Family has a say in baby names?

amother

Papaya

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 5:16 pm

In many communities this is a huge, huge deal, so please be aware, OP, that responders to your question really might not get what a big deal it is. I fully agree it’s the parents choice what to name that kid, but if you come from a background where this is such a big deal, the one thing I would say is to tell your parents far in advance, ideally before you give birth, so they have time to get upset and get over it by the time the simcha comes. Speaking from experience.

amother

Bronze

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 5:23 pm

amother [ Papaya ] wrote:

I think many of us do know what a huge deal communities make of it and that doesn't make it any less wrong.

amother

Papaya

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 5:37 pm

amother [ Bronze ] wrote:

I think many of us do know what a huge deal communities make of it and that doesn't make it any less wrong.

It’s anonymous imamother. I obviously have no idea who I’m speaking to. I’m not saying it’s right. I agree it’s wrong. But there is an imamother tendency to be opinionated and strong and just say “ this is how it is too bad.” If OP did not care what her parents think, that would be fine. But she does care very much. And therefore I’m just giving my personal suggestion on how to better handle the situation so her simcha is not ruined. She can be right from here til tomorrow, if her parents blow up and ruin her simcha, she will suffer.

amother

Ginger

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 5:44 pm

amother [ Papaya ] wrote:

She cares because they are upsetting her. It doesn't sound like she wants to name the desired name.
I fully understand the community. I come from such a community. It's a huge problem and it's got to stop now. If we (postpartum mothers) don't stop it, who will?
Enough is enough.

amother

Bronze

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 5:49 pm

zaq wrote:

What Rappel said. Your baby, your choice. Grandparents have a right to request and parents have a right to refuse.

They don't really have a right to request and I think it's cruel to even make your child feel that they need to fight you or please you when they are at a vulnerable time.

BetsyTacy

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 6:33 pm

I dont know if they have the right to request but they do.
I agree, better to air it all out months before the baby is born--like when you tell them you are pregnant.
I think that will be better than how it went by me where my father in law "talked" to my husband 2 nights before the bris about a name choice. Um, the name was decided months before and I didn't need the drama while post-partum.

sub

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 7:43 pm

What about adding your choice to the one they ask. Let’s say they want malka and you want shira. Put them together, call the child by your chosen name but teach her who else she is named after. My sister did that. Of course my mother was upset at first, but the choice was nothing or this way.

amother

Wine

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 7:52 pm

sub wrote:

So my parents did that with me. Let's say my name is Malka Shira. My father was super close with his grandmother, Malka. My mother hated the name (it's not really Malka). They added a name because she had a hard life and died young. My mother chose her favorite name in the world, Shira, to add in the hopes of calling me Shira. My father wouldn't have it, and now I'm called Malka.
Anyway, my grandmother was really upset that my parents added a name. Malka was her mother, and she believes that if you add a name it's no longer the name.
End of the story is this: my grandmother is upset because they changed her mother's name. My mother is upset because she didnt get to call me Shira. I'm in my 20s, and she still goes on about it.

sub

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 8:07 pm

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

Just tell them that you are going to change your name legally to something ridiculous like abracadabra or watchamacalit and will only answer to that if they don’t stop harping about it.
My kids changed how people call them- say her name was chaya devorah and we called her chayala- she grew up went to work and now goes by debbie, her choice, sometimes ill call her Debbie and sometimes chayala. The names are still there, she knows the story of these people, that is the point.

To OP
Naming a child can be frustrating, it Can cause strife and arguments but understand that סך הכל people want parents and grandparents to be remembered
So ask a rav and use your sechel.

amother

Cerulean

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 8:07 pm

I am so curious- Everyone here seems to have either experienced or know someone who experienced this pressure of having the grandparents try to interfere in naming a child. Which means there are lots and lots of grandmothers out there, in the real world or possibly on this forum.
Yet every single person on this thread is the "child" the young parents who are all protesting this.
Is there anyone reading this forum that is the grandparent- the one who is trying to choose a name for their grandkid?
Id love to hear your opinion.Id love to hear your take on the matter, your cheshban, your reasoning, the way and the why of how you justify wanting to choose your grandchilds name.

nechamashifra

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 8:10 pm

The amount of narcissistic sounding parents/in-laws on this site is astounding! When your daughter announces her pregnancy, it shouldn't be about who she announced it to first (what difference does it make?), nor should it be which grandparent or great grand-uncle the baby will be named after. What's wrong with everyone?

amother

Wine

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 8:19 pm

sub wrote:

Wanna laugh your head off?
In second grade I decided I hated my name, Malka. I decided to go by my second name, Shira. First day of school, teacher calls out "Malka?" And I say "no my name is Shira" and nobody stopped me. At PTA, it took my parents and teachers to figure out what was going on!

(Fake names! But my first name is not a great name, and my second name is beautiful)

amother

Jade

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 8:19 pm

My mother is an only child of holocaust survivors/ I would love it if grandkids were named after my grandparents whom I loved and respected very much. They passed away after my children were born. The problem is that there are now other grandparents from all sides so while I may suggest (and yes am very sad that some chose other names, yes it hurts that its not important enough to my children to name after grandparents or great grandparents. You can’t understand it until you need it) I also know that I refuse to turn it into an argument or cause my children pain over this issue.

amother

Jade

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 8:26 pm

nechamashifra wrote:

Your age is showing, deary. How young are you? I agree that pregnancy announcement is not important but names are. They are a continuation in a chain. It’s not narcissistic to want a remembrance and continuation of family.
But no fighting please. It should be a time of simcha. So suggest and request and them leave the couple alone.

amother

Denim

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 8:32 pm

My grandmother passed away after I was married. I'm sure my mother would have been thrilled to have a granddaughter named after her mother.

BUT SHE NEVER SAID A WORD.

And that is how it should be.

I knew that my grandmother had passed away, and I knew her name. I also knew that the first few girls I had would not get that name. My baby does have her name, though.

If my mother had asked, I don't know if I could have given the name at all. I would always have a bad taste in my mouth for the expectations and disappointments.

Bli Neder, I will keep my mouth shut about name suggestions. If they ASK me, I will answer. Otherwise, I will be absolutely thrilled with whatever names the parents choose.

amother

Ruby

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 8:36 pm

Had this by one of my children and we actually delayed naming her by a week because of my in laws. Then we ran into a worse situation when someone passe away and she want named but I couldn't name after for other reasons. Was super awkward and really hard on me. We spoke to a Rav and was told same thing....we name no one else has a say. That's what we did. I happens o name one name after someone by all my kids but add on one name that I like or is meaningful to me as a second name.
It has come up a bunch of times and I told fil straight to his face a few times that if he wants to name a kid he is welcome to have one but he already had his chances. I carried these kids for nine months and only me or dh will have ANY say in their names. (And fil doesnt know this but I never ever ever plan on namig after his father for many reasons.I would quicker pick a name than name after him. He has many name already within the family so I don't feel bad)

amother

Tan

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 8:40 pm

amother [ Jade ] wrote:

It's not narcissistic to want a remembrance and continuation, but it is narcissistic to place your wants over someone else's wants.