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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jan 16 2020, 8:51 am
I gave my ds 10 this morning something new to dress . It ended up being big so I told him to put on something else and I will return it and exchange for something else. He became so frustrated and angry, "you always buy me too small or to big" a crazy mother, a tzidrieta mother...
I told him calmly that I will exchange it and gave him calmly something else to wear and I just said to him that u never talk like this , especially not to a parent. He answers back that u do talk like this. then I said nothing I ignored . I didn't wanna go into anything before he left to yashiva, but I literally feel lost and chilly with this child. (Im the mother posted on different thread about angry child) I was really resisting from giving him a potch , just I dont do this style of parenting anymore . Yet I do not wanna let this anymore and make a stop to it very firmly. Im still going to bring it up later in the day, I feel he needs a consequence for talking like this . Its ongoing, I cant let it any longer. I feel like sooo mad @ him right now , his anger is only becoming worse , his chutzpa is becoming worse, can anyone give me an idea how u would respond to this behavior? I feel like he hates me as a mother . I feel I give so much from myself to him. I treat him, he is the only one I play the most games with, I always bake with him since I know he loves baking , what else is he or I missing ? I feel like this with his behavior is going to far.
He definitely has sensory issues which gets him annoyed a lot , if anyone knows what can help for sensory problems lemme hear, I feel terrible aggravated from this child , he is giving me a tremendous hard time. I was being very calm before he left my house in the morning but now after he left I just feel soo angry @ him and I just feel like crying . A 10 year old , so chutzpah, doesnt know how to manage his anger , laibels me, I cant tolerate this any longer. Please help me how I can react to him later , I feel he needs to apologize. What do u do when a child calls u CRAZY, TZIDREIT???
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jan 16 2020, 9:09 am
Did you ever hear the children's rhyme, "I'm rubber and you're glue, anything you say bounces off me and sticks to you?"

There's truth to it. Most of the time, what we say about others is a reflection of our own emotional state.

Sit him down this evening, and tell him, "I understand you were disappointed about the shirt this morning, but you forgot the proper way to speak to a mommy. What should you have said instead of calling me crazy and tzidreit?"

If he says he doesn't know, teach him about "I" language. "When we're upset, it's important not to call names, just to share feelings. A better way to say it is, "that's the second time you bought me something the wrong size, I'm really upset and disappointed, and here's why...""

Providing him with a better choice works much better than just telling him not to be so chutzpadik, and then when it happens again (and it probably will at some point), you can calmly remind him of the better choice.
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amother




Pearl
 

Post  Thu, Jan 16 2020, 9:11 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I gave my ds 10 this morning something new to dress . It ended up being big so I told him to put on something else and I will return it and exchange for something else. He became so frustrated and angry, "you always buy me too small or to big" a crazy mother, a tzidrieta mother...
I told him calmly that I will exchange it and gave him calmly something else to wear and I just said to him that u never talk like this , especially not to a parent. He answers back that u do talk like this. then I said nothing I ignored . I didn't wanna go into anything before he left to yashiva, but I literally feel lost and chilly with this child. (Im the mother posted on different thread about angry child) I was really resisting from giving him a potch , just I dont do this style of parenting anymore . Yet I do not wanna let this anymore and make a stop to it very firmly. Im still going to bring it up later in the day, I feel he needs a consequence for talking like this . Its ongoing, I cant let it any longer. I feel like sooo mad @ him right now , his anger is only becoming worse , his chutzpa is becoming worse, can anyone give me an idea how u would respond to this behavior? I feel like he hates me as a mother . I feel I give so much from myself to him. I treat him, he is the only one I play the most games with, I always bake with him since I know he loves baking , what else is he or I missing ? I feel like this with his behavior is going to far.
He definitely has sensory issues which gets him annoyed a lot , if anyone knows what can help for sensory problems lemme hear, I feel terrible aggravated from this child , he is giving me a tremendous hard time. I was being very calm before he left my house in the morning but now after he left I just feel soo angry @ him and I just feel like crying . A 10 year old , so chutzpah, doesnt know how to manage his anger , laibels me, I cant tolerate this any longer. Please help me how I can react to him later , I feel he needs to apologize. What do u do when a child calls u CRAZY, TZIDREIT???


