Tips for Rabbi versus teachers

amother

Linen

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 3:01 pm

I don't give based on appreciation level. I give both teachers and rebbeim $15 each. I am struggling financially. I think the teachers - both the men and women - understand that many are struggling nowadays. I wish I could give more, but then how will I buy food for Shabbos?
The girls do joint but it's $15-20 per teacher. My older daughter has 2 teachers and 1 assist. If someone can't afford that they will still accept less to be part of the joint class gift. Some years we had every girl prepare a card, in addition to the general class card.

* In my community the average is 10-30 per teacher.

amother

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 3:01 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

I give according to my means . If I have the money I’ll tip the rebbeim and teachers equally. This year I don’t even have $5 to give each rebbe or teacher . So I will be writing a letter of appreciation without anything enclosed. I just hope I won’t be resented for it. My other option would be to borrow money to give tips which makes no sense to me at all at the moment.

Please believe me that I would much rather prefer a heartfelt note than a few dollars. Please don’t borrow for this! I wish I would get some appreciation

amother

Oak

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 3:02 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Why should it be abolished? Why is everything all or nothing. Why can it be that everyone can give or not give as much or as little as they want. Why should a parent feel embarrassed to give $20 to a rebbi and why should a parent feel forced into giving for a teacher because the class is collecting.

Why can we be more genuine and you feel an extra appreciation to your child’s caregiver you can express it in whichever way you’d like

I think it should be abolished because unfortunately what you are describing is not the reality in our schools. What you are describing is ideal-everyone gives what they can, and expresses their appreciation in an individual way. I am all for showing appreciation. But the reality is that many teachers expect large amounts and resent getting smaller amounts. I know this because I work in a very large school (I'm not a teacher) and I have overheard teachers comparing how much they got, and making snide remarks about students who didn't give as much as they wanted. Or saying how they only got "cheap junk" from amazing savings when a parent gave a nice serving dish. It's so greedy and such a lack of middos.

I can only afford an $18 check, but I make sure to write a long, detailed card with specific examples of things that I appreciate. Still, I am left wondering what is being said about me behind my back.

amother

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 3:04 pm

amother [ Linen ] wrote:

Of course teachers understand financial struggle. I think that you do tip according to appreciation. Meaning that you appreciate the rebbi and teacher equally so you tip them equally. That’s all I’m asking

amother

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 3:06 pm

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

I think that that is very sad. The way the teachers react and that parents “fear” if the teacher or rebbi looks down at them. Sounds quite unprofessional and immature. I would never discuss any of this in school.

amother

Burlywood

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 3:19 pm

In my kids' school (on the line between RWMO and Modern Yeshivish), parents all give money toward one giant fund, which is divided among the staff. Rebbes get more than teachers only if they teach more hours.

The only justification I see for the difference would require Morahs to get as much as rebbes- because Chanukah specifically celebrates teaching Torah. Although I believe that the teachers that teach the kids to read so they can learn and do math so they can understand the math gemaras, etc, contribute too. At my kids' bar mitzvahs, I make sure to thank their preschool teachers. Because without the morah who taught you aleph beis, where would you be?

amother

Oak

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 4:00 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You sound like a wonderful teacher. And I mean that sincerely.

amother

Teal

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 5:11 pm

The whole tipping system is a bad idea.

First, because of the inequality that op mentioned.

Second, because teachers are human, and it's impossible not to be influenced in some way by a gift. You're going to hesitate before punishing a kid whose parents tip generously.

Third, because it's demeaning. Tips are for service providers, not professionals. I tip a trash collector, but not an accountant. Both provide a valuable service, but skilled work is paid at a higher rate and not tipped. Can you imagine slipping your doctor a hundred dollars? Surely you value a doctor more than a manicurist.

MO schools do it right, in my opinion. They pay teachers more and treat them like the professionals that they are. (Yes, tuition is much higher. If you value education, you have to pay for it.)

Ravenclaw

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 6:20 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It’s the first time I got money collectively. Personally I’d rather get separately 5 and 10 dollars from students. Then it usually has a note attached that is personal.

I know I’m sounding a bit greedy here but it’s the first time I’m at this school and to get one envelope with hundred dollars and one note from “everybody” bothered me. I don’t know who wrote the poem. Looks like something that they used the year before. It wasn’t signed off. I wish I would’ve at least gotten appreciation.

