My parents traumatized me... then I met my inlaws!

ora_43

Fri, Apr 24 2020, 3:53 am

I also agree that what OP's saying about trauma makes sense.

There's "it doesn't make sense to spend money on a new winter coat when you have one that's in good condition,"

and then there's, "a new coat??? We can't afford that!!"

Kids don't naturally understand money and budgeting (heck, plenty of adults still don't get it), so a kid who always hears "we can't afford it" might (naturally) get very anxious about money.

Much much healthier IMHO to give the kid a sense of how budgets work, and to explain that if we spend money on new coats each year/ new backpacks/ whatever, we won't have money for games/ vacations/whatever - but that the family isn't on the verge of homelessness (where relevant).

amother

Jetblack

Fri, Apr 24 2020, 7:55 am

We had very little money but according to my mother, “ we have everything we need “. Never any money for camp, vacations, new clothes... even a slice of pizza. If we were out in a hot summer day and I would get thirsty I would beg my mother for a drink... she would say that the small drink bottles are a waste of money.. for the same price we have a big bottle at home and as soon as we get home I can have a drink.
It was hard simply not fitting in. Classmates would come to school with new things (no uniforms back then)and I never had anything new. Not clothing, school bag, shoes... even a haircut!
It was hard not ever doing anything extra curricular with friends because my parents didn’t want to pay for it. It was hard not having snack like everyone else because ready made snacks was way too expensive according to my mother. Sometimes I would bring 2 cookies in a bag from the package at home but never a snack bag or drink.
It takes a toll. Even though we technically weren’t starving and bills got paid, there wasn’t an extra penny after that. No new games or toys, no hair accessories, never a trip to the ice cream store....you get the picture I’m sure.
I spend too much on my kids now. Perhaps society changed and expectations are higher than when I grew up... but I don’t want them to feel different because I didn’t buy them something. I buy them expensive school shoes and shabbos shoes twice a year, in style weekday and shabbos clothing, a new briefcase and school supplies, hair accessories, they go to camp, have good snacks, join Sunday clubs etc... I guess I’m giving them the childhood I wished I had.
So yes, there is a certain amount of trauma when kids grow up feeling different.
To this day, it’s ingrained in me to be careful. Recently I was looking to buy a new phone. I found a refurbished phone for half the price and wanted to buy it just for the sake of saving money. In a long run that wouldn’t have been a wise investment but the need to save and not spend is something very strong. I am probably careful with all my spending aside for certain things for my kids since I don’t want them to suffer like I did.

amother

Bronze

Fri, Apr 24 2020, 9:02 am

Either way it’s not healthy. I know someone who grew up so deprived she never had anything new, never had even a toy. She married someone who eventually made it and her shopping habits now Surprised

If there’s a pair of shoes she likes she’ll buy 10 of them at $500 each.
I do understand her, though. She feels like she needs to makeup for the time she lost as a kid and she needs to feel like she has money and it’s hers to spend.

amother

Orchid

Fri, Apr 24 2020, 9:23 am

I am responsible and live well within my means, but I am happy to spend money when it makes my life more pleasant or less stressful. For example, I would rather spend $5 more per week to buy the cereal I like best, as opposed to a cereal that is just OK. Or buy a $25 hardcover if I really want to read a book now, instead of waiting 9 months for the $12 paperback to come out. I prefer to err on the side of overbooking childcare if we don't know our needs in advance, instead of underbooking and then being stressed out. DH is the total opposite and sometimes I just have to put my foot down.

amother

Pearl

Fri, Apr 24 2020, 9:37 am

this thread bothers me . as parents we need to make financial decision that go with our financial status, our ability to save, our morals and decisions we , as a couple deem important.
Children are not always privy to additional expenses, outstanding loans or old student loans still being paid.
I find it very easy to blame parents for "financial trauma"

even if your parents couldn't put more than bread on their table, who are you to judge

amother

Gray

Fri, Apr 24 2020, 10:19 am

amother [ Ruby ] wrote:

