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Getting married right after seminary
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amother




Cerulean
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 5:08 pm
dont worry, she not on the high of seminary.
And marriage not doing well has nothing to do with seminary in this case.
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Mollie




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 6:38 pm
She’s texting and Whatsapping a boy, (definitely against seminary rules) and you’re afraid of a seminary high? Sounds more like she is not taking advantage of the seminary year at all. Which is fine if she’s ready to get married
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English1




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 7:14 pm
I would encourage her to keep the talking to a minimum. Get the most out of seminary that she can. It's her year to learn n grow as an individual not as a couple. Mayb once or twice a week max. Encourage her to to date him after seminary for a bit in person and then see how it goes. It's a lot easier to talk on the phone amd get along then it is in person sometimes. There is no rush. I would try to figure out why she is so rushed into getting married? Is it to run from something? Scared of being alone? Or actually genuinely ready to get married?
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amother




Rose
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 7:48 pm
Also, she may be talking about marriage to him, but I wouldn’t assume that he’s on board. Unless he’s significantly older than she is, most guys who date at such a young age, like while they’re in bais Midrash in Israel, have very little interest in marriage for a while.
Girls frequently make this mistake, assuming a serious relationship means marriage. For the guy, it frequently doesn’t.
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amother




Rose
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 7:54 pm
Also I know this isn’t your question and I apologize In advance if it’s intrusive and unwanted.
If your daughter is in a seminary that doesn’t allow dating, and many many seminaries have that rule, there may be unwanted consequences to this relationship.
Depending on the sem, it can range from being kicked out immediately, to being told they can stay if zero dating goes on.
Obviously there are a handful of seminaries that have more lenient policies...
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amother




Bronze
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 7:58 pm
My sister dated her DH over Pesach vacation of her seminary year. She did not go back to seminary, and got married 7 weeks later, right before Shavuos.

They are B"H happily married, nearly 20 years later, with a lovely family. Their oldest daughter is now in seminary.

The only downside to this, I think, was that they were very tight financially in the beginning... both of them being young, with very little savings, having to work their way up....neither of them from wealthy families, no financial support, etc....
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amother




Goldenrod
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 8:04 pm
mig100 wrote:
How do you see this?


I see it a little differently than the other poster.

I saw a big difference between the girls I knew who got married within the first year after seminary and the girls who got married within the next year.

I see a HUGE difference between the girls who get married at 19-20 and the ones who get married at 21-22.

The reason? 19 is a pivotal "changing" age. Young women are individuating as adults and learning about themselves as independent human beings. To get married at that cusp of adulthood is asinine. I know many people who already regret not having figured out who they were before they got married.

A teacher of mine once said that unless a girl changed radically in seminary, she should start dating within the first six months afterward. I disagree. I think that if a girl changed radically in seminary - be it emotionally, hashkafically, socially, or all of the above - she should DEFINITELY not date in the year or even two years after seminary, since she needs to figure out if the change is lasting or if she even wants it to be. If a girl didn't change that radically, maybe after one year home from seminary is an okay time to start.

I know I'm going to get rotten tomatoes for this, but I stand by what I say. I think that the stage of a 19-year-old, no matter how mature and worldly, is at the break from adolescence and into adulthood. It's foolish to get married at that point.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 9:20 pm
PinkFridge wrote:
There's shidduch dating, and there's finding each other dating. I think you need some IRL guidance for this.


Interestingly, my other married daughters did not find their spouses through the shidduch system (though they did try it) and actually found their spouses accidentally. And they are all B"H doing fine. DD was not planning to date while in seminary, yet this happened anyway. I'm not against it, I was just wondering if older dd was right that marraiges don't work out well when married right after sem.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 9:22 pm
Mollie wrote:
She’s texting and Whatsapping a boy, (definitely against seminary rules) and you’re afraid of a seminary high? Sounds more like she is not taking advantage of the seminary year at all. Which is fine if she’s ready to get married


The seminary is aware of the situation. They said that as long as she isn't actually dating him-as in he doesn't come to Israel- they are ok with it. Not thrilled, but not going to kick her out because of it either.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 9:28 pm
amother [ Rose ] wrote:
Also, she may be talking about marriage to him, but I wouldn’t assume that he’s on board. Unless he’s significantly older than she is, most guys who date at such a young age, like while they’re in bais Midrash in Israel, have very little interest in marriage for a while.
Girls frequently make this mistake, assuming a serious relationship means marriage. For the guy, it frequently doesn’t.


He is talking marraige too.

