Wedding expense articles in family first magazine

amother

Olive

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 5:57 pm

amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:

Anyone notice that every single post on this thread is saying that same thing?

It's crazy it's insane, don't spend so much on wedding and jewelry, I was happy with czs and minyan wedding etc etc....

Where are all the people who are actually spending all this money and buying real jewelry? Where are all those women who interviewed for the mishpacha? Can they speak up and show us the other side of the story?

I’ll bite. I might be hit with tomatoes but what can I do? You think my life is peaches and cream after reading this but haha. Nice try.

My parents are regular hard working Lakewood people. My in-laws are wealthier. An understatement. Lol.
To explain- I paid for lots of stuff like linen, house items ect. The rest we got for cheap at TDL. I got a second hand wig and one new wig. I paid for a lot of my Sheva brachos outfits. If my in laws knew any of this we’d all die of embarrassment....

My in-laws bought me a really expensive beautiful clear 2 carat diamond in a magnificent setting. A 2 strand beautiful bracelet. Shabbos earrings matching the bracelet. Pearls with diamonds. Heart pendant. Michelle diamond watch. Gorgeous candlesticks with a tray. A set of monogrammed machzorim. Other small gifts. $400 gift card to a lingerie store. Probably spent over $20k in gifts alone. They paid for our furniture, lots of upgrades by our wedding, shabbos sheva brachos, a new car ect.
I loved and appreciated every single gift. I still wear my jewelry and I cherish it. (True it’s only been 5 years) I’m happy they used the money on diamonds that last forever and didn’t give $ for new clothes for me (which never fit again...) or a wig (styles change quickly) or linen set or housewares (which we bought better quality things on our own, slowly). I’m eternally grateful to them. I know I got more then other Kallahs.

We got dh a kiddush cup, a Tallis bag (I paid actually), a set of shas, a new Tallis and a $1000 watch. This is what my parents could afford. They didn’t go into debt to buy him a $5000 watch.

Any questions? I can’t wait to hear the critics! (Although to be clear I didn’t ask for any of this. It was all given to me. And yes I was pleased. I won’t say I wasn’t.)

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 6:40 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

Very similar situation here. Dh bought me a 10k ring (I only recently found out how much he paid; he paid, not his parents, he used money he had saved up over the years), diamond earrings (he paid), his parents bought me a small, tasteful diamond necklace.

They paid for many upgrades at the wedding- pretty sure it was around 50k (my parents would have only done a takanah wedding).

My parents gave Dh a $1200 watch, a Tallis, a set of sefarim (not shas, he had one). That's it.

Furniture we got second hand or did without.
I think my in laws deserved to be able to make a nice party if that's what they wanted. They definitely didn't (and don't) spoil us. Dh paid for most of my jewelry on his own. No one complained or made me feel bad for giving less expensive gifts to Dh than they gave to me.

TDL paid for one of my wigs; the other one was $1200. (Both were lemons sadly.)

The problem is when ppl try to be like other ppl even though they can't afford to.

I always tell Dh at least I know you didn't marry me for money Wink

asmileaday

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 6:40 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

Nothing to criticize. I have no problem if it is easily afforded.
I'm not from the school of thought where takanos need to be implemented on a large scale and EVERYONE should downsize the exact same way.

amother

Khaki

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 6:58 pm

amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:

I'll bite too.
Regular chassidish family.
I married off a son recently. Spent about 40,000 total.

8000 on the wedding itself, everything included. (half of the total)
10,000 on all the kallah gifts.
8,000 on setting up apartment- furniture, appliances, housewares, linens (also half)
10,000 on all the rest including shadchan, aufruf, clothing for chosson and everyone else.

This is pretty standard in my circles. But this is really on the lower end. In the more balabatish chassidish, they definitely spend more.

asmileaday

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 7:15 pm

silverlining3 wrote:

In my family, my parents gave their budget, and the other party was welcomed to add on their own expense.
More than one mechitunim upgraded the hall, menu, and paid the difference.

Jewelry is something I cherish very much, it's once in a lifetime, and would never be okay with CZ. I love every pc of jewelry I got, and wear them every single Shabbas and simcha.

