How do you set boundaries?

amother

Thu, Aug 06 2020, 10:19 am

My 7 year-old daughter, recently became good friends with a neighbor. I'm happy about it because that's really needed a friend. The problem is the friend comes over whenever she wants, and it's starting to be too much.

For example, she shows up every morning when she's ready to go to camp except we are not ready to go and I told her numerous times not to come in the morning but she still keeps on coming. She'll sit by my house and wait until her parents pick her up to take her to camp. However, my daughter goes to a different camp and I'm not ready by the time she shows up in the morning...my mornings are very stressful and it's getting to be to much to have an extra kid around.

Example number two. She has come over, knocked on the door, and says my mother's waiting in the driveway come to my house now. My daughter is very happy to go to her house, and it's just across the street. However, I don't like that her parents take her over and wait for her in the driveway as if expecting my daughter to go every time.

Example number three. Numerous times she comes over, and says my parents says I should stay here for 10 minutes 15 minutes 20 minutes whatever it is, and then I see her parents drive away but they don't even ask me. So I'm stuck with her, and I don't always mind but sometimes I was not planning on being home. Another thing is, my daughter happened have not been home some of those times but I was still stuck watching her.

How do I make boundaries so that my daughter still plays with her, but she doesn't just show up whenever she wants.

I don't mind if she comes to my house, but it also has to be it at a time that my daughter could actually play and I can have her in my house. I also don't really like having my daughter out of the house sometimes at the time she goes there. like she'll come to my house, and want to wait around while I serve supper ( this is after 7:00 at night) and I've told her I would rather if she leaves, but she just doesn't.

How can I call her mother, or text her mother in a nice way?

amother

Thu, Aug 06 2020, 10:38 am

dankbar wrote:

When she knocks at your door & it's not a convenient time for you, you can tell the girl that now your Dd is not available, maybe she can come back after school.

Also tell her to call on the phone, before coming over to check if it's a good time.

I tried that but usually my kids get the door first and then she says her parents told her to come or some excuse and when I say it doesn't work for us she just sits outside my door. I told her numerous times to tell her parents to call before but it doesn't help and her parents are a little out to lunch.

silverlining3

Thu, Aug 06 2020, 11:06 am

I know it's tough cuz you don't wanna come across as the bad one.

-In the morning, tell your neighbor, dd (name) isn't ready yet, she'll come out when she is. You can either wait outside in front of door or at home, and gently close the door.

-When I'm not avail to open, I yell to kids, don't open. I learnt, I don't always have to be available for the person at the door. And even if you do open, but you don't want your kid to go that moment, tell her...!

-The being 'dropped off' without notice, don't know what to tell you! It's kind of irresponsible, but seems like she's taking advantage of your not ever saying anything.

Good luck

amother

Thu, Aug 06 2020, 12:11 pm

silverlining3 wrote:

I know it's tough cuz you don't wanna come across as the bad one.

Exactly

-In the morning, tell your neighbor, dd (name) isn't ready yet, she'll come out when she is. You can either wait outside in front of door or at home, and gently close the door.

I have tried this but dd always "feels bad" and wants to go out. I have tried this approach and it got very uncomfortable since my door is open most in the morning and my kids are generally in and out...and she just literally sat there calling from the door.

-When I'm not avail to open, I yell to kids, don't open. I learnt, I don't always have to be available for the person at the door. And even if you do open, but you don't want your kid to go that moment, tell her...!

I do the same usually and I have tried explaining to DD that she needs to ask me before she goes across the street. And I also told her, that if the door is closed she needs to ask me if she can open it. The problem is she's so excited over her new friend she is on a rush to open the door always.

-The being 'dropped off' without notice, don't know what to tell you! It's kind of irresponsible, but seems like she's taking advantage of your not ever saying anything.

So usually the father's home with the kids. The mother works a lot of hours. I have tried telling the girl that she has to have her father call me before doing that. I will probably have to tell the father myself but it's just uncomfortable. They're also with babysitters a lot. Last week I put up a big kiddie pool, and before I know what she came with her bathing suit telling me she's going in the pool. I told her she can go in if her father comes and watches her the entire time. Her father did come, as did her brother who's a little bit of a hard child. The father was here part of the time not the whole time but it was very stressful.

