Is happy results possible?

amother

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 12:08 am

I wanna switch my boys to a different school, and im really nervous how they will accept the change since they are really happy where they are. Its just for some technical reasons we made up to switch them . How did your kids accept the change? Those who werent happy the beginning did they get used to the change after a while? Im petrified that I shouldnt ruin my children by swhitching them but thats really our plan right now , yet We didn't confronted them yet . Any feedback on this would be greatly helpful to me.

amother

Ivory

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 1:01 am

I can't see myself switching my kids school for a technical reason. Switching schools can be quite traumatic for a child, even if they don't express it to you that way. I'd switch a child if they were not able to get needed services in the current school, if we had a MASSIVE disagreement on hashkafa/chinuch that was ongoing and greatly effecting my child, if I felt that the school had given up on trying to help a struggling child. For a technical issue, I'd do everything in my power to work it out, even if that meant swallowing something that was hard for me, before turning a child's life upside down.

amother

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 1:25 am

So with my 10 year old is my biggest concern, he values his cheider very much so with him I didnt make up my decision yet 100% , then I have a 5 year old that started new this year and loves it and loves his friends, im just thinking that now when he is still very young I can still have the opportunity to switch him . We wanted to start him off in the first place in that other cheider but we had to settle financially , now we realized that we are ending up paying similar amount since their cheider went up with price , so we feel we can work it out . I like more the other cheider , yet my kids are thrilled but im not very happy with the system their and its not something that my kids would pick up why im not happy.
So am I being selfish or unfair if I wanna switch them for my benefit? I feel like in years from now they'll forget about the old place and ITOH I feel it might ruin them or make them resentful or accore other problems . I really wanna do the swhich but I dont wanna make them miserable either.
Hard decision

amother

Olive

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 2:54 am

I teach in a boys school. Switching to a new school is very risky. Unless your sons are unhappy, or the environment they're in is legitimately bad for them or hashkafikally you feel that where they are is bad for them, I would not switch. If it works out, great. But the downside of a boy who never finds his place in school is not a chance I would take.

Last edited by amother on Sun, Mar 01 2020, 3:25 am; edited 1 time in total

FranticFrummie

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 6:47 am

If your kids are happy in school, you should be thrilled to pieces! Many parents would kill to be in your shoes. Please don't mess with them, you could ruin everything.

You need to realize that your children are individuals, and they are not YOU. If you have a problem, get to a therapist or talk it over with a trusted rebbetzin.

The most important thing you can do as a mother, is get over yourself.

Signed, the mother of a child who struggled in school all her life. I eventually had to send her back to her home country to finish high school, and I miss her so much. She's finally working hard and getting good grades. She has nice friends, and she's finally happy. It breaks my heart that I had to let her go, but it was the only correct thing to do. Parenting is not about what I want from her, it's about what I can give to her, even if it breaks my heart into a million pieces. Keeping her close to me would be the worst kind of selfishness.

Thank Hashem your kids are happy, and let that be the end of it.

amother

Lilac

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 7:42 am

Do NOT switch schools if there is not an emergency situation.

I say this as someone with kids who are already adults (and some still teens). With my older kids, I made the mistake of switching schools whenever there was an issue. It was NEVER a good idea. In retrospect, kids need stability, they need the same friends around and the same location, and switching schools usually does a lot more harm than good.

With my younger kids, I encouraged them to stay at the same school no matter what, and I did not go looking for trouble myself. Even if their classmates were not my dream classmates, even if the hashkafa turned out to be a bit different than I wanted, even if the teachers in the competing school were supposedly better. We stuck it out, and my kids were much happier in the long term.

Of course, there are exceptions. Chronic bullying would be one of them. But in general, I strongly, STRONGLY advise against changing schools, unless it is a transition grade where lots of kids are switching anyway (where I live, that would be before grade 1, before grade 7, and before grade 9. But that varies by country).

Your five yr old is still a baby, and hasn't even begun grade one, so if you have a great reason, you could switch his school. But I would not even consider changing the older kid's school for a 'technical' reason, and if the younger one is happy, why not keep them both in the same school? It's so much easier for you, and cozier/more secure for them.

amother

Oak

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 7:46 am

Kind of sad that in the secular world switching is a great opportunity for kids to meet new friends but frum kids seem to be so exclusive or the schools such a risk that it is not regarded positively. Kids often change for preschool, school, and high school but middle school and other grades are fine too. Especially with private schools.

amother

Lilac

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 7:51 am

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

I don't see that secular kids switch more than frum kids. And I grew up secular, and live among secular people now.

Secular people, like anyone, tend to think long and hard about the cost-benefit of switching a kid from one school to another. They usually don't switch just 'to meet new friends'.

