S/O To “Mixing In”- Interrogating Someone

thunderstorm

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 10:24 am

After reading the other thread where people found it rude that the OP joined a conversation where she wasn’t wanted , I began thinking:
Does it bother you when someone meets you for the first time and they begin asking you questions like : Are you related to so and so? Did you work at such and such? Are you the sibling of XYZ? Where are you from? Where are you ORIGINALLY from? Etc.

I like connecting to people and I know that the world is very small and find it nice to discover we have already been connected in some way. BUT I know people that find it extremely invasive and offensive when people do that or when they show interest in them. They think it’s rude, while I see it as showing genuine interest in a person. What do you think?

amother

Seashell

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 10:27 am

The answers you'll get will be highly individual. You need to pick up the vibes from the other person. If they seem like they're uncomfortable or annoyed, stop. If they engage, go ahead!

Last edited by amother on Mon, Jan 20 2020, 1:28 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 10:29 am

I don't mind when people ask me normal neutral questions. I do mind when they start digging deeper and asking more personal questions. I just stay quiet and don't answer.

33055

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 10:35 am

I was taken aback when that first happened when moving to Monsey. I found it extremely intrusive to be interrogated. What's wrong with letting a friendship brew naturally?

I am very close to an abrasive person from the neighborhood. She was asking me if my husband had a good parnosa when we met and other questions of that ilk. I turned everything back on her and asked her. Somehow a long term friendship was formed. She got under my reserve and I got through her abrasiveness.

clowny

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 10:38 am

As long as the questions are not personal, I think it’s ok and it wouldn’t bother me at all. In fact I would be happy. I think it’s nice to connect with other people.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 10:41 am

Some questions are more ok than others. "What type of music do you enjoy" is ok.
"Are your parents ok with you listening to this and this artist" is more uncomfortable because you're asking about an interpersonal relationship.
Signed by: a person who tests these boundaries way too many times.

lilies

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 10:47 am

imanonymous wrote:

The answers you'll get will be highly individual. You need to pick up the vibes from the other person. If they seem like they're uncomfortable or annoyed, stop. If they engage, go ahead!

This.
It's a two-way street. If you're the one asking all the questions, that's pushing it. If the person reciprocates with their own questions, and it's a friendly back and forth, it's fine.

amother

Saddlebrown

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 10:57 am

Squishy wrote:

There's a huge difference between playing Jewish geography (which is what the OP is referring to) and asking someone how much they earn.

I hate Jewish geography. No, you don't know anyone I'm related to. No, you don't know where I'm from, and don't know anyone I grew up with. Trust me.

But its not offensive unless you continue when the other makes clear that she doesn't want to answer.

hodeez

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 11:19 am

I get very annoyed when the second question a stranger asks me is"what do you do?" It's like they want to decide if I am worth their time or something...

polka dots

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 11:48 am

hodeez wrote:

I get very annoyed when the second question a stranger asks me is"what do you do?" It's like they want to decide if I am worth their time or something...

Really? I think it’s a very neutral way to find common ground. I wouldn’t assume the person is working. But I don’t see what’s wrong discussing this.

STMommy

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 11:56 am

I have a common Jewish last name from my DH (let's say Cohen, but that's not it).
There are multiple ways to spell it.
People will frequently ask me loads of questions ("Are you related to the Cohens from Antwerp" etc) that are (a) are referring to another well-known family with the same sounding last name but they spell it differently or (b) things that I wouldn't be able to answer because, hello, it's my DH's family name not mine.

zaq

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 3:54 pm

Jewish geography is a time-honored tradition. We all like to find connections, and if a newly-met person knew my grandmother or had the same HS English teacher as I or asked the meaning of my name, that's fun to know and share. Now if they fired a series of questions at me while evading my own questions to them, or if they asked about my love life, social security number, dress size, net worth and HIV status, well, then we'd have a problem.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 3:59 pm

hodeez wrote:

I get very annoyed when the second question a stranger asks me is"what do you do?" It's like they want to decide if I am worth their time or something...

What do you consider good neutral topics to make small talk over and find common ground regarding (non weather related)?

ruchelbuckle

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 6:28 pm

polka dots wrote:

Really? I think it’s a very neutral way to find common ground. I wouldn’t assume the person is working. But I don’t see what’s wrong discussing this.

I agree- lots of times if I’m talking with someone, let’s say someone I meet at the shul kiddush or seated at a chasuna, I’ll ask “what do you do?” I then follow up with “oh, very nice.! Where did you go to school for that? How long have you been in the field? Do you need a Masters for that?” Etc.... (not all those questions obviously, but it’s a good icebreaker. If I see that the person is not interested, then I stop. But I am definitely not asking to decide if you are at my intellectual level or anything..... I am really truly asking to be friendly and show that I am interested in you as a person. But it’s good to be more aware that not everyone appreciates this

amother

Black

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 6:40 pm

I'm a BT. I've always hated Jewish geography because I never know the right people. I didn't go to the right school, the right camps, etc. People seem to get visibly disappointed in me and then continue with a desperation that's just embarrassing. "But you must know Chani! She's from the same town!" At that point it does feel like an interrogation. A couple of questions about what I do, asked casually to start conversations, no problem.

amother

Ecru

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 6:56 pm

Jewish geography has always been annoying to me bc honestly, I don't care, but I've seen it get really bad. How about the teachers in hs taking attendance the first day who stop on a name, "oh I know your mother, great grandmother and six times removed ancestors" and skim past all the BT last names. Every single period for the first day. Then my sister was separated and then she couldn't get her gett (she finally did) so what am I supposed to answer to "and who is your sister married to?"

rosezee

Wed, Jan 08 2020, 7:06 pm

When the person doesn’t let me get a word in at all, or lead the conversations at moments also- yes. Yes. And yes!
Something is really off to me when someone asks questions one after the other just about me, never sharing about themselves or even allowing me to ask about them.

If it’s Qs about me, I can ask back, we can CONNECT. Yes. Totally. Love it!
Otherwise, no, go away. And leave me alone.