Home

I don’t want my daughter to date.
Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next  Last >>
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




Red
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 1:58 am
Just want to say to op. Im in the same boat and hear your fear.
This is when this site can be so damaging. We often read the posts here and they come with us through our day as we shop cook and work. Thats fine for the "feel good" posts. But for the rest? Can be really damaging. So do yourself a favour and come off this site. Or at least stop reading the negative threads for now.
Surround yourself and your daughter with friends and family with good marriages ....perhpas you will feel less frightened.
Back to top

amother




Pearl
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 1:59 am
It's like a reverse Instagram. Between the two, you should be pretty nicely balanced.
Back to top

amother




Ecru
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 2:03 am
I'm hesitant to post this because it might sound crazy, but this really worked for me, and might work for your daughter too.

I got married in my late 20's. When I was dating a guy more seriously, and trying to assess my feelings, I used to picture myself in super vulnerable positions, and ask myself if I felt safe being in those places with the guy. Not, how would he handle it (because there could be a lot of 'right' answers, and there's no way to know until you're there), but would I feel safe and comfortable from my end.

The 3 I thought of were the wedding night (could I imagine him considering my comfort and feelings, or just focusing on himself/dtd), being in labor (I.e. in physical pain when I needed him to focus on me and couldn't focus on him), and facing a family crisis (I.e. severe emotional pain). I'm sure there are other good examples.

It really helped elevate my gut feelings above what my brain and heart and everyone around me were saying.

Anon because I've spoken about this in real life.
Back to top

crust




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 2:07 am
amother [ Ecru ] wrote:
I'm hesitant to post this because it might sound crazy, but this really worked for me, and might work for your daughter too.

I got married in my late 20's. When I was dating a guy more seriously, and trying to assess my feelings, I used to picture myself in super vulnerable positions, and ask myself if I felt safe being in those places with the guy. Not, how would he handle it (because there could be a lot of 'right' answers, and there's no way to know until you're there), but would I feel safe and comfortable from my end.

The 3 I thought of were the wedding night (could I imagine him considering my comfort and feelings, or just focusing on himself/dtd), being in labor (I.e. in physical pain when I needed him to focus on me and couldn't focus on him), and facing a family crisis (I.e. severe emotional pain). I'm sure there are other good examples.

It really helped elevate my gut feelings above what my brain and heart and everyone around me were saying.

Anon because I've spoken about this in real life.


These are very valid points and very in line with my way of doing things.
Back to top

amother




Ecru
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 2:11 am
But to also echo what everyone is saying here. I assume your daughter wants to get married.
Chances are she'll BEH be ok and marry someone loving, kind, and deserving of her beautiful nature. And things may not be perfect, but she'll be able to navigate that, as she navigates life now. And with her caring, wonderful mom behind her, she's even better equipped.
Back to top

amother




Peach
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 2:16 am
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:
The people with normal, healthy relationships don’t post about it. “Hey guys! Just wanted to let you know that my husband is the best and super supportive and we parent the same way and we have a great bedroom life. K bye!”

Maybe we should.

How about starting a spinoff where we all show off and flaunt our good marriages?
Back to top

Rappel




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 4:38 am
amother [ Peach ] wrote:
Maybe we should.

How about starting a spinoff where we all show off and flaunt our good marriages?


I wish.

Some Sour Sallys on here always get the upbeat threads shut down REAL fast!

But we can give it another try, and see if we can keep the kvetch off the thread.
Back to top

amother




Cerulean
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 6:07 am
would work with a mentor or frum therapist to reframe: you do not want her to chas v shalom marry a not good guy with a hidden issue or the like
you also do not want her to live a bitter life
an unfulfilled life without a loving partner and children IY"H.
your fears I understand perhaps every parents' "nightmare"
you need to get past them in a realistic productive way to best help support your daughter in her next stage of life.
make it a teachable moment for yourself and family and your daughter how we move forward with worry how we do our hishtadlus and work on bitachon and emunah
hugs and hatzlocha

(ps things can happen even when secular who live together first...people can change, people can marry based only on chemistry, people can ignore red flags, peoples' hidden issues can emerge...shidduchim and research actually help avoid this though can happen in minority of situations R"L)
Back to top

amother




Slategray
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 6:58 am
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:
The people with normal, healthy relationships don’t post about it. “Hey guys! Just wanted to let you know that my husband is the best and super supportive and we parent the same way and we have a great bedroom life. K bye!”

