How to handle abominable report card

amother

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 3:53 pm

I have a kid who is doing lousy in school. Report card is sprinkled with Cs, Ds, and Fs.

She doesn't do homework. She doesn't study. She isn't organized. When I tell her I will sit and help her with her work, it's always, "oops, left it at school."

She's very smart. She is capable of As. She just doesn't care.

The idea of getting a tutor disturbs me. I have paid for many tutors for many kids and will gladly do it again for a kid who is struggling to understand or keep up. But this child understands. She just doesn't try or put any effort.

What can I do as her mother to get her motivated? This is a kid who doesn't take bribes. She isn't going to work hard to earn some little prize. It would have to be major and even then I'm not sure.

Help! Advise!

thunderstorm

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 3:56 pm

Would she work on her homework in order to have a prize where the two of you have a one on one experience together ? Like go on a trip together ? Or do an activity together? Just you and her? For me, that’s how I get my unmotivated son to do homework and schoolwork.

SixOfWands

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:00 pm

What are the consequences of failing grades? Will she be asked to repeat the grade? Go to summer school? Be asked to leave the school?

Find out, and share them with her.

Also, ask her why she doesn't do the work. I suspect that there may be a learning difference, and the not caring is a defense mechanism.

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:05 pm

mfb wrote:

ADHD in a girls version?

I was thinking this, since IME, a lot of otherwise smart, capable girls do miserably in school because of undetected ADHD.

As you said, she's disorganized and unmotivated. Is she somewhat spacey? Is she super motivated and capable in areas of interest outside of school, even academic/intellectual ones?

Also, how old is she?

mha3484

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:08 pm

I start with the mantra that Kids do well when they can. I think not caring is a response to not being able to meet what is expected of her. Telling myself I dont care is a way of protecting herself from feeling like a failure.

A lot of this to me, seems like lagging skills in Executive Functioning. Has she ever had an evaluation? I was very ADHD as a kid and my son who is 9 is also. My mother had me tutored in the areas your DD is struggling with since I did not need help with specific subjects and it helped me so much. She taught me how to study for tests, to keep an assignment book, to be an organized person. I also got some help in school from the school social worker. At the end of the day she would help me go over my assignment notebook, make sure I brought home appropriate homework, that my desk and locker did not look like a disaster. I still use these skills as an adult.

amother

Taupe

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:09 pm

Why not try speaking with the Morahs and having them explain what the consequences are to your daughter. If she's not motivated by reward, she might not be motivated by you giving her consequences either. But if a Morah informs your daughter of what the consequences for missed schoolwork will be, then your daughter will quickly learn consequences come from the outside world too, not only from you, and thus self-responsibility is necessary.

weasley

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:12 pm

mha3484 wrote:

This is so spot on!

amother

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:14 pm

amother [ Cobalt ] wrote:

She's 11. I don't know about the ADD but the H sure fits. She is as hyper and high energy as they come.

She reads nonstop. She loves learning. She asks me to give her research assignments. This is a smart kid who isn't opposed to learning. She just doesn't seem to care about doing well in school.

amother

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:16 pm

mha3484 wrote:

What kind of evaluation? She had a general psycho-educational evaluation (I think that's what it was called - it was required for admission to her school) just over a year ago. No diagnosis of any kind was made.

avrahamama

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:21 pm

Is she doing poorly academically but ok with derech eretz?

It sounds like she needs help keeping track of her things and strategies for remembering things.

I gave my son one 5 subject notebook and a 5 pocket folder so that he doesn't have too many school supplies to keep track of. He has a planner and I've been working all year for him to make a habit of keeping it at his desk all day and jotting important and assignments asap.

He is in 5th grade but has teachers for different subjects. So I know he needs me to help him.

When he forgets an assignment or doesn't get it done in time. I don't write him a note. I have him write a letter to his teacher about why he didn't get it done and what he needs to do. Then I'll sign it and ask the teacher to sign it as well.

We even have a system with his rebbe that if he gets a parent signature on his review sheet it's an automatic 2 points added to his tests. Because no matter how he does. The priority is that he studies.

Help her understand what middah is getting her to do this. For my son it's procrastination and a sense that whatever he wants to do is more important than what the teacher is asking him to do. He admitted this himself.

I'm sure that I could go get him a diagnosis. But ideally I'm looking to slow things down and let him learn to be more deliberate in how he does things. The resources that are available to his school are underwhelming. And wouldn't solve what he needs.

It's possible she just needs very concrete help. Checklists, less supplies to keep track of, etc.

amother

Seafoam

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:22 pm

You need to discuss this with her teacher. Talk to the teacher about how she's doing in school. Discuss your concerns with her and together come up with a plan. Maybe she has a hard time focusing and gets lost and frustrated. Maybe class is too boring for her. You need to talk to the teacher.

amother

Cobalt

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:23 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Sounds like a textbook ADHD case. She's having a lot of trouble with executive functioning, and it is causing her to get extremely frustrated in school. ADHD is characterized by inconsistent attention, which clearly can get you in trouble in school.

Does the hyperactivity/disorganization affect her at home, with friends, and in other settings, or only in school? If it's pervasive, I'd consider going to a neuropsychologist to get a formal diagnosis. If it's only in school, I'd start out with a tutor or coach to teach her executive functioning skills, such as organization, note-taking, studying, and the like. It could work wonders for her confidence, not just for her achievement in school.

banana123

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:25 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

In my experience as a teacher a psychoeducational evaluation searches for learning abilities and disabilities, and those administering the evaluations are not qualified to diagnose ADHD.
Neurologists and psychiatrists, and sometimes psychologists and pediatricians, are qualified to offer a diagnosis. I'd start with asking your pediatrician what she recommends.

But in any case I would ignore the report card and focus on the middot. If she has derech eretz emphasize that, middot are a lot more important than academics. And I agree with the poster who said that kids do well when they can. If she could, she would be getting As and Bs, not Cs and Ds.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:25 pm

mfb wrote:

ADHD in a girls version?

Exactly my thoughts. It does sound consistent with inattentive ADHD (not hyperactive). I had a student like this- she never knew what was for homework (forget about doing it), she never knew what tests she needed to study for, and her studying skills were so weak that even when she did study it wasn't useful, she never had the right supplies for class etc. Basically a huge lack of organization and focus, but intellectually she was smart and really did understand the class lessons if she paid attention. So many teachers would yell at her that she's not motivated, not trying hard enough, that she "should stop with this nonsense." She was always so hurt by these comments and it would break my heart to see her so hurt. She really meant well and wanted to succeed.

Anyway mom finally took her for a neuropsychological evaluation and got an ADHD diagnosis.

amother

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:25 pm

amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:

For sure. I've already requested the meetings.

Zehava

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:26 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She seems gifted😊.
She’s probably under stimulated in school and also doesn’t see the point in working hard for her grades.
Let her be. She will be fine.

amother

Mon, Jan 27 2020, 4:27 pm

amother [ Cobalt ] wrote:

She's disorganized at home too. I can't stand to go in her room. I offered to hire an professional organizer to help her organize her room and she loved the idea. So maybe that's the way to go -- hire an "organizer" for her life, someone who can teach her those skills. Think I will start asking around.