making meals for other moms

amother

Thu, Jan 10 2008, 4:37 pm

Is it ok NOT to make meals for new mothers or host guests when you are very pregnant or have a new baby yourself? I have seen many people make meals even though they are pregnant or have a baby, but to me it is very overwhelming. I want to reciprocate, but I just want to wait until my life is more or less in order.

Ima'la

Thu, Jan 10 2008, 4:49 pm

It is OK not to make meals for s/o whenever you feel it is not what you can handle. Just because s/o else does it when they are 84 mos. pregnant with 43 kids under the age of 2 and working outside the house 19 hrs. a day, does not mean that you need to! You have to decide what's right for you, and simply and politely say, "Thanks for asking me, but I can't do it right now." Or, if it's someone who regularly arranges meals for families in the neighborhood, maybe add, "Try me again in a month or two" (or whatever timeframe).

The lady who was arranging meals in my neighborhood was actually one of the first people to know I was expecting! After saying no several times "because of family visiting from out-of-town" (also happened to be true), once I started telling people, I finally told her the real reason - and that I couldn't make meals for other people until I was managing to make them again for my own family!

amother

Thu, Jan 10 2008, 4:54 pm

I think is is totally 100% fine for you to wait until your life settles down to recipricate.

now a bit off topic here- but I do not understand when this practice of preparing meals for post pardum woman became so common ground.
I understand if you live in a very small jewish community with limited kosher food and of course if you have absolutely no help at home.
But I have seen this going on in very wealthy jewish communities where most woman do not work and have full time help AND where kosher prepared food is plentifull.
Please explain why you would rather eat food made by friends then food bought at the local grocery?

gonewiththewind

Thu, Jan 10 2008, 9:52 pm

amother wrote:

I'm with you. Making a meal for another family is a big deal. I rarely take meals after I have a baby or make for others. I don't find it a big deal to prepare stuff in advance or buy stuff or make something simple after I have a baby. But making a meal which has to be nice and a few courses etc is just too hard for me to fit in my daily schedule. Especially when these are people who are not tight on money and have gone to Mommy for a week or two already.And because it tastes better..well I guess you never tried my cooking. And even if it did, I don't think that is a reason to inconvenience people to such a degree.

mama-star

Thu, Jan 10 2008, 10:30 pm

whatever works for you. I can make meals with lots of kids and being big and pregnant, but that doen't mean it's everybody's cup of tea. the main thing is to take care of yourself and only do what YOU think YOU can handle! Smile

amother

Sun, Jan 13 2008, 11:14 am

I am the op. I had almost no help when my kids were born and money was tight (although I don't know if my friend realised that we were having $$ problems), so the meals I got were very appreciated. I guess I feel bad that I wasn't able to do the same for a couple of friends because I really was not on my feet enough to manage it.

melalyse

Sun, Jan 13 2008, 10:14 pm

I agree that a person should be able to say no when asked to make a meal. I also agree that a person should not be asked for at least a few months after thier own baby is born. That being said - I think that it is a very nice thing that most communities have meals prepared for new mothers. I don't think that people have to make numerous course meals. I usually make a lasagna or chicken with rice pilaf and that is it. It is nice to get a homemade meal for a week when you know that you are going to be getting takeout for the next 3. I also think thought that it was wonderful to get a chance to talk to someone who was delivering my dinner for a few minutes after being so overwhelmed with my newborn.
So I think that it is a very nice thing - but only for people that really want to be involved.

Ima'la

Mon, Jan 14 2008, 2:15 pm

op, people don't usually expect someone to be making meals for others when they have a new baby themselves. It's a great chessed to do, but if it's too hard for someone for any reason, the best thing is for them to simply say, "Mazel tov! I'd love to, but I'm so sorry - I just can't manage it right now."

I totally agree with melalyse about the simple meal thing. I was going to write it, but then I thought maybe it's fine where I live, but doesn't fly in Brooklyn or something.... I don't see why it has to be a multi-course meal - all I send is one course and that's all I expect from others! And I don't see any reason to make something fancier than you would make for your own family. Ok, not pancakes like I served us for dinner tonight - but lasagna & a salad - why not?

freidasima

Mon, Jan 14 2008, 3:08 pm

The custom of helping new mothers is lovely but here it is limited to those who came straight home from the hospital to a family of children without going to parents or to a beit hachlama (maternity recuperation home) for a week...otherwise you fend for yourself and if you can't, well then your family eats bread and spread for a few weeks and no one died from that either...I always froze a few shabbos soups and roasted chickens in advance and anyone can make some rice to go with it and the kids at any age can wash a cucumber and carrot that can serve as salad...

mumoo

Tue, Jan 15 2008, 12:36 am

amother wrote:

Please explain why you would rather eat food made by friends then food bought at the local grocery?

as Hashem yaazor says, 1.

