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Tween/teen girls, puberty, and grooming
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 7:59 pm
Please help me help my daughter who is getting closer to puberty. I didn't have a good experience and I want better for her. Please help me fill in the blanks missing from my childhood?
I noticed she needs more than undershirts at this point but shes only 10 and slim. I thought it's a bit early but I bought her camis with built in bras and she says they are so uncomfortable. I want to be open and matteroffact with her about it all, not be dead embarrassed like I was. Whenever my mother mentioned anything about me growing up I wanted to hide and run away. So I told my daughter we can try different kinds and I'll buy training bras and see if she likes them better.
I've taught her about how her body will change and why/when she will need a bra. I explained to her also about how babies are conceived and how they are born.
I'm not sure how to get to the next step with her. Do I wait till she's older to explain about periods? How and when do I start addressing hair removal? What do mothers teach their daughters? Pads vs tampons? Shaving vs waxing? Is facial waxing standard?
How old do girls start wearing makeup and how do they buy the right products? My mother literally handed me a drugstore lipstick when I turned 16 and said here this will look good on you. I feel like I'm missing so much of what's normal, please help my daughter not be like me. Smile
I'm in town so I need in town standards. And when do girls start wearing nude pantyhose instead of tights?
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amother




Lime
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 8:08 pm
I'm not in that stage of life yet with that age children, so I'll let other people answer most of your questions, but I will say that if she is 10 and needs some sort of bra, she could get her period any day. So once you get the tips as to what to say, do it soon just in case.
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Hashem_Yaazor




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 8:12 pm
Period discussion, in my mind, precedes conception discussion. That should happen sooner rather than later.

Nude tights look around Pesach time and see what her friends are wearing.

Can't help you much with the rest, I live oot with likely different standards.
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amother




Pink
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 8:14 pm
Are you in Lakewood?
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amother




Pearl
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 8:30 pm
By me, period is step 1.
Deoderant is when I feel that she needs it. Either hair coming in, or I notice that she's sweaty.
Shaving hair in covered areas is when she started complaining, which is pretty much when the hair started coming in. So far, she hasn't wanted to act on it, but every now and then she'll bring it up and she gets a bit more education.
Trainer bra is as soon as I notice a need for it. I got them in Gap online (returnable, free shipping).
When they're all in, a professional fit is in order.
I'm from circles where makeup is only in highschool for siblings weddings, and after highschool we'll play it bey her preferences. She may decide daily or only weddings. Either way, she'll get her hands-on education after highschool (though it does sound like you're in different circles, so don't listen to me on this.)
Facial waxing is when she asks for it. I don't think it'll be before 8th grade or highschool, but she doesn't have a lot of facial hair. If she would, I would feel differently.
In general, my approach is to discuss things as they come up, in a casual way. I don't do formal education Wink
You also have to see how comfortable your DD is with you on these topics, but from what you wrote, it sounds like she is.
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mom2mysouls




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 8:34 pm
Is she developing? If yes, start with the sports bra.

You can tell her about periods already, esp if you told her about conception.

Nude tights depends on where you live and what school she is in.

Makeup when she starts asking for it. If she doesnt need, why ruin her young skin with makeup? My daughter wore (medicated) coverup by age 12, but she had pimples that bothered her.

IMHO drugstore makeup is as good as the expensive ones. As long as you choose the right colors, type, texture, etc...
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amother




Mint
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 8:36 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Please help me help my daughter who is getting closer to puberty. I didn't have a good experience and I want better for her. Please help me fill in the blanks missing from my childhood?
I noticed she needs more than undershirts at this point but shes only 10 and slim. I thought it's a bit early but I bought her camis with built in bras and she says they are so uncomfortable. I want to be open and matteroffact with her about it all, not be dead embarrassed like I was. Whenever my mother mentioned anything about me growing up I wanted to hide and run away. So I told my daughter we can try different kinds and I'll buy training bras and see if she likes them better.
I've taught her about how her body will change and why/when she will need a bra. I explained to her also about how babies are conceived and how they are born.
I'm not sure how to get to the next step with her. Do I wait till she's older to explain about periods? How and when do I start addressing hair removal? What do mothers teach their daughters? Pads vs tampons? Shaving vs waxing? Is facial waxing standard?
How old do girls start wearing makeup and how do they buy the right products? My mother literally handed me a drugstore lipstick when I turned 16 and said here this will look good on you. I feel like I'm missing so much of what's normal, please help my daughter not be like me. Smile
I'm in town so I need in town standards. And when do girls start wearing nude pantyhose instead of tights?

