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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 7:48 am
Gentle parenting worked for all my children except child with adhd. Never potch or yell at others except dc with adhd. He drives me over the edge and no amount of gentle parenting works. I'm wondering if others can relate.
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amother




Saddlebrown
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 7:51 am
Opposite for me! Never needed gentle parenting until I had a “differently wired kid”. When I potched him he laughed in my face or said “more”, if I raised my voice he’d raise his louder... so now I’m trying a gentler approach and it’s hard but works better
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ra_mom




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 9:07 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Gentle parenting worked for all my children except child with adhd. Never potch or yell at others except dc with adhd. He drives me over the edge and no amount of gentle parenting works. I'm wondering if others can relate.

He is triggering you some way and you aren't able to be gentle with him like the others. It sounds like it would be good to go for a few sessions of help to figure out what is triggering you, work through that part of your history, and simultaneously, work on the connection between the two of you in real time.
It's all about the connection. And if things aren't going well, then that is what should be worked on.
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amother




Saddlebrown
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 9:09 am
ra_mom wrote:
He is triggering you some way and you aren't able to be gentle with him like the others. It sounds like it would be good to go for a few sessions of help to figure out what is triggering you, work through that part of your history, and simultaneously, work on the connection between the two of you in real time.
It's all about the connection. And if things aren't going well, then that is what should be worked on.

Brilliant post
This child of mine triggers deep feelings inside of me. I’m starting inner work now- I really need it
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SHS




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 9:13 am
very true! I also have to look away at alot of things my son with ADHD does because being strict just achieves the opposite - he behaves even worse!!

I learned that usually the things which bother you the most about this child is somehow connected to you, so I am trying to work on myself now and will let you know how it works
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amother




Saddlebrown
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 9:15 am
SHS wrote:
very true! I also have to look away at alot of things my son with ADHD does because being strict just achieves the opposite - he behaves even worse!!

I learned that usually the things which bother you the most about this child is somehow connected to you, so I am trying to work on myself now and will let you know how it works

Good luck on both our journeys! I think it
Shows courage!
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amother




Blonde
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 9:34 am
When my child acts out & is crazy & out of bounds ( might have adhd but never diagnosed him) sitting him on my lap or on dh , holding him & hugging him, helps him calm down & regulate his emotions. Then we can try to talk.

Other option is I send him to self soothe, to sit & relax with his blanket ( usually goes together with his thumb in his mouth)

Most of the time he just needs to go to the bathroom & doesn't. He denies that he needs when I send him. Sometimes when he was acting crazy & didn't want to go on his own, I literally had to force him into the bathroom & then he just calmed down. When he was younger I would just tell him that I will catch it first, if he refused going. That usually worked with him catching it first, until he got older & smarter & told me we had another one.

He is 7.
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amother




Lilac
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 9:40 am
Both are true- adhd kids need more positivity and also more structure. It can be hard to find the right balance.

A lot of it can be sensory seeking behaviors. And physical needs not met, which can overlap a lot.
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amother




Orange
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 9:42 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Gentle parenting worked for all my children except child with adhd. Never potch or yell at others except dc with adhd. He drives me over the edge and no amount of gentle parenting works. I'm wondering if others can relate.


I don’t know this parenting method however I can relate to no parenting working for an adhd oppositional defiant child. This child (now an adult) would not listen at home, school etc. medication did work until he hit teens & would throw it out instead of taking. If left for even 2 minutes alone he would invariably hit or endanger his siblings. He was thrown out of camps, suspended from school, thrown out of multiple yeshivos.
We visited every child psychologist, psychiatrist etc etc. even did bio feedback.
Our other children suffered, we suffered.
Until someone has lived with a child like that they cannot stand in judgement of us parents who have a child like this & yet will loose it & potch. Sometimes the potch was to literally save another child. Sometimes because we are human & nothing else is working.
It’s human to be at the end of your rope don’t let anyone guilt you because you sometimes loose it.
Just do the best you can.
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amother




Papaya
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 9:48 am
I've done courses on "gentle parenting" even by Blimie. It's nice but not what worked for all my children. Best parenting advice I got was from my children's OTs, the Guttmann sisters. Every step of the way they explained how to communicate with them based on their brain capacity AT THAT TIME. It was so effective and worked because I was communicating with them in the way they needed individually. And now -it's years later and they are teenagers. They are so much more motivated, responsible and socially appropriate than my older ones. I think you have parent based on what your child needs and not look at one way as THE way. Just my take.
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amother




Chartreuse
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 10:02 am
ra_mom wrote:
He is triggering you some way and you aren't able to be gentle with him like the others. It sounds like it would be good to go for a few sessions of help to figure out what is triggering you, work through that part of your history, and simultaneously, work on the connection between the two of you in real time.
It's all about the connection. And if things aren't going well, then that is what should be worked on.