Quote:

Because it tastes better

2. because take out is very expensive and requires someone to have the head to order and pick it up
3. meals from your friends and neighbors (who are NOT 84 months pregnant) make you feel like part of a wonderful community,
4. give you a chance to do a chesed (or receive a chesed; takes two),
5. let's you know people are thinking about you,
6. comes to your door, planned and cooked and ready to eat,
7. is a change from the last two weeks of hot dogs and pizza bagels and other fancy cooking of an 83.5 month pregnant mommy

Tefila

Tue, Jan 15 2008, 12:51 am

Quote:

but to me it is very overwhelming. I want to reciprocate, but I just want to wait until my life is more or less in order.

Op, don't push off for tommorrow, what you can do today Music

.

Who knows what tommorrow may have in store for us.
Who knows what opportunitys will lie ahead of us or would have missed.

You don't have to make anything elaborate, but even a little something will be a mitzvah.
Since the harder the work it is to do, the more sechar hashem gives you....................... Music

Hatzlacho

leomom

Tue, Jan 15 2008, 1:16 am

I happen to love this mitzvah and I try to do it whenever the opportunity arises. It's such a nice way to say mazel tov... plus like all chessed, it's also chinuch for our children. My kids see me take time to do something for someone else, they see that I do it with simcha... and my husband delivers the food (usually with one of the kids) -- so added family participation there, too.

It just feels good to be part of the whole cycle of helping and being helped. (But if I am already overwhelmed with my own baby, work, etc., of course there are times when I do say no.)

When my kids were born, I remember the warm feeling of opening the door and being presented with a hot meal. Even though I was expecting it, it always felt like such a surprise somehow -- like, WOW, you did this for ME?

Simple is the way to go. I've made lasagna/salad (popular one!), stir-fries, veggie pies, spaghetti. I once made a pot of soup. I've used packaged rice pilaf as a side dish. It doesn't matter, really. It truly is the thought that counts! (Here's a tip: Include a pan of PLAIN noodles if the family has children.)

Once someone brought me a FROZEN PIZZA. Very Happy

It wasn't officially her turn to cook, she just did it as an extra gesture, but it was great! I thanked her a few weeks later when that pizza saved dinner.

catonmylap

Tue, Jan 15 2008, 5:10 am

amother wrote:

Of course it is okay. Why is everyone always so afraid to say NO when they need to?

LisaS

Tue, Jan 15 2008, 5:46 am

Instead of going out to buy a fancy outfit or toy for the new baby, the meal is the perfect gift. It doesn't need to be fancy, just supper. One time I was given plain pasta with salad. Great! That is just what my toddlers will eat.
It is a way of bonding with other women in the community. Even before having kids we made meals and got to meet people that way.

catonmylap

Tue, Jan 15 2008, 6:17 am

Quote:

Even before having kids we made meals and got to meet people that way.

Where we were living before our current community, I don't think you were included until you had a baby. At one point, they asked me if I would participate, and I said yes, and maybe I did it once. But I felt like an outsider and I admit I would have felt bad cooking a meal for a mother who was much younger than I am and married a much shorter amount of time.

amother

Tue, Jan 15 2008, 12:11 pm

If this isn't a good time for you it is fine to say " not this time".
I like how yy said it. My kids see me doing & often go with me to bring it,& in return I feel great when some one brings it to me. Also with my last one,when someone brought a meal she looked at me & asked if I would like her to watch the baby, & it was the time the other kids were starting to come home,so I could go take a relaxing shower.She even gave my other kids a snack! Now that was special! Another friend sent over a big container of soup when I went back to work.She just stopped by with a warm fresh soup to use then or freeze, just because she knew the new schedule would be another adjustment.
Did anyone HAVE to do this?Of course not but I try my best to reciprocate so we each have it alittle easier when we need it.