Ami article; Chaim Ekstein's $10K wedding plan

keym

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 11:23 am

asmileaday wrote:

If the oilam wouldn't be buying 15k dollar sets for their newlyweds you wouldn't have what to buy 2nd hand LOL

. Open a Torah times or Weekly Link it's full of classifieds of people trying to sell their bulky chosson kallah furniture.
Most young couples DO NOT NEED this stuff!
Of course like with everything you will find exceptions of people saying oh it's 30 years later and I still loooove my newlywed furniture. But that ain't a reason for parents to shell out that kind of money 10 times or more (depending how many kids they have).

I did NOT buy "frum stuff".
I opened the Asbury Park Press. Tons of upper/middle class no Jewish or non religious families who buy beautiful expensive stuff.
The couple I bought my DR set from bought it 5 years earlier for 4k dollars. It was their "fancy set" in their "formal DR". They used it for exactly 5 Thanksgivings with no kids.
They were downsizing, buying a condo, and the "fancy set" needed to go.
They were so thrilled to here that we would love their set and make a formal dinner every week so they gave us a great price.

amother

Natural

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 11:24 am

Mama Bear wrote:

I treasure my kallah jewelry. I don't care if it went out of style. I still wear them on shabbos, yomtov and to simchos. I have never bought myself a piece of jewelry since my own kallah jewelry. They are priceless, precious, and forever....
as for furniture, I can't see myself affording to buy dining room or bedroom furniture a few years after our wedding -- thank goodness I got my italian sets before I got married. Otherwise we'd be living with a hodgepodge of folding chairs and a folding table to this day.
As a matter of fact, 23 years after our chasuneh, the table finally gave way and the chairs became really chipped and uchhy. We tossed them out. And we've been sitting on folding chairs with a folding table for months already. Furniture is expensive. Whatever our parents bought us 23 years ago is what we had until they were totally dunzo. My bedroom mattresses were mamish recently replaced, after 22 years.
There's something to be said about setting up a couple with long-lasting things so that they don't have to spend every cent the wife earns while the husband learns, to set up their home....

The stuff that Hungarians buy is a certain style, not necessarily more durable than much much less costly furniture. I'm still using all of the furniture from when we first got married 11 years ago, and I think we have plenty more years to go with it. I am certain it cost a fraction of what is typically bought for newlyweds in your circles.

amother

Pewter

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 1:18 pm

Mama Bear wrote:

So instead the seniors should be stressed out and in debt because they have to supply the expensive furniture for all their kids? And what if it was the norm to not buy the furniture then yes many young peoples homes would have a hodgepodge of different furniture and folding tables and that would be perfectly ok because it would be the norm

saw50st8

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 1:33 pm

I think the easiest way to cut cost is to reduce the number of people invited to weddings. You don't have to invite every 3rd cousin and your entire class from high school. Inviting 200-250 instead of 400-450 makes a big difference. IMO it makes for a nicer affair as well.

I don't even understand getting lots of new furniture for newlyweds who aren't self sustaining yet. We got all free furniture for our apartment which meant that when we were able to, we could upgrade whenever we wanted. We've been married 14 years and just got a nice dining room set. We had a perfectly good old set from the people who lived in our home before us.

amother

Pearl

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 3:49 pm

Mama Bear wrote:

So now 20 years after your chasunah, you not only have to replace your own set, but you have to buy furniture for each of your kids. So how many sets are you actually buying? How does this begin to make sense? If you choose to buy cheaper sets every couple of years, or buy yourself an expensive set that lasts many years, you come out ahead either way.

And why is there something about parents setting up the kids long term, shouldn't the couple be the ones setting up their life long term?

amother

Puce

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 9:59 pm

saw50st8 wrote:

Good point, but many halls have minimums(300 or 350)

amother

Blush

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 11:19 pm

amother [ Jade ] wrote:

And I didn't care about the bracelet at all. Didn't get one, didn't want one.

