Please help me learn to respond well to my 2 year old

amother

Wed, Jul 29 2020, 8:58 pm

He lately started being very difficult, everything is a fight. Time to get dressed? He runs away or screams and kicks me enough that it hurts. Anytime I’m outside he goes off running. He bangs and turns things over. Spills out his toys and throws things so things are constantly breaking. I know this is all age appropriate but I just don’t have fight left in me. I’m exhausted from trying to feed him, clothe him, entertain him while keeping him alive and the house intact. I try making things fun, giving choices but it’s not working for him. He finds the whole chase to be fun. I don’t know how to deal with him that’s not constantly negative interactions but still preserving my sanity. He just turned two so he understands a lot but it’s not like I can have a conversation with him. Any tips?

Rachel Shira

Wed, Jul 29 2020, 9:28 pm

Warning, this got really long!

Compleeeetely normal, and also very frustrating, but more manageable if you have tools to deal with it. I would preempt tantrums about daily activities like getting dressed or changing his diaper by first of all giving him 2-3 warnings a few minutes before it’s actually time (“in 5 minutes, we’re going to change your diaper.”).

When it’s time, get down to his level and first acknowledge what he’s in the middle of. “Name, you built a very tall tower, it’s almost as tall as you! It’s time to change your diaper, you can built more when you’re clean. Do you want to skip or jump to your room? (I find that a choice of how he wants to get there usually works well. If he doesn’t choose in a minute, “okay Mommy will help you go.”)

I use distraction a lot, if you have to pick him up and take him there or get him when he runs away, I just casually scoop him up and start chatting about what I’m doing, what we did before, an activity he likes, what we’re going to have for lunch, etc. before he knows it the diaper change is over. You can also keep giving tons of choices and power all in a row throughout the process. “Okay do you want to open the wipes or should I do it? Can you hold the diaper for me please? Do you want to turn off the light or should we leave it on? Do you want to read a book now or keep building with blocks?”

Throwing toys - I admit I sometimes choose to let this go if it’s not dangerous because it takes a lot of effort to follow through on this. If it is dangerous, I go to him, kneel down and say “Trucks are not for throwing. You can drive them.” If that doesn’t work I’d calmly take them away and say “trucks aren’t for throwing, we’ll put them away now. You can throw this ball or we can read a book.”

Yes it’s exhausting! At this age they’re testing boundaries and having consistency in house rules and a solid routine (and a ton of love and flexibility of course) is really the only way, but it takes a ton of energy. Choose what you can let go and follow through on whatever is important to you. If he doesn’t get dressed and you’ll just be at home, there’s no harm in that.

One more key piece of dealing with toddlers is giving them autonomy and independence. Can you leave 2 shirts out on hooks or whatever and let him choose his outfit for the day, and let him take the lead for when to get dressed? Can you set up a small snack station where he can independently get a snack or drink when he’s hungry? Little things like that make them feel so proud and can give you more leeway when you need to be the one in charge.

amother

Yellow

Wed, Jul 29 2020, 9:32 pm

amother [ Yellow ] wrote:

I can relate to every word, my child is a bit older but has been acting like that since I can remember. I know he has a huge amount of energy and he needs to give it out. I found distracting him EXTREMELY helpful and of course not letting him get out of hand. If he physically hurts me he has time out (we count till 10 white sitting on chair)
The distracting part takes creativity and patience but the outcome is so worth it.

Oh and keep giving choices, I found that it really works. It somehow forces him to stop doing whatever he’s doing (throwing things, running away or whatever) and use his brain. It definitely calms him down.

amother

Wed, Jul 29 2020, 9:40 pm

I’m doing most of this already. I give him choices. I give him warning so he knows what’s coming. I can’t give him the option to get dressed or undressed exactly when he wants (which is never) because he needs to get ready for playgroup but I do give him playing time first because I know he needs time in the morning and I try giving him choices which still doesn’t help. His throwing is a problem because he’s breaking things and also because he’s hurt us sometimes. I tell him that “buses are for driving on the floor, not throwing” bit he couldn’t care less. Then when I take it away he tantrums.

I’m not a high energy person and I’m also pregnant so I’m really having a hard time with this.

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Jul 29 2020, 9:58 pm

I'm sorry. He sounds very two and you sound very tired. It's a really really hard stage when you can't reason with them since they can't carry a full conversation. Sending lots of hugs and chocolate.

With my two year old (suuuuper high energy) when he throws we give him a ball, take the toy and say "When we need to throw, we throw a ball. Throw the ball to Mommy" and after a few months which basically felt like forever, he started sometimes stopping himself and grabbing a ball before throwing. It's faaaar from perfect but at least he knows what he's supposed to do when we give him that look. We keep little balls strategically all over the house for this reason.

I also work hard to give him a space to be wild and energetic. I'll take him to the park even when the weather is awful just so he can run and jump (and try to climb on the jungle gym backwards, end up falling on his face and wonder why) on a padded and safe place.