I see this mentioned a lot & would love to understand this better. What do you mean what is ‘triggering’ the parent? When my child acts out in uncontrollable manners because he is mad about his brother winning a game or anything else he is destructive. He will ruin the game his brother is playing. Or run off with the game. If we are enjoying music, he will shut it. He will turn someone’s food upside down. Basically he invites chaos and has everyone bawling bec of him. I have tried gentle parenting & being empathetic but he takes advantage of that and feels the ‘right’ to continue on his rampage cuz he’s really sad, mad, angry, frustrated etc... if I sit near him and hug him he will get even angrier and push me away or make me promise him something if I want him to calm down. Yes. I’m triggered by these episodes. I feel sad and helpless sometimes, especially if he goes around hurting others or if I need to sit near him and empathize while the others that were hurt are Upset too.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 10:27 am
Dd has adhd and she responds the best to being parented gently (I don’t ascribe to the official philosophy). She used to have daily meltdowns but hasn’t had any in almost a year. I hardly ever even have to correct her behavior. She’s mature, responsible, and eager to please.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 11:33 am
amother [ Orange ] wrote:
I don’t know this parenting method however I can relate to no parenting working for an adhd oppositional defiant child. This child (now an adult) would not listen at home, school etc. medication did work until he hit teens & would throw it out instead of taking. If left for even 2 minutes alone he would invariably hit or endanger his siblings. He was thrown out of camps, suspended from school, thrown out of multiple yeshivos.
We visited every child psychologist, psychiatrist etc etc. even did bio feedback.
Our other children suffered, we suffered.
Until someone has lived with a child like that they cannot stand in judgement of us parents who have a child like this & yet will loose it & potch. Sometimes the potch was to literally save another child. Sometimes because we are human & nothing else is working.
It’s human to be at the end of your rope don’t let anyone guilt you because you sometimes loose it.
Just do the best you can.


Did the potch work (stop the behavior)?
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amother




Violet
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 11:37 am
Nothing "works" with ADHD. That's what ADHD is. All a parent can do is teach a child what is expected of him. Kids with ADHD barely control their own behavior, so no matter what technique the parents use, the kids are simply not able to control themselves and behave the way you want them to.
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Lizzie4




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 12:31 pm
I find that with my son, humor works a lot. He usually laughs and then listens. He's little still but this helps. What also helps is physically moving him to the next activity when he gets hyper or spacey.

"_____, the toilet is wondering why you haven't made in it in a while"
"Your dinner is sitting and crying by the table. Eat me! Eat me, eat me ___!"
"Can you be a worker man and stack all the magna tiles in the box? Lets see how many numbers you can count while you do it!"
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lilies




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 3:54 pm
amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:
I see this mentioned a lot & would love to understand this better. What do you mean what is ‘triggering’ the parent? When my child acts out in uncontrollable manners because he is mad about his brother winning a game or anything else he is destructive. He will ruin the game his brother is playing. Or run off with the game. If we are enjoying music, he will shut it. He will turn someone’s food upside down. Basically he invites chaos and has everyone bawling bec of him. I have tried gentle parenting & being empathetic but he takes advantage of that and feels the ‘right’ to continue on his rampage cuz he’s really sad, mad, angry, frustrated etc... if I sit near him and hug him he will get even angrier and push me away or make me promise him something if I want him to calm down. Yes. I’m triggered by these episodes. I feel sad and helpless sometimes, especially if he goes around hurting others or if I need to sit near him and empathize while the others that were hurt are Upset too.


You feeling sad and helpless is the triggered response.
Once you work through whatever it is that is making you feel sad and helpless you won't be 'triggered'.
All that means is you'll be able to approach the same situation with more objectivity. Not that you'll get any smarter Smile
What does happen is - because you are not being triggered you will be able to keep your cool. Overall, that usually ends up in you feeling confident and in control after an episode, instead of crying helpless in bed.
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amother




Orange
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 4:19 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
Did the potch work (stop the behavior)?

Yes, it stopped whatever dangerous act he was doing.
Long term? No, nothing else did either.
I do think that we were & are dealing with a personality disorder (as well as adhd) & I was living in denial thinking he will outgrow his issues. All specialists were always focused on adhd but in hindsight they overlooked the elephant in the room.
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lilies




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 4:33 pm
amother [ Orange ] wrote:
Yes, it stopped whatever dangerous act he was doing.
Long term? No, nothing else did either.
I do think that we were & are dealing with a personality disorder (as well as adhd) & I was living in denial thinking he will outgrow his issues. All specialists were always focused on adhd but in hindsight they overlooked the elephant in the room.


What made you think it's a personality disorder?
Please share.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 5:06 pm
amother [ Orange ] wrote:
Yes, it stopped whatever dangerous act he was doing.
Long term? No, nothing else did either.
I do think that we were & are dealing with a personality disorder (as well as adhd) & I was living in denial thinking he will outgrow his issues. All specialists were always focused on adhd but in hindsight they overlooked the elephant in the room.

Most of the time personality disorders are the result of trauma
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amother




Orange
 

Post  Wed, Jan 22 2020, 5:08 pm
lilies wrote:
What made you think it's a personality disorder?
Please share.


Hereditary component once another close family member was finally diagnosed
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