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Help me deal with my not handling this
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 8:43 am
I brought this up in the past but I feel to bring it up again to hear nice advice or how to deal with something I cannot handel. I know it may sound strange to bring it up here and not let go of it , but its still very hard for me . Please I would appreciate if I can get some smart, nice advice, how to relate or come across or accept this the way it is . I did try to accept but im just not handling it.

I have bh a boys family. My boys where short payes , my dh behind his ears .( Yea it was brought up a few times and im still looking for the right answers)
I have this 1 10 year old that wants his payes long . For a very long time I just said nothing. I decided I will have to just make peace that he likes it this way and he is happy. Now it came to a point his payes really grew longer , and this already came to a point that IM NOT HANDLING IT. Its way long . Teally time to chop it a bit. And this kid is just sooo stubborn about it . He is not being convinced in any way to let me cut it . I told him that im just cutting off the end to make it neat . It really looks messy . Im feeling my width end. Number 1 what bothers me is that he doesnt take my words , if he is so strong about this, what will be with other things later on in life if he cant give in. I gave him in to let him go longer then everyone else in the house . Now it grew in soo much, its time he should hear me out and let me tri. It a bit. He doesnt want. And it annoys me terribly the way it is . It really bothers me that he is not listening to me. How would u go about this if its your kids in this situation? Im not talking to the moms here that dont care and their kids were very long payes just because I dont feel they would understand. But for the moms that get me . How would u deal with this ?? Its getting to me why he cant take my words and why cant he wear it the way my family does, its hard to have this 1 kid look different then everyone else in the house . He claims "some" of his classmates were that way but I tell him everyone wears the way the family is brought up or way family goes , nothing helped so far , talking is a waste . Im very very bothered and annoyed by this . Help me deal with it right before im loosing myself !!!
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amother




Emerald
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 8:48 am
I know it might be hard for you to handle it, but if you are going to try to control him it will not end well.

If people make comments, just say "This is how he likes it".

The more we try and control our kids, the worse it is down the line, when they try your patience in other areas.

The best thing for him and you is for you to let this one go. Eventually he'll ask you for a haircut.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 8:49 am
My main point is not that he looks different then anyone else , its also that I cannot handle messyness . Id rather he wear it much shorter, but im not going yobforce him he has to wear short payes. Its just so overgrown by now and thats why its getting more to me why he is still stubborn about this. I dont know how long he will wanna let it grow in .
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amother




Natural
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 8:51 am
I'm not chassidish and my dh doesn't have peyus behind his ears, my boys have small peyus behind their ears.
If he feels an attachment closer to Hashem or good about himself with long peyus or maybe he feels like cool or fits in with friends with the long peyus just try to respect, better him so to speak rebel against u in this manner of growing it to long than c"v chopping it all off.
When kids want to be more than us we should be so happy and supportive. For wtvr reason it is he likes it , it makes him happy just try to accept it support it and love him for not feeling he just has to copy what u do he wants to do extra
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thriver




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 8:52 am
This might just be his way of “rebelling.”

We grew up in a baalabatish community and my mother wanted my brothers to go to college. She had a very hard time when my brothers wanted to stay in learning. But I think when you consider the alternative ways kids can rebel and go against their parents’ way of life, you can feel very grateful...

May you have much nachas from all of your children.
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Stars




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 8:53 am
Oh my goodness. You're not getting this. You are ruining your relationship with your child over messy hair.
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amother




Emerald
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 8:55 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My main point is not that he looks different then anyone else , its also that I cannot handle messyness . Id rather he wear it much shorter, but im not going yobforce him he has to wear short payes. Its just so overgrown by now and thats why its getting more to me why he is still stubborn about this. I dont know how long he will wanna let it grow in .


All he's begging you for is control in this one area. He wants to feel you love him, flying, messy Payes and all.
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oneofakind




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 8:58 am
You're right. He may or may not listen to you in the future but if you fight over little things, you for sure will lose over the big things.
Some kids need to do their "own thing" or need to feel they fit in-even though not everybody in his class does this.
You need to ask yourself, do you think it means you are a bad mother if your kid looks messy?
Be happy he doesn't want to put on a colored yarmulke and grow a "tchup"-not that I think there is anything wrong with that but that would be totally unacceptable in your community.
Sometimes you have to close your eyes. Would he let you put some mouse on it if it makes it neater?
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Madam F.




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 9:03 am
You can tell him that if he wants to wear it long he has to keep it neat. Thats not too much to ask. At least if he wont cut it he shouldn't look like a mess.
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amother




Scarlet
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 9:04 am
My son doesn't let me cut his peyos since it grew back after it fell out due to chemo treatments. His bro is following him.
We curl it with gel & pin it up short with a bobby pin & later we stretch down to face that way it doesn't appear long & is neat.
When its not done, and it too long that's when it looks messy.
Hatzlacha! Enjoy your tzaddikl!
It's ok if boys up the frumkeit, later when they are married and go down a step, they don't go too low, because they are starting from a step higher.
Otoh, if you are going to fight him on his frumkeit, he might throw everything off chas vsholom & then you would wish if only....the fighting was about peyos too long.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 9:09 am
I do hear u all and you all have good points. I just needed to hear . Id rather come up here and sound a bit strange, because I was embarrassed first to come up and bring back this topic, but decided I will ask rather here and feel good after some good advice then have to loose my anger @ him wich I really do wanna control. I have time now to be upset and leave my anger while he is not here so by the time he comes home I will have it all together, and be able to take a calmer approach to this . Right now I feel disgusted but I did hear all your responses , and they are good points . Thanks for the chizik and the nice responses. Im still open to hear more . Keep'em coming . Im Just curious how the majority would deal with this.
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avrahamama




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 9:14 am
Maybe you can teach him how to take care of long payot. And ask him to make sure that for Shabbat, simchas, and when he is with his family that his payot look clean and neat. Ask him to start his day looking Seder and nikayon and if it comes undone during school and he comes home messy let it go.