And for those worried about age and job, dd has 5 job offers already for when she comes back. In 3 different locations. And he is working at a good job, so that is not a major concern of mine. I also know his famiy a bit and am not worried about him being a crazy person or with major problems. The boy (young man) is, as I said, a friend of my sons and my son thinks he is a good person.
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ectomorph




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 10:33 pm
Sounds fine to me. I'd make a token protest and let them get married when it's clear they both want to
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mra01385




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Jan 05 2020, 10:35 pm
I got married a few years after seminary and Bh I’m so happy I did, because I was able to finish
My degree without being distracted with a husband and kids. I was also able to go on vacations and just enjoy life on my own before I had the responsibilities of marriage. Being married is a very big responsibility, because it constantly involves thinking about another person and how to make that person happy. It involves giving and respecting another person. It is a big life adjustment and it is a time where both husband and wife learn about each other and grow together so they can live together as a happy couple. A Frum marriage is all about giving and “how can I make my spouse happy today?” It’s NOT about what’s in it for me? A marriage where the Couple is only thinking about themselves is usually doomed for failure. Bh I’m happily married 11 years and I have to say that it’s not always fun and dandy. Many young sem girls and bais medrash boys are very immature starry eyed at such a young age and have no idea what a marriage is all about and how it constantly involves another person’s needs and feelings. I highly suggest that if your daughter does want to get married she should read some books or listen to Shiurim about what marriage is all about and maybe even take a premarriage Workshop given by Shalom task force to familiarize herself with what being married means and entails. It is not playing house or Cinderella where the couple lives happily ever after. In order for a couple to live happily ever after they have to be constantly working on that goal forever and learning what it means to give to another person. The question is whether your daughter is mature and ready to take on such a huge responsibility at such a young age. You don’t want your daughter to get married at 19 only to find herself divorced in a year or two and maybe even with a child realizing that she made a big mistake and didn’t realize what marriage was all about. Unfortunately the system today is so messed up. The pressure is so strong to get couples married so fast and in such a rush that many of these couples are finding themselves divorced 1-3 years later and many with a baby or two, because they were not prepared and not educated for what a happy marriage is all about. So I think in my opinion you should have a heart to heart talk with your daughter about what she is getting herself into by marrying at such a young age and especially to a boy she hardly knows in order to avoid a mess later. I’m apologize for the long post, but I’m speaking from my heart because I’m a very caring person and don’t want anyone to make big mistakes which they may regret later on.
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 4:46 am
Am I the only one who thinks you should take this more seriously?

I don't think anything good can come from prolonged "dating" over the phone etc.

Bring her home and let them go out for real. If they are really both serious, set a date!

If they are not really serious, they can end it.
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banana123




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 4:48 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
He is talking marraige too.

And for those worried about age and job, dd has 5 job offers already for when she comes back. In 3 different locations. And he is working at a good job, so that is not a major concern of mine. I also know his famiy a bit and am not worried about him being a crazy person or with major problems. The boy (young man) is, as I said, a friend of my sons and my son thinks he is a good person.

It sounds like your only concern, then, is the timing. So I would say not to worry, but yes to sit down with them and ask them to plan for the future, in a financial sense.
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Ruchel




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 6:52 am
Don't delay for driving. You can learn to drive married or you can not drive. It all depends if he's a kosher boy. Pushback may just motivate her.
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saw50st8




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 7:19 am
I don't think that it is such a big deal. Presumably, you know this guy enough to know he's a mensch. I do think that they should spend some time dating in person because there are some things you only pick up in person.

I have a few friends that dated seriously during seminary and got married right after. They are happily married.

I would also talk to her about practicalities. What are they going to do to support themselves? Are they going to college? What is their 5 year plan?
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essie14




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 7:21 am
I have a bunch of friends who came to Israel together with their HS boyfriends or met guys in Israel and a good number got married and are BH doing great. That being said, I also have a LOT of friends/acquaintances who married HS or sem boyfriends or married quickly out of sem and got divorced.

There's no hard and fast rule. Personally, I am a fan of getting married after the age of 21. I think young people need time to develop as adults and really clarify why they want to get married.
You cannot ever get those years back and IMO they are priceless.


Last edited by essie14 on Mon, Jan 06 2020, 9:11 am; edited 1 time in total
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Jan 06 2020, 9:09 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Interestingly, my other married daughters did not find their spouses through the shidduch system (though they did try it) and actually found their spouses accidentally. And they are all B"H doing fine. DD was not planning to date while in seminary, yet this happened anyway. I'm not against it, I was just wondering if older dd was right that marraiges don't work out well when married right after sem.


I'm not dissing finding each other marriages. I was just saying that when this happens in a family that is typically shidduch-dating oriented, some IRL guidance can be very helpful to guide the kids through this. I think that it's very reasonable to insist on some IRL dating, and some minimum time, reassure the kids there's no need to rush, and hatzlacha!
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