Hosting + dietary restrictions: how much do you accommodate?

notshanarishona

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 10:11 am

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

Maybe that is why I never get invited to meals. I had presumed it was because of my lousy personality. LOL

Really nothing personal, just busy and overwhelmed keeping my own family fed and taken cAre of so I only invite repeat guests who are low maintenance.

amother

Pink

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 10:16 am

notshanarishona wrote:

Really nothing personal, just busy and overwhelmed keeping my own family fed and taken cAre of so I only invite repeat guests who are low maintenance.

I consider myself very low maintenance! My DH definitely is. I do come with loads of (non vege) kids and teens though so maybe that is it.

SixOfWands

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 10:43 am

We reasonably accommodate if made aware in advance.

My salads are almost always vegan, as are my side dishes. But if I'm aware that I'm hosting a vegetarian or vegan, I'll also make a vegetarian main dish in addition to a meat one. (I always make 2 mains for guests anyway, in case people don't like one.)

banana123

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 10:44 am

In my opinion, if you invite someone over, you are agreeing to make sure they have what to eat.

If the guest is very very hard to accommodate (lots of allergies, GF with zero cross-contamination, etc.) then I think it's fair to ask them to bring something that they're willing to eat from home.

For vegetarians? Not vegan, just vegetarian? I really don't see what's so hard about making a vegetable soup or kugel, or making a salad or two that they can eat. It's really not that difficult a task, and if someone can't do it, they shouldn't offer to host vegetarians.

With regards to you and your SIL, either make sure to always bring your own store-bought food that you can eat, or ask her to make sure there is a dish that you can eat, or don't come.

Chana Miriam S

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 10:48 am

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

Maybe that is why I never get invited to meals. I had presumed it was because of my lousy personality. LOL

We know we don’t get invited out a lot because of how we eat. Truth be told, we are lucky that when we do get invited, our community standard includes pot luck, so we can usually bring our own to people who we trust mutually.

As a funny flip, our Rebbetzin invited us for Purim. She told me ahead of time what I could eat and what not. It turned out that she had accommodated me SF I well that I did not need to bring anything. I had told her I’d bring enough food for us so she didn’t have to worry, but she really did it all ( we eat meat and low carb veg only)

Instead I made a huge pot of hot and sour soup which they ADORE and I don’t eat. It was a complete win win.

If I knew I was having vegetarian guests, I’d use olive oil in my vegetables instead of schmaltz. I’d probably pick up some tofu and chum us and do something with it.

We use matzah for challah most of the time. We serve nuts for dessert. You would not starve.

The one hard thing we have to accommodate is fish allergy. Otherwise, we are gluten free( no grain or starch), no sugar/sweetener, berries for fruit ( not me but others in my family.) we can accommodate almost everyone. Even garlic onion allergy although that’s harder.

anonymrs

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 10:49 am

I wouldn't invite someone if I wasn't planning to feed them.

That being said, my children have many many food allergies. When we go away, I always make sure to bring something for them to eat, because I assume their food options will be very limited.

I imagine if you still go regularly, she probably assumes you enjoy coming anyway and don't mine the lack of food options too much. If I was you, I'd buy something you can eat and bring it along.

lamplighter

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 10:51 am

I always accommodate special diets but I won't lie, it is an extra step/accommodation.
It gets hard when you have a bunch of different diets to accommodate. This one eats gluten free and that one eats vegan and another is low fat while another is doing keto.
Most guests with special diets have very low expectations and are happy with whatever I serve. Some people do offer to make something they eat and that's really generous of them.
My pet peeve is when they dont say anything about it before shabbos. Dont show up and THEN tell me you're vegan.

watergirl

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 10:55 am

OP, out of curiosity, do you invite them over and accommodate their food needs? You say they are more to the right than you, but assuming you keep kosher (which I am assuming since you are a member of this forum), I cant imagine that you can't buy pre-made food for them at least. Do you host them? And if so, do you serve them a fleishig meal when they come to you?

If you don't ever host them, I can see why they would be less than the perfect hosts when you go to them. Unless of course they refuse to go to your home under any circumstances, in which case they seem to have other issues other than menu items.

amother

Pewter

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 10:56 am

lamplighter wrote:

My pet peeve is when they dont say anything about it before shabbos. Dont show up and THEN tell me you're vegan.

