Do I MUST tell DH about a bonus?

amother

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 10:15 am

I got an unexpected 2K bonus at work.

I knoooww that the correct, responsible and honest thing to do would be to tell DH about it......but. Sad

He is going to insist that we put it into savings. We are saving up for a down payment on a house and every penny counts. But I really, really don't want to use this unexpected money for that.

I would love to put it in a separate account to be used as discretionary spending. It would be so much fun to be able to buy myself a $8 milkshake without thinking, to get a manicure without thinking, to buy him a nice sweater without thinking, to splurge on some meat for our anniversary without thinking etc.

I know that I am probably being irresponsible, not thinking about the future, it probably should go to savings, but it would be so nice to have some money of my own that I can spend at my leisure! I'm also not the type to blow money easily, so this money would probably last me a good two years if I use it as discretionary spending.

Would it be wrong to just not tell him about it? Ready for the tomatoes........

Chayalle

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 10:20 am

I think the issue here is, both of you should have a say in how money is spent. You need to have a conversation about this where both of you are taken into account.

You should be able to spend some of that money on discretionary purchases, and some of it should probably go to savings.

You are a team now, and you should work out how money is spent together.

amother

Blonde

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 10:20 am

I would definitely tell him. I would suggest that you take a percentage and use it as spending money and put the rest in savings. Basically compromise. I would be hurt if my dh got a bonus and just didnt' tell me so he could use it to splurge. I rather know about it Wink

amother

Maroon

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 10:20 am

I believe every woman must have access to her own money that DH is unaware of. It's called a knippel and every smart woman has one in case of emergency. If DH doesn't expect you to get a bonus and remains completely unaware, I'd probably put it away. I wouldn't spend it on $8 milkshakes; just keep it as separate savings.

groovy1224

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 10:20 am

You earned it, you should have a say in how this money is used. I'm not super comfortable with the idea of hiding the money from dh, but maybe the 2 of you can agree to put away half and use the other half for extras?

Saving for the future is nice and important, but you also need to live your life.

jmom1

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 10:21 am

I hear where you’re coming from but $2000 for just discretionary money seems like a lot. Can you be open and honest with your husband, tell him about the bonus and ask for $200 as discretionary or $500 whatever you decide together? Then you have control over that money but the majority of it goes towards very worthwhile savings.
I think how you go about this depends a lot on your relationship with your husband. If it’s a good relationship we can hear each other out I think it’s best if you decide on this together

amother

Beige

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 10:23 am

My grandmother slips me $100 every Chanukah and Purim, and I use it for needs like that. I don't keep it in my wallet, or connected to an account where I can easily swipe a card, I literally keep it between my socks. I barely use it, but have used it for
$60 spa
$60 cleaning lady one time, where I took credit for getting the house so clean
probably some milkshakes, or extra lunches with a friend, etc.

I don't think the idea of having a petty cash fund for extras that you don't have to account for is that bad.

My husband does know of mine, because my grandmother slips him $100 too...he has used his for surprise steakhouse dinners, but lately just puts it in his wallet towards bills.

If you can, I would maybe tell him you got a bonus but not the specific amount, and discuss with him how to spend some and spend some how you would want to. After all, it is your bonus.

amother

Blonde

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 10:23 am

maroon- I disagree. I think it's a good idea for a woman (particularly stay at home) should have her own account but I have no problem with my husband being aware of it and he has no problem with me have having one. In a healthy marriage it doesnt' need to be a secret. Of course not all marriages are healthy but we should at least know what is and what isn't.

Chayalle

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 10:24 am

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

I don't really understand this.....I don't think this is necessary in a healthy marriage.

amother

Olive

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 10:25 am

OP, I'm in a similar situation where we're saving towards a down payment and there is no extra money. However, literally in my budget is $50 a month towards exactly what you are describing. Sometimes I want an iced coffee and a muffin or a new CD or whatever, and if I can never buy anything extra, I feel deprived and resentful.
Financially speaking, you're better off putting the $2000 towards your down payment (I'm assuming it's an investment that earns interest, but if I'm wrong disregard this) and then actually deciding on a monthly budget for extras. But if that won't work, maybe split it half and half and keep $1,000 in your 'extras' fund.
Ideally, if you could talk to your DH and explain this to him, that would obviously be the best. If you think he'll listen at all and understand. If not, I don't know what to tell you. You might regret keeping a secret in the long run.

amother

Cyan

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 10:27 am

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

Every smart woman?

I have an account only in my name. Why would it need to be a secret?

Sounds like you are referring to a situation where a Dh would have access to all of Dw's money if he knew where it was. That not 2020.

amother

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 10:28 am

I could definitely discuss it with my DH; we bh have a great marriage.

But he's different than me when it comes to these things. He thinks that if there is something you want to get and you feel its a valid need, and we have the money for it, then go ahead and get it, as long as you are being reasonable and not blowing money.
He doesn't believe in so-called "bonus" money.
He doesn't understand the concept that I would feel guilty buying myself an expensive coffee with our "regular" money, but would be happy to buy it with "bonus" money.
He would be like, if you're aren't buying expensive coffees every day, then what's the issue? You're allowed a treat once in a while. Probably he would just buy it for me. Maybe that's how all men are?

amother

Emerald

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 10:39 am

Interesting thread, just the opposite of the other thread where the dh didnt tell the wife.

I agree with your dh that everything even small amounts, especially a bonus, should be saved for a down payment because everything adds up.

However, I'm wondering how badly you want to buy a house because every small amount adds up. And, since you are working, and you and dh have different goals, you and dh should discuss it.

It seems you are implying that your dh will want all that money for savings which is why you dont want to tell him, but I think it is a form of dishonesty to hide it. I think you should tell him I got a bonus and took some money for my discretionary fund, here is the rest for down payment fund. At the end of the day, the ketuba does say it is the man's job to provide parnassa, so you are helping " him and do deserve to spend some on yourself.

amother

Ginger

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 10:47 am

Off topic. I am just so curious where you are from? What is your mother tongue? I keep hearing 'do must' on this forum - is it a Yiddish thing?

Op, you can't use both 'do' and 'must'. You could say, Must I tell DH? Or, Should I tell DH?

Anyway, it really depends on a lot of factors. How would you feel if he hid such a bonus from you? Do you both work? Is it a huge amount of money for you, or peanuts?

I think I would probably just tell him about it, and let him know that I am taking half for my own discretionary income. As long as you are ok with him doing the same.

And I would put the other half toward the house. You will appreciate it when you own your own house!

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 10:52 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I know men like that, if it makes you feel better Wink

small bean

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 11:03 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm with your husband here. And just go buy yourself the drink.