Gotta love these idealistic young couples...

amother

Slateblue

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 10:41 pm

Just wanted to point out to all the imamothers out there, that pay loads of tuitions , when iy'h their children will get married they will pay less tuition and therefore will be able to help their married children that same amount!! (Obviously unless it's needed elsewhere... but that's a choice to make!)

amother

Silver

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 10:47 pm

Everything thinks that they are "normal", whatever that means.

We are a couple living in Israel. A friend of my husband (from a wealthy family) once told my husband that 'it's so nice that when couples come here, there is no such thing as "rich" or "poor" because we are all using our parents credit cards anyway.'

We are not getting supported and working really hard to manage on our own. At the time, we were making $1700/month and living in a one-bedroom apt that cost $1,000. It was interesting to see the contrast between us and other couples. One friend of my husband told him that because he was so "thrifty", he managed to save from what he was given monthly, so he and his wife can go to FL when they get back to the US.

amother

Aqua

Sat, Feb 15 2020, 10:55 pm

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

Sure, once ALL the kids are married off. But when the first few get married? Say you have 2 daughters who marry within a year of each other. So now you are up to 4k a month in "helping out"...while you are still running a household and raising younger children. Don't forget, these are presumably teenagers. So their tuition is probably doubled. For sure, yeshiva tuition.

And what about retirement? Paying off debt incurred while said tuition took precedence. Etc.
Oy. I will assume the rose colored posts here are from people who are nowhere near this stage in life.

PinkFridge

Sun, Feb 16 2020, 5:19 am

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

And they'll be making chasunas.
And helping their single children somewhat even if the kids get student loans.
They may want to start a retirement fund.
They may be helping their aging parents.
NO ONE SHOULD PRESUME THAT MIDDLE AGED PEOPLE WITH ALL THEIR KIDS OUT OF SCHOOL CAN OR SHOULD SUPPORT.
That said, if it can be done, and the children aren't entitled but keeping it real with all the help, gezunteheit, I think it's beautiful.

amother

Honeydew

Sun, Feb 16 2020, 5:37 am

Since this seems to be a standard thing not just for the super-rich, can someone who is currently paying support post some numbers? Like what the family income is and the percentage that goes to support.

amother

Sienna

Sun, Feb 16 2020, 5:42 am

My parents are wealthy and give $1,000. A month, commitment is for as long as they’re able, and all other extras are at their discretion, however they’re feeling that day, no rules. So sometimes they’ll buy clothing, shoes, furniture, depends on their mood. But they don’t feel like they “owe” us anything. They are very generous but we know we can’t rely on help beyond the monthly amount.
(I think I plan to do the same, if I can afford it. The other side, the kollel, the girls job, savings, can supplement the rest. 1,000 is often enough to cover a decent amount if you are frugal. )

amother

Floralwhite

Sun, Feb 16 2020, 6:00 am

amother [ Aqua ] wrote:

Let’s not forget the exorbitant chaussana costs that the parents need to recover from that are extra that year.

amother

Wine

Sun, Feb 16 2020, 6:34 am

I don't think its the girls fault she is spoiled, she is a product of her parents and the culture. How should she buy maternity clothes exactly if she never had a job or savings and got married right away and moved? There are few if any jobs, realistically, in Israel for American girls and especially when newly pregnant. I blame the parents for submitting her into a system like this, and if they wanted it then yes they should pay. Because the system doesnt make sense a 19-20 year old with no college degree living in Israel WILL be dependent on her parents. for those who say to use her wedding money perhaps her parents told her to save it towards a house. many people do not touch their wedding money as life only costs more and its hard to save after one has kids

amother

Mauve

Sun, Feb 16 2020, 7:07 am

Are there any old threads that talk about the point of view of the couples who are getting support ? I'd love to hear their perspective and how they justify taking from their parent espc when parent are not well off. And espc when they are one of the older ones and parents are still supporting a housefull of young kids. I'm sure it's been discussed here?
Can anyone post some links?

Also let's say a couple feel entitled to 5 or 10 years of support. They don't bother working or putting away savings during this time because they are being supported. In the meantime they gave birth to 5 or 6 kids.
I am so so curious - if the father is in learning and relies on his parents and in laws to support him then what is his plan for his own kids? ..if he has a 10 year old girl then in 8 or 9 years he will have to be supporting himself and also his first daughter. How do young couples plan on doing that?

amother

Vermilion

Sun, Feb 16 2020, 7:10 am

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

In the scenario you're describing, the word "plan" is unnecessary. People acting as you describe aren't planning - or thinking - of anything. They are just doing what they feel like in the moment. As does most of humanity.

amother

Rose

Sun, Feb 16 2020, 7:14 am

One thing I really don't understand is this trend of couples moving to Israel. The ladies sit and do nothing all day and the men are either in kollel learning or sitting in kollel klutzing. If the couple wishes to live in Israel, they should start off in the US and work to save up some money towards their goal. To just go as newlyweds without a plan and expecting parents support is just irresponsible.

amother

Green

Sun, Feb 16 2020, 7:17 am

Man this sounds nice.
We’re a Kollel couple, 1 kid. My parents aren’t offering us any money monthly. I work hard to have what to live on. Yes , when I was pregnant my mother and grandmother offered to take me shopping for maternity clothes and split the cost. Yes, my in laws bought us a very nice stroller as a baby gift, and grandparents bought us the high chair and crib (different sets of grandparents ) and my parents bought baby her first few months of clothing. But this was all as gifts, none of it was expected, and we don’t get anything on a monthly basis. When we move in for yontif we contribute to the food costs because it’s the nice thing to do. We’re treated like independent adults and act like independent adults.
I’ve gotten under $1,000 in gifts from my parent since getting married, and that’s ok. It’s not about what you’re getting, but about what you expect as a given.

banana123

Sun, Feb 16 2020, 7:17 am

amother [ Rose ] wrote:

Would you say the same if they planned to stay in Israel long-term?

amother

Azure

Sun, Feb 16 2020, 7:19 am

My mother bought me my maternity clothes when I got pregnant for the first time. I took it as a very generous gift I had no idea (till now) that that this is a thing done in some communities (I'm chassidish)

naturalmom5

Sun, Feb 16 2020, 7:33 am

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

I also wonder about this? how do they support more than one kid and still pay for their own household?
On top of that how do kids knowingly take from their parents 2 k a month when they know they are not well off? What is the rationale behind it? How do they justify it ? If you take 2k a month from struggling parents how do you sleep at night knowing that your parents are worrying about their own food on their table? but mostly I wonder how the parents pay for it if you have 6 or 7 or 8 kids.

also does anyone have the original letter?

Guess what.? I have a chidush for everyone. The kesuva says its the HUSBANDS responsibility to support the family. I believe the Gemorah says in Kiddushin first get a trade then get married.

Its the HUSBANDS responsibility. NOT the wife NOT her parents NOT his parents. It never ceases to amaze me how we're so into traditional gender roles EXCEPT for the mans traditional gender role. And parents of girls are blackmailed into accepting this arrangement because theyre afraid that their daughter wont get married otherwise.

Its downright shameful and disgusting.