Does anybody else hate parenting

amother

Blush

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 8:26 pm

Yeah, I have gone through periods of hating it too. I don't do well at all with sleep deprivation, so the baby period is just an utter misery for me. Things did get a lot better once I was getting some sleep. Also, once they can talk and be interesting, I have an easier time. I really do better with older kids.

Another thing is when I was a sahm, I really hated it. Especially early on, I really lost myself in motherhood and I was miserable. Once I started a career and also got back into some of my hobbies that I'd neglected, I liked parenting a lot better. Not everyone is fulfilled by motherhood alone and that's ok.

Lastly, I agree that the young marriage/babies thing is a part of the problem. I wish I'd waited till I was a little older before I haven't kids. I honestly just wasn't ready at 22. I also probably would have stopped at two if I wasn't frum (that's not to say I regret or don't love my children past the second one, just that if I hadn't had the frum expectation, I just would have instinctively stopped at two because I wouldn't have felt like I had to keep going).

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 11:10 pm

amother [ Orchid ] wrote:

I'm curious what kind of a childhood you had. Was it a happy, easygoing one or a troubled one?

I had a very difficult & troubling one and I had my first ten months after my wedding. I never had a chance to breathe and to take some time to get a hold of myself. I hated parenting too. I loved my kids, but I found that being busy with their needs all day to be suffocating. I look back now and realize it wasn't really the parenting that caused my reactions. It was the fact that I never had the opportunity just to be, to be carefree, without major responsibilities. I needed to first have some time to take care of myself, to fill the needs that my childhood failed to to, before I was able to take care of others.

I had a few and then stopped. It was too much. Once they were all off to school, I began taking care of myself too and now my opinion about it is totally different. If I'd have a baby now, I would approach it with a totally different mindset. I think it's a real pity that we push everyone to have babies so early into marriage, without allowing proper considerations for it.

Me too. Me too.
I am the middle child of a large family. During my entire childhood/teen years, I was either enlisted to help with the little ones, daily household chores, or/and when the marrieds moved in for yom tov with their broods, babysitting etc. Never ever was I just able to be. My life revolved around responsibilities And my resentment grew with the passing years. And then I got married. And it was like going from the frying pot into the fire. I still remember it like today, calling my older sister and with tears in my eyes asked her, ץץ why? Ive been doing so much for so many years, why did I have to get married so that I can continue this life of drudgery (No offense but thats how it felt.)

I have a small family by the standards of my community and those around me, and of course I love them very much. But that resentful feeling, it never really left me and its difficult.
(If anything, I find my teens so much harder than when they were babies/toddlers.)
So to answer, op, for some its just the baby/toddler stage thats hard but for others parenting does not come so easy. That doesn't mean I dont love my kids. But if I’d been given the choice, I most def would have chosen to be a child first.

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 11:43 pm

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

Trade ya.
You can have my teenage DDs and I will take your babies.

I can pretend that they are almost grown and no work at all. I mean they do feed and bath themselves. They get dressed without assistance (after being unable to decide what to wear and then hating all their clothes).

I enjoyed my DD from with all teenage stuff but had a difficult time till she was six.

I loved,loved, the girly stuff of picking clothing and then deciding not to like them.

OP needs sympathy to get her through this.

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 11:45 pm

amother [ Beige ] wrote:

I have a relative who sounds like you OP. Except its her and her husband both. They are 2 of the laziest and least motivated parents ive ever seen. Also very selfish. 2 of their 4 children are adults now and they are so messed up . Other 2 are headed down the same path. They watched sooo much tv growing up they have no social skills. They were terrible students and can barely read or do basic math. They are rude and selfish and having them over at my house makes my head spin. They dont stop talking about themselves they are very loud and socially not intergrated into society at all. Just sad

I think you are unfair. OP is asking for help.

amother

Lime

Wed, Nov 13 2019, 1:34 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

. Haha OK I smiled
Thanks for validation. I def hate the first year. And much of the second. I think around 18 months it was OK but now we're finally hitting the terrible twos (in the last 3 months of being 2) and just ugh.
I have two. Dh wants 10 but like idk if I can even survive.

Why would you have more kids if you already consider the ones you have a burden???
It's not fair to these poor kids. Let the neshamos go to a home where they will Be loved.
How can you HATE (strong word) the first year? Hashem gave you a gift, a precious neshama to care for and nurture. And you not only don't appreciate it you hate it?
Wow.

ora_43

Wed, Nov 13 2019, 1:45 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I've read every book. I hate having kids. I'm sure in an alternate universe I wouldn't have gotten married at all. They're almost 3 and a few months and I just hate parenting. Help

Can you be more specific? What part do you hate? You said things were getting easier for a while - meaning that there are specific things getting easier/harder, since you were just as much a parent pre-toddler-years as during.

And why read so many books? Curious because you say your dd is very well behaved. Was that part of trying to hate parenting less?

amother

Wed, Nov 13 2019, 1:53 am

ora_43 wrote:

Yes. I always knew as a kid I would be a different mother than mine was. I read How to Talk so Kids will listen in 8th grade lol. I've read it all, attachment parenting, playful parenting, positive discipline, how not to yell, how to be positive, not to mention I read literally every single baby sleep training book when my first was a newborn.

I can tell you in any scenario how I ought to be responding but I really just want to slap them sometimes.

I can't deal with the not listening I just want to rattle 2y by the shoulders. I hate the mind numbing boredom of sitting on top of a baby to get them to sleep then stretch out their naps. Btw both are perfect sleeping babies. Now 2y is all needy and jealous and takes forever to go to sleep and I know it's all emotional but I just want to slam the door and let dc cry to sleep.