This!

Also even if someone posts something negative about her dh, it’s just so shortsighted and missing so much information. I’ve looked at the thread of what dh did to you today that was nice, the only thing I got that he was pleasant to be around.

Now would I post that, I would get some eyes raised. He’s the most loving husband any gal can wish for. But that wouldn’t come across from one episode on one particular day.
Back to top

amother




Coral
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 7:37 am
amother [ Ecru ] wrote:
I'm hesitant to post this because it might sound crazy, but this really worked for me, and might work for your daughter too.

I got married in my late 20's. When I was dating a guy more seriously, and trying to assess my feelings, I used to picture myself in super vulnerable positions, and ask myself if I felt safe being in those places with the guy. Not, how would he handle it (because there could be a lot of 'right' answers, and there's no way to know until you're there), but would I feel safe and comfortable from my end.

The 3 I thought of were the wedding night (could I imagine him considering my comfort and feelings, or just focusing on himself/dtd), being in labor (I.e. in physical pain when I needed him to focus on me and couldn't focus on him), and facing a family crisis (I.e. severe emotional pain). I'm sure there are other good examples.

It really helped elevate my gut feelings above what my brain and heart and everyone around me were saying.

Anon because I've spoken about this in real life.


When you want to get married, and hope it will work, the guy treats you well on dates, well groomed, good looks, can you really assess how he would act during future situations?
I think at dating phase your emotions work more than your ability to see the future
I wouldnt be able to
If any questions or red flags, talk to a smart rebbetizn, they know what red flags are, they know what messy marriage is
Back to top

behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 7:57 am
amother [ Ecru ] wrote:
I'm hesitant to post this because it might sound crazy, but this really worked for me, and might work for your daughter too.

I got married in my late 20's. When I was dating a guy more seriously, and trying to assess my feelings, I used to picture myself in super vulnerable positions, and ask myself if I felt safe being in those places with the guy. Not, how would he handle it (because there could be a lot of 'right' answers, and there's no way to know until you're there), but would I feel safe and comfortable from my end.

The 3 I thought of were the wedding night (could I imagine him considering my comfort and feelings, or just focusing on himself/dtd), being in labor (I.e. in physical pain when I needed him to focus on me and couldn't focus on him), and facing a family crisis (I.e. severe emotional pain). I'm sure there are other good examples.

It really helped elevate my gut feelings above what my brain and heart and everyone around me were saying.

Anon because I've spoken about this in real life.


Another thing to ask yourself is if I were to divorce this guy how would he behave, would he be a mentch or not.
Back to top

amother




Dodgerblue
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 8:04 am
amother [ Ecru ] wrote:
I'm hesitant to post this because it might sound crazy, but this really worked for me, and might work for your daughter too.

I got married in my late 20's. When I was dating a guy more seriously, and trying to assess my feelings, I used to picture myself in super vulnerable positions, and ask myself if I felt safe being in those places with the guy. Not, how would he handle it (because there could be a lot of 'right' answers, and there's no way to know until you're there), but would I feel safe and comfortable from my end.

The 3 I thought of were the wedding night (could I imagine him considering my comfort and feelings, or just focusing on himself/dtd), being in labor (I.e. in physical pain when I needed him to focus on me and couldn't focus on him), and facing a family crisis (I.e. severe emotional pain). I'm sure there are other good examples.

It really helped elevate my gut feelings above what my brain and heart and everyone around me were saying.

Anon because I've spoken about this in real life.


I dont think life Is as "simple" as "all ppl in bad marriages with bad dhs didnt check out well or didnt think about the above"..

.life is complex....men put on shows and many families hide their secrets and keep it to themselves....also ppl change....does a person know how well he will be able to handle sleepless nights with financial stress and the responsibilities of a wife/kids? no!!you have to experience it to know exactly how youll handle it....

where does hashem fit into this? dont we believe we must do our hishtadlus but after that, hashem has a plan as to which challenges/pain/suffering we will have?

or, are you saying that all ppl with bad dhs in these bad situations didnt do their proper hishtadlus and missed red flags???(I dont agree....and I think its easy to say that if one has not experienced complex boys and families who know how to put on shows for dating/engagements).....