Your point is that each person may have that one thing that's particularly important or sentimental for them, and it's worth spending money on it. But it doesn't need to be every single thing - expensive ring, bracelet, candlesticks, sheitel, etc. ... Choosing one thing to invest in is very different.

This.

I lost my engagement bracelet (like so many people I know), and my rings don't fit me (so I'm currently wearing some fake ones I purchased for myself). But I get such nachas when I light my (IMO beautiful) leichter my MIL got for me. (B"H, she was able to afford them.) It adds such a special element to licht bentching, and since neiros Shabbos are directly equivalent to Shalom Bayis, it feels appropriate to have something I really like... Just my opinion.

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 11:26 pm

amother [ Puce ] wrote:

Good point, but many halls have minimums(300 or 350)

Yes like Bais faiga wedding is 10k total for 300 ppl. (Hall, food, music, catere, silk flowers)
If you go to a hall with 200 ppl you end up paying more. Most halls around here work out like that.

I just made a bar mitzvah and only invited aunts uncles first cousins grand parents and great aunts and uncles.
It was 125 people. With not a single non close relative. Multiply that by the other side and you are pretty much there.
I’m already thinking how many married nieces and nephews I’m going to have by the time my kids are married off. The numbers will be way higher. Who do you not invite.
And our families not so huge.

southernbubby

Wed, Nov 27 2019, 1:43 am

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

He suggests that people invite their siblings over to a parlor gathering to discuss the plan of limiting the catered meal to immediate family so that everyone is on board and no one feels insulted or left out. Many people are overwhelmed trying to attend so many simchas, keneinahora, for so many hours.

amother

Pink

Wed, Nov 27 2019, 6:49 am

I've been saying this for years.
Halls must lower the minimum.. When we had 2 weddings a year, we were thrilled to go and stay. Now that most people (living in NY) have 2 weddings a night, I am thrilled to attend for 15 minutes. Wedding meals should be for immediate family only.
Also, CUT OUT SHEVA BRACHOS.
The halacha is: IF 10 people are eating tgether during the week of sheva brachos, then the brachos are recited. We've completely distorted this. We scramble to put together the minimum 20-25 couples who really don't want to leave their children for 7 nights in a row, we need to buy 7 outfits for the kallah and siblings, pay babysitters, and have late nights just to party for 7 nights. IMO, these 2 issues should be revised and it would make a tremendous difference financially and koyach-wise.

watergirl

Wed, Nov 27 2019, 8:07 am

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

I've been somewhat following this thread and have many thoughts...

These wedding issues are all truly self created and self-solvable. Start with what you consider the norm. I am truly hoping you are exaggerating here. I've read a lot of things on imamother that make me wonder if we all live on the same planet and this is no exception.

There is no reason to cut out, of all things, sheva brachos. What needs to be cut out is the insane things you are describing. I cant believe and I dont want to believe that anyone does what you described above.

Start with the weddings - 2 weddings a night? Most people? What and who? I think Mishpacha published something about this a while ago. We need to take a better look at the things we consider to be social obligations and we need to get over ourselves. Pick one wedding a week and go to that one. Or pick one wedding every 2 weeks. I cant imagine giving gifts to all of those people! I promise, the people making the weddings will get over I if you dont go. And if they are THAT insulted that they dont get over it... that is honestly that persons issue.

Who is buying all of these outfits for everyone? Please tell me you are exaggerating. When my friends all got married, different people took part in throwing sheva brachos for the couple and the immediate family was not invited to all of them, much to everyone's relief. This whole "shabbos sheva brachos" thing is one of the most blown up things I've seen on here as well. Are people really making mini weddings? I remember mine and how astounded I was over the fancy gefilta fish! Why is this even a thing?

If the guests dont really want to go, and the hosts really dont want to invite everyone but everyone feels they are obligated... thats not a relationship I want to be part of! Do you?

Are we all really so consumed with just doing "whats done" that we are all losing grip on reality?