Oy, it's not easy and very frustrating to deal with such a child. He must be evaluated and get help for the anger issue, you can not solve an anger problem without professional help. The chutzpa goes hand in hand with the anger. If he has a true anger issue, he will not get it that he's doing something wrong and needs to apologize. Is he also like this in school? What do his teachers say?
For the sensory issues, you can have him evaluated by an OT.
When my kids call me names once in a blue moon, I wait for them to calm down and ask them calmly: Do you really think mom is stupid? Do you really think mom is crazy? They get that they said something wrong and feel bad about it. Then we have a talk that we don't use such words on parents or any person.
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amother




Babypink
 

Post  Thu, Jan 16 2020, 9:19 am
Uchh its so hard! I can relate!

You handled it so well!

I think you need to validate yourself. You tried your best to buy him pants that would be good and they didn't fit. It happens! You are a good mother.

Next time, I would try and understand where he is coming from. "I see it really bothers you that the pants don't fit! "

Or maybe humor. (Slapping your head) "Silly Mommy! I bought you the wrong size! These are so big, maybe Tatty should wear them!"
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lilies




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jan 16 2020, 9:19 am
It sounds like you are making sure to give him quality time and then he responds with anger and chutzpah at other times. It's confusing.
Please read "Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control". It is a great resource and will explain why a kid goes down that road and how to deal with it.
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amother




Pearl
 

Post  Thu, Jan 16 2020, 9:26 am
amother [ Babypink ] wrote:
Uchh its so hard! I can relate!

You handled it so well!

I think you need to validate yourself. You tried your best to buy him pants that would be good and they didn't fit. It happens! You are a good mother.

Next time, I would try and understand where he is coming from. "I see it really bothers you that the pants don't fit! "

Or maybe humor. (Slapping your head) "Silly Mommy! I bought you the wrong size! These are so big, maybe Tatty should wear them!"


She shouldn't call herself silly mommy if she's trying to get her kid to stop.
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amother




Bronze
 

Post  Thu, Jan 16 2020, 9:30 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I gave my ds 10 this morning something new to dress . It ended up being big so I told him to put on something else and I will return it and exchange for something else. He became so frustrated and angry, "you always buy me too small or to big" a crazy mother, a tzidrieta mother...
I told him calmly that I will exchange it and gave him calmly something else to wear and I just said to him that u never talk like this , especially not to a parent. He answers back that u do talk like this. then I said nothing I ignored . I didn't wanna go into anything before he left to yashiva, but I literally feel lost and chilly with this child. (Im the mother posted on different thread about angry child) I was really resisting from giving him a potch , just I dont do this style of parenting anymore . Yet I do not wanna let this anymore and make a stop to it very firmly. Im still going to bring it up later in the day, I feel he needs a consequence for talking like this . Its ongoing, I cant let it any longer. I feel like sooo mad @ him right now , his anger is only becoming worse , his chutzpa is becoming worse, can anyone give me an idea how u would respond to this behavior? I feel like he hates me as a mother . I feel I give so much from myself to him. I treat him, he is the only one I play the most games with, I always bake with him since I know he loves baking , what else is he or I missing ? I feel like this with his behavior is going to far.
He definitely has sensory issues which gets him annoyed a lot , if anyone knows what can help for sensory problems lemme hear, I feel terrible aggravated from this child , he is giving me a tremendous hard time. I was being very calm before he left my house in the morning but now after he left I just feel soo angry @ him and I just feel like crying . A 10 year old , so chutzpah, doesnt know how to manage his anger , laibels me, I cant tolerate this any longer. Please help me how I can react to him later , I feel he needs to apologize. What do u do when a child calls u CRAZY, TZIDREIT???


The first step is to not give him new clothing in the morning especially if he hasnt tried it on yet to see if it fits. So when you buy him new clothing then have him try it on at night first when he is calm and relaxed. This is important because in the morning he may be in a rush or anxious about getting to school and its a pain to have to get dressed twice so I understand his frustrations about it. I would be very frustrated as well if I would have to get dressed twice in the morning and I am not 10. He is 10 and obviously doesnt know how to deal with his frustrations so he lashed out at you. While its not acceptable to do that it is understandable and should be worked on.

Is he in some sort of therapy? Maybe a sports team or karate would help him with his emotions and also help him learn how to deal with people respectfully even when frustrated. But you can also use some parenting classes as well as therapy to help you understand why this particular child triggers you so much to the point where you want to hit him.

Do you hit him often? Can you bring more examples of what happens when you get frustrated with him and end up hitting him?
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amother




Jetblack
 

Post  Thu, Jan 16 2020, 9:37 am
amother [ Bronze ] wrote:
motions and also help him learn how to deal with people respectfully even when frustrated. But you can also use some parenting classes as well as therapy to help you understand why this particular child triggers you so much to the point where you want to hit him.

