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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Teenagers and Older children
Does bar mitzvah monetary gifts go to the bochur or to the parents to help cover the costs of the simcha?
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| Parents |
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| bochur |
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[ 157 ] |
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| Total Votes : 162 |
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#BestBubby
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 Sun, Aug 16 2020, 12:20 pm
I think per halachah, it belongs to the parents because they are supporting the bochur.
But the minhag is to allow the bar mitzvah boy to keep the money.
If the bar mitzvah boy wants a Fancier Bar Mitzvah than the parents, then the parents
should ask the bar mitzvah boy to pay the difference. Maybe he will decide he doesn't
need the "extras" if he has to pay for it.
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amother
Cerise
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Sun, Aug 16 2020, 12:25 pm
| amother [ Linen ] wrote: | This makes all the difference, she knew her money is going towards her wedding costs. For parents just to take the money is stealing.
I also think a Bar Mitzvah is different. If parents can't afford a Bar Mitzvah unless they're using the boys gift money, they should make a Bar Mitzvah within their means. I wonder if the people giving the money would give if they knew it's going to the parents. | Why does it matter whether it’s going to pay for her wedding or to pay for her food and shelter? Any money I ever made before I got married went to my parents. They never had money for extras and they needed every dollar they could get to scrape by. They paid for my wedding and helped me pay my rent for the first couple of years after I got married, so in the long run they “paid” it all back, plus some more.
I don’t think it’s fair to say parents steal from their child when 5hey fully support their child with food, clothing, tuition, and everything else 5hey need (or want). If a child is old enough to earn their own money, they’re old enough to contribute towards household expenses.
Of course, if parents are well off, they should allow the kid to keep it. But even then, to say they’re stealing it, is just wrong.
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Ema of 5
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Sun, Aug 16 2020, 12:34 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | My husband made a comment in passing the other day that he hopes that some of the monetary bar mitzvah gifts that my son will iyH receive will help cover the costs of the bar mitzvah. I was surprised to hear that bc I always thought that the money that the bochur receives in gifts is his to do what he wants with it. My husband was very much of the opinion that it usually goes to the parents to help cover the costs.
What is the correct approach? We are genuinely open to hearing - we are both new to this as it is our first bar mitzvah iyH. It may be a cultural thing my husband grew up in a sefardi Israeli family and I grew up in the US - not sure if the customs are different?
Thank you all for helping out with this! |
Money goes to the boy. The physical cash or check may be given to the parents, but only for safe keeping. It is not meant to be used by the parents.
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amother
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Sun, Aug 16 2020, 12:35 pm
| amother [ Cerise ] wrote: | Why does it matter whether it’s going to pay for her wedding or to pay for her food and shelter? Any money I ever made before I got married went to my parents. They never had money for extras and they needed every dollar they could get to scrape by. They paid for my wedding and helped me pay my rent for the first couple of years after I got married, so in the long run they “paid” it all back, plus some more.
I don’t think it’s fair to say parents steal from their child when 5hey fully support their child with food, clothing, tuition, and everything else 5hey need (or want). If a child is old enough to earn their own money, they’re old enough to contribute towards household expenses.
Of course, if parents are well off, they should allow the kid to keep it. But even then, to say they’re stealing it, is just wrong. |
Agree with this.
I wrote about my friend before. Not sure her working money went into a separate account for her wedding, or it was an arrangement like you describe. They took her money for wtva, and later paid that much plus more for her wedding.
Regarding another comment, if I know a bar mitzvah boy's parents can't afford the bar mitzvah without using the money he receives, why in the world would I mind that they take it? I would feel good knowing I helped a poor family to make a decent bar mitzvah for their son!
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amother
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Sun, Aug 16 2020, 12:36 pm
| amother [ Cerise ] wrote: | Why does it matter whether it’s going to pay for her wedding or to pay for her food and shelter? Any money I ever made before I got married went to my parents. They never had money for extras and they needed every dollar they could get to scrape by. They paid for my wedding and helped me pay my rent for the first couple of years after I got married, so in the long run they “paid” it all back, plus some more.