Also, my parents used our wages to help marry us off. I'm grateful that I was able to be of help!

Regarding the bolded- how about if you knew that for every piece of jewelry your inlaws bought for you they borrowed and begged from who knows where and now they can't pay their mortgage, tuition or buy decent food for yomtov? And that your inlaws now toss and turn at night sick with worry dreading how they will need to do this again for the next child?

I'm absolutely not saying this was your situation, I'm just giving an example of the reality many live with.

amother

Turquoise

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 7:26 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks. I read through that whole thread. Didnt realize it was already discussed.
Rich people can do what they want , spend as much as youd like. I dont really care. People who are not rich can also spend 100k and go into debt for that if thats what they choose- again I dont really care.
The problem is that I am realizing that I am very very poor. and all of the people in the magazine paid minimum 20k for what they call a bare bones wedding and I am feeling despair because there is no way I can see myself ever being able to pay even that.
Forget about the rich people. where do all the poor people get their money from?

I didn't read the whole thread but I do have the same question as you OP. I'm a single mom and my ex pays for nothing. I don't exactly have a spare $20K (or a spare $2K for that matter). And to refinance a house to pay for a wedding, one has to first own a house, which I can't afford either.

amother

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 7:27 pm

Mama Bear wrote:

I'm a little confused. You didnt get a watch when you got engaged? you didnt give your choson a watch either?
I got married in 1995 and my husband's gold watch cost $950 back then.
This is reality. Marrying off kids costs money. Why do you think there are constant fundraisers for people's weddings?

Nope. My husbands parents were poor. My parents were ok, not well off but managing. I refused to let my in laws have heart attacks in order to provide me with 10k of luxuries. I told them the only thing I wanted was a ring. any other jewelry Id be perfectly happy with a swarovski crystal necklace etc..it was all for show anyway. I wore a beautiful sparkling necklace at my vort and no one knew it wasnt real. Everyone oohed and ahhed appropriately.
being that my husband grew up poor he understands the value of money. My parents offered to get him a watch and he also refused. He said I have a watch already (Under 100$) and it still works perfectly fine. he saw no need for a new one.

silverlining3

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 7:40 pm

asmileaday wrote:

Can't relate so can't answer. Sorry
As I said, they gave their budget, and I believe it was according to what they felt they can afford at that time. I still don't know how much they spent on my jewelry, but I know they're happy that I wear and enjoy it. Vs those who get and don't wear it.

One thing that does bother me, is that they gifted me shortly after our wedding with a diamond pin, cuz they were afraid I might be jealous of my bil kalla, who got one. I am so not that type! And personally, I was so glad I didn't get one during my engagement cuz I don't like it! I wear it occasionally. It is what it is.

ETA - I see now you said it might not be my situation. Sorry I missed it.
Yes, I do understand people can't afford and still get the most expensive, just for show or peer pressure (and I find that such kallahs resent it more). And yes, it's pretty sad.

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 8:10 pm

Hi- amounts of course sound crazy till you are up to them. And everyone would agree that lavish is not necessary, but I do think it is important to realize that diff systems are different. In yeshivish circles even for A modest wedding where the wedding itself is modest you can't do less than 10,000 each for wedding expenses - probably more like 20,00" each- bc people Are getting married super young! The guys don't have jobs bc they learn and the girls may be one year or less back from seminary- or in school still. They either don't have jobs or have low paying ones that they need to support themselves after marriage. So of course the children getting married don't have jobs. And Of course the girl wants at least one decent Sheitel - if not two - especially bc she won't be able to afford one on her own after marriage bc she won't be making a lot and is supporting her husband and likely pregnant soon. Same with at least some nice clothing- doesn't need to be thousands of dollars but a t least a few outfits, and at least a few pieces of furniture. I don't mean luxurious but even ikea furniture and decent mattresses is likely to cost 3-5000 dollars. And families like mine who aren't handy- putting them together has to be paid for as well. This is not a criticism. Im in this system and I think there are enough benefits to getting married young to make it worth it- but I'm just explaining!

