being a doormat | Imamother

gryp

Thu, Jan 31 2008, 12:46 pm

Is it possible to teach a child (4 yrs old) to be more aggressive around his peers?
He's plenty aggressive at home (to make up for what goes on in school, I believe), but not in school.
Is it possible, or just something that takes growing into?
Any ideas?

raizy

Thu, Jan 31 2008, 12:53 pm

yes it is possiable. but then I got into trouble for telling my son to fight back. what was I suppose to do they were all beating him up. one boy even stuffed him in a closet . one boy kicked him every day. so now he fights back. he even broke some boys glasses. that boy so deserved . even though I didnt tell my son that. that boys mom never came to me . because she is too scared . her son was beating up ,my son every day. believe me that kid wont start up with my son anymore unless he wants anther broken glasses. that kid was hitting and biting my son when my son grabbed his glasses and broke it. the princepal was on my sons side.

I dont know what else to tell him . like walk away doesnt work. and dont answer the bullies doesnt work. so what works. ????

gryp

Thu, Jan 31 2008, 1:19 pm

Thank Hashem we don't have a bully problem this year. I've been telling my son forever that if anyone wants to hurt him he should hurt him first if there's no adult around. Or hit him back.

I meant more during playtime, not necessarily fistfights. Like he thinks he has to listen to what the other kids tell him to do during pretend play. Confused

raizy

Thu, Jan 31 2008, 1:31 pm

yes like my second son. he just listhens to everyone and even if they tell him to do bad things he listhens to them. he is even scared to tell the rebbie if someone hurt him. aaahh he tells me that the rebbie wont do anything anyways so why bother. I cant believe that he gave up on the system at such a young age.maybe next year he will have a better rebbie. but that what happens to shy and quite kids.

gryp

Thu, Jan 31 2008, 1:38 pm

I found a self-defense video for preschoolers precisely for this reason that looks great, but I never bought it. Maybe I'll do that if I don't see him improving in this area.
He has improved a lot, but is having a hard time with this one, and I don't blame him, it's hard to suddenly announce that today he's in charge of the game and not the others. It's showing in his (horrendous) behavior at home and I'm just wishing for all of our own good that he can overcome this one as well as he overcame his other social impediments.

Barbara

Thu, Jan 31 2008, 1:46 pm

GR wrote:

I don't think that you can *teach*him to be more aggressive. I doubt you'd really want to, anyway.

If there is bullying or other trouble at school, please discuss it with your son's teachers. *They* should intervene. If they won't, look for another school.

Other things you can do (if its more that you think the other kids are pushing him around or taking advantage of him):

(I) Try to find playmates for your son who have similar temperaments. You can ask his teachers for names of kids they think your son would get along well with, then invite one for a playdate.

(ii) Role play with your son. Do you have any Playmobil or Little People figures? Play school with him using these figures. You can play out some of the behaviors that you don't approve of, and create responses for him. The easiest place to start is *I don't like playing like that* I recall that when my son was in kindergarten, a girl at shul came up to me and indignantly reported that she didn't like my son chasing her. *Did you tell him that?* I asked. She looked at me like I had grown 3 heads; that had never occurred to her. I called him over, she told him, end of story.

Tefila

Thu, Jan 31 2008, 7:01 pm

Quote:

It's showing in his (horrendous) behavior at home and I'm just wishing for all of our own good that he can overcome this one as well as he overcame his other social impediments.

from what I have seen of your son he does not have horrendous behaviour at all thats 1.
2. So lets say stuff is going on at school with him being dominated by his peers and perhaps he is emulating what he sees and trying it at home.

I would teach him not ever to be the first to lash out and also only if there is no adult to intercede. Shy quiet kids need confidence building imo thats all
Smile

gryp

Thu, Jan 31 2008, 9:32 pm

Thanks, Tefila. Smile

He behaves very well around people. Wink

He's anyone's dream child, a really terrific kid, but just going through a hard time right now. I was hoping I could help him learn faster to finally push him out of this stage, it's been going on for about 3 weeks. I'll just wait it out and see how we all come out at the other end. Smile

We also realized that he needs a new challenge to master. Until now he's been doing reading and was great at it, which was good for his confidence. I'm going to buy him a new jigsaw puzzle or some kind of arts & crafts project that will interest him and build confidence. He always had a pretty good self-esteem but it took some major blows since he started school and had to deal with other kids his age on a daily basis.

We've fallen into a pattern of negative behaviors and I need to change that immediately.

amother

Sat, Feb 09 2008, 10:29 pm

Just wondering. What is the school teaching re. bullying? What is their definition of a bully? Is the school, and more importantly the teacher's philosophy that the school is a safe place to be? My dd is all grown up now, but she had one girl all through school that just bullied everyone. Nothing was ever done. Today people are much more intune to bullying. It is one of the most hurtful childhood experiences and not to be taken lightly. And yes, there is a choice. You don't have to be the bully or the victim. Anyone read Barbara Coloroso's book?

gryp

Sat, Feb 09 2008, 11:06 pm

Quote:

Anyone read Barbara Coloroso's book

Amother, what book is that? Title?

Tefila Smile

thanks for asking. As I wrote in the other thread, he's going through a tough time and we're all feeling it. But since this thread he's earning stars and prizes for good behavior and he's really trying. It's not easy for any of us but we're getting through day by day, or I should say hour by hour.

I am adamant that he not be punished for what he does wrong, he is having enough of a hard time. When he gets out of control I place him on my lap and hold and hug him tight restraining his hands at the same time. I hold him until he calms down and talk to him calmly and play silly with him until he's laughing and happy and relaxed again.

Tomorrow IYH we go to Judaica World if it's not too cold out. He is in desperate need of activity fun books, new puzzles, and some fun and new exciting projects to do. I also am desperate for him to have these things because when he's bored he acts up, and even then.

Since this thread we've come far- from about 7-8 major blowups a day to about 2-3 minor ones a day.

I also want to get him a whole bunch of packaging bubbles to pop as a short daily activity to get some of the stress and anxiety out of him. I'm thinking of what else is out there.

Tefila

Sat, Feb 09 2008, 11:21 pm

Great going GR Smile

Whats yours or others take about those stress reliever balls great for small hand coordination and a stress reliever. I am seriously thinking of getting one for my kids too. Or those punching bags/balls when they are limited to outdoor play and ball throwing in winter seasons or is it better to teach them to sit quietly and read or look at picture books as a stress reliever instead Confused

gryp

Sun, Feb 10 2008, 9:34 am

We have a soft squishy ball but there's only so long a kid will sit and squeeze it. A punchball is a good idea, I never see them around though. I'll look into that one.

He could sit and play quietly very nicely but not all day. He needs some wild time to let out energy which he has tons of.

This morning he pushed my 14 month old over and when he realized what he had done he covered his face with his hands. He feels bad that he feels the need to push and hit and he tries so hard to control himself.