Ok,
if you grew up in a home like OP then you would understand where the trauma and dysfunction come in. I grew up in a home where it was a huge deal every time the school asked for $5 for a school project. I was always the last one to bring it in and I was made to feel that I shouldn't even have asked. I never got new clothes and was embarrassed to go on school shabbos because I had clothing that did not fit me properly as people grow (not just in height) and fashions change. I do not think every kid needs new things all the time BUT I do think it is important to let your kids fit in. I even slipped my parents cash anonymously a few times over my childhood thinking they were poor. Our house was always cold and if anyone said anything my mother would say to put on a sweater. Saving is great! but it needs to be done with a slight moderation for your kids feelings. While they gave and still give us a lot of $, I know I would have rathered have a normal childhood and less support money. Even at their stage now, they won't fly to see their out of town children because they are saving for retirement...aka not living now. I don't think they need/should spend extravagently but if you save for the future and never live now I think you lost focus.

this!it's great to save. but you can't deprive the kids all allong. My sister had savings plansfor all her kids wedding. Good idea but they didn't have money to just live. She was always under stress and always talking about the lack of money. Sorry make a cheaper wedding but let your kids live securely knowing that their basics should be met. She did not do fancy weddings btw... if you do save for weddings or retirement make sure to also live normally the rest of your lives.

Learning

Fri, Apr 24 2020, 10:22 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

So dh and I have bh always been able to cover our bills plus some luxuries like cleaning help etc. We are young - married almost 7 years and we bh own our home for a few years already.. corona has hit us hard and its triggering dysfunction from my very much non dysfunctional childhood. Lol. Lemme explain best I could - there was this undercurrent my entire life that my parents couldnt afford anything. I literally thought we were poor. I even thought that . It [b]took marrying someone truly from a poor home to point out to me that my parents are actually comfortable d the idea to me but over time[/b] I see how anything the need they are easily buy. They are just very big savers and NOT spenders. Everything is taken good care of and kept for maximum amount of years (embarrassing backpacks, winter coats) things my mother said "its not necessary to replace" and there was no arguing!!

Then my met dh. The dysfunction with his parents finances run so deep. Im getting tired of typing but the gist is- they lived off of their parents their entire lives and never had steady jobs/income and now they live off of dh siblings who are tzadikim beyond. At this point they are old and cant learn and new trade and arent in good health so if they arent being taken care if financially they will not have food to eat...

So hows ur relationship with money? Any trauma associated with it? Discuss...

Is Dh eying your parents money?
You said:” It took marrying someone truly from a poor home to point out to me that my parents are actually comfortable“. Just tell Dh to relax. Your parents never promised him money and actually they are smarter than most parents. Even if they have money they need it for their retirement. Don’t fight with your parents over this it’s very disrespectful and greedy

Last edited by Learning on Fri, Apr 24 2020, 10:24 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Jetblack

Fri, Apr 24 2020, 10:22 am

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

Honestly, I wouldn’t call it trauma even though I was affected- that was op’s term.
The difference is when parents are forcing kids to be different and live in survival mode rather than being thrifty but making sure the kids have a happy childhood.
My husband’s parents had nothing.. but they would happily borrow money to take their kids to the bungalow colony to have a wholesome summer while I was always home in a hot house with nothing to do and no one to play with. Although my in-laws didn’t buy clothing for their children they would get new toys for Chanuka and pesach... and they remember fondly their Friday afternoon trips to the bakery to buy treats. We grew up without treats EVER. The only thing we bought from the bakery was bread.
My parents felt that as long as we had basics we were fine but really we weren’t because we weren’t happy.

