Would you rather? | Imamother

amother

Fri, Nov 29 2019, 5:31 am

Say there was extra money in the budget for either a nice piece or jewelry like an eternity necklace or a lavish kiddish, which would you rather?

DH would go along with what I pick. He would love to host a nice kiddish. The alternatives are a nice watch for him or a piece of jewelry for me.

I don't understand how a kiddish is a thank you to Hashem. Giving tzedukah I understand. We give plenty. A kiddish, seems to me, to be attention getting. It's like giving money to get recognition. OTOH, so is jewelry and nicer watches.

Please explain how a kiddish is a thank you to Hashem. I am not understanding this.

LovesHashem

Fri, Nov 29 2019, 6:50 am

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

I think it is a public recognition of Hashem's chesed t o you.

You can do many things publicly than waste loads of money on a party that will be forgotten. You can donate your time or money and share with the people you do it for that it's to recognize a goodness Hashem has done for you. You can start a gemach or a project or do so many more useful things.

southernbubby

Fri, Nov 29 2019, 6:50 am

A kiddish brings people together and makes them happy. In the shul that I used to go to before I moved, there was a very lonely older man who wouldn't accept invitations but who always felt comfortable coming to the kiddish and was upset when there was no kiddish.
Something that we do that strengthens the bonds of the kehilla is an important and enduring mitzvah.
Of course, you are also important but weigh the option not as something that is temporary verses something that is permanent.
Also, if your husband enjoyed the kiddish made by others, it is time to make one yourself.

tilot37354

Fri, Nov 29 2019, 7:30 am

I think you're right, OP. There's no real difference between simple Kiddush and lavish. It's all about conforming to societal pressures and showing off. That being said, so is the jewelry, so they're both technically qualitatively lacking in that regard. Only difference is jewelry will last longer.

I think you're right about what you wrote, that tzedaka is really the best way to say thank you to hashem. That's amazing of you to recognize that. I think a lot of is know it deep down, but most of us aren't brave enough to say it to ourselves, because we want that nice Kiddush or bracelet, so we justify it to ourselves by saying it's all about hakaras hatov. Good for you that you're intellectually honest with yourself to realize that the only one which is really hakaras hatov and gets the longest term bang for your buck is tzedaka. I'm very inspired by you. I hope that when I'm in your position I'll have the strength to do the same, and give it to tzedaka. It's so hard, because that recognition is nice; but you're right, tzedaka is really a better idea.

Mazel tov! May you see only nachas! Hakaras hatov, like brachos, are the way we "earn" something from Hashem. May He continue sending you much brachah in everything that you do!

devash1

Fri, Nov 29 2019, 8:02 am

I personally wouldn't do either of those things with the money. I have no desire for a fancy Kiddush that people will forget about in a day or two. I'm just not a jewelry person. I could think of lots of other things that I would enjoy much more though. You should do whatever would make you the happiest the longest.

amother

Emerald

Fri, Nov 29 2019, 11:22 am

After my daughter was born, my husband wanted a fancy kiddush, I didn't see the point.
When we called our rav to tell him we had a baby, he advised DH to make a big kiddush in order to get lots of brachos. He also said that's why people give alcohol, so people bentch with more gusto. That gave hubby all the go ahead he needed and he made a big shebang. (Not like $20,000, but maybe $5000.) I thought it was ok because a bris/ bris meal would've been about that amount.

My daughter is in pre school now, and people from my husband's shul still remember the kiddush and bless us to have another child.

Im usually not one for extravagant things but I can see why people would do it.

At another time I was at a vacht nacht/shalom zachor of a neighbor and he made a HUGE thing in a hall. Like wines and beers and whiskeys, carving boards n shmorgs n sorbet stations n ice sculpture saying mazel tov e.t.c. people were like "what does he need it for" I said he's sharing his simcha with you by having you have simcha at his party.

Ruchel

Sat, Nov 30 2019, 12:39 pm

People do not bench more when it's a bigger kiddush. Just do a kiddush. 5000? People use that on a bm. In fact many people fear the ayn hara and while I do not like it - well, there is something to it. BTDT.

amother

Vermilion

Sat, Nov 30 2019, 7:00 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I used to think giving a kiddush was a nice way to honor a deceased parent but then someone said something to me that made a lot of sense. What’s the honor in a bunch of people pushing and shoving to stuff their faces? Now I dedicate a shiur instead so I know people are learning Torah l’ilui nishmas.

Tell your dh to donate some of the money to a worthy tzedakah and spend the rest on a piece of jewelry for you to honor Shabbos and Yom Tov!

dankbar

Sat, Nov 30 2019, 7:20 pm

I once heard a story the way a girl didn't get engaged till she was older. They went to Rebbi & asked if she had a kiddush by birth. They said no. Rebbe said she missed out on the brachos they should give a kiddush now & then she got engaged.

amother

Sienna

Sat, Nov 30 2019, 7:39 pm

My parents had a number of girls in a row and they wanted to have a second boy in order to fulfill the mitzvah according to all opinions. My parents had been making slightly upgraded kiddeishim for the girls. (They would be considered bare minimum today. Mostly home baked goodies donated by neighbors and friends. The upgrade was maybe 1-2 fancy cakes and hot Cholent and kugel for the men, which was not fully standard at the time.) A choshuve rav told him to make a very very simple Kiddush when my sister was born, so that others won't wish on them another girl so they can enjoy a "fancy Kiddush". Well, it worked! The next and youngest child is a boy!

amother

Lilac

Sat, Nov 30 2019, 9:19 pm

dankbar wrote:

That has nothing to do with making a lavish kiddush.

tilot37354

Sat, Nov 30 2019, 11:41 pm

I can almost guarantee that nobody will regret in the long run making a simple Kiddush and giving the rest to tzedaka.

ובחנוני נא בזאת אמר ה' צב' אם לא אפתח לכם את ארבות השמים והריקתי לכם ברכה עד בלי די

amother

Mustard

Sat, Nov 30 2019, 11:47 pm

amother [ Emerald ] wrote:

Anyone else find this advice shocking?

amother

Peach

Sun, Dec 01 2019, 12:09 am

amother [ Sienna ] wrote:

Mustard, I was more shocked by this advice.

amother

Mistyrose

Sun, Dec 01 2019, 12:23 am

amother [ Mustard ] wrote:

Anyone else find this advice shocking?

I believe the concept of a kiddush comes from the korban today, that people were obligated to bake 40 loaves of bread with, that needed to be consumed within 18 hours, in order to force them to make a big party and invite lots of people to give thanks to Hashem.