(Again, transition grades are different; changing direction for high school is OK in my opinion, especially if it comes from the kid).

amother

Plum

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 7:57 am

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

Where did you hear that it's a good opportunity for new friends in the secular world? It's very much a source of extreme anxiety for many families that move. I grew up with one foot in each world. Kids are really the same wherever you go when it comes to social hierarchy.

There are even countless books and movies and TV programs that deal with the new kid in town and what it's like.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 8:00 am

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

I grew up secular, and went to public schools. We were always at the mercy of where the district lines were drawn, and you needed a DARN good reason to go to another district. It was a huge fight to switch schools.

On the other hand, politicians were playing with district lines all the time, depending on where their voters were. Mad

We all got bounced around a lot. If anyone grew up in California in the aftermath of Prop 13, you know what I'm talking about. It was pure chaos.

When my high school closed down after my freshman year (budget cuts) all of my friends and I got split up among different districts. It was devastating. I had just met some awesome people and had really good friends, and then we just didn't see each other anymore. Too far away, too much homework, needing to watch siblings after school, we just couldn't hang out like we did at lunchtime.

Everyone hated it, everyone complained. There was an air of mourning for everyone who had to suddenly go to a different school. It was really tough.

amother

Lilac

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 8:03 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm revisiting this post because I feel so strongly about it. Your kids are really happy. You are taking a HUGE risk. Many, many, many kids are not happy at school. You should be elated your kids are happy where they are, and do everything you can to maintain it. Do NOT take your kids' happiness at school for granted.

It's not a risk worth taking to save 20 minutes commute or a $1000 tuition (I'm just conjecturing what kind of technical reasons there could possibly be).

amother

Oak

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 8:04 am

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

Every secular person I know closely went to a different private school for high school and loved it. They also said that it was normal.

I also have a friend who is a BT who went to Buckley and Viewpoint in CA and she said there was no such thing as cliques, everyone respected and loved each other, and students were taught to seek out kids who are new or having a hard time adjusting to make them feel comfortable. And a list of other things that put shame on our frum schools. The reason I mentioned the schools is because Kim Kardashian went to one and Donald Trumps daughter to another so it's not like some tiny unheard of place.

amother

Lavender

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 8:09 am

I switched my kids this year. my older one was 9 and my younger one was 5. I agonized over the decision all summer and my kids were well aware that I was seriously considering it but needed them to be on board.

I arranged playdates with kids in the new school especially for my older kid. I would have her have a playdate with girl a and request that girl a invite over a third girl so that my daughter could get to know more kids.

Only once my daughter told me she was fine with me deciding either way and I agonized some more Wink

did I switch them.

Both my girls had been having some social issues the previous year so it wasn't like everything was amaaaaazing but they were learning well and there was a specific reason to be weary of switching my younger daughter ( new school only had 1 girl in her class with a lot of boys) and yet she is still soooo much happier. Both girls are happy I switched them. She had a playdate with that one girl before we switched and everyone told me that they felt that this girl in particular was a very good idea for a friend for my daughter. B"H it worked. We live in a small community though, things might be different in a bigger community.

amother

Lilac

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 8:11 am

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

Every secular person I know intimately went to a different private school for high school and loved it. They also said that it was normal.

I also have a friend who is a BT who went to Buckley and Viewpoint in CA and she said there was no such thing as cliques, everyone respected and loved each other, and students were taught to seek out kids who are new or having a hard time adjusting to make them feel comfortable. And a list of other things that put shame on our frum schools

I went to secular schools all my life. Yes, for high school we all split up according to different interests. We chose where we wanted to go and we were happy there (whoever wasn't, switched later). This is a totally different situation from FF's, where a functioning high school was closed, and teens who had already bonded were randomly scattered around the city.

Teens choosing their own high school is healthy and as long as they have a say in where they go, there is a good chance of success.

(As for there being no cliques, that was not my experience in secular high school. I guess it varies by community. In our secular hs, there were cliques, but there were thousands, so you could find your own 'type'. It wasn't like a typical in-town frum school where you have to conform to one main type if you want to be accepted).)

In any case, all this is off topic, since the op didn't ask if her teen could choose a different high school. We are talking about a 10 year old whose parents arbitrarily want to move him REGARDLESS of what he wants. Totally different.

amother

Oak

Sun, Mar 01 2020, 8:14 am

I wouldn't change a 10 year old, even if he was unhappy, unless there was something significant at play. I wouldn't think twice about changing a 5 year old though, unless it means the 10 yr old will need to as well. I know someone who changed in high school and the previous principal said the girls should pretend she is cherim... Horrible but BH no one took it seriously and she was happy.

Last edited by amother on Tue, Feb 08 2022, 11:29 am; edited 1 time in total