In my previous school I didn’t get more money but I did get more recognition. One kid brought me a donut with a note that she wrote. Another $10 and a note from her parents...
And I give every rebbi so much more that it triggered something within me

I hope you aren't my daughter's teacher, because if so I feel very guilty. They collected for a collective gift, and I was going to give separately instead, but in the end, I didn't have enough and so decided to just give the amount they were collecting.

I agree with you 100% (and am also worried--I tipped my son's driver 20$--is that not considered normal?) about the difference between rebbes being paid more than teachers, but it honestly is not the parents' fault. People are giving what is considered socially normal. We do this all the time when we tip, and people tip differently in different countries and cultures. People are not giving the rebbis more because they appreciate them more, but because they don't have a choice if they want to follow social norms. However, I do agree with you that social norms regarding tipping teachers are a problem. I am just trying to make you feel better that it isn't anything personal for the parents themselves.

amother

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 6:56 pm

Ravenclaw wrote:

Thanks. I don’t take it personally. I know that this is the social norms. I personally see nothing wrong and embarrassing to give a rebbi $20. It’s all a bonus and should be appreciated like a mature adult.

And yes, when my son had a morah I gave her the same amount I give his rebbi. If I wouldn’t have the money I would give her less and the rebbi less.

Just curious, how much did you pay for the teacher? You gave $20 for the bus driver. I have a feeling less for the teacher. Why? So the driver Chas v’sholim shouldn’t be hurt? Do men have bigger egos?

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 7:09 pm

I’m not a teacher. But I give my all to my job too. I don’t get any holiday tips or bonuses. And it’s the hardest time of year in my field too. Oh, and I was asked to contribute $30 for the teachers and assistants combined per kid plus $15 for office staff. I don’t have boys so I don’t know what I’d be doing for a rebbe.

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 7:15 pm

Personally I think this whole tipping situation is defeating the purpose. Ppl r so under pressure to give the right amount and to keep up with the norm of the amount of tips that the whole idea of “showing appreciation” gets lost. Most ppl tip cuz that’s the thing to do etc.
I myself am a therapist and I did not receive a single note of appreciation this chanuka yet. (Its my first year in that school... so...) I’m not talking about tips cuz I don’t expect tips AT ALL!! But I DO work hard and give ur kids my all!! Where is a small note of appreciation and recognition?!? I know some of u might say “ur probably not the best therapist”etc
Lemme tell u something; I’m not arrogant or anything, but I know I’m working hard and seeing results and I do deserve a little bit of recognition! But I do understand, most moms r so bz keeping up with the tips that they forget that the ones u dont have to tip, also deserve a note of appreciation!

amother

Burgundy

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 7:43 pm

As a giyoret and assistant teacher in a preschool, I am surprised that there is a double standard ... I also expect nothing from parents. I appreciate the $25 gift card I got at the end of the year last year as much as the child's drawing, or the scarf. Or the handwritten note. Parents pay a LOT in tuition, and it's not their fault that I make minimum wage.

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 8:02 pm

I don’t yet have a boy in school.

My dds class mother asked for $20 from each girl , which would then be split for three teachers. That would be around $187 per teacher (not sure how they’re splitting it though).
I feel uncomfortable giving so little so I am also giving them each an $18 gift card. But now I’m wondering if that looks cheap??? With a nice card

amother

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 8:22 pm

amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:

Of course that’s not cheap. So nice if you

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Dec 24 2019, 8:34 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Of course that’s not cheap. So nice if you

Thank you... I didn’t grow up frum and didn’t come from a big family so maybe that’s why my perception is such, but it seems crazy to me to give $5 to anyone for anything , almost insulting .... I wish I could give my kids teachers $1000 tips! You all deserve it! I know you aren’t at my dd’s school but I’m sure you love your girls .

I think in my circle the norm is $50 for rebbeim and just chipping in for the morahs. I wish I knew why.

Simple1

Wed, Dec 25 2019, 4:24 am

Ravenclaw wrote:

I agree so much with this. I tip as expected. It would be impossible to tip everyone I appreciate. As an example, I don't think high school teachers get tipped because there are so many - correct me if I'm wrong. But some of those teachers really made a difference in my kids lives.