I also would feel very bad if I found out at the last minute that a guest wouldn't be able to eat most of my meal. I think some people don't expect to be accommodated, and don't even want to ask, so they plan to slide under the radar with their restriction by eating selectively. But then if the host or another guest notices, they have no choice but to explain. That type of person is trying to be polite and is very different from someone who shows up and loudly announces right before kiddush that they are vegan or whatever.

tichellady

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 10:58 am

watergirl wrote:

I don’t really think separating some salad before adding chicken is the same as buying a whole meal of premade food ( which by the way is not an option in every locale). And many vegetarians don’t serve meat in their homes. The op isn’t asking for a while vegetarian meal, just something nutritive that she can eat. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Buying a meat takeout meal may be unreasonable.

RuralIma

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 11:02 am

If I know ahead of time I'll always do my best to accommodate a guests dietary needs. Anytime my husband wants to invite someone over I make sure he asks about allergies and dietary restrictions so I know before I even do the shopping. My mom is a pescatarian and my dad eats anything so when they come over I'll make sure all sides are parve and have a fish main, a meat main and if we're having soup a parve soup. When I have someone over who is gluten-free I'm always extra careful about cross-contamination because I never know how bad it is. Vegan/vegetarian is easy enough to accommodate. We once had a vegan friend over so we all just ate vegan that night because it was easier for me if we were just all eating the same thing. Aside from extremely picky eaters, most dietary needs are fairly easy to adjust to as a host.

banana123

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 11:04 am

lamplighter wrote:

I expect that if someone does this, s/he does not truly expect you to accommodate him/her.

watergirl

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 11:10 am

tichellady wrote:

I agree with you. Separating salad before adding chicken is doable and they should do it for OP, its weird that they wont. I understand what OP is saying. I am asking a different question. Is there any way possible that OP can accommodate the sister in law. It does not have to be meat if they object to it; a store bought component is good. Or making pot luck so the sister in law can bring for them, etc.

My own sister in law took ages before she would invite us over because she keeps "kosher style" in her home but thinks it should be fine for everyone. She got offended for the longest time that we would not eat food she prepared at home. Finally, my mother in law got her to agree to host us pot luck and it was great. Then later she agreed to bring in kosher bagels, lox, cream cheese, etc. So we found a mutual way to make it work.

So my point in asking that last question was, I wonder if there is some kind of underlying reason for this unusual behavior form the sister in law who will not keep the chicken to the side of the salad. It really is unreasonable and strange and I hope she has a reason other than being stubborn.

Lets_Eat_Pie

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 11:11 am

watergirl wrote:

This is a fair point - we've had some (but not all) of them over, mostly due to space issues (DH and I live in a teeny one bedroom apartment and they are a family of ten). When the kids are here, we'll either get take out burgers from a local place or I'll make dairy/pareve food that they enjoy (Mac and cheese or other pasta, taco bar, homemade pizza). I wouldn't serve them the usual vegetarian food that DH and I normally eat unless I knew they liked it - that wouldn't end well for anyone.

watergirl

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 11:17 am

Lets_Eat_Pie wrote:

Wow, you really are awesome. I hope they appreciate what you do for them. It cant be easy of comfortable for you!

As to the behavior of these people, it is strange, rude, stubborn, and all the other ways to say just plain old not nice. Some meat eaters can not fathom a vegetarian. No other way to put it. Have you ever seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding? "What do you mean they DON'T EAT MEAT? Ok... I'll make lamb".

amother

Copper

Tue, Jun 16 2020, 11:18 am

I've been on both sides of this coin.
For when I wasn't vegetarian: I'd only make the extra dishes if that guest came once, maybe twice a year. If they came monthly I wouldn't switch up my menu. I used to host a lot, when you're constantly trying to cater to different people's dietary restrictions you end up not wanting to host.
As a vegetarian guest: I know my grandmother doesn't have ANY vegetarian options other than challah (she doesn't do dips or deserts). I try not to visit for the actual Friday night meal or lunch, and go for Shalush shudis instead, as besides for the tuna or lox I can eat just about everything. If she does ask me to come Friday night I make sure to eat before we go (before candlelight).
Also, I don't tell people I'm vegetarian before we go to them, never thought to. If they ask I'll just say I don't eat fish or meat, but that I'm sure I'll find what to eat and they shouldn't make anything extra. I'd feel uncomfortable if a family switched their whole menu because of me, but some are happy to make an extra salad or pie. As poster above said, I'm happier "flying under the radar".