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Vent re making an upsherin
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:23 pm
We don't have a house and we have too much immediate family (literally our siblings and their kids) to fit into any house of a relative that we could possibly borrow. So then we're renting a shul at $350 minimum. And have to take the time slot/day of week where it's supper time.
Once it's in a shul, ppl will come and stay and eat. So now my guest list is up to 100 people who will actually eat (again JUST family that we have to invite. Haven't even invited classmates or our friends)
And then it has to be catered bc it's so much work to cook for that many ppl out of my tiny apt kitchen.
I would love to host a small, intimate and inexpensive party but I don't at all see how to make that work. I also really don't want to spend 1k on this.
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amother




Lemon
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:32 pm
I honestly never in my life heard of inviting friends to an upsherin. Immediate family some do & some don't. If it's getting so irrational why don't you keep it small & simple in your house or mom's house only for bubbies & zaidys. You can throw a party with siblings & friends some other day at your convenience, in a place like Icecream House
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amother




Floralwhite
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:35 pm
I don't see why you need to do that if you don't want it. Just make an after supper/snack and upsherin cake party one night.
Personally I went all out with my son but I WANTED to. Most of my family doesn't and it's ok.
Alternatively if it's when weather is decent do it outside.
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Amelia Bedelia




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:40 pm
Why can't you just have a come and go affair in the morning, with bagels, spreads, salads, and baked goods? You really don't have to feed them much. And the advantage of a morning affair is that many people will be working and won't be able to make it.

I recently hosted an upsherin in my dining room. We had about 16 couples and a bunch of children. I cooked all the food myself and served it buffet style. We had mini pulled beef pizzas, pepper steak, sesame chicken, franks and blanks, meatball skewers, orzo, and potato kugel. We also had a few salads. I specifically made an evening affair because I wanted people to be available.

My sister once asked us women to come earlier with our children to get peckelach and see the upsherin boy, and hosted a party later on that evening for men only. That can also be an option, if it works for you.

Another sister of mine doesn't make a party at all. Just takes her son to her rebbe.


Last edited by Amelia Bedelia on Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:46 pm; edited 2 times in total
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acemom




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:41 pm
Upsherinish is a birthday party for a three year old. Why do you need to invite that many people?

Keep it simple with just a lchaim style affair or pizza party, not full fledged meal. You definitely don't need to make a big shebang if you can't handle it.
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dankbar




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:41 pm
Most people I know just make a breakfast or cake/lchaim for men in morn. They get to snip the hair & they run on their way to go to work.

Some people will do the first cut by a rabbi so whoever wants can come to rabbis house to watch the rabbis doing & just make a lchaim & done.

I know in some places it became a huge to do like full fledged bbq suppers for the entire community


Last edited by dankbar on Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:44 pm; edited 2 times in total
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amother




Amber
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:42 pm
Just make it in your house, however small it is. Have a nice table set up with cookies and soda. Make some pekalach. That's it.
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amother




Indigo
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:42 pm
I have a tiny apartment. I made it "come and go" in the evening. We put out cakes, cookies, chocolates, drinks and pekelach. We told everyone the plan and said they were not obligated to come, definitely not obligated to drive in or bring any presents. Whoever wanted, came. Grandparents stayed the whole time but that's it.

It was beautiful.

We could never afford to do what you're doing, nor would we have wanted to.
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amother




Dodgerblue
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 9:56 pm
Also on the invitation write it’s a dessert reception or whatever so people don’t expect supper
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notshanarishona




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 10:36 pm
You don't have to invite all your siblings and their kids . Invite whoever has kids around 4 year old / birthday boys friends and make a small birthday party. You don't need a house to host 10 people.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 10:44 pm
notshanarishona wrote:
You don't have to invite all your siblings and their kids . Invite whoever has kids around 4 year old / birthday boys friends and make a small birthday party. You don't need a house to host 10 people.


They all have kids around the same age. 10 ppl is not even all of our siblings.
Just the cousins (all little kids) is more than 30
I want all the cousins to come but there's no room for them to run around here. We've done play dates with up to 4 at a time and it's a LOT in this space.
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amother




White
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 10:49 pm
Had a similar dilemma. I really didn’t want to feed a full meal to an extensive group of people for what I felt was a minor simcha. I made it at home, without enough seating for everyone, with “snack” food (small bites) rather than mains. Had some tall tables so people could put their plates down, food was on buffet table. It was beautiful. People come, they say mazal tov, cut hair, have a bite to eat, chat and leave. If you do it at home there is less of an expectation to seat and feed each person.

It took me a long time to come to this as I kept telling myself that I have to invite so many people and people will expect to eat dinner etc - no you don’t. I had to invite all those people, yes. But approach the simcha as you feel is right for your tastes and budget and most of your guests will intuitively understand how much to eat, how long to stay for, etc.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 10:51 pm
amother [ Indigo ] wrote:
I have a tiny apartment. I made it "come and go" in the evening. We put out cakes, cookies, chocolates, drinks and pekelach. We told everyone the plan and said they were not obligated to come, definitely not obligated to drive in or bring any presents. Whoever wanted, came. Grandparents stayed the whole time but that's it.

It was beautiful.

We could never afford to do what you're doing, nor would we have wanted to.