You didn't explain why you didn't have a good experience. Sounds like your mom tried breaking you in but for some reason you were embarrased by it, (which by the way, I think is quite normal).
You can tell when a girl needs to start wearing a bra. You might be best off taking her to a place where they can fit her, and that way she will get one that is comfortable. They may recommend a comfortable sports bra. When a girl needs one, it is def more comfortable than uncomfortable.
Conception is not necessary for now. Talk to her about getting a period now. There's a book written about the changing body, called The wonder of becoming you. Written by a frum woman. I gave it to both my dds. It explains everything they need to know. I told my dds to come discuss with me when she is done reading it if she has any questions. (One of my dds did, the other didnt)
I never discussed hair removal with my dd. They asked me if they can get waxings, and I said yes. Maybe my girls are just savvy, but they knew about makeup and hair removal on their own, or maybe from friends.
If your dd is hairy, its good to get eyebrow waxing. For legs, shaving or waxing.
Pads, not tampons. I never wore a tampon until after I got married. Maybe things are different today.
I don't see anything wrong with drugstore lipstick. I buy it for myself. Where do you get your makeup?
But for my dds, the first time I took them to a makeup artist who gave them a "tutorial" on how to put on makeup and gave them the right colors. If you are good at ityourself, maybe you can teach your dd yourself. I'm not very feminine or into wearing makeup (my girls are much more feminine than me) so I left it to the professional.
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amother




Mint
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 8:40 pm
Oh, I forgot the most important thing.
Daily showers and deodorant!
Its important for kids to be well groomed.
If she has acne, buy her some basic soaps/products so she can cleanse her skin.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 8:47 pm
Ok so she has breast buds. Sports bra is better than a training bra? Maybe I should try both and see what she prefers.
I read that the first period comes a year or two after breasts start developing. I thought I had more time. It's also not the most exciting news to tell a little girl.
I told her about conception already because she was learning the different halachos of which relatives one cannot be intimate with. And since she had no idea what she was talking about, I explained it to her.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 8:56 pm
amother [ Mint ] wrote:
Oh, I forgot the most important thing.
Daily showers and deodorant!
Its important for kids to be well groomed.
If she has acne, buy her some basic soaps/products so she can cleanse her skin.

This is the easy part for me. Smile
I'm purposely trying to avoid blaming my mother, I know it's not her fault that I didn't want to grow up. But she also waited for me to come and ask her for shavers, pads, etc., and I was too embarrased so I had to get my own supplies. This is why I don't want to wait till my daughter asks me. I am buying her the book and we'll read it together because I want to discuss it all with her in an easy, matter of fact manner.
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amother




Pink
 

Post  Tue, Feb 18 2020, 8:57 pm
My pediatrician told me that we can expect a period about a year after under arm hair comes in.
So it’s not really about breasts starting to develop or pubic hair...
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essie14




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Feb 19 2020, 12:28 am
When you have the period talk, show her different kinds of pads and explain that it will take time until she figures out what is most comfortable for her. Also teach her to wrap her pads in the wrapper before she disposes of them. I would save the tampon talk until after she actually starts getting her period. But please don't neglect that. I started using tampons as a teenager and it changed my whole attitude about periods.

Hair removal - you can explain that some women choose to wax/shave but it's not required. Whatever she is comfortable with. I never needed eyebrow or upper lip waxing but I wanted to shave my legs when I was about 14.

Make up - it seems very specific to different circles. IMO teens should start with light lip gloss and maybe some mascara and light cover up if needed. I wouldn't giver her a full face makeover til 12th grade.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Feb 19 2020, 1:12 am
OP, if your daughter is 10 she may already know all about her period, from friends. I told my daughter about a period when she was 9. Girls are getting them earlier and earlier.
Also, I dont know if all schools do this, but my daughter's school, she is now in 6th grade, has a whole program where someone comes in to the school to talk to the girls about development etc. Maybe see if such a program exists as well.
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amother




Pewter
 

Post  Wed, Feb 19 2020, 5:14 am
My dd is tall. Started wearing training bras at 9. Just got her period at 10.
I gave her the book few mos b4 she got her period she read it and we discussed it
I agree with being open
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amother