For example We did a fairly modest wedding but of course I got two middle level sheitels for my daughter because she is in school and has a few years ahead of her and her husband is learning. If she was working in lost field she would also need to look professional. So if u need a Sheitel for professionalism daily and if I get Something junky , 1. It will fall apart before she can afford a new one on her own, and I'll pay for that anyway or she will be professional looking and comfortable and 2. It is hard to feel good as a new kallah looking atrocious and frankly I wouldn't want her to feel bad daily for a few years over an extra 500 or 1000.

Many parents know their kids can't afford their own things for at least a few years so they want to buy them some middle level things so they have them. I think it is more responsible and prudent to buy a few middle level things then all so cheap taht it lasts a year. Like I am solidly middle class and don't buy 4000 mattresses but I also don't want to buy $300 ones for a chasson and Kalla bc good ones can last 10 or more years and make a big difference in how one feels daily- especially if one has back problems ro is fall to pregnant. These are small choices but they add up- yet they do make sense as I see it.

It happens to be Many of my friends children who are not yeshivish also cover a lot or all of their children's weddings and initial life expenses because their children are in school - college, grad school, even medical and law school but still in school. Unless you demand children wait till 25 or older or They happen no to meet the right one only a lot older I don't see any way to not provide children with some basic furniture, sheitels, new shoes and some clothing, security deposit for apartment and possibly help with rent for a while.

There is nothing wrong with waiting till one is self sufficient till getting married if that so your Hashkifa and world view but if it isn't- and you approve of getting married young- then what do You want?

Re OP it is amazing you love on that! I wnat to point out that in Some neighborhoods it is literally impossible to. Like even rent in Brooklyn and Passaic for two bedroomS is generally in 1700-2000 range PLUS utilities- and when u add food and day care or health expenses - even copays prenatal vitamins etc... and also pay taxes- so u need to make 5-10,000 a year to give to taxes on top of what u spend , it is literally impossible to live on 40,000. In neighborhoods where people pay 12000 -15000 Or more for tuition, spending 12000 -15000 for wedding and expenses- or even 20,000 each side is a lot but not crazy.

coloredleaves

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 8:22 pm

As an adult married many years I have no problem buying a cheap watch and in fact if I had a lot of money woudl much rather spend it on new furniture or long lasting things I enjoy more. bUt a kalla watch is symbolic and often lasts a lifetime or at least 10 years and the extra money to costs to buy a nice one is worth it and not much compared to the whole wedding price. I mean spending 1-2000 if that is the norm in ones circles. We are yeshivish and actually A watch did not seem to be given at all in our exact circles. But when I got married it was the norm in my circle or get a movada (not crazy even so be but not $10) and I cherished that watch for many years and it was symbolic . I don't mean spending 10,000 if one isn't in that income range (I didn't even know People spend that much till This thread! But I assume people that spend it can afford it)

The same with the ring- especially for low income families it may be one of the only pieces of real jewelry the woman ever gets. So let her get soemthing real! Not 10,000 but a few thousand dollars to last forever and be passed down to children and give pleasure daily is not crazy. It is sad to what. Cz that looks bad in a year. (I bought good quality cz for myself for fun at one point for an eternity ring and after wearing it daily that's what happened).

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Aug 03 2020, 8:43 pm

I woudl tataher have a real small ring then a fake czar I don't think it's entitlement. I think it's the way of the world of what makes people feel good . I dont Mean lavish- but basic. Even in Chumash we see women get jewelry when engaged. We buy people birthday presents and don't say what do they feel entitled? We pay for the wedding itself and don't say why do kids think they need weddings. U can say an extravagant ring is entitled. But a small but decent real thing is part of the excitement and makes one feel cherished. Maybe it also does on love types and personality. I'm totally not materialistic. Dont have designer things. Don't have any other expensive jewelry or fancy cars. But I am so happy to have a real ring and my parents added an extra 2-3000 in to their wedding expenses to why my brothers kalla's rings, which when amortized over a couple years of paying back a home equity loan with actual wedding expenses isn't really that big a deal. It is just sort of expenses. I don't see a real ring as materialistic. I see it as sentimental. Having something that lasts forever to Symbolize love is a big deal and once in a lifetime. I would rather a real ring than virtually any other wedding expenses. Certainly more than flowers, fancy sheva brachos, clothes and other wedding expense items.