Was my husband wrong I'm doubting if we did the right thing

amother

Brown

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 11:44 am

asmileaday wrote:

Op said the place was an hour drive from home. I don't think it's fair to have dh drive an extra 2 hours just to take the 16 yr old home.
Teens need to be taught that the world doesn't revolve around them. You want to go home? Sure, Ta will drive an hour to take you home and an hour back to pick up the rest of the family.
No it doesn't work that way. The sooner they learn this, the better. He made the decision to come along, he deals with the "consequences" whether it's staying alone next to the car or joining the family.

You're right.

Honestly I don't think I have a right to have an opinion here because of two things.
One, as I already mentioned, we check things out before we go and two my 16 year old wouldn't come along before he made sure it's ok hashkafawise for him to be there.

amother

Black

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 11:46 am

CiCi wrote:

Just realize when asking an hashkafic/chinuch question like this on this forum, that there are many women here who are bringing up their children in different ways than you may want to bring up yours. Such a question should be asked from your dass Torah or women who are in your circles.

Interesting you say this. I'm very right wing and I think OP's dh definitely did the right thing. At 16 years old, most kids are going out by themselves with their friends, nevermind just waiting in the car. You can't keep them tied to the apron strings forever.

amother

Lawngreen

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 11:46 am

Your husband made the right decision.

Driving back would have been horrible. Why would you punish your younger kids like that? They would be resentful of you and of your son. It would increase any sibling rivalry immensely. They would probably be very wary of going on any trips with you in the future.

Forcing your son to go? Has anyone here ever tried to force a 16 yr old to do something he doesn't want to do? You could have pressured, but if he really wanted to stay in the car, you can't 'force' him.

Next time, ask him BEFORE you set out if he is 100% sure he wants to come. And remember that 16 yr olds change their minds. He is old enough to stay by the car for two hours if there is shade and it's not too hot.

asmileaday

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 11:49 am

amother [ Brown ] wrote:

Of course you do Very Happy

everyone can have an opinion. I just didn't agree that that is a correct thing to do.

asmileaday

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 11:51 am

amother [ Black ] wrote:

Agree. I don't think it's a matter of hashkafa here.
This is a matter of teaching a teen to take responsibility for his decisions and not have everyone around him scrambling to accommodate his change of heart.

amother

Brown

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 11:56 am

asmileaday wrote:

Of course you do Very Happy

everyone can have an opinion. I just didn't agree that that is a correct thing to do.

I'm saying that I wasn't in this situation and will probably never be so it's not fair to give my opinion.

(If its not good for my 16 year old then my husband would not enter it either.)

Ora in town

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 12:05 pm

asmileaday wrote:

I think the teen was in a double bind here, damned if he does, damned if he doesn't.

On the one hand his mother did not approve of him going there, because she thought it was problematic from a point of view of tzniut... On the other hand she did not accept his solution of staying in the car, so as to not expose himself to the views she did not want him to see...

So what should he have done? Worn those glasses that make you not see anything???

amother

Brown

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 12:08 pm

Ora in town wrote:

I think the teen was in a double bind here, damned if he does, damned if he doesn't.

On the one hand his mother did not approve of him going there, because she thought it was problematic from a point of view of tzniut... On the other hand she did not accept his solution of staying in the car, so as to not expose himself to the views [b]she did not want him to see...[/b]

So what should he have done? Worn those glasses that make you not see anything???

Exactly!
That's why I think that if theoretically we would be in such a situation my husband and me would be on the same page as the 16 year old and my husband would drive him home.

amother

Brown

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 12:09 pm

asmileaday wrote:

Just to clarify. The 16 year old did not just have a chance of heart.

amother

Lavender

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 2:38 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My husband took out me and our teen boys and younger child a few weeks ago and I'm still stuck about it.
We traveled an hour away. while we arrived we saw lots of non jews, we were the only yidden. I was debating if we are doing the right thing for taking our teen boys to a place where its crowded with non Jews, which we didn't know before how the place will look . (It wasn't beach type of place) but the way summer looks like ppl tanning. I did not notice any very naked women so much tho, but it was crowded enough to remind just once to my kids to watch their eyes .
When we were ready to leave the car when arriving , my 16 year old son decided he's got no patience to come out with us , he rather stay in the car or come next to the car to spend time with his friend on the phone. Now the place was huge. I didn't know how long it will take for us untill were going to be back, and this son does not wanna join with us . I was very nervous to leave my son by himself @ the parking lot without any supervision. I started saying that I think we should turn back home if ds is not coming out with us, the rest of my kids were exhausted from travel and some started crying and beg to stay. we tried to convince this son but to no availability he wanted to give in. My dh decided to leave my ds behind, he claimed it's not fair for the other kids if we went straight back home. So I just followed my dh advice. Place was beautiful. We were spending almost 2 hours abserving everything just we were so so far away from where my ds stayed @ the car. I just couldn't enjoy myself fully while I knew my 16 year old is by himself @ the parking lot and who knows what he is being exposed to with all the preitzez around.

Now I'm asking opinions what you would have done? Would you just leave it up to your husband, would you very firmly just turn around and say were going home, was my husband being wise for leaving him and not care if he stayed? I can just say my opinion here: I think we should've made a U turn and take the kids a different time. I just saw how easy my dh left him stay that I said nothing but I was doubting the entire time and still am if it's ok or safe that we left him standing 2 hours @ the car . (Not that I felt bad for ds as he chose this , just I felt it was our responsibility and for his safety.) My ds was ok with that , he chose to stay , we did beg him to come join since he had the choice to stay home and he made up his decision to come along with us, only when we arrived he decided not to . I'm fearful if he wasnt impacted or seeing things he shouldn't. If he joined us , then I dont look @ it the same being exposed cause he would've been busy with us. Just since he stood 2 hours in one circle seeing people coming and going , I'm not calm about it. Could very much be that he was busy with his own thing talking to friends on the phone, I dont know .
I still feel that my dh should've been firmer and not have left my ds behind all by himself and just should've take us back home , and explain to the kids why we had to do so . My dh was ok (not that he was ok, just he saw my ds was being stubborn about it) leaving him as he chose that, and took us
As no problem and seemed very calm while I had so many questions but kept QUIET. I had my other kids and didnt wanna ruin their trip.

YOUR THOUGHTS???

Never would’ve agreed to go if there’s pritzus

FranticFrummie

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 4:00 pm

It doesn't matter to me if your DS wanted to avoid seeing women, or if he just wanted to hock with his buddies on the phone. Either way, he was saying that he was very happy to stay where he was. He wasn't demanding to be taken home, he was offering a compromise. That should be recognized as good problem solving.

As others have said, he's a big boy. He could call in case of emergency. He could get in the car and lock the doors if anyone shady tried to give him trouble. He could have cracked the windows open and taken a nap.

Teens can be absolutely infuriating at times, but you really have to choose your battles carefully. As long as no one is at immediate risk of injury or worse, then just let things go as much as you can. If he feels like you trust him, he'll keep wanting to earn your trust.

asmileaday

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 4:03 pm

amother [ Brown ] wrote:

Just to clarify. The 16 year old did not just have a chance of heart.

Quote:

my 16 year old son decided he's got no patience to come out with us

According to op that's just it. She was the one who thought about the SE aspect.

amother

Brown

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 4:45 pm

asmileaday wrote:

According to op that's just it. She was the one who thought about the SE aspect.

You're right again lol

Ora in town

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 5:10 pm

amother [ Lavender ] wrote:

Never would’ve agreed to go if there’s pritzus

What's "Pritzus"?
Question

I found the translation "prostitution"?
Were you at a place where harlots were offering themselves, why families were walking by? In plain daylight?

amother

Plum

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 5:13 pm

Ora in town wrote:

What's "Pritzus"?
Question

I found the translation "prostitution"?
Were you at a place where harlots were offering themselves, why families were walking by? In plain daylight?

If you don't get it. Don't mock it.

nchr

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 5:26 pm

1. Your husband's decisions seems reasonable to me.
2. This is something you should discuss beforehand so you make sure to be on the same page in front of the children.

amother

Brown

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 6:49 pm

Ora in town wrote:

What's "Pritzus"?
Question

I found the translation "prostitution"?
Were you at a place where harlots were offering themselves, why families were walking by? In plain daylight?

Pritzos is the word that is used in all heimish communities instead of the word 'immodest'.

Are you from a heimish community?

Ora in town

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 6:55 pm

amother [ Brown ] wrote:

Pritzos is the word that is used in all heimish communities instead of the word 'immodest'.

Are you from a heimish community?

Isn't "Pritze" the yiddish word for "Pr0stltute"?

amother

Brown

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 7:00 pm

Ora in town wrote:

Isn't "Pritze" the yiddish word for "Pr0stltute"?

For Pritzah the translation I got is breakthrough.

For Pritzos the translation I got is licentiousness.

amother

Floralwhite

Sun, Jun 21 2020, 7:03 pm

Who cares what the literal translation is? The word pritzus is used to mean immodesty/untzniusdig.