Urgent question about moving to NJ

chipmunks

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 8:11 am

amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:

Nothing to do with Brooklyn or Lakewood, but unless something is abnormal, that's unhealthy. Being a helicopter parent is not going to help his development and maturity.

If everyone's happy that way, why should it matter to us if they want their kid at home? A mutual decision does not equal helicopter parenting, and since we know nothing about their lives other than that the family is considering moving from Bklyn to Lkwd and the son doesn't want to, I'd just assume that they have their reasons. That doesn't mean it's abnormal, either, just that everyone has their own circumstances and needs.

OP, why are you considering moving? I think that will help direct the advice a bit. From his age it sounds like he's within a few months of finishing high school but based on your concerns maybe he has a while to go.

chipmunks

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 8:24 am

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

Chipmunks, it is a little odd for a normal mother of a normal 18 year old boy to insist that her son must sleep home. But you're right, it's none of our business.

I don't think most people do it or need to. I guess I just didn't see it as insisting if he's on board, and it wasn't her question.

Anyway, I just don't think there's enough information in the post to advise in general. Switching halfway through 12th grade when your kid's happy seems drastic, so my impression was there's a really pressing reason for moving we don't know about or we have the wrong timeline...or both.

amother

Babypink

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 10:59 am

Toms River is a very quiet residential area. Not in the middle of any action. You have to drive a bit just to get too food to eat, nothing is right around the corner.
That doesn’t sound like the lifestyle your son is used to.

amother

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 2:41 pm

amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:

Nothing to do with Brooklyn or Lakewood, but unless something is abnormal, that's unhealthy. Being a helicopter parent is not going to help his development and maturity.

I disagree. I think sending teenagers out to be on their own has become a fad in the community and labeling someone who doesn’t agree “abnormal and unhealthy” is the sickness and judgmental attitudes I abhor in our community

amother

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 2:42 pm

amother [ Lime ] wrote:

If you live in the center of Lakewood, you will have to the option to go somewhere open at night. If you move to or near Toms River, it’s residential and quiet but only a few minute drive away.
It sounds like your son is a great guy and is in a perfect yeshiva for him.
Don’t rock the boar for a nice house.
Either find him a perfect yeshiva or wait a bit...

Thanks, good advice

amother

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 2:45 pm

chipmunks wrote:

Thanks for your very rational and understanding reply,
We are looking to move for numerous reasons, difficulty with relatives here, financial reasons, etc Can’t afford to buy another house in Brooklyn and want a warm and friendly change with an affordable house. Son is in first yr beis medrash, not high school

amother

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 2:45 pm

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

Chipmunks, it is a little odd for a normal mother of a normal 18 year old boy to insist that her son must sleep home. But you're right, it's none of our business.

Thanks so I’m not normal and neither is my son, feel good about yourself now?

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 3:00 pm

OP, I didn't say you're not normal. I said it's odd to insist that an 18 year old must sleep at home.
Teens going away for yeshiva is not a new "fad in the community" at all. Since the history or yeshiva's, boys have been sent away to learn at very young ages.

amother

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 5:45 pm

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

And that means that someone who doesn’t agree with it is odd?

amother

Pink

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 6:02 pm

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

And that's the part I say is not normal. Yes an 18 year old can dorm but it's not abnormal for him to want to live a normal home life. I support that. Unless he's a spoiled brat and needs to learn to be independent.
Nowhere did op say she insists.

Anyway, back to your original question.
What's the urgency?
Moving is a long conditioning process. You don't just pick yourself up from one day to the other and move.
We recently moved to TR from Brooklyn and love it. But we aren't night people and like the quiet. I have ridgeway l elementary aged boys and they b"h made new friends quickly.
Older teens definitely lose their independence unless they drive and you have a spare car.
Op does your son drive?
You need to come and experience the neighborhoods for yourself.
Come visit a few times, stay for shabbos, get a feel of the area.
Don't rush.
And housing can be cheap but it's not THAT cheap unless you're getting something small and old.
Do your research.

Eta- anonymous because I don't want to post yet under my SN that I moved!

amother

Maroon

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 6:03 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

And that means that someone who doesn’t agree with it is odd?

It just means that's what odd is a huge decision to move to a new location is resting heavily on an 18 year old's discomfort of it. Especially considering that the majority of boys his age are dorming and there are workarounds to resolve the concerns (unless there's something that you haven't told us).

Notsobusy

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 7:09 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It's so interesting that you would say it's a new fad. My grandfather went away to yeshiva before his bar mitzvah. My father and brothers went soon after their bar mitzvas. My sons are part of the new Lakewood fad where boys live at home until bais medrash.

Op has to figure out what will work best for her family. She may want to wait a couple years until her son is more mature. But it is a little unusual for an 18 yr old boy to insist on living at home.

amother

Pink

Tue, Nov 26 2019, 7:32 pm

Notsobusy wrote:

Firstly I don't see op's son insisting.
Secondly just like girls aren't expected to move out at 18 why should we expect that from these boys? They are in yeshiva so many long hours they're barely home anyway even if they sleep at home.
Maybe we would have more boys that are mentchlich and are used to living a normal home life if we didn't insist on sending them out.
I don't know. My boys aren't that big yet but I don't see anything odd with 18yr old boys wanting to live in their own home.