Learning

Fri, Apr 24 2020, 10:40 am

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

I think its all about the attitude and personality of the parents. You can have a happy house with nothing and a sad house with everything.

amother

Amber

Fri, Apr 24 2020, 11:29 am

I think in a happy home, children get treats some of the time. Define it how you will. Everyone is different. But I think even chazal agree - simchas yom tov for children is getting treats, for women its jewelry and clothes, and men its meat and wine. I grew up with post holocaust parens so I know what people are talking about... But something …. even if its small. Children should feel and experience that on whatever the financial level of their parents.

amother

Oak

Fri, Apr 24 2020, 1:46 pm

omg! I could’ve written this! that’s exactly what happened to me. I understand some parents are savers and some are spenders, I get it. But when parents are savers on their children and spenders on themselves, that’s a whole different issue.
I didn’t realize this until I grew up. I was a full time student with no income of my own yet. My mother had no intention of buying me any clothes even when I was in shiduchim. Meanwhile her own closet was burgeoning with clothes and accessories. I “shopped” in her closet before dates.

She even tried not having my hair done for my wedding claiming I can just put it in a bun since veil coved it anyway. I am not making this up!

As a child, no gifts for birthdays or anything else. if I got money as a birthday present, it was confiscated because family was in “difficult financial situation “. I heard that phrase a lot growing up.
So yes, this is something to be traumatized from. Now as a mother myself I try to give my kids what they need without overindulging.

amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:

I think I can relate a bit to OP. My parents were well off, but they acted like they were poor. I was the kid the others bullied. I had one outfit in HS, and they could have afforded a new one everyday for a month for all of us without any problem. They saved on our back.

amother

Fri, Apr 24 2020, 1:50 pm

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

She even tried not having my hair done for my wedding claiming I can just put it in a bun since veil coved it anyway. I am not making this up!

Wow. My mom didnt ask me not to have my hair done, but I knew shed appreciate saving the money so I offered to do it on my own plus my 3 younger sisters. Noone flinched. Everyone thought it was a great idea. It just messes with your mind when u hear so many complaints of costs of things that as a kid I just went into "save my parents every cent I can" mode. Thinking I'll help ease a burden for them. Little did I know there was no burden at all!

amother

Burlywood

Fri, Apr 24 2020, 2:48 pm

I also thought I was kind of poor growing up. We weren't though and I only found out as an adult. I had what I needed but that was it. My parents almost never spent money. They just didn't buy into consumerism. I had hand me downs and a very small wardrobe. I almost never got new toys and everything that broke was fixed and not replaced, we never had pizza or takeout, snack bags, or even meat in the choulent. We never went on vacations. The goal was always to try to spend as little as possible. I still have very little concept of money and try to never spend any. The trauma comes when I can't bring myself to buy a new pair of shoes because I already have one pair. And when that pair got holes I still didn't buy because I could technically still wear them so spending wasn't justified. I always have this vague anxiety about spending and believe that ideally I should be spending zero money on anything. It's a low level trauma, but it is there. I buy my kids enough toys, clothing and experiences but for myself not.

ValleyMom

Fri, Apr 24 2020, 2:57 pm

I never appreciated my parents frugal ways until I was married for many years.

I thought my parents were so cheap- we NEVER had ANYTHING the "cool kids" had.

As an adult with kids in college I FINALLY understood HOW my parents handled their finances.

They both worked hard- two jobs each.

They NEVER had us on any scholarship or government programs.

(In the 80s many students had to sign paperwork at school to receive government funding. My father said I was NEVER to SIGN my name to any document.)

We went to a one bedroom bungalow and we were grateful for the mountain air.

My parents paid for all my college I paid for books, subway etc. (I was irritated that I had to pay for book- I was such a brat)

My kids had to take out student loans.

They had many of the things the 'cool kids' had. I was so worried they would grow up being resentful of their cheap parents- so I bought a lot of ****.

Then I could not help with college.
That was when I realized how wise my parents are.
My father is gone 2 years but I thank him and my mom every day for being so loving, kind, generous, supportive and wise.