Oooohhhh it's so hard Can't Believe It

Take care of yourself mama, toddlers are a wild ride.

shana rishona

Wed, Jul 29 2020, 10:12 pm

Welcome to terrible twos!It is harder when you are pregnant and low energy.
Keep calm,take a deep breath when you feel yourself getting uptight as they feel more out of control when we loose our patience. And try not to give in to tantrums as that makes them do it more-make sure he knows you are there, stay calm and let him ride the tantrum but keep his body safe until the melt down is over. Try to preempt meltdowns with distractions. This age distractions are amazing...some distraction ideas-talk in a silly voice, make silly faces, fun games,exercize,dance,sing a silly song and casually carry him into another room. Changing the enviroment also helps as a distraction. Try to avoid power struggles as much as possible by using distractions. Example- Make getting dressed into a game.
Making sure they arent going to nap or bed too late also makes a difference. And toddlers are usually calmer and less likely to tantrum after they are well fed and are getting enough sleep.

amother

Bisque

Wed, Jul 29 2020, 10:27 pm

My toddler was exactly this until It got to the point where my one year old wasn't safe being in the same room as her. it also started getting worse lately after being home for 4 months. She would come home from camp and yell and scream and be completely unmanageable, and not the happy adorable girl she used to be. I was at my wits end.
just this morning I took her to a cranial osteopath,who told me her liver has toxins (from excema) and her skull is tight. She loosened her up a bit.
Beleive me when I tell u that me and my husband were staring at my daughter at bedtime today- like 'is this the girl we know???' it's not a hundred percent better, but she was talking and laughing and being adorable with the baby.
Bh bh.
Sometime they just need to be loosened up...Give it a try- good luck!

amother

Wed, Jul 29 2020, 10:33 pm

amother [ Bisque ] wrote:

My toddler was exactly this until It got to the point where my one year old wasn't safe being in the same room as her. it also started getting worse lately after being home for 4 months. She would come home from camp and yell and scream and be completely unmanageable, and not the happy adorable girl she used to be. I was at my wits end.
just this morning I took her to a craniosacrel osteopath,who told me her liver has toxins (from excema) and her skull is tight. She loosened her up a bit.
Beleive me when I tell u that me and my husband were staring at my daughter at bedtime today- like 'is this the girl we know???' it's not a hundred percent better, but she was talking and laughing and being adorable with the baby.
Bh bh.
Sometime they just need to be loosened up...Give it a try- good luck!

Where did you go If in Brooklyn?

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 1:43 am

Do NOT engage with unwanted behavior. Don't take the bait, don't feed the troll, do not negotiate with terrorists.

You will lose. The child thinks this is hilarious. The child is stronger, more stubborn, and has more energy than you do. The child can do this all day long and have a great time of it.

The best thing to do, if reasonable conversation is not working, is to say "OK, bye bye!" and then walk away. Go do something else.

When your child wants your attention and will behave in a reasonable manner, praise the SOCKS off of him, and maybe even do a happy-dance.

Kids crave a parent's approval, so plug into that. Don't feed the behavior you don't like. Starve it out. It's hard at first, but I promise you, this works over time.

(Caveat: Obviously, don't ignore behavior that is dangerous. Just deal with it calmly and firmly, without any drama. Stay neutral as much as humanly possible. If your child is about to run into the street, or drop the baby off of the balcony, then you have my permission to freak out and scream.)

Rappel

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 1:58 am

This is our method. Consistency is key:

"Shlomo, please come here so I can put on your shirt."

Doesn't come.

"Shlomo, I'm going to to count down from 5. At the end of 5, if you didn't come here, then I'm going to go to you and do it anyway."

Shlomo jokes and plays.

"54321" (we don't count slow, or stretch any numbers out. It's a 5-second count.)

I then catch Shlomo, and put on his shirt without any more discussion or games. He may protest. If he hits me, I either hold his hand until he is calm enough to communicate about sorry, or I put him for quiet time in his designated spot, depending on the personality of the kid.

Bottom line: imma says it once, we listen. If we don't listen, then imma does it for you, in whatever manner is most convenient for Imma. The consequent loss of independence is a powerful motivator at that age. They very quickly learn that if they want things done their way, the only way is to listen, cooperate, and communicate.

amother

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 8:20 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

I can’t walk away and not engage when he’s running away from me outside or throwing and breaking things or kicking me. That’s most of my issue. Things that can’t be ignored. I know he loves the thrill and try to ignore when I can.

amother

White

Thu, Jul 30 2020, 8:51 am

At would tell my 2 year old.
Please get into the car (he had to do it himself) or please come here to get dressed or whatever we needed to do and then he'd run and I would tell him
"Either you can do it yourself or im going to help you" 1...2...3... (and then he 99% of the time came running to do it). If he didn't I would pick him up and put him into the car and he screamed and cried and arched his back ... but next time he did it himself - it takes a long time to get into the car by themselves but I tried to ge patient.

Still doing it at 3 but now I can say "you do it yourself or ill help you and you probably won't like if I help you or ill help you put your arms in but I want to see how you can pull your shirt down"