But don't try to push him to trim it. And using the argument that he has to look like everyone else won't be a great message either.
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amother




Teal
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 9:15 am
This might sound weird but Is there someone you know with long payos that can guide him in propper grooming? SO he can keep them long and still look neat?
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thriver




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 9:15 am
amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:
My son doesn't let me cut his peyos since it grew back after it fell out due to chemo treatments. .


Love this! As someone who has gone through chemo, I really appreciate this! Definitely puts life into perspective and helps you remember what really matters in life. Thanks for sharing. IyH your son should enjoy many years of health and happiness ad meah v’esrim! Have much nachas from your boys.

Hope this helps OP gain perspective as well.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 9:29 am
amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:
My son doesn't let me cut his peyos since it grew back after it fell out due to chemo treatments. His bro is following him.
We curl it with gel & pin it up short with a bobby pin & later we stretch down to face that way it doesn't appear long & is neat.
When its not done, and it too long that's when it looks messy.
Hatzlacha! Enjoy your tzaddikl!
It's ok if boys up the frumkeit, later when they are married and go down a step, they don't go too low, because they are starting from a step higher.
Otoh, if you are going to fight him on his frumkeit, he might throw everything off chas vsholom & then you would wish if only....the fighting was about peyos too long.


Oy sorry u had a son going through chemo.

Yes it does make me think differently right now. its hard for me to have to accept that my son wants different way then I would like, but I guess I shouldn't look @ it like its the worst thing ... about the curling up thing , my ds has a slightly sensory issues and thats also a problem he wouldnt let me do it for him . He definitely does make it . Its just that it wouldn't hold through the day . He does try to keep his payes together. Its just long and long is harder to look put together. But I think I will have to control myself and rather not talk again about it, and just wait out to see if he is going to keep liking it . Maybe if I dont talk or bring it up for a long time, he'll rather change his mind then me pushing him. It is hard for me but I guess there's something new for me to learn from this kind of experience.
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amother




Red
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 9:52 am
Is your son messy in general or is it only the payos?
My husband's parents tried to control the way he wore his payos as a kid and till today he has resentment about it. Choose your battles wisely!
The way a boy wears his payos is about his identity more than almost anything else. It feels very invalidating to the child when they cannot express the way they want to look. Furthermore, if he has been wearing them long for a while now, to have them cut shorter could be very embarrassing for him .
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amother




Cerise
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 9:53 am
With ASD kids, you never know the motivation. He may like the way they feel when they swing against his face, and isn't willing to give it up. He may like to play with them, and insist they stay soft (no gel.) It might just be too much change for him.

Two pieces of advice. First, find a good rav (if you have one, great) to speak to about any differences that relate to halachah or minhag. They will come up with any kids, but especially an ASD kid who will ahve his own specific reasons for doing or not doing. My son doesn't like to wear his davening jacket because of how it feels. A rav can guide you on how to take the long view to get the result you want. If he has a frum behaviorist or special ed teacher, they can also help with this. This is especially important since it is necessary to pick our battles. You might win this one but lose something like bentshing or sitting still.

Second, there is the very real pain of having yet another difference in your family because of this child. It is hard. Even if one specific thing seems like it hurts more than it should, it is usually because the whole thing is hard. And you don't always want to see the difference in that child every time you look at him, or have others see it when they look at him. It is something to deal with on a personal level. In terms of others, it is sometimes better when others see him and notice he is different, because then they will view other behaviors as part of his difficulties and not see him as "bad" and "not listening."
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Surrendered




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 10:17 am
OP, I will give you my opinion from first hand experience.
I too have a 10 year old son just like yours.
He had long gekrazelta payos, and it was always done neat.
I still didn't like the look, it made me nervous. I kept asking him permission to cut it shorter but he refused. Just like he does with many other things...
At one point, It really bothered me and as much as I knew it was wrong to do, I cut it shorter on my own.
At first he was upset, but then he made shulem with the matzav.
He looks so much cuter, and "Now he actually loves it."
So, yes, usually I would give Into him. It's his life, ya day da...
I believe I'm a good mother, and sometimes I have to do what I feel is right for me. I don't have to let him do whatever he wants and hate his look.
He will get over it. He will need to get over many other things in life.
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amother




Pumpkin
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 10:31 am
I have a son who's autistic and loves keeping his peyos long because it's a sensory thing, and he likes twirling them (stimming). We are MO, literally no one in our community has peyos that long, our other boys don't wear it that long, nor does dh. We get so many comments on it. But you know what? It's just hair. There are enough other things I need to be on top of and make sure my kids do (or don't do) things that are way more important than how long their peyos are. Also, BH that his peyos are too long. Better that than him wanting to wear a purple Mohawk with no peyos 🤷‍♀️
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amother




Babypink
 

Post Mon, Jan 27 2020, 10:43 am
OP I know everyone is telling you to just let it be, and I just wanted to say I can totally hear it bothering you, it would drive me up the wall as well.
Don't know what I'd do though. I'd have a really hard time just letting it go.
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