I think the person who posted about how we must be careful about what it means to be "mevater" and "sacrifice" etc...(is correct)

that we need to teach our children a balance and how to recognize certain behaviors which may happen after marriage(which are usually hidden before) ....because a lot of girls are taught that we must do do do...and we need to be a good wife etc....but we should also teach our dds about how their dhs should treat them....such that there are red flags after marriage that some women push aside because they think "if only I would be a better wife..."(as many schools also teach that "if you treat your dh as a king, he will treat you as a queen."....but this is not true for dhs who have mental health issues or....)

I also agree with bc being an option for the first year or....(although many ppl disagree with this)....this way if there are red flags after marriage which were hidden before, then its "easier to get out" as some women feel more stuck once kids are in the picture....(2 of my yeshivish relatives who did a lot of checking.... were on bc for a year and ended up divorcing (one bec the girl saw a red flag and one bec the boy saw a red flag (while the other gender didnt want the divorce but had no choice....) they had no kids when they divorced...
Back to top

PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 8:05 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
There I’ve said it.
She is the sweetest, kindest, most refined girl I’ve seen. She’s frum and so mature.
Her life is good. She has a great fulfilling job.

Why bother getting married.
The threads I read here are hair raising.
It just makes me so sad thinking of my precious daughter ending up with one of these jerks.
I don’t want to hear about red flags. Hundreds of people looked carefully and are suffering.

Whatever. I don’t even know what I want.


OP, I'm going to replay without reading more.
If she's ready, let her go for it. Your contribution is vetting, and getting help for the vetting if necessary, being there for her, and if she has a coach or mentor, being supportive of her consulting whoever she wants.
Then, when beH she gets engaged, you can mention that once she gets married, her choices aren't your business. She decides what's your business. But that bc is a valid halachic option that can help her if she needs the break for whatever reason.
But don't deprive her of happiness, and moving on with life in normal, healthy ways, particularly since it sounds like it's very much the appropriate time.
Hatzlacha!
Oh, and if I may say, hatzlacha battling whatever middle-age demons you have. (You daven for me, I'll daven for you.) Or maybe you're not there yet and you're just scared at the world our children are navigating. Take a deep breath and leave that for Hashem. You've raised a fantastic girl so far with His help and your hard work.
Back to top

PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 8:25 am
amother [ Apricot ] wrote:
I am married almost 2 years, and this kind of reminds me of my parents lol. When I was 19 and eager to start shidduchim, they were like enjoy your single life, figure out what you want to do, etc. Then I started dating a year after sem and the boys that came up were more off the mark then the next. My classmates started getting married one by one and while I was super chilled-that I wasn't running after dates and who cares if things weren't coming up, I am just looking for a husband, my parents were panicking and I was like what changed? You were scared for me to start dating and now you're panicking. I was engaged by 22 and married by 23.
But honestly, the threads here are scary and when I read a thread in the shalom bayis section, I am opened to a whole new world that BH I should never know of and regret reading it after. You can only do your hishtadlus and daven.


Good point: Just because one starts dating doesn't mean that one gets married right away, even if suggestions are on target.
The important thing for a single is to feel that she's not just marking time but doing good stuff. That comes from doing whatever she's doing - school and/or work - with integrity, and using her free time productively. No, she doesn't have to be running to do every chessed, but doing some chessed, which can certainly begin at home, developing hobbies and interests, developing herself more professionally, developing herself spiritually through tefilla and learning, all this is a life well-lived.
Back to top

PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 8:27 am
tigerwife wrote:
Care to elaborate? Do you find the rate of divorce/bad marriage higher in our communities than others?


It's certainly higher than it used to be.
Back to top

PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 8:29 am
FranticFrummie wrote:
My DD is 17, and she's seeing all of her friends getting married right now. She has no interest at all.

I've given her total freedom in this department. She can date as long as she wants, she can include me in her decisions - or not. She's allowed to have male friends, so she's not awkward around the opposite gender, and can get a realistic picture of what guys can be like. If she falls in love with a guy she's best friends with, then that's even better.

