Son has stash of lingerie model pics; say something?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 4:35 pm

I found a stash of pictures my 13-year-old son apparently ripped out of sales flyers.

Do I say anything? I don't want to make him feel bad about having natural curiosity and taavos. On the other hand, shmiras einayim and working on self control is important.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 4:36 pm

Sure say something. But don't confront him. Ask him where he got them from.
And he should feel bad.

amother

Blue

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 4:38 pm

Have your husband address it

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 4:39 pm

Were you snooping in his things? If so, I would bring up the topic in a round about way. No kid wants to know that their parents have been snooping around their things. And all trust will be gone if that is the case.

amother

Tangerine

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 4:43 pm

Do NOT say anything without first consulting with a kind and wise chinuch expert.

amother

Aqua

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 4:44 pm

DH (not you) should give him the general shmiras einayim schmooze as part of the entering puberty conversation that is every parents duty to have with their child. Don't mention anything specific or that you found anything. Allow him to preserve his dignity and not know you caught him doing something wrong, especially since it was quite possibly unknowingly and is between him and G-d.

amother

Vermilion

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 4:48 pm

amother [ Aqua ] wrote:

This. Nothing, but nothing, good will come out of humiliating him and putting him on the spot.

How would you feel if your parents did that to you? Would you suddenly decide to 'be good' forever, or would it make you resentful and secretly rebellious?

If you humiliate him, he will just learn to hide things better. You need to address the issue indirectly (preferably his father will do it), never even hinting about what you found.

Also, were you snooping or you found it during random cleaning? It makes a big difference. If it was hiding among his personal possessions and he thinks you're looking through his things, he won't trust you again.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 4:50 pm

I might be old fashioned, but a parent has every right to go through a 13 year olds stuff. 13 is a child.

honeymoon

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 4:54 pm

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

I might be old fashioned, but a parent has every right to go through a 13 year olds stuff. 13 is a child.

No no no. He is a child at the brink of adulthood. A kid at 13 will feel terribly violated if he knows his mother regularly goes through his stuff. All trust will be gone, and it will be a long, arduous uphill climb to gain it back. If it is even possible.

amother

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 4:56 pm

I found them because he was acting furtive in the basement. My husband is messy and has a big area of the basement with shelves and boxes where he keeps all kinds of junk. No one ever goes through it. It's the perfect spot to hide stuff. I came down to the basement unexpectedly and my son quickly scrabbled to hide something he was messing around with there. So later I went and looked. Wouldn't you?

My dh is not the person to give a shmiras einayim shmooze. My dh does not have a good relationship with this son. This kid and I have already talked about puberty and shmiras einayim and all that. He knows.

amother

Brunette

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 4:57 pm

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

I might be old fashioned, but a parent has every right to go through a 13 year olds stuff. 13 is a child.

Yes it’s old fashioned. And proof is in my screwed up generation.

amother

Oak

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 4:58 pm

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

I might be old fashioned, but a parent has every right to go through a 13 year olds stuff. 13 is a child.

Not halachically.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 4:58 pm

13 isn't exactly the brink of adulthood. Most 13 year olds I know are not quite very mature. If a child wants to be trusted, he needs to earn it.
I wonder if there's a specific reason OP felt the need to go through his stuff. Were you suspicious of anything OP?

amother

Oak

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 4:59 pm

I don't know what you should do, but this is very normal behavior. Being against halacha doesn't make something abnormal.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 5:00 pm

OP, maybe your son found the pictures hidden in DH stuff and stuffed it back there??

honeymoon

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 5:03 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Doesn't seem like you were snooping. You sensed a problem and listened to your motherly intuition. I would suggest taking the time to think it over or discuss it with a mechanech whom you trust before addressing it. It can be a building block which will help your child be a better person or it can be the destruction of his self esteem. Proceed with caution.

amother

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 5:06 pm

Quote:

OP, maybe your son found the pictures hidden in DH stuff and stuffed it back there??

Nope! My dh is the type to do everything right, it's really quite annoying for us less than perfect types! Anyway if he wanted to look at stuff he would just use his smartphone. He's a very good guy though and that isn't at all something he would do.

chayamiriam

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 5:11 pm

I would never say anything to this child and humiliate him. This could effect his s-xual life as an adult leave him be its just a natural curiosity that all boys have whether they know about it or not!

marina

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 5:16 pm

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

Sure say something. But don't confront him. Ask him where he got them from.
And he should feel bad.

Why should he feel bad? For wanting to look at lingerie pix? For having hormones? Do you feel bad for your estrogen cycle?

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Dec 10 2019, 5:35 pm

OP, why are you so quick to dismiss that it might be your husband's and so quick in suspecting your son??
We'd all like to believe our husbands are perfect, but he was hiding in the basement in DH stuff.

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