Given food you don’t like— what’s right to do?

amother

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 7:09 pm

I was a guest this Shabbos at a couple who recently became frum. Now, I can eat until I explode and generally find all kinds of food really good, but was given something that I tasted and I became so nauseous. I don’t think it was cooked thoroughly and had no clue what to do except eat my portion and smile through it. I certainly didn’t want to embarrass my hosts, especially because keeping Shabbos is very new to them and I didn’t want to ruin it.

But my stomach is still turning and I’ve been to the bathroom more times than I can count.

ra_mom

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 7:12 pm

I am so sorry! Refuah Shelaima.
What would I do? Probably try to push my food around and take little nibbles or bring the fork to my mouth?
I hope you feel better soon!

P.S. My mom always says don't eat something that tastes off to you. If everybody else says it tastes fine and you think it's off, that's your body's way of saying it can't handle it (even if other people can).

Last edited by ra_mom on Sun, Aug 09 2020, 7:14 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Linen

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 7:13 pm

My husband would mash it or try to make it look eaten.
I tell people before that I don't eat fish, veal & lamb. If they serve something that else I don't like, I'll either pass or say I'm not too hungry and just have a little.
Side note, as a host: this is why I prefer serving buffet style, so everyone feels comfortable to eat whatever and how much they want to.

avrahamama

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 7:21 pm

I remember walking home from my aunt's house. She's not frum but insists her kitchen is kosher. One of my cousins didn't want to offend her. So he hid the chicken in his pocket 🤣

I remember we were walking home and I said "wow it still smells like chicken" and he pulled a drumstick out of his pocket to throw in the garbage.

amother

Firebrick

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 7:31 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I once had spoiled liver at my in laws. I was gagging into the garbage. I called my husband over quietly and he insisted on telling his mother and she was happy I said something so she could throw it out. She didn’t want anyone else to have the spoiled food! Did everyone else think it was fine? I don’t think you have to eat everything on your plate. If it was so bad that I couldn’t swallow it, I’d go to the bathroom to spit it out.

amother

Mon, Aug 10 2020, 10:40 am

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

It was just 5 of us. No one else reacted so I thought it was just me and kept quiet. If the couple were close friends, I would’ve said something. But I’ve only known them for about a month, and that’s really only from seeing the wife at shul.

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Aug 10 2020, 10:54 am

When we get invited, I always say “oh you don’t want have me. I’m the pickiest eater!” And then they insist. And then I come anyway. If the food is yuck, then I’m covered. If the food is good, I’ll pick 1 or 2 dishes to stick with and be like “omg! How did you know! This is literally the only thing I eat!”
(It ends up always working out because I’m a pretty picky eater in general anyway 😉)

DrMom

Mon, Aug 10 2020, 10:56 am

Food you don't like is different than food which is dangerous to eat because it is spoiled or undercooked.

Don't do anything to compromise your health.

Eat salads and sides if the main dish does not agree with you.

amother

Goldenrod

Mon, Aug 10 2020, 11:13 am

It's one thing for food to not be to your liking taste wise but it's quite another to get an upset stomach from bad food. I recently had a guest who didn't like my challah (it actually was challah my friend baked and I took out of the freezer, but whatever) and he insisted on bringing him bread rolls instead. He ended up eating so many that we had none left for lechem mishneh the following morning. And that was a matter of taste (which personally I didn't understand). If the food turned your stomach I wouldn't say it outright but I wouldn't eat any to make my hosts feel better either.

watergirl

Mon, Aug 10 2020, 1:13 pm

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

There is no need to eat food you don't like. Not everyone has the same preferences.

Bingo. And this is why I hate when I am handed a plated meal when I am a guest. Please, allow me to decide what to put on my plate. Do not plate the meal for me in the kitchen (I know people like to do this because they like the look of the fancy put together presentation). Let the guest chose what to eat. This eliminates embarrassment on the part of the guest who leaves something untouched, embarrassment on the part of the host who has hurt feelings that the food was not eaten, and eliminates food waste.

amother [ Khaki ] wrote:

What's funny or even mildly amusing about that? If you don't like something, don't eat it.

RIGHT! Decline if offered to you. If its on the table family style, just don't put it on your plate. Why waste food? The rest has to be tossed.

I, for one, will try a bite and if I really can not eat it, I don't.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Aug 10 2020, 1:29 pm

I've been lucky. My hosts have always asked me 1. about allergies, and 2. foods I don't like. (Liver and bell peppers. I just can't!)

If I think something is spoiled, I might pull the hostess aside, or not. It depends on a lot of things. I definitely wouldn't eat it. I'd enjoy the salads, and then eat something more substantial when I got home.

If I'm offered something directly, I'll try to find a gentle way to decline. "Wow, that looks great. It's too bad it doesn't agree with me." Or "No thank you. I must be the only Jew in the world who doesn't like Yerushalami kugel (or whatever it is.)" Or "I know, it's weird. My taste buds have a mind of their own."

In other words, don't make it about the food being horrible, make it about personal taste, and be just a drop apologetic about it. Nobody can be offended by that.

BH Yom Yom

Mon, Aug 10 2020, 1:32 pm

Totally agree about not plating food for guests!! It can put such pressure on people to eat something they may not like.

When I take a small amount of something to try it, and it’s not my taste or my body says no, I stop eating it. Of course, the dynamic can get even more uncomfortable when the hostess asks “why didn’t you take more?” Just no. Please don’t comment on what I am or am not eating.

A friend of mine is in recovery from an ED and it triggers her MAJORLY when people comment on her food choices.

Hope this isn’t too awkward but when I notice one person at the table commenting on what another person is or isn’t eating, I try to engage the “commenter” in another topic of discussion. Doesn’t always work though. Any tips on how to do it naturally so it doesn’t look too obvious?

BH Yom Yom

Mon, Aug 10 2020, 1:34 pm

amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:

This is brilliant! Good advice.

BH Yom Yom

Mon, Aug 10 2020, 1:34 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Like these ideas too.

amother

Oak

Mon, Aug 10 2020, 1:44 pm

I have a friend who hates liver. When we were in seminary, if we ate by someone who served liver, I would eat mine and she would slowly eat her challah and as soon as I was finished, she would quickly switch our plates so that I could eat her liver too.
I happen to love liver so I didn't mind but it was hard not to laugh when she did it.

amother

Papaya

Mon, Aug 10 2020, 1:59 pm

I usually take a few bites and mash the rest around. If it is edible kind of then I try to finish it. I would never do that with something I suspected was spoiled, though.

This past Purim we were invited to do the seuda at the rav's house, which worked out perfectly because there's no way I could've stood the smell of cooking our own food at that point (I had to put up with the smell of food, but that would've been at our house too.) So we get there and there is this fish that I do not want to even touch, no way. Luckily my toddler was on my lap, so we just shared a plate and I hoped no one would notice that it wasn't me eating the fish since we took seconds, I hardly touched anything myself but kept quite busy regardless. I had a bit of challah and a bit of two of the salads and then some rice thing. No one said anything and I thought I was covered until the rav's mother came over to me with the rice dish and said, "Here, if that's the only thing you're going to eat, take some more." Um, oops. I wonder if she guessed, I felt really bad....
Usually I love their food, it is always really good, so I really felt bad about offending them.

amother

Papaya

Mon, Aug 10 2020, 2:01 pm

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

LOL that is hilarious.