It's not a mystery. His behavior is infuriating; the urge to hit him is a direct result of that.
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amother




Lavender
 

Post  Thu, Jan 16 2020, 9:38 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I was really resisting from giving him a potch , just I dont do this style of parenting anymore . Yet I do not wanna let this anymore and make a stop to it very firmly. Im still going to bring it up later in the day, I feel he needs a consequence for talking like this . Its ongoing, I cant let it any longer. I feel like sooo mad @ him right now , his anger is only becoming worse , his chutzpa is becoming worse, can anyone give me an idea how u would respond to this behavior? ?


Good for you for not hitting him. He's old enough to hit back. And I think this is his way of trying to get you to go back to your old ways.

It's possible that he is relating to you in the way you used to relate to him. You mention that you are angry. I would be also.

I'm working hard on changing the way I relate to my 10 yr old. But often when I heard his chutzpah ... It really just sounds like me when I get angry and "discipline" him. He's mirroring me.

Is it possible that you are having a similar experience to what I described above?
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amother




Bronze
 

Post  Thu, Jan 16 2020, 9:46 am
amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:
It's not a mystery. His behavior is infuriating; the urge to hit him is a direct result of that.

So its a learned behavior. He acts infuriating, mom lashes out. Mom acts infuriating (giving him new clothing in the morning that he hasnt tried on yet and doesnt fit so he has to get dressed twice), son lashes out. If mom cant control her emotions, then how do you expect a 10 year old to control his emotions? And there seems to be a pattern here that has been going on for a while which could be resolved through therapy. Family therapy may be helpful along with individual therapy for both the mother and the 10 year old.
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amother




Honeydew
 

Post  Thu, Jan 16 2020, 9:51 am
For chutzpah, you ask the child to rephrase his words. Because the brain needs practice in order to start thinking differently. You want the appropriate talk to be a habit, not the chutzpah. Just don't take it personally. He's a kid, not your friend.

If it is really a nonstop issue, I tell them clearly that chutzpah will not be tolerated and next time will be a punishment of bedtime 10 min early for a week. Trust me they learned quickly.
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amother




Violet
 

Post  Thu, Jan 16 2020, 10:05 am
Undoing behavior takes longer than a few weeks, you seem to be doing great. He will need longer proof than a few weeks of your changed behaviors.
Keep going, slowly he will start trusting you if you stay on track.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jan 16 2020, 12:23 pm
In the past my parenting was more rocky , I used to loose myself often , but I think by now I reached a milstone with the way I handle or deal with dc. I definitely changed my ways of approaching them. But I can say that my old way is probably stored in his brain , I do have a harder time with this particular child , since he is by nature very sensitive and takes things more by heart , and he is the kind of child that wants his way with everything like I cannot make him change his mind, no power over him which is tough , but I did start to take a different approach towards him . Seems like it will take progress from both of us until we reconnect in a better and healthier way.
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mommy201




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jan 16 2020, 12:35 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
In the past my parenting was more rocky , I used to loose myself often , but I think by now I reached a milstone with the way I handle or deal with dc. I definitely changed my ways of approaching them. But I can say that my old way is probably stored in his brain , I do have a harder time with this particular child , since he is by nature very sensitive and takes things more by heart , and he is the kind of child that wants his way with everything like I cannot make him change his mind, no power over him which is tough , but I did start to take a different approach towards him . Seems like it will take progress from both of us until we reconnect in a better and healthier way.


OP you definitely sound like a mom who is trying! Keep it going!
I have a lot to say but too much to post here. PM me if you want to hear.
Hatzlacha!
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jan 16 2020, 12:53 pm
First, Kudos to you for not losing your temper and for being Pro-Active:

Realizing there is a problem and thinking AHEAD of time how to deal with it.

a. You should punish him for chutzpah. I would do no special Mommy Time:
Games, Baking for a week. That is easier to enforce than an earlier bedtime which will just set up another confrontation.

b. After you have re-instated Mommy Time, teach him how to express frustration respectfully. "I am so upset/angry that these pants don't fit and I have to change".

c. As others said, don't give new clothing to try on in the morning.