Good luck

amother

Mint

Thu, Aug 06 2020, 12:26 pm

OP, you need to communicate with the parents and not with the child. 7 is a bit too young to get boundaries with neighbors, especially when her parents don't enforce it. If she shows up without notice, tell her to go back home and be firm about it. Don't feel bad, it's not your problem.
My neighbors son constantly shows up at my door when coming home from school that his mom isn't home and she said he should come to my house. I've told the mother countless times that I don't mind doing it once in a while but she needs to call me first. Her answer was "why do I need to call you if you're anyways home?" Since then, whenever the boy knocks, I don't let him in and I tell him to go home and call his mother. He can wander the streets for an hour till his mom shows up.

watergirl

Thu, Aug 06 2020, 1:30 pm

amother [ Mint ] wrote:

This sounds like the person yesterday on the carpool thread wondering why it bothered OP to drive someone to and from work if she was going there anyway.

OP, I am echoing those who said you need to suck it up and talk to the mother and father directly. Not just to one parent, but to both, so you know they both got the message. I guess the good part is that they DO reciprocate and your daughter goes to their house also. Be clear.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Aug 06 2020, 1:40 pm

OP, the kids are 7. You are the adult here, and it's time to do some adulting.

As everyone else said, you need to talk to the parents, and you need to be CRYSTAL CLEAR.

Another thing, it's really scaring me that you let little kids open the door. Never let them do that! You don't know who's on the other side of the door, and even if you do, it's just not a good idea to let kids have that kind of control over who comes into your home.

Stranger: Hello little girl! Your mommy called me to come over and fix your sink. Can I come in?

Girl: Sure! Mommy, the sink man is here!

Mom: !!! Surprised

I never called a plumber. What is a stranger doing in my house? (quickly calls 911 and hustles all the kids out the back door.)

amother

Thu, Aug 06 2020, 2:26 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

I never called a plumber. What is a stranger doing in my house? (quickly calls 911 and hustles all the kids out the back door.)

We have 10 cameras. My kids never open without checking them.

My kids are generally clingy and usually ask me before they go anywhere. With my other kids I give them strict times to come home and they don't go in others houses unless I make sure it's ok.

amother

Thu, Aug 06 2020, 2:27 pm

amother [ Mint ] wrote:

I do need to. I need a nice way of telling them....I am not food with that.

amother

Burgundy

Thu, Aug 06 2020, 2:30 pm

amother [ Mint ] wrote:

I used to have this with a neighbor. She knew I was waiting for my sons bus every day anyway so she wouldn’t rush home assuming I would take the kid until she gets back. It would be more than an hour sometimes and the kid was beyond undisciplined. her attitude sucked and after three times of this **** I stopped taking the child off the bus. I ignored the honking and let the driver and the mom figure it out. After a few weeks of this she started coming home on time. That was the end.
I don’t mind doing this favor once in a while but when someone assumes skimt zich then and they don’t even bother thanking you or anything, then no. Just no.

amother

Thu, Aug 06 2020, 2:30 pm

[quote="watergirl"]This sounds like the person yesterday on the carpool thread wondering why it bothered OP to drive someone to and from work if she was going there anyway.

OP, I am echoing those who said you need to suck it up and talk to the mother and father directly. Not just to one parent, but to both, so you know they both got the message. I guess the good part is that they DO reciprocate and your daughter goes to their house also. Be clear.[/

So they don't seem to mind if my daughter goes to their house, even if it's at inconvenience time. I don't let my daughter just knock on her daughter's door, unless I text first then make sure it's okay. I also don't allow my daughter to cross the street alone, so I'm always with her when she goes. My other kids go to friends all the time, but I never had this issue. The one time my son wanted to someone's house in the morning. I was very annoyed that he actually went inside, and I called the mother afterwards to apologize. But that was also somebody that goes to their house all the time and I have an ongoing thing with the mother that it's okay. I just would never send my kid in the morning. I also would never send my kid without telling them that I'm coming to pick them up soon.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Aug 06 2020, 2:53 pm

chocolatecake wrote:

I am not sure talking to the parents will do much in this situation.

My kids knock on neighbors doors and plenty of times they are sent home that its not a good time.

When the kid comes to your door you can nicely tell her that its not a good time and please dont sit on my steps please go back to your house and come a different time.

THIS!

OP, just (nicely) say "NO".

I had a friend with a large family, and when the little ones got under her feet too much, I'd find them on my doorstep. I let them in a couple of times because I wanted them to play with my dog and learn how to be safe around strange dogs. After that though, it started to become a habit. These weren't even friends of DD's. The kids were 2 and 4, and they walked a couple of blocks to get to me!

I told them to tell their mother that I like it when they visit, but they need to get their mom to call me first and make sure that I'm not busy.

They never showed up unannounced again.

Sweet kids, and I loved babysitting them, but not for free, and not at random times during the day!

(Another issue, at first the whole mishpacha of kids would show up, so I had to make a rule that I could only handle two at a time.)