This would be too hectic for all our siblings with little kids Sad like if my sister did that I would skip or just stop in and out (which I know is the point) but I really want all my sons cousins to celebrate with him

Part of the issue is the cost which I'm trying to keep down (dh is like whatever simchos cost money, and he wants to make a nice event where ppl enjoy themselves) and part of it is that I don't want to make an extravagant affair - I want it to seem small and toned down even if it doesn't actually cost that. I want all the kids to run around in the shul but then that comes with the cost of food etc. Decor - even cheap and a little bit, paper goods, tablecloths - it all adds up.

Dh threw a beautiful bris, I also thought it wasn't necessary but he wants to host a nice party. A bris I can swallow a little more than a birthday party!

(also I didn't invite friends, I was just making the point)
(weather won't be nice so no outdoors)
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 10:55 pm
amother [ White ] wrote:
Had a similar dilemma. I really didn’t want to feed a full meal to an extensive group of people for what I felt was a minor simcha. I made it at home, without enough seating for everyone, with “snack” food (small bites) rather than mains. Had some tall tables so people could put their plates down, food was on buffet table. It was beautiful. People come, they say mazal tov, cut hair, have a bite to eat, chat and leave. If you do it at home there is less of an expectation to seat and feed each person.

It took me a long time to come to this as I kept telling myself that I have to invite so many people and people will expect to eat dinner etc - no you don’t. I had to invite all those people, yes. But approach the simcha as you feel is right for your tastes and budget and most of your guests will intuitively understand how much to eat, how long to stay for, etc.


We stopped in at a friend's party like this and dh did not like it. He said if ppl shlep out I want them to be able to sit and enjoy. (also they rented chairs, tables and a waiter so that could easily have cost my price of a shul)

I guess it's a mismatch between us where I realllyyy don't want to be spending money on this and the vision dh has just automatically costs money and there's no way around it.
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tichellady




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 10:55 pm
A catered dinner for 100 people is way over 1k. Just write that it’s dessert and keep it dessert. That will make it much more manageable. You can make your own dessert or buy or some combination
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amother




Aqua
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 11:01 pm
So much of the pressure is what you think people expect from you but you dont need to cave in. For one of my kids I just made a little. birthdaybparty in playgroup. For the other, bagles cream cheese and tuna with some pastries.. on a sunday afternoon.
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asmileaday




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 11:06 pm
The problem here is that you and dh disagree on what type of party to throw.
You titled your op vent so I'll let you do that!

Personally I made 3 upsherins and never served a meal. With my 1st I made a big mistake. Did it at the inlaws because they have a big house and invited all immediate family and kids (just served cake and cookies). Ds was so overwhelmed he refused to cooperate. Giving him his haircut was a nightmare.
Lesson learned.
By upsherin #2 we didn't invite anyone for the haircut. If someone wanted to come afterwards and get a pekek they were more than welcome.
Upsherin #3 we did a small breakfast after cheder firen for parents and inlaws only.

I know that every little simcha today has become a huge deal and fancy affair. I refuse to conform...

Good luck in coming to a compromise with dh.


Last edited by asmileaday on Mon, Feb 10 2020, 11:56 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother




White
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 11:27 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
We stopped in at a friend's party like this and dh did not like it. He said if ppl shlep out I want them to be able to sit and enjoy. (also they rented chairs, tables and a waiter so that could easily have cost my price of a shul)

I guess it's a mismatch between us where I realllyyy don't want to be spending money on this and the vision dh has just automatically costs money and there's no way around it.


Yes I hear that. For me it wasn’t about costs as much as it was about an event that felt personal to me and my tastes - I spent money on decor, food, etc, but kept it fitting to a mingling kind of event. If your husband is insisting on a more sit-down style thing, you may have to spend the money to do what that takes..:/
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amother




Aqua
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 11:43 pm
asmileaday wrote:
The problem here is that you and dh disagree on what type of party to throw.

I know that every little simcha today has become a huge deal and fancy affair. I refuse to confirm...

Good luck in coming to a compromise with dh.

This.
The thing about upsherins is that there is a huge range here. Unlike at a wedding where there are expected norms, even if you do a no frills affair, you are still spending thousands of dollars. You need to have a meal and some type of shmorgasboard...an upsherin is the type of simcha that has no norm. You can do nothing, or you can have a whole catered affair with music and a balloon man etc.
If you and dh can come to an agreement, it would be totally fine to do a very basic party for two hundred dollars. Your real problem is that dh has a different vision than you.
A friend of mine recently made an upsherin. Her husband wanted to keep it simple, keep costs down, do it in the house etc. She couldnt brong herself to do it simple. She felt her family would expect a meal etc. In the end they did in the shul, and it was attended by at least 150 people (family and community) with a full spread (sushi bowls, pizza, salads and tons of homemade baked goods, fancy cakes etc. )
She was very stressed for weeks before, and I kept telling her that she is putting the pressure on herself and she has no obligation to feed 150 people supper.
(When I got to her party, I realized that in fact, all these people DID expect to be fed supper. Because this is what she did for her first few sons, so they came to expect it. She kind of has a reputation for throwing a big party.
But OP realize that really so much of the pressure is usually the expectation we think others have but in reality we put it on ourselves.
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HeartyAppetite




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Feb 10 2020, 11:52 pm
I know lots of people that make it only for men, or only for the grandparents. You don’t have to invite your entire family, especially if your house is small.
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