Hatzlacha! You sound like a great mom.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jan 16 2020, 1:00 pm
What really jumped out at me is how you perceive his behavior.
“He hates me
He labels me
I give him so much and this is what I get”
By chance if you had to describe your childhood or your relationships with other adults, would they bear any resemblance to these descriptions?
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amother




Emerald
 

Post  Thu, Jan 16 2020, 1:04 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I gave my ds 10 this morning something new to dress . It ended up being big so I told him to put on something else and I will return it and exchange for something else. He became so frustrated and angry, "you always buy me too small or to big" a crazy mother, a tzidrieta mother...
I told him calmly that I will exchange it and gave him calmly something else to wear and I just said to him that u never talk like this , especially not to a parent. He answers back that u do talk like this. then I said nothing I ignored . I didn't wanna go into anything before he left to yashiva, but I literally feel lost and chilly with this child. (Im the mother posted on different thread about angry child) I was really resisting from giving him a potch , just I dont do this style of parenting anymore . Yet I do not wanna let this anymore and make a stop to it very firmly. Im still going to bring it up later in the day, I feel he needs a consequence for talking like this . Its ongoing, I cant let it any longer. I feel like sooo mad @ him right now , his anger is only becoming worse , his chutzpa is becoming worse, can anyone give me an idea how u would respond to this behavior? I feel like he hates me as a mother . I feel I give so much from myself to him. I treat him, he is the only one I play the most games with, I always bake with him since I know he loves baking , what else is he or I missing ? I feel like this with his behavior is going to far.
He definitely has sensory issues which gets him annoyed a lot , if anyone knows what can help for sensory problems lemme hear, I feel terrible aggravated from this child , he is giving me a tremendous hard time. I was being very calm before he left my house in the morning but now after he left I just feel soo angry @ him and I just feel like crying . A 10 year old , so chutzpah, doesnt know how to manage his anger , laibels me, I cant tolerate this any longer. Please help me how I can react to him later , I feel he needs to apologize. What do u do when a child calls u CRAZY, TZIDREIT???


My first thought before I even read when he told you that he learned those nasty comments from you, that if a 10 yr old knows the word “tzidreita” he must’ve heard it at home.

It seems like this is the way you speak because he even told you so, so if you’re guilty of speaking the same way and he learned it from you, how can you blame him for copying you? You should explain that you made a mistake when you spoke that way and you’re working on yourself not to do it any more, and that he certainly must do the same, especially with a parent.

We reap what we sow.
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amother




Honeydew
 

Post  Thu, Jan 16 2020, 1:09 pm
.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Jan 16 2020, 1:18 pm
mommy201 wrote:
OP you definitely sound like a mom who is trying! Keep it going!
I have a lot to say but too much to post here. PM me if you want to hear.
Hatzlacha!


I will try to pm u later. Im always open to hear
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Refine




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Jan 16 2020, 1:24 pm
amother [ Emerald ] wrote:
My first thought before I even read when he told you that he learned those nasty comments from you, that if a 10 yr old knows the word “tzidreita” he must’ve heard it at home.

It seems like this is the way you speak because he even told you so, so if you’re guilty of speaking the same way and he learned it from you, how can you blame him for copying you? You should explain that you made a mistake when you spoke that way and you’re working on yourself not to do it any more, and that he certainly must do the same, especially with a parent.

We reap what we sow.


Or he heard someone else use that term and mommy is a tzadeikes for staying dignified in such an environment. We really can't know from the op, so please judge her favorably.

Op, I don't know if this is the "right" thing to do, but when my child goes down such a route, I immediately remove myself from the situtation so it doesn't escalate. As in, I lay the new clothes for the day down and walk out of the room and let my son know he needs to get ready on his own. I cut contact cold turkey until there's a reset in his "mode". Mine is younger, so I can still put him in his room, so I don't know if this can work for you, but he needs to see by your actions not your lectures that certain behavior does not work in a family. All of the discussions have to happen later when he's ready to talk things out and not yell.
I'm not a professional and am only pulling from my experiences. My son is the kind of kid that gets stuck in a rut and I feel that sometimes my presence doesn't give him the space to reassess his behavior.
He does yell bloody murder when I leave the room and I don't accept any screamed promises for change only spoken ones (I do try prompting him). It may take him time to calm down.

Also, I once learned a tip that for a child to move on, they need to go from mad to sad. Their anger is a form of arguing with the reality. They can only compromise once they've accepted their reality. Some children are slower at accepting reality and moving on, which may be helpful when they face adversity when older, but is immature now. I found that it's not helpful to try to pacify those kid of kids at first ,but rather restate the reality. For example, instead of saying "ill exchange it for you" or "I wanted to get you something nice" firmly say over "this doesn't fit you" "very often we need to exchange sizes" "trying on clothes is part of getting new ones" until he seems more sad then mad and then you can pacify him.


Last edited by Refine on Thu, Jan 16 2020, 1:33 pm; edited 1 time in total
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