I don’t think it’s fair to say parents steal from their child when 5hey fully support their child with food, clothing, tuition, and everything else 5hey need (or want). If a child is old enough to earn their own money, they’re old enough to contribute towards household expenses.
Of course, if parents are well off, they should allow the kid to keep it. But even then, to say they’re stealing it, is just wrong. |
If a girl knows and agrees that the money she earns from working will go towards her wedding, that's normal. We're talking here about parents taking money that was gifted to the child for their own use, that's stealing. It's not the same as the money you're earning going towards your own wedding expenses. This is a gift to the boy that the parents are taking for themselves.
I actually think it’s not right for all money that kids ever earned to go to the parents. It's the parents responsibility to support the household, not the kids responsibility. Parents should not be counting on their children to contribute to household expenses, that's irresponsible and maybe even dysfunctional.
A kid can choose to give parents their earnings, but parents have no right to just take the money, that is stealing.
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amother
Turquoise
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Sun, Aug 16 2020, 12:41 pm
DH grew up with very little money. His parents made him a bar mitzva and then took the money to pay for it. He feels a little resentful that they didn’t ask him what he’d like, and instead just threw the party and took the money.
If it’s really out of your means, you should discuss the options with your son.
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amother
Lime
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Sun, Aug 16 2020, 12:42 pm
I really think it goes to the boy, but I guess different cultures have different cultural rules.
I know one cousin of mine takes their kids money, so I make sure to gift them actual gifts vs checks. I was actually invited to a bar mitzvah next week that I was going to give a check to the boy but now I'm rethinking it due to this thread.
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amother
Aquamarine
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Sun, Aug 16 2020, 12:58 pm
| amother [ Lime ] wrote: | I really think it goes to the boy, but I guess different cultures have different cultural rules.
I know one cousin of mine takes their kids money, so I make sure to gift them actual gifts vs checks. I was actually invited to a bar mitzvah next week that I was going to give a check to the boy but now I'm rethinking it due to this thread. |
You could always do a gift card to a specific store.
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amother
Burgundy
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Sun, Aug 16 2020, 12:59 pm
I worked in an office that had a lot of very yeshivish and Chassidish girls and woman marrying off kids already. Those girls mostly gave all their money they earned working to their parents. On the flip side tho the chassidish kids were getting married off with tons of furniture and housewares and the yeshivish girls were promised 5 plus years of support. Their money was essentially being right back to them but as support or furniture.
My husband also got married with nothing. I asked him where his bar mitzva money was. He told me his parents took it to cover the event and he went to Israel with his father.
My husband and old office were all Brooklyn.
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amother
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Sun, Aug 16 2020, 1:13 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | My husband made a comment in passing the other day that he hopes that some of the monetary bar mitzvah gifts that my son will iyH receive will help cover the costs of the bar mitzvah. I was surprised to hear that bc I always thought that the money that the bochur receives in gifts is his to do what he wants with it. My husband was very much of the opinion that it usually goes to the parents to help cover the costs.
What is the correct approach? We are genuinely open to hearing - we are both new to this as it is our first bar mitzvah iyH. It may be a cultural thing my husband grew up in a sefardi Israeli family and I grew up in the US - not sure if the customs are different?
Thank you all for helping out with this! |
Your husbands idea is selfish and wrong! Parents foot the bill for the simcha, no guest gives a gift intending it to offset the cost of the simcha! It’s a gift for the boy!
Does he also believe that wedding gifts should go to the parents to offset what they pay for the child’s wedding?
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amother
Vermilion
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Sun, Aug 16 2020, 1:15 pm
Of course it goes to the Bar Mitzva boy!!
Parents can mek him save it till he reaches 20 lets say, so he doesnt waste it, but its totally his!
No deudction for cost of party, thats out of parents pocket.
Israeli or american - its always a gift for the boy!
If I thought parents would take it, I would not give!
Boy should be happy to start some saving in his life, start dreaming, learn value of save for later.
