Hosting relative as a favor, can I ask for them to chip in

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amother

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 10:54 am

For food costs?
Said relative eats organic and expensive foods (expensive fish and lean meat products, expensive produce) that we don't eat much of due to the cost.
Relative is not sure how long they will need to stay with us- can be two weeks, four weeks, maybe longer.
For reference, we are a younger couple, married under 10 years.
Can I ask the relative to purchase this food so that we don't have to have this expense?

OOTforlife

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 10:56 am

If it's a favor that the relative asked, I would think absolutely you can ask them.

Unless you're leaving out some crucial information like a deep cultural taboo in your culture of origin or that this relative previously gave you a kidney.

Chayalle

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 10:57 am

Absolutely. You can tell said relative, I'm happy to host you but would need you to pay for these extra costs.

shmosmom

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 10:59 am

I would stock my house as I usually do, with one or two extras if I can afford it.
If they ask for organic or whatever else I'd say "I totally agree those things may be good for you, but right now I try to grocery shop according to my budget. You're welcome to put things in the fridge for yourself tho" or something like that. I probably wouldn't just ask for x amount of $ for groceries per week so a not to be tacky, but if it's a boarding arrangement then some would see that as reasonable.
I have had someone tell me that she wants to have me for a meal but for budgeting reasons they're going out for all meals for a while (meaning to people, not restaurants). I respected her being open with me.

WhatFor

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 11:00 am

Yes. You can let them know you'll clear out a space for them in the fridge so they can store whatever food they buy in that space.

amother

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 11:02 am

WhatFor wrote:

Yes. You can let them know you'll clear out a space for them in the fridge so they can store whatever food they buy in that space.

Fabulous idea.
Thanks everyone

Amarante

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 11:07 am

I think it would be extremely rude of ANY guests to not pay in some kind of manner when they are staying with people.

Even if I go for just a meal or sleep overnight, I try to bring something unless the relationship is such that it is back and forth on a fairly constant basis.

When my parents stayed with my brother, they bought groceries as well as taking the family out to eat. Since it was a pleasure trip they also picked up all the normal expenses for going to places as well as often paying for the gas at times. It wasn't even explicitly expressed.

Personally I think the issue of whether they need special food like organic and lean meat is somewhat of a red herring because I wouldn't be a freeloader even if I were eating someone's NORMAL food if they were hosting me - especially for a fairly long stretch of time.

I don't even get the thinking behind people who are miserly in terms of compensating their host. One is saving money on hotels as well as not spending money on food that one would have if one stayed at home. Not to mention that the host is putting themselves out by hosting someone. So how does one not as a matter of course want to contribute as much as possible by way of thanking the hosts.

Obviously there are circumstances in which one hosts without expecting to be compensated. But in OP's scenario, a family who regularly eats organic and lean meats is probably in a relatively good financial situation and can well afford to at least not be a free loader.

amother

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 11:10 am

Amarante, this relative can certainly afford their specialty food, I just don't want to appear tacky or ungracious.
We love this person and are happy to have them and don't want to hurt them or make them feel unwelcome but at the same time we really can't afford an extra $200 a week.

Also this relative would be happy to buy their own food, they won't be upset, but they might not have done so on their own because they don't realize our financial situation.

ShishKabob

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 11:11 am

I wouldn't normally ask someone to pay for their food. However, this is very very different. Do they also eat organic when they go away? Some people aren't that 'makpid' when they go elsewhere. If they are, they usually bring along their own food supplies.
I would tell them that I know that they eat organic but you don't, do they still want you to cook for them? After their response, you can offer them the space in the fridge and so on.
Good Luck and enjoy their stay.

Amarante

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 11:40 am

I understand your dilemma because it does seem awkward to say love to have you but it will cost you lol.

My response was that in general most people would go out of their way to over compensate their hosts. Even if your situation in terms of finances isn’t directly known, I think most affluent older or older than hosts know they are in a better financial situation and don’t want to be any kind of economic burden on their hosts.

So my response is of course you should not have to pay significant amounts to host people when such amounts are putting a real strain on your finances. So the critical question is how to go about it in a way that doesn’t make either side feel uncomfortable. Your guests might have been intending to gift you so they weren’t an imposition and thus might feel hurt that you thought it even needed to be mentioned. And bringing up money is always uncomfortable at least for me.

Is there some intermediary that you can use as an envoy. Without knowing the relationship, it’s hard to be specific. But for example, if it were a relative, I might have their sister or parent or sibling bring it up with them if you have a close relationship. For example, if it was an aunt or uncle, I would discuss with my parents to get their input and maybe they could take it from there. Just a suggestion in terms of asking if there is a middleman who knows both you and the guests and the circumstances and the best way to make yiur concerns known without insulting or making them uncomfortable.

In my first post, I just mentioned my parents because I was used to hosting relatives who were in a better financial and they always went out of their way to be generous so that hosting them wasn’t an economic burden but no one ever had to confirm because it was just the way it was done. If my parents stayed with cousins, my parents would pay and vice versa if I hosted the aunts and uncles. No one was keeping a ledger lol.

I do agree that you want to approach in a manner that makes everyone comfortable which is why maybe there is a tactful person who knows both of you who can intercede.

Ruchel

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 11:42 am

Plan it out before

cbsp

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 11:47 am

Amarante wrote:

I'm not sure how your sentiment fits with fulfilling the mitzvah of Hachnosas orchim.

Of course one must thank the host but I don't know that I'd call a non-paying guest a freeloader.

ETA:
That's not to say that OP can't discuss an arrangement with her long term guests.

I think even the most generous machnis oreach can and should set boundaries. If it were an invitation for one Shabbos then I'd try to accommodate special food requests. But possibly a month or more? That warrants a discussion, to see what they had in mind and what you're able to offer.

Last edited by cbsp on Mon, Nov 25 2019, 1:54 pm; edited 1 time in total

Ruchel

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 12:41 pm

compensating?

dankbar

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 2:12 pm

You can say it in a way, that you are unsure what they eat exactly, so you will be preparing our regulars, but if they have any special preferences they are welcome to bring along whatever

amother

Orchid

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 2:15 pm

If a guest has a special diet, it's rude of them to expect their hosts to purchase their foods. It's very normal to say that if they're on a special diet, they should bring their food. Especially if it's an extended stay.

zaq

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 2:54 pm

Absolutely. They invited themselves. They could have stayed in a hotel. Buying their own specialty foods is the least they can do.

southernbubby

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 4:10 pm

Say that they are welcome to enjoy what you normally prepare for your family but they should feel free to buy anything extra that they need for themselves.

dankbar

Mon, Nov 25 2019, 5:05 pm

I have had 2 scenarios where I brought my own food while being a guest, with my kids, for a week. Let me tell you, both times it turned akward as well...like the host asking permission to use from my food or their kids looking openmouthed into our mouths, what we are eating but when I offered, the parents didn't allow them to join us or their kids going thru our nosh stash...

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