Would you hire a male babysitter?

Rappel

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 4:40 am

A recent thread about a babysitting dilemma made me think.

Aside from the fact that many teen boys are under-trained in child rearing, I would be fine having one as a babysitter.

As in, I would check they're capable before I leave, but I do that with girls too. I also never take on a babysitter I haven't met before, and who came with references from friends. Only one time did I almost use a babysitter whom I'd never met, and I cancelled my outing at the last minute because I got a weird vibe off of her.

So why would that be different for boys?

amother

Cyan

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 4:43 am

Rappel wrote:

My DS is not yet a teen but if he stays how he is now, please hire him as a babysitter. He loves kids and is really great with them, and it does so much for his self-esteem.

He's also the eldest and has been helping me with his siblings since he was about 3 years old.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 4:49 am

*grabs popcorn*

Ohhh, this is going to be a long thread.

My brother is the biggest mentch you'd ever find. Soft and sweet, and he absolutely adores children. He used to work in an infant and toddler daycare, and the other morahs loved him. The kids all loved him. The vast majority of the moms loved him. Then one day, one of the moms saw him working there and FREAKED OUT. She decided on the spot that she was going to get him fired no matter what it took, even if that meant accusations. When the other morahs found out, they let my brother know, and he quietly quit the job, but he cried for days about it. He was GOOD at his job, he adored the kids, and it hurt him to the bone to know that someone would treat him like that.

On the other hand....

I'm not going to take anything away from all the women here who have had horrible experiences at the hands of men and boys. I do think the odds of getting someone like my brother as a babysitter are in the "next to impossible" range.

As I said in the other thread, I have no idea why Hashem gave men such a strong yetzer, and why sometimes it even gets turned into same zex attraction or attraction to children. I just don't get it. Attraction to grown women is fine, it leads to perpetuation of the species. Why a yetzer to harm children?

I don't have any proven statistics about how many kids get molested by male, frum babysitters. I can't tell anyone that they are being too paranoid or too trusting. There are no guarantees, unless you know this person inside and out, and even then you might be wrong. Crying

Hashem should protect all of our children, keep them healthy, safe, and innocent. We need Moshiach NOW!

Ruchel

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 4:52 am

Frum kids aren't undertrained. I've seen boys handling it all. Lo alenu there are females into teens too. Granted not into younger most of the time. But one can't think like this. In the 20s the thing was to have a medicine student as a sitter - you imagine the male female ratio. Judge each person as a person. Put cams if your culture has it and tell the person.

Aylat

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 6:11 am

Rappel wrote:

So... We're all in agreement? We'd be perfectly fine with a guy who was good with kids to babysit?

So what's going on in that other thread then?

Which thread?

I heard a talk from a woman who runs an organisation to do with abuse and she advises against male babysitters.
Not because most males are abusers, but because most abusers are male.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 6:15 am

Rappel wrote:

So... We're all in agreement? We'd be perfectly fine with a guy who was good with kids to babysit?

So what's going on in that other thread then?

We may be in agreement in this thread, but that doesn't discount the concerns and bad experiences that are in the other thread.

If well respected doctors can molest, and well respected rabbis can molest, and teachers can molest, then it stands to reason that it could be a risk with a yeshiva bochur as well.

Say only one out of 1,000 guys are a problem - do you want that one guy to babysit for you, and have years of therapy bills to undo the damage (if it can even be undone?) Sad

I'm not going to get into the "all men are pigs" drama, but you have to admit that we do have what to worry about. I also know that the other 999 guys are innocent, and are looked at as if they were potential molesters, and that is horrible, too. Like I said before, I don't have any answers.

banana123

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 6:26 am

Aylat wrote:

Which thread?

I heard a talk from a woman who runs an organisation to do with abuse and she advises against male babysitters.
Not because most males are abusers, but because most abusers are male.

The thing is that's not true. It's true that more men than women are s-xually abusive (my unprofessional guesstimate would be 65/35) but more women than men abuse and neglect children overall (Google it).

I don't have an answer, I rarely use a babysitter at all (because of safety concerns) and really have only ever used 2 babysitters that were not already my friends who I trusted.

I think the best thing is to ignore gender and look at the person. Just like you do with a spouse, or when hiring an employee. If the person is not abusive it doesn't matter if they're a man or a woman. If the person is abusive, then it doesn't matter if they're a man or woman (or anything in between) because I don't want abusive people in my life or my kids' lives.

There are never any guarantees but we can do our best to vet and get to know them, and protect our kids and teach them to tell us if something ch"v happens.

Just my ten agorot.

amother

Orange

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 8:00 am

I would never hire any babysitter who I don't know.

My 14 yr old DS loves kids, is very responsible and well trained and babysits frequently in our neighborhood.
When new neighbors hear that I have a post HS DD they immediately ask if she will babysit. She really doesn't enjoy interacting with children and she's not good with kids. I always suggest my DS - some people are uncomfortable, which I understand if they don't know him. It really makes no sense to me that someone would hire my DD whom they have never met. Everyone who knows my DS thinks he's terrific with kids. My DD makes it obvious that she has no patience for small children.

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 8:10 am

My brothers had a male babysitter and he tried to get them to touch each other but my 5 year old brother knew better and said no.

I have let my male cousins babysit but they're normal guys that I know well.

I wouldn't hire a random boy... but then again I wouldn't hire a random girl either. I prefer family (mom sister brother aunt cousin) to watch my kids.

thunderstorm

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 8:12 am

My son was recently asked to babysit in the city where his yeshiva is. He did it with another friend. I was quite surprised, honestly. It was done as a chesed and not for pay. But he really doesn’t enjoy the babysitting idea. He does babysit for me and is very overprotective of everyone and responsible . But he doesn’t have that maternal instinct that I feel girls have. I was a babysitter my whole teen life and I had a certain intuition and instinct that my boys don’t have , as lovely and loving as they are. They will be great fathers. But babysitting is at the bottom of their list.

Rappel

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 8:49 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Your argument is dependent on statistics, which don't apply in this case.

To put it in other words: if I had to randomly pick one babysitter out of a thousand faceless men, or one babysitter out of a thousand faceless women, then which would I pick?

The answer is neither.

Because I do not set strangers to babysit my children. I choose friends, children of friends, children of neighbors. It's not a large community, and I both know everyone involved before I pick a babysitter, and I will continue to have a relationship with that family (ie - accountability) afterward.

So yes, to the best of my ability, I know if someone is a safe guardian of my children, and that is the person I use.

amother

Yellow

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 8:50 am

Yes. And I have. I have all boys, and I would hope that they would be able to get babysitting jobs when they're teens if they want them. When my kids were little, we used the brother of my best friend (until he went away to college). Growing up, my favorite babysitter was a boy from the local high school (bt, so no one was thinking about yichud). He actually also became bt and we live in the same community today and our kids are friends. Use your common sense when hiring a babysitter. Someone you well, who you've seen interact with your kids etc. Knee jerk reactions based on gender is not common sense.

Rappel

Mon, Jan 20 2020, 8:53 am

banana123 wrote:

And you said it better than I.

Not on the level of abuse of course, but I think neglect is a factor to check for when vetting a sitter. I don't want my sitter on her phone texting the entire time she's here either.