Why suddenly when I’m hospitalized do people care?

amother

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:21 pm

My previous (first) pregnancy was a complicated one with bedrest from 4 months. Then at 5 months I was admitted to the hospital and remained there until (premature) delivery.

No one had offered any help while I was on bedrest. But suddenly when I was in the hospital, everyone rushed to come visit with balloons and teddy bears and chizzuk. (The hospital is over an hour away without traffic.)

I’m pregnant again and on bedrest again (for various reasons we were hoping the complications wouldn’t repeat but here we are again).

I don’t have family around but dh’s entire family (immediate and extended) lives here. And they’ve known about my situation since the start. Again, not even one offer of assistance. Now I’m not here to judge them on why they aren’t trying to help.

But I can’t help but think that if I end up in the hospital again, suddenly everyone will take hours out of their day to make the special trip to bring me teddy bears and chocolate.

I don’t know what to make of that. I guess I’m just in a bad place right now. And trying to make sense of things. And yes, feeling horrible.

amother

Beige

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:27 pm

A hospital is inherently less private, so people worry less about infringing on your privacy.

acemom

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:28 pm

Hugs!

I assume when you are hospitalized people feel visitting and bringing chocolate is "enough".
When you are "just on bedrest" and they can't help out much, they rather do nothing.

Just my observation.

amother

Aubergine

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:28 pm

So sorry you feel like that Sad

I think people like to be the hero and visiting you at home is not as satisfying for them.

If you really need the help and support now someone might have to point it out very clearly to them or you might need to find other people that can help and have no expectations of your family.

If you are in the 5 towns I am happy to help in any way I can!

amother

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:29 pm

amother [ Beige ] wrote:

A hospital is inherently less private, so people worry less about infringing on your privacy.

There are ways to help without infringing on my privacy.
My family needs to eat. Little kids need to be taken care of. So much can be helpful when the home is falling apart.

I’m just wondering if they care at all, or if the hospital visits are out of guilt or for me to make them feel good about their special visits.

amother

Maroon

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:29 pm

Please. If you need help just ASK!
I have a close family member who gets upset that no one is there, and even if we try most times its rejected. She has a difficult time just asking for help...

Ask a woman in your community to make a meal train for your family and whatever else you may need...

amother

Lime

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:30 pm

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

Exactly. OP, you need to ask. I know it's hard, but if you ask for help, people will help.

amother

Seagreen

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:31 pm

I read the thread title and thought to myself "lucky her".
When I was hospitalized no one cared.

I get that you're down right now, but practically speaking no one owes you anything. I don't mean this in a mean way, just this is reality.

Hire more help, or if you can't afford it see if you can get chessed girls.

Hang in there. You're a strong woman, I can tell.

amother

Silver

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:32 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I've learned from my own self that I often don't understand what people are really going through until I've gone through it myself. I tell people often of an example in my own life. I have known people who have moved, and it never occurred to me that they needed anything. And then I had to move, and suddenly a friend showed up (even though I told her I didn't need help), and just helped me pack boxes, and it was a lifesaver.

People have experience going to the hospital, and they know what makes them feel good. Not everyone has experience being on bedrest. People aren't mindreaders - can you find a way to let them know about extra help you could use? If you want visitors, you can text some of them and say something light like, "bedrest is sooo boring! If you ever want to visit, I'm always available!" and a smiley face or wink.

Or if you need more help, you can ask a bais yaakov girl for dinner help, etc, or your in laws to come for an hour or so. Ask! It sounds like they love you, they certainly came to visit you to show their love when they felt you were in need. To them, maybe they feel that, unlike a hospital stay, with bed rest you're still surrounded by your family. And that bed rest isn't like you're chained to the bed, you can get up to go to the bathroom and get yourself something to eat.

Feel better, OP! I wish you health with this pregnancy!

amother

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:34 pm

amother [ Lime ] wrote:

Exactly. OP, you need to ask. I know it's hard, but if you ask for help, people will help.

My husband tried asking a sister and his mother. His mother said she can’t and his sister said she’ll do it for pay (my husband would rather buy takeout).

I’m burned from asking.

I had two friends send supper once, and I know for them it was really hard. They work full time and have young children.

It’s not that I’m trying to get them to understand how we need help. They know.

But why is it too difficult now but then rush to “help” when I’m in the hospital? This is what is unnerving to me.

rosezee

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:35 pm

It once took a friend not helping me when I needed it for me to finally understand that I can’t feel entitled to help.
Everyone has something going on.
Not everyone is able to give.

Odelyah

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:35 pm

I know it's hard to ask-- but if they went to the hospital I would assume they are people who mean well-- is there someone in the family you feel comfortable enough with to express your need (in a non critical way) who could then get the memo to everyone else? People are busy and caught up with their own stuff; I think somehow hospital gets their attention-- you need someone to tune them in to focus on your current situation the same way.. even a close friend who also knows your relatives maybe? Hug

amother

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:35 pm

amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:

I read the thread title and thought to myself "lucky her".
When I was hospitalized no one cared.

But that’s what I’m trying to understand. Teddy bears and balloons and chocolate in unwanted visits in the hospital isn’t help. If they truly cared, wouldn’t they try to help in ways we actually need?

amother

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:36 pm

rosezee wrote:

It once took a friend not helping me when I needed it for me to finally understand that I can’t feel entitled to help.
Everyone has something going on.
Not everyone is able to give.

I know. Which is why I don’t expect them to do what they can’t. But that’s why it’s confusing, when they’re suddenly rushing to “help” when it’s a whole lot more difficult and time consuming.

amother

Powderblue

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:37 pm

you are lucky you have visitors when I was in the hospital for a month before I gave birth no
one visited me I was in a wing in the hospital with woman who were pregnant with complications

rosezee

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:43 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I guess maybe the hospital is just more of a typical situation acceptable for giving?

If you’re at home- it can’t be that bad: perhaps is the thought some people have?

Have you tried asking for help?
Empowering yourself.

amother

Silver

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:45 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Question: When your MIL and SIL visited you in the hospital, was it early in the day? Your critical time may be when the kids get home and need dinner, but maybe that's not their ideal time slot. I know for myself, it's exhausting. And how many kids do you have, and are they older? Is this for a family of three, or a family of five? It makes a difference.

And yes, just get takeout.

daagahminayin

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:48 pm

Hi OP. Gosh that sounds super frustrating!

amother

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:48 pm

rosezee wrote:

Have you tried asking for help?
Empowering yourself.

We did. Read a few posts back.

Although I learned not to rely on help. Our home is falling apart but I guess we’ve gotten used to it. My husband would rather have me home and no supper than in the hospital so he makes do without a functioning home.

amother

Tue, Jan 14 2020, 1:51 pm

amother [ Silver ] wrote:

And yes, just get takeout.

That’s what we’ve been eating for the past few months. 🤮