I just get exhausted thinking of doing it all over again with this baby
And again with the next
And again and again

ora_43

Wed, Nov 13 2019, 1:55 am

I hesitate to say this because this is really a topic for therapy, not a message board (and because I might be reading too much into your posts), but - do be careful with the messages you tell yourself about how you ended up a parent.

What you're saying about how parents shouldn't pressure their kids into marriage is very important and very true. And resenting your mom for ignoring what you needed is very normal and imho possibly even a healthy thing.

But if that gets to the extreme of your internal message being basically, "I shouldn't have had kids, other people made me do it," that has the potential to be toxic to your relationship with your kids.

All just my humble opinion, and it's definitely worth getting an actual professional opinion instead.

(and on a similar note, how good do you feel about your ability to stand up to pressure now? ie is this part of an ongoing thing, where you feel like society/your mom/your husband are going to be pushing for baby #3 any day now, and you're not sure if/how you're going to stand up to that?)

ora_43

Wed, Nov 13 2019, 3:17 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

OK so honestly this is way better than I was getting from your first few posts.

Not better for you, right now, because right now you're in the middle of the toddler years (enjoy that Rolling Laughter

). But better in the big-picture sense.

Parenting books can be helpful, but they can also make it sound like parenting is like a recipe, or a class at school, and if you just follow the rules and do the right thing at the right time everything will be fine and children and parents will rejoice in each other's company. Very tempting if you're the type who likes to follow rules and Do Things Right.

But really, a big part of staying sane as a parent* is letting go of the small stuff (which at this age is most of the stuff) and trusting that if you love your kids and show them that, everything is going to come out more or less OK. Because temper tantrums and kids refusing to sleep are bad enough without putting pressure on yourself to feel calm and loving throughout, or to respond in the exact right way. (Or expecting your kids to react the way kids in parenting books react.)

Or in other words: go ahead and want to hit them, as long as you don't actually do it. It doesn't mean that you're doing parenting wrong.

It's definitely hard. Especially in the baby/toddler years, when they aren't even close to being on your level (meaning, like - reading to a toddler means reading Goodnight Moon for the millionth. freaking. time., reading to a 10-year-old means reading Harry Potter, which is actually enjoyable). But if you accept that it's hard, and make sure your goals are realistic (ie "we all survive this day and the kids have fun," yes, "I genuinely taking a toddler and baby to the mall with me" - no), and even find ways to laugh at it, it can get a little easier.

*disclaimer: again just all IMHO, and I should note that not everyone would accept my self-assessment as 'sane.'

amother

Lime

Wed, Nov 13 2019, 4:16 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

So you don't like when they don't do what you want and it makes you want to turn violent.

Sounds selfish and very very immature.
Have you tried to think about why you react like this? That's not what love is about. You love yourself and you want peace and quiet and little robots that do what you want.
Get help instead of having more kids.

amother

Turquoise

Wed, Nov 13 2019, 5:35 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I understand and emphasise with what you're saying. I also feel like that at times. I'm glad to hear you're going for help. I think I had mild ppd that I never treated and everything was magnified. I also found the lack of sleep made me really on edge and the kids whining or crying would trigger me. I would take time-out for myself-just lock myself in the bedroom and read or watch something, ignoring the kids because I just couldn't anymore.
It's not that I hate parenting or my kids, but rather sometimes it's just too much to cope with. I also feel like being on the pill affects my mood.
It did find that now dd is 4, it is easier-she likes (sometimes) to get dressed herself, she will sit and look at picture books or play in her room before going to sleep-I don't need to put her to bed as such. And a toddler is easier than a baby-they eat at mealtimes-they don't need that constant care, and at least they mostly sleep through the night.
Please make sure you're taking some time for self-care and time just for yourself. Go for a walk in the evenings-put some music or something to listen, anything, just do it unencumbered by kids. I had 2 weddings shortly after dd2 was born-one I took her with and 1 I didn't. The second one I was able to socialise and just relax because I didn't have that constant kid with me.
And just relax. If the kids don't work like the books do, it's fine. If they don't get more than tuna and crackers one night, it's also okay. Most kids don't fit into any textbook and neither do the parents. You find what works for you.

wantavaca

Wed, Nov 13 2019, 7:17 am

I got very down and felt very stuck and bored with two little ones close in age so I decided to find a job doing what I love. Bh got a two hour a day teaching job and that’s how I survived the long days of diapers, feedings, cleaning up....

Got a sitter and went to do what I love. When I came home after I felt like a person.I was out in the world socializing with other teachers! My students loved me! It was exhilirating. Those two hours changed my whole day- woke up with something to look forward to. Had something in my mind besides babies.

Can you give yourself more self love and pay attention to what YOU want in life more? Your personal satisfaction with life will spill over into the kids.

If you are feeling bored, unfulfilled,
overwhelmed- and u attribute it to them being in your life, then of course you will be resentful.

amother

Seashell

Wed, Nov 13 2019, 7:54 am

Op - you sound like someone who really wants to do the right thing by your kids. I saw the list of books you read. I want to suggest the book 123 Magic which is less explaining, more calm parenting, but wayyyy less exhausting. I have found it extremely effective and reduces those exhausting interactions like trying to explain anything to a three year old whose logic is about as strong as my patience 😂
The therapy sounds like a good plan too, and don't forget self care, which is a nauseating phrase until you realize the true definition of it: making sure your life RIGHT NOW is livable and that you don't want to escape. So therapy is the first step but it could be daycare, getting a job if you don't have one, a strict (and loving) bedtime routine followed by a relaxing evening for you. Sleep train your baby quickly for a more loving relationship 😆