Right now, she wants to focus on getting into a good college. Her long term plan is to maybe get married years from now, and to foster at-risk teenagers. (She has a genetic condition, and doesn't want to risk having children of her own. She thinks that there are too many kids in the system who she can help, and that will be satisfying for her. She also doesn't like babies.)

Who knows what her future will hold? I'm not worried, because she is independent, intelligent, discerning, and very happy with where she is holding right now. The stronger she becomes as a single girl, the better wife she will be when she decides to settle down.


Wow, she's 17 already.
I'm surprised that her friends are getting married this young.
And kol hakavod - you definitely deserve the credit - that she is so focused on good goals.
Back to top

amother




Linen
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 8:29 am
I had many struggles in my marriage because of things I didn’t pick up on during dating. Things like my dh not being very smart and lacking common sense, and him having been very affected by his parents’ divorce in a way that made him deeply insecure and unable to parent well. It took many years of working on myself to get our marriage in a good place, and I don’t want dd to go through the same. I wish I could figure out how I could have seen those things when I was dating. I was a BT who had had boyfriends and knew what guys were like, so it wasn’t that I was young and naive.

I know it was all bashert and I’m proud of how I’ve grown via my marriage. I don’t regret marrying dh, but if I had known those aspects of him I would not have married him. It’s been hard, and I want a better marriage for my dd.
Back to top

amother




Rose
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 9:41 am
I am one of those posters on the shalom bayis threads. My poor mother witnessed her 'top daughter' who was popular, talented, smart, happy, friendly, turn into a shadow in the first year of marriage, and then into an aged woman in the years following that. She was pained to see it, and yet I didn't really talk with her much about it, because I was told not to.

I have some advice for you, because I know as well as you that sitting out and not getting married is not an option in our communities, and your dd will certainty have a desire to get married.

1. Studies show that the best marriages are the ones that are between two people who are naturally happy. Do yourself a favor and look for a guy that is naturally happy. Unfair? I know. Most people are not the naturally happy type, but those who are tend to fair better in marriage. My dh was a top bachur, who learned well, helped others, etc, but he was the very serious type, not the happy type.
2. Do your research and find out what kind of friend the guy was. It's a hard thing to research, but the best way to know if he will be a good husband, loyal to your daughter, is to find out if he has had close relationships with other boys. My dh switched yeshivas a few times, and had a hard time sticking with chavrusas, both big red flags to look out for.
3. Do not get so carried away with wedding plans that your daughter feels pressure during engagement. She should make the most of those engagement dates and continue looking for things that may make her feel uncomfortable. Call off the shidduch during engagement and you'll save yourself heartache down the road. I was so nervous during engagement, that even though there were major issues that arose during the engagement, I didn't want to disappoint my parents and so I said nothing.
4. Bonus is if you can find out if the boy was ever a counselor or in a position of authority / responsibility, and find out how that experience was for the campers / kids / customers. This is a hard one.

When dating, I looked for the boy who was the smartest, 'top learner', etc. My father also looked for empathy and caring for others. These are great traits, but I've learned that social skills, joy in life, and responsibility are actually more important than those.

Best of luck... wishing you well on your journey of letting go and escorting your child into adulthood.
Back to top

amother




Rose
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 9:50 am
Also, I agree with OP that not getting married is actually better than getting married to a guy who is mentally disturbed. However, your dd will be the happiest if she does get married, to a guy who is normal, emotionally well-balanced, not necessarily perfect. It's wise for you to start early so she has the best chance of finding that. Don't wait around, because that will not get you closer to your goal. Instead, start early, take your time, and do it with peace of mind.

Good luck!
Back to top

ninjamom




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Jul 31 2020, 11:53 am
May I say "have a little bit of trust in Hashem" ? Rely on him!
Back to top
Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next  Last >> Recent Topics

Page 4 of 5 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Anyone backing out of sending daughter to seminary in EY
by amother
76 Today at 11:43 am View last post
Computer and filter for my 18 yr old daughter
by ladYdI
12 Tue, Aug 04 2020, 11:16 am View last post
I don’t want to lend out my pool - how to tell neighbors
by amother
69 Tue, Aug 04 2020, 9:04 am View last post
Antisocial 15 year old daughter. Depressed?? 11 Tue, Aug 04 2020, 6:33 am View last post
Date night with dh
by amother
4 Mon, Aug 03 2020, 11:14 pm View last post

Jump to: