How do you choose a new community?

amother

Tue, Jul 21 2020, 10:20 pm

I have to say that this process of moving has been excruciating for us, to say the least. We were supposed to move out of state 2 years ago, but never did due to different reasons that held us back. We are now ready to seriously consider moving again, but we are so torn as to where to move. One place we are considering is the same out of town community we were considering 2 years ago. Another place we are considering is 30 minutes away from where we are now. The place out of state is a very small community whereas the closer community is much larger and more established. We have friends in both places. My daughter has more friends though in the larger community and there is more potential for her to make new friends. The smaller community seems much better for my husband though. We are so torn. Any advice on how you have chosen your community when you thought of moving? This is sooo hard. We have been making lists upon lists of everything we need in a community. It's definitely helping but I could use more help. Thanks so much in advance for your responses!

amother

Rose

Tue, Jul 21 2020, 10:32 pm

How small is small? We moved to a small community years ago and it's basically dead now. Every year we think the school will close down. Only a few kids per grade etc It's very limiting socially, no hope of frum amenities.

Anyhow, really small communities can be risky. They can die out.

amother

Turquoise

Tue, Jul 21 2020, 10:34 pm

I typed a whole post and then deleted it by it gives too much info and ppl could figure out which community I’m talking about.

Basically, before you move to a small town find out if there is major machlokes going on that might affect your kids schooling or your overall experience. It’s not always obvious at first glance so you really have to ask around if they’re aware of any issues.

amother

Copper

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 12:43 am

amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:

oH man! Was speaking to a friend of mine who lived in a very small oot community, and she moved bc way too much machlokes. Between shuls, schools, kollels, rabbanim Sad

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 12:47 am

Before we moved, about 5 years ago, we were having a very difficult time finding a place we loved. We saw flaws in every single community we visited.
A smart rebbetzen I know advised me to stop looking for the community I love and start looking for the school(s) I want to send my children to. And then move as close as possible to that school.
We did that and no regrets.

amother

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 1:49 am

amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:

This is definitely something to think about. We love the school our daughter is in now and if we moved to the larger community, she would get to continue in her current school. It would be a commute but many kids do it.
If we moved to the smaller oot community, she would obviously have to switch schools, as it's out of state.
This is definitely something to consider.
However, we did find a good school that many of the kids go to in the small oot community. The problem here is that I'm pretty sure there aren't any girls in my daughter's grade. The girls are either a grade younger or older. I don't know if this is a big deal or not, but this means no shabbos playdates with girls from her class. There isn't a single girl in the community in her grade, as far as I know. I guess this comes as a challenge when moving to a pretty small community.

banana123

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 4:31 am

I would go with the place that's better for your husband. Happy parents mean happy children.

Your daughter will be okay even if her friends are a year older or a year younger than herself, as long as everything else falls into place. And who knows? Maybe another family will move in soon, with a daughter exactly her age.

amother

Papaya

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 4:48 am

amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:

We did the same thing when we moved some time ago. We chose according to schools for our children. The rest fell in place.

amother

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 12:16 pm

banana123 wrote:

I think the issue with this is that I think my husband would be fine in either place, or so he claims.
It's just that we have invested these past 2 years into trying to move oot to the smaller community, that if we wind up deciding the larger community, I'm worried I will fail like a failure.
Has anyone ever tried so hard at something for so long and in the end just didn't work out? Part of me feels like if the smaller community were to work out, it would have already, or do we keep trying? But I guess that's a different discussion altogether.

mha3484

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 12:21 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If there are no girls her age who will be in her class? This would be a deal breaker for me. If its co-ed school she will be the only girl with the rest of the class being boys? If its a single gender school what grade will she go into?

amother

Turquoise

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 12:33 pm

Quote:

oH man! Was speaking to a friend of mine who lived in a very small oot community, and she moved bc way too much machlokes. Between shuls, schools, kollels, rabbanim Sad

LOL, I thought I was giving too much away but really what happened to us could have happened anywhere.

We moved to a certain town because everything seemed to fall in place: it was the right location, not too far from NY, affordable and I was able to find a job there. We interviewed the school principal who was an old friend of DH and our hashkafos meshed so we thought everything would work out. We didn't know about the brewing machlokes that would break up the school. We decided to stick with the original principal but he moved the school 30 minutes away. It was such a mess. My kids are really unhappy. They say they'd rather go back to our 2 by nothing apartment in NY.

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 12:33 pm

amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:

Yes, this played the largest part in our decision to leave our OOT community. Realize that the smaller the community, the more likely it is that the politics will impact you and your family, even if you try to stay away from machlokes. Looking back, it was definitely the correct decision to leave.

amother

Turquoise

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 12:34 pm

mha3484 wrote:

In many OOT schools the grades are combined. Could be an issue if you have 2 kids close in age and they'll end up in the same class.

amother

Turquoise

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 12:37 pm

amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:

Exactly. In a bigger community it's easier to find your own niche and you have enough people to be friendly with and enough choice of schools that politics don't affect you personally.

mha3484

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 12:47 pm

amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:

In many OOT schools the grades are combined. Could be an issue if you have 2 kids close in age and they'll end up in the same class.

To me, this sounds like setting your kid up to fail socially. Having a limited friend pool has a lot of potential for drama and negativity and then where does it leave you? Moving again? I would be very hesitant to move somewhere where my kid is the only one of their age/gender.

2gether

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 3:36 pm

amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:

OMG! this sounds like the Binah serial

amother

Plum

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 3:40 pm

family job shul schools

hatzlocha

am a big fan of many small communities; however, theres small and then theres small...what you describe no girls your daughter's age does not sound like a good idea in fact that is often a reason people in small communities move to bigger communities.
And sounds like a set up for your daughter who does currently like her school -- so id keep her in the school she likes. When that works for the kids it is gold. Cannot be underestimated.
Especially when weighed with the other factors you mention. From what you write Id go with the bigger community.
You say your husband would be happy in either and sounds like your daughter would be more guaranteed to be happy in the bigger one.

amother

Saddlebrown

Wed, Jul 22 2020, 7:35 pm

personally I'm really not a fan of kids commuting but I realize that a lot of people think its normal.

We live OOT. There are two schools locally. I've sent to both.

I saw how my older daughter was struggling socially due to not having many girls her age in school. I switched her and she is much happier now. I have another child who only has one girl her age. she was picked on at the other school so she is doing better here but I am concerned how things will be down the line. the grade above her is also very small...

amother

Thu, Jul 23 2020, 10:25 am

So last night, after making yet another list, we realized that what my husband needs from a community can be met in either place. There are definitely things that come up stronger for him in the small oot community, as in certain needs will be met more there. But overall, his needs will be met in either place. That being said, our next step is to figure out what our needs are as a family and see if the same holds true with both places meeting our families needs as a whole.
Any and all other advice is welcome and I want to thank all of you who have commented thus far.