Bar mitzvah money - bochur or parents?

amother

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 10:06 am

My husband made a comment in passing the other day that he hopes that some of the monetary bar mitzvah gifts that my son will iyH receive will help cover the costs of the bar mitzvah. I was surprised to hear that bc I always thought that the money that the bochur receives in gifts is his to do what he wants with it. My husband was very much of the opinion that it usually goes to the parents to help cover the costs.

What is the correct approach? We are genuinely open to hearing - we are both new to this as it is our first bar mitzvah iyH. It may be a cultural thing my husband grew up in a sefardi Israeli family and I grew up in the US - not sure if the customs are different?

Thank you all for helping out with this!

amother

Linen

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 10:09 am

It goes to the boy. It's gifted to him, not to the parents. If people would want to help with Bar Mitzvah costs, they'd give the money directly to you. If you need help covering the costs, make a simple Bar Mitzvah within your means. Same as wedding gift money goes to the couple.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 10:18 am

Maybe the OPs husband is part of this group of people.

Dh told me that some of his coworkers take all their kids money. Even if the kids have a job. They say that they provide their kids with all their needs and anyone they make goes towards marrying them off.

Some girls work in the summer. Some girls are making alot of money from unemployment now. The parents take it all

I dont comprehend this mentality, just wanted to mention that it's out there.

amother

Linen

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 10:20 am

amother [ Papaya ] wrote:

This is stealing from the kids, it's not right or allowed. It's like they're exploiting their kids for money.

amother

Black

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 10:33 am

SuperWify wrote:

Does wedding money go to the parents? It’s the same thing.

Well, in many circles in Israel (most??) the wedding money goes to cover the wedding. If you want to say that is going to the parents, then so be it.

People actually gives checks by estimating how much it will cost to cover their plate.

Again all cultural.

amother

Honeydew

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 10:36 am

The nerve.
My father used to take all my money too. I got married with a deficit in the bank because of how he messed me up.
Money that the child earned is THE CHILDS.
if you think he’ll listen to a rav go or call a rav TOGETHER so you can hear how the question is phrased.

amother

Maroon

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 10:39 am

When I first got married, and my husband and I discussed our financial situation, I disclosed how much money I had in the bank. When he said he didn't have any , I asked him what happened to his bar-mitzvah money, since I knew that his parents had made him a lavish bar-mitzvah. He said he didn't know what happened to it. Obviously, his parents never gave it to him. I was stunned, since my parents, who didn't have much money, allowed my 3 brothers to keep the gifts they received.

amother

Goldenrod

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 10:47 am

My son (this summer) got about $800 total (yes, we don't run in high rolling circles) and used about $650 to buy a silver menora, after giving maaser he now has about $60 left which he will probably spend on video games Very Happy

. We encouraged him to use the money for a menorah (actually when people asked what to give we told them just give whatever you'd like towards the menorah) because we wanted him to use it for something that would last him a long time. It's not like he got thousands of dollars and we could invest it for him to buy a house one day.

My inlaws actually gave us a check that they said specifically was to help cover the costs of the bar mitzva celebration. This was totally unexpected. We had been budgeting very carefully for it assuming we were paying for completely on our own. (We do NOT go into debt over simchos, actually we strongly believe the only acceptabe debt is a low interest mortgage)
We would never have dreamed of taking the money to use to cover the kiddush/shabbos or family party!

essie14

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 10:49 am

Totally cultural. In many sefardi Israeli circles, gifts to any party (wedding, bar mitzvah, brit milah) go to cover the cost of the party. the guests know that.

When we made our DS's bar mitzvah my in laws gave us a check to help with the party and they gave DS a gift.
We gave all the monetary gifts to DS.

Elfrida

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 10:57 am

In Israel.it is very customary to 'pay for the plate'.

I appreciated the way my friends dealt with it, and plan to so the same. They are English, but their children are all Israeli, and to some extent they combined both customs.

They sat with the boy and totalled up how much had been given. First they calculated ma'aser, and the Bar Mitzvah boy was allowed to choose which tzedaka it would go to.

The rest was divided into three.

One third went to help pay for the Bar Mitzvah. In practice the parents took it, but the boy understood that a Bar Mitzvah party costs money, and he helped contribute towards the costs.

One third he had to put in the bank, for whatever it might used for in the future - teaching them the importance of saving.

The final third they were allowed to spend on what they wanted, but it was some significant purchase that they wouldn't normally be able to afford, not just frittered away. I remember one of their boys bought a guitar. I don't remember about the rest. Any change left after that was allowed to be frittered.

So the boy learnt about the value of money, about saving and about spending. He felt a degree of pride that he had contributed to the cost of the event, but he was also able to get something for himself, and have a little in the bank for the future.

amother

Yellow

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 10:59 am

amother [ Linen ] wrote:

This is stealing from the kids, it's not right or allowed. It's like they're exploiting their kids for money.

I think "stealing from kids" is a bit too strong of a phrase.
It really depends on the circumstances and what exactly is happening.
When I worked, all my money went into my own account. A good friend of mine grew up in a very happy but very poor home. She went to work straight out of school and knew that she's earning money to pay for her wedding - just like her sisters did. She was not resentful at all but understood that her parents couldn't do it on their own. The money wasn't going to repaint the parent's house or pay their vacation. It went for her own wedding.
So of course parents should not take money from a bar mitzvah boy when they can afford to pay for the simcha. But if they are struggling and simply cannot cover the cost, I wouldn't be so quick to label that "stealing." They can discuss it beforehand: "Would you want a home-cooked bar mitzvah in our dining room, or a more respectable bar mitzvah in a small hall, but we'll need the help of your bar mitzvah money to cover it?"
It is not easy to be in a situation like this and I wouldn't add to the parents' pain by saying they're stealing. If they can afford the simcha, of course it's a whole different matter.

amother

Black

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 11:00 am

essie14 wrote:

Totally cultural. In many sefardi Israeli circles, gifts to any party (wedding, bar mitzvah, brit milah) go to cover the cost of the party. the guests know that.

.

It's actually standard Israeli culture, regardless of eida. Secular and dati leumi ashkenazim do the same (and anyway, so many marriages here are 'mixed').

Charedim may do it differently though, even in Israel.

amother

Linen

Sun, Aug 16 2020, 11:04 am

amother [ Yellow ] wrote:

This makes all the difference, she knew her money is going towards her wedding costs. For parents just to take the money is stealing.
I also think a Bar Mitzvah is different. If parents can't afford a Bar Mitzvah unless they're using the boys gift money, they should make a Bar Mitzvah within their means. I wonder if the people giving the money would give if they knew it's going to the parents.