Brunette
 

Post  Wed, Feb 19 2020, 9:09 am
I definitely agree with the poster above who said not to neglect mentioning tampons. I feel like so many frum people are hesitant to suggest that idea for single girls but there is nothing wrong with it and it’s very unlikely that it would break the hymen. Additionally it can make periods MUCH more manageable and comfortable. I also think it has the added benefit of girls becoming more comfortable and aware with their anatomy so that when they are a kallah they are not completely clueless and hopefully less nervous about bedikahs etc.
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amother




Azure
 

Post  Wed, Feb 19 2020, 9:15 am
amother [ Brunette ] wrote:
I definitely agree with the poster above who said not to neglect mentioning tampons. I feel like so many frum people are hesitant to suggest that idea for single girls but there is nothing wrong with it and it’s very unlikely that it would break the hymen. Additionally it can make periods MUCH more manageable and comfortable. I also think it has the added benefit of girls becoming more comfortable and aware with their anatomy so that when they are a kallah they are not completely clueless and hopefully less nervous about bedikahs etc.


Applause This! My mother only bought pads, and when I had moved out, that's what I continued to do until after I got married. Once I started using them, it made period management so much better, and I regretted not starting sooner. Even if the hymen did break, it wouldn't be noticeable (to the girl) as she's bleeding anyway, and will make life as a kallah a bit simpler (I think). It also allows for participating in more activities (swimming) which wouldn't be as simple with soaked pads.
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amother




Pink
 

Post  Wed, Feb 19 2020, 9:29 am
I’m in my 40’s and still can’t figure out how to properly use tampons Can't Believe It
Tried a few times and it was so uncomfortable 🥵
Can’t exactly recommend it to my daughters but I’ll have no problem if they want to use it
(I have boys first.. oldest dd is 12 and still didn’t get her period)
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amother




Pink
 

Post  Wed, Feb 19 2020, 9:32 am
Btw- op, I also tried the undershirts with shelf bra and my daughter said it was so uncomfortable!
We got a training sports bra and she said it’s much better.
If you live in Lakewood go to Tafi- they will fit your daughter and give her the right size.
Or there’s amazon.,,
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amother




Black
 

Post  Wed, Feb 19 2020, 9:32 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Ok so she has breast buds. Sports bra is better than a training bra? Maybe I should try both and see what she prefers.
I read that the first period comes a year or two after breasts start developing. I thought I had more time. It's also not the most exciting news to tell a little girl.
I told her about conception already because she was learning the different halachos of which relatives one cannot be intimate with. And since she had no idea what she was talking about, I explained it to her.

I didn’t read past this post yet but I want to recommend a book (I’m not affiliated with the author in any way btw) it’s called
“The Wonder of Becoming You”
By Dr. Miriam Grossman.
Very thin, easy to read for 10-11 yr olds.
I didn’t have it at the time, my mother told me in very general terms and I was petrified of the whole thing.
I actually saw this book by a friend when I was around 15 yrs old and loved it and promptly asked her to borrow it for my younger sister.
I can’t tell you how grateful she was when she finished reading it.
At first she was like what’s this book I don’t need to learn who I am... I’m good.
But I begged her to take it and just read it and OMG she said afterwards that it was the best thing ever.
(She actually got her period pretty early before my mother managed to educate her, and knew what to do only from the book, but that’s a side point).
Her experience was much more happy, healthy and more relaxed than mine.
She felt no embarrassment or shame, no uncomfortableness, just a happy healthy attitude that thank Gd she’s healthy and her body is working properly.
I actually bought this book on Amazon for my own girls.
I don’t think it’s INSTEAD of talking to your daughter but I think it’s great to first give them this book to read and then talk to them about how they liked it/ do they have any thoughts about it/ when should we schedule a trip to the pharmacy to get feminine products etc.
It helps the conversation be a nice anxiety free and bonding experience.
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amother




Azure
 

Post  Wed, Feb 19 2020, 10:16 am
amother [ Pink ] wrote:
I’m in my 40’s and still can’t figure out how to properly use tampons Can't Believe It
Tried a few times and it was so uncomfortable 🥵
Can’t exactly recommend it to my daughters but I’ll have no problem if they want to use it
(I have boys first.. oldest dd is 12 and still didn’t get her period)


I'm not quite in the same boat, but my first days are usually so heavy, I change them so frequently. Not sure if this is normal, but they seem to "slip out" when I'm in the bathroom (maybe because they're saturated?). But even though I often do feel them inside, and it's not very comfortable for me, I much prefer it over sitting in pads. And I find I'm less likely to leak...
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