I worked really hard not to threaten. It leaves a negative impact on you and the child. It’s addictive and never helps the situation. I focus instead on being positive. In a sweet voice I say “Look how fast he’s running up to get a pamper”. I know he would prefer not to listen but because he sees How “impressed “ I am he runs up to get one. Or if he bothers the baby once again I say “I only have to tell him once time to stop touching the baby and look how fast he’s listening already” and although he would rather push the baby and watch him cry he proudly retrieves his little troublesome chubby hands instead. I also give him little praises and rewards for good behavior out of the blue. He sees it’s worth trying to behave sometimes...

amother

Sun, Oct 27 2019, 12:01 am

flowerpower wrote:

Love the idea of surprising him with reward for his good behavior!
Ok I'm going to try.
NO threats tomorrow!!

pizza4

Sun, Oct 27 2019, 1:26 am

I tried doing time out for a while, it was h*ll. Nowadays if I'm getting angry I'll put myself in time out (in your case, with the victim) for a few minutes until I'm calm.

It works better for me to stay calm and pleasant and explain what the problem is that I'm seeing. Ex: ds, pulling hair can really hurt! Remember yesterday you fell and were crying? Look at your siblings face, he looks pretty sad.
Or say how it makes you feel: ds, it makes me sad when I see one kid hurting another!
What can you do to help your sibling/make him feel better?
Etc.
One thing I do sometimes when a kid is really out of hand and not hearing me is, I take out a paper and pen and say, dd, draw me a picture of what happened. Then we discuss what she drew and what to do next time and how to fix what happened.

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Oct 27 2019, 3:38 am

This is way too broad an issue to deal with from a post here.
You need to take parenting classes or talk to someone who will help you change the atmosphere in your home.
There are many alternatives to this type of interaction, but you need to commit to making an overhaul of the total approach.
In Israel, you can go to Rebb. Spetner or Rebb. Salenger or others, and in the US there are many as well, including teleconference. Please take advantage of the many opportunities that abound today to help mothers, it's worth the time and money.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Oct 27 2019, 3:47 am

amother [ Lilac ] wrote:

Agree with you. OP, seems it's time to take control and be firm. There is no such thing as "he refuses to go to time out". You are the adult and he is the child.

Some 5 year olds can be extremely heavy and/or strong. You'd be surprised. Once I babysat a 5yo who was tall for his age, and quite overweight. I'm pretty sure he weighed almost as much as I did.

He was very spoiled, and if he didn't get his way he'd just throw himself on the floor, and there was nothing you could do about it except walk away. He knew his weight was an advantage.

OP, when you threaten, do you always follow through, or is it more of a nagging kind of thing? How many chances do you give him to do what you ask? If you are constantly asking, finally threatening, and then only sometimes following through, that's a recipe for disaster.

Pick and choose your battles.
Set clear goals and times. (Pick up your toys before dinner.)
Have a clear consequence that makes sense.
Consequences should not be dramatic and over the top. (If you can't play nice with Dovi, you can't go over to his house tomorrow.)
Always, ALWAYS follow through. If you are going to back down, negotiate how DS is going to make it up to you.

With DD, I would tell her she was grounded for 3 days, but if she helped me with keeping the house clean for the rest of the day, then she will only be grounded for one day. She needs to "earn it back".

"Parenting kids with love and logic" is one of my favorite books. This works if your child is extremely logical, always looking for loopholes, or loves to argue about how unfair you are.

amother

Sun, Oct 27 2019, 6:56 am

amother [ Lilac ] wrote:

Agree with you. OP, seems it's time to take control and be firm. There is no such thing as "he refuses to go to time out". You are the adult and he is the child.

He is strong and will kick and fight back. To me, it's not worth such a battle! Leaves such a horrible taste in my mouth and leaves everyone feeling angrier than they need to be.

nchr

Sun, Oct 27 2019, 8:26 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He is strong and will kick and fight back. To me, it's not worth such a battle! Leaves such a horrible taste in my mouth and leaves everyone feeling angrier than they need to be.

Then you pick him up and place him in time out again and again and again until he sits there for 5 minutes. Your child is only strong and kicks because you've allowed that to happen.