How much do parents contribute to marrieds for Simcha expens

amother

Mon, Aug 31 2020, 6:33 pm

How much are parents expected to contribute for wedding expenses?

I know the amount varies, but if parents want to help, but don’t want to provide hair makeup gowns suits wigs etc for each family.

I know some parents pay for EVERYTHING, but that’s not on the table..

ETA:
This is from a parents perspective.

thunderstorm

Mon, Aug 31 2020, 6:37 pm

I never expected anything and I never received any help when I had to siblings weddings and aside for one family member who is very enmeshed with her family, I don’t know anyone else that had her parents pay those expenses. I didn’t realize that it is common. I only thought the children that have DHs in kollel expect parents to help them with those expenses. I guess I live under a rock.

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Aug 31 2020, 6:48 pm

I expect nothing unless they have expectations that are beyond my budget. I'm perfectly happy to pay for my gown, kids' clothing, sheital done, etc. But if that's not good enough--if the gown and kids' outfits need to be super fancy, if they want my sheital in all styled up, if they expect me to wear makeup, then yeah, that's going to require them kicking in some funds to make that happen.

amother

Mon, Aug 31 2020, 6:53 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

So let’s say the children are not in kollel anymore, so not officially supported each month, but Simcha’s are a lot more than their everyday expenses.

Does it make a difference if it’s sons or daughters?

amother

Ginger

Mon, Aug 31 2020, 6:59 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It makes no difference if the children are sons or daughters, are in kollel or working, or rich or poor. The parents are not expected to pay anything. It's up to the children to live within their means, and that includes preparing for a simcha too.

If the parents offer, they deserve only gratitude and many thanks - and you graciously accept whatever it is they offer.

On the other hand, the parents cannot ask of you to extend yourself beyond your means to meet certain standards. If they want to you meet a certain standard, you can respectfully say that you're unable to afford it and ask them if they're willing to assist you in meeting those standards.

amother

Peach

Mon, Aug 31 2020, 7:04 pm

amother [ Ginger ] wrote:

Perfectly said.
From a parent who helped with makeup, hair and babysitting

keym

Mon, Aug 31 2020, 7:06 pm

I don't think the parents are EXPECTED to help at all, though if they want to give, I'm sure it's appreciated.
However, the parents should make sure they don't have any expectations in return. If only the daughter comes without sil or grandchildren, if gowns aren't a specific color or style, etc.
In other words if the parents are going to insist on a specific color or even a gown as opposed to a nice dress, they should pay for that. If the parents are going to insist on specific attendance, then they should pay for clothing, travel, hotel, etc of those they require to show up.

amother

Mon, Aug 31 2020, 7:10 pm

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

Perfectly said.
From a parent who helped with makeup, hair and babysitting

But I’m asking this from the parents perspective.

Expected was obviously the wrong word.

I’m trying to figure out what to do.

amother

Blue

Mon, Aug 31 2020, 7:12 pm

I was very upset with my in laws for demanding we all buy and have a gown made with a specific fabric/color to my sil wedding. Dh and I were struggling and the cost was overwhelming. We basically told my in laws that I was happy to look into gemach or buy a cheap dress in aprox same color or they need to help pitch in. My in laws freaked out but begrudgingly gave some money in installments towards the cost. Of course they made each giving of an installment beyond miserable. But they got the "perfect family" look to show off to everyone. Confused

amother

Ginger

Mon, Aug 31 2020, 7:14 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

But I’m asking this from the parents perspective.

Expected was obviously the wrong word.

I’m trying to figure out what to do.

There is no one answer for your question. Every parent will have a different perspective, depending on their own unique situation. You do what works for you. You need to decide what you can afford, and to what extent you want to extend yourself. You also need to consider how often you will have such occasions. What you do for one, will lend to some expectations in the future.

amother

Yellow

Mon, Aug 31 2020, 7:24 pm

If you asking what did other people do: my parents are middle income (by frum standards) my mother booked makeup for everyone and paid for that. And have each of us something towards our Gowns. We were on our own for hair, men’s clothing and children. We (the kids) are all self sufficient but not well off.

amother

White

Mon, Aug 31 2020, 7:25 pm

If you care what they look like and will complain about their choice of dresses/suits/makeup/hair, sponsor the kind you like. If you don't care what color/ style they wear and that they look perfect by your standards, nothing is required, but it's nice to offer to buy/ pay for a bit.

But don't insist on a specific $300 new gown for each girl and expect them to foot the bill.

ETA that it'll depend a lot on family size. I grew up in a smaller family so it wasn't a huge deal for my parents to pay for clothes for 3 small grandkids and gowns for 2 daughters.

Last edited by amother on Mon, Aug 31 2020, 7:27 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Peach

Mon, Aug 31 2020, 7:26 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

But I’m asking this from the parents perspective.

Expected was obviously the wrong word.

I’m trying to figure out what to do.

As I wrote. I am the parent. I paid for makeup, hair and my dds babysat on Sheva brachos nights. I did not demand any colour scheme or specifics. One dd wanted a certain makeup artist who was more expensive than I was willing to pay. I told her she could pay the difference. One Mechataunister Paid for her kids/ grandkids gowns bec She wanted them in matching.
If you can help them, beautiful
If you can’t then please don’t demand or request colours, styles or anything.
Babysitting And makeup is something that most parents help with as that is costly.
If you are going to a hotel for part of the simcha I would pay at least part of it.
Of course children who are comfortable with parnassa Should and usually do, tell their parent that help is not necessary
And no it does not make a difference if a ds or dd.
However if the wedding is an in-laws ( your mechutanim are making the simcha) if you want to help your child, and you can afford it, then go ahead. But if money is tight then you can say so, remember it’s not your simcha. I think that is what you are asking.

Hope that answers your question