Wedding or hachnassas sefer torah WWYD

amother

Mon, Feb 24 2020, 5:14 pm

A close friend's child is getting married. mazel tov! here is the issue...
My parents did not ask me if I was available to travel the 10 hours total(to and from)their town before they set the date for a hachnasas sefer torah in memory of their parents(my grandparents). They booked the shul and caterer and sent out the invitations and then said- oh by the way the date is XXX for the hachnasah. Do you mind speaking?

Guess what - the date is the same day as the wedding. Now what?

I told them- I wish they had spoken to me, but I can't make it.My Mom later asked me if I was disappointed- I did not want my parents to have an argument and I said- everyone has to do what works best for them.

My parents often just do things with out thinking about the other people around them- not in a bad way- just super self focused and unaware of thinking about things outside of their daled amos.

I was there when they started to write the sefer Torah. My kids are able to be there as they live in the same town and I will write up something for one of the kids to say.

Why am I feeling so guilty....

amother

Jade

Mon, Feb 24 2020, 5:39 pm

Hugs, difficult situation. I was hoping you could make both, but not when they're so far apart. Not sure what you're looking for. Your OP sounds like your mind is made up, but your subject is WWYD. If your question is WWYD, personally I would go to my family's Hachnasas Sefer Torah, to honor my grandparents and parents and be there with the family.

It's a shame that you have to choose and your parents absolutely shouldn't have scheduled it without checking with you, but now that they did, that's the one I would choose to attend. That's all assuming you're really asking WWYD. If not, feel free to ignore and just accept my sympathy that you find yourself in this predicament through no fault of your own.

amother

Brown

Mon, Feb 24 2020, 5:40 pm

When my parents made a hachnasos sefer torah, they didn't ask everyone if the date is good. I don't think it's a wrong thing to do, once you start asking, there'll always be a date that's not good for someone.
I wouldn't miss a hachnasos sefer torah. I love love hachnasos sefer torah, it's a beautiful simcha that doesn't happen frequently. I think you need to be there for your parents rather then for your friend.

amother

Cerulean

Mon, Feb 24 2020, 5:56 pm

I would do the hachnosas Sefer Torah
It’s a big thing to give kavod to a Torah
That’s besides for kibbud av v’aim.
If it was a sibling of your dh getting married I’d understand your debating more, but a friend?
I’m sure she'll understand......
If my friend came to my simcha and id know she’s missing her parents’ hachnosas sefer Torah id think it’s dunno... a little weird.

amother

Mon, Feb 24 2020, 6:03 pm

One more thing I did not add- the start time is 2 hours before I could even make it. Another thing my parents did not think about when they picked the date and time. I have to take a bus and can't go motzei shabbos. I would get there in time for the meal...

amother

Brown

Mon, Feb 24 2020, 6:09 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It seems like your mind is made up and you don't want to go. You asked WWYD, it doesn't look like what we would do would change your mind.

amother

Mon, Feb 24 2020, 6:13 pm

amother [ Brown ] wrote:

It seems like your mind is made up and you don't want to go. You asked WWYD, it doesn't look like what we would do would change your mind.

I am curious what other people would do? Nothing is set in stone.

amother

Purple

Mon, Feb 24 2020, 6:27 pm

I would also go to the hachnasas Sefer Torah. I would explain the situation to my friend and expect that she would understand.

I also agree that your parents don't need to (and shouldn't) ask everyone which day would be best because there won't be a day that works perfectly for everyone.

amother

Cerulean

Mon, Feb 24 2020, 6:34 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I am curious what other people would do? Nothing is set in stone.

I’d sleep over or make arrangements to be there for ksivas osiyos or at the very least for the parade escorting the Torah to the shul.
It’s real kavod Hatorah.

amother

Mon, Feb 24 2020, 6:47 pm

amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:

I’d sleep over or make arrangements to be there for ksivas osiyos or at the very least for the parade escorting the Torah to the shul.
It’s real kavod Hatorah.

I can't sleep over.

Maybe I rephrase the question- if you could only make it for the meal. Would you still travel.
I feeling so guilty about this.. I should probabaly listen to my gut....

amother

Mon, Feb 24 2020, 8:30 pm

amother [ Brown ] wrote:

It's possible to go for shabbos and stay over?

Can't go for shabbos either, unless I took off from work on friday, took ds out of school and left dh for shabbos. Dh cant make either event.
The last motzai shabbos bus leaves when it is still shabbos.
Just looking at busses, the earliest bus available has me getting to the hachnassah at 1:30.
The schefule has the writing and dancing from 11:30 until 1 and meal at 1.
Am I crazy for even trying to do this. The latest bus back that puts me back at home leaves at 5:30 and I would be home at 11pm.

The getting home isnt the problem, its the getting there once the hachnassah is done.Does it make logical sense to do this?

amother

Azure

Mon, Feb 24 2020, 8:39 pm

Your parents simcha definitely more important than your friends simcha
You can go to a sheva bruchos
Sounds like you don’t really want to go so your looking for excuses and validation

amother

Salmon

Mon, Feb 24 2020, 8:55 pm

No one can tell you what to do, we can just share what we would do in this situation. We don't know the intimate details of your family dynamic and your relationship with your friend making a wedding, we can only base it off what we read in your posts.
Personally, if my parents were making a Hachnasas Sefer Torah in memory of my grandparents, I would do everything in my power to be there. I would leave for Shabbos, take the day off of work, make the arrangements and be there to celebrate the moment.

mig100

Mon, Feb 24 2020, 9:22 pm

amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:

I agree.

amother

Cyan

Mon, Feb 24 2020, 9:26 pm

Well said salmon.
Personally I wouldn’t miss my parents hachnosas Sefer Torah event for nothing in the world.
But only you can decide if this event is important to you personally.

Even getting there after the event is showing your parents that this special occasion is important to you.
Most people are not zoche to write a Sefer Torah, this must be such an incredible simcha for your parents.

familyfirst

Mon, Feb 24 2020, 9:27 pm

Go for shabbos
If you have to take your child out of school for a day or two then do so

Can’t wrap my head around the question- this sounds like the kind of family event that people fly in long distance...
Good luck!!

yersp

Mon, Feb 24 2020, 10:05 pm

OP, since you asked I will tell you what I would do: imagine the hachnasis sefer torah is your parents marrying off another child. Would you miss your sibling's wedding over a friend marrying off a child? I would go first to the hachnasis sefer torah and when that's finished or I leave a little early and go to the friend's wedding and whenever I arrive, I arrive. Your friend will understand and in fact appreciate the effort you made to come to her simcha to begin with when you were celebrating a close family member's simcha.