Totally inappropriate for parents to take!
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essie14
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Sun, Aug 16 2020, 2:22 pm
| amother [ Olive ] wrote: | Your husbands idea is selfish and wrong! Parents foot the bill for the simcha, no guest gives a gift intending it to offset the cost of the simcha! It’s a gift for the boy!
Does he also believe that wedding gifts should go to the parents to offset what they pay for the child’s wedding? |
Yes, in his culture this is the norm.
The wedding gifts pay for the wedding.
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mommy3b2c
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Sun, Aug 16 2020, 2:28 pm
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My sons bar mitzvah money went straight into his account. I think we let him keep $100. I think it’s very wrong for the parents to take the money.
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amother
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Sun, Aug 16 2020, 2:48 pm
| amother [ Vermilion ] wrote: | Of course it goes to the Bar Mitzva boy!!
Parents can mek him save it till he reaches 20 lets say, so he doesnt waste it, but its totally his!
No deudction for cost of party, thats out of parents pocket.
Israeli or american - its always a gift for the boy!
If I thought parents would take it, I would not give!
Boy should be happy to start some saving in his life, start dreaming, learn value of save for later.
Totally inappropriate for parents to take! |
Do you have any experience with Israeli non-haredi culture? Or with other cultures?
This thread is a perfect example of how ethno-centric some Americans are.
Americans who are not aware of this - there are other cultures out there and other norms. The laws of writing a check for a bar mitzvah are not Torah mi'Sinai.
The husband is Israeli, op said. He grew up with different norms.
OP- where do you live now? The US or Israel or elsewhere? What is the norm in your community? That is what I would follow. That is most fair to the guests (in Israel they know the checks are going straight to cover the plate; in the US they know it is going to the young couple or the boy) and most fair to the bar mitzvah boy or wedding couple.
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amother
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Sun, Aug 16 2020, 2:51 pm
| amother [ Orange ] wrote: | | Bar Mitzvah money is the boy's. It is put away for the boy. He then eventually uses it to buy his kallah an engagement ring. |
Huh?? Who says??
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amother
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Sun, Aug 16 2020, 2:56 pm
| amother [ Orange ] wrote: | | Bar Mitzvah money is the boy's. It is put away for the boy. He then eventually uses it to buy his kallah an engagement ring. |
You do know that in many circles, a 'boy' actually works and earns his own money and buys his kallah engagement and wedding rings from that?
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amother
Jetblack
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Sun, Aug 16 2020, 4:21 pm
NOTE TO SELF, AND ALL,
if you don’t want parents keeping their kids money, buy a gift.
It just bothers me when parents spend money that the kid doesn’t give a d about ( flowers, wig ,fancy tablecloth ,new fancy dresses for the entire family) and then take it for their own ego.
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amother
Brunette
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Sun, Aug 16 2020, 4:41 pm
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If the money goes to pay for the simcha, and the amount we're supposed to give is what the caterer charged for our food, we'll stay home and call it even.
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amother
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Sun, Aug 16 2020, 5:06 pm
Some people give the boy seforim or other gifts and some who can’t decide what to buy, give money as their gift.
It is not like paying for your own wedding with your own money.
It is a birthday gift for the birthday boy.
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amother
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Sun, Aug 16 2020, 5:10 pm
| amother [ Linen ] wrote: | If a girl knows and agrees that the money she earns from working will go towards her wedding, that's normal. We're talking here about parents taking money that was gifted to the child for their own use, that's stealing. It's not the same as the money you're earning going towards your own wedding expenses. This is a gift to the boy that the parents are taking for themselves.
I actually think it’s not right for all money that kids ever earned to go to the parents. It's the parents responsibility to support the household, not the kids responsibility. Parents should not be counting on their children to contribute to household expenses, that's irresponsible and maybe even dysfunctional.
A kid can choose to give parents their earnings, but parents have no right to just take the money, that is stealing. |
Spoken like a very rich girl. How lucky you are not to know poverty.
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