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Going to parents for shabbos

 
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Dec 05 2019, 10:15 am
I got married and my dh was miserable in my hometown so I agreed to move away! We agreed that we will be coming to my mom often for the weekend just so I can be with my family and friends. Now quite a few years past and I was happy staying home because I had a great neighbor! She recently moved away and im miserable shabbos at home but my dh refuses to go to my mom! Help! He recently started working so shabbos is his only day off. He wants his bed, house to relax.
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Dec 05 2019, 1:34 pm
Marriage is made up of two people. The are equal partners and have equal rights. This means that he has a right to stay home and you have a right to visit your family.

So, you can do this in one of two ways:
1. You go to your parents as often as you like and he stays home as often as he likes ; or
2. You compromise by taking turns; some weeks you both stay home, some weeks you both go. All you have to work out is how often you do each.

Option 1 probably means you’d be spending a lot of Shabbatot apart. If it makes you both happy, no problem. But something tells me this would not make you happy. So you’re left with Option 2, compromise.

Compromise is essential to a good relationship whether it’s a business partnership or a marriage. If you and dh haven’t yet learned how to compromise, this is an excellent issue on which to practice. Come up with a plan to visit your family X times a year or Y times a month. The compromise is that you go less often than you’d like but more often than he’d like.

This is of course an oversimplification. There is the issue of your prior agreement to visit your folks more often. How much weight you want to lend to that? Did you have some other agreement that you’re not happy with that you could use as a balance? “Well, dh, you agreed to visit my folks twice a month and I agreed to host your friends once a week. you want to cut visits to my family to three times in two months. I’ll go along with that, but in exchange I want to cut back the hosting to once in two weeks.” Or whatever other things you want to hondel over.

That’s the simple and obvious. Less so is the question of why dh doesn’t want to go. Is it the tircha of travel, the fact that at your parents he had to be on his best behavior? does he dislike your folks or their house?

Another tack: is it possible to host your parents now and then? You’d get to see them more often and dh would get to sleep in his own bed.
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ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Dec 05 2019, 1:38 pm
Zaq, you always give such well thought out answers.
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Dec 05 2019, 1:38 pm
Is your dh flat out refusing to visit your folks at all? That is totally not OK. May I kick him in his hindquarters for you?

BTW where are his folks? Do you ever visit them?
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Dec 05 2019, 1:47 pm
One more thing, OP, missed because I was focusing just on the Shabbat visits issue and not the surrounding circumstances:

Much of your unhappiness seems to be not so much being apart from your family but having no friends where you live now that your one friend moved away. Well, you’re probably going to be living there for a long time and you’re probably not moving back to your hometown, so you need to start making friends where you live now. As in a major all out campaign. Join the sisterhood or the bikur chol I’m committee, strike up conversations in the park, post a notice for a walking buddy or a chavruta, and so on.
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Dec 05 2019, 3:55 pm
Why thank you, ShishKabob!
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Dec 05 2019, 5:56 pm
zaq wrote:
Is your dh flat out refusing to visit your folks at all? That is totally not OK. May I kick him in his hindquarters for you?

BTW where are his folks? Do you ever visit them?

He’s not flat out refusing, he just makes sure I know he’s doing me the biggest favor by going. Then I feel bad that because of me he cant enjoy his weekend the way he likes.
As for his family, they live out of town so we go just once a year. But I let him go himself a few times a year for a short visit
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Dec 05 2019, 5:59 pm
zaq wrote:
One more thing, OP, missed because I was focusing just on the Shabbat visits issue and not the surrounding circumstances:

Much of your unhappiness seems to be not so much being apart from your family but having no friends where you live now that your one friend moved away. Well, you’re probably going to be living there for a long time and you’re probably not moving back to your hometown, so you need to start making friends where you live now. As in a major all out campaign. Join the sisterhood or the bikur chol I’m committee, strike up conversations in the park, post a notice for a walking buddy or a chavruta, and so on.

I’ve been doing this all the time! Its not easy! I strike a conversation with anyone looking my way! I went to work to meet new people. But I still dont feel comfortable with anyone Sad
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