Nice Parenting Ruining Kids?

ChanieMommy

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 4:33 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I do not beat my children. I've never yelled at my children and I don't run after them like a wild woman. This is where cultural may pose a barrier since I imagine the more modern the less likely to have grown up with corporal punishment whereas I'm pretty confident most of my peers have.

And you enjoyed it ?To be hit by your parents? I was extremely intimidated by it, and I found the scenes I witnessed when my brother was beaten horrific!!!

amother

Purple

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 4:34 pm

amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:

Did you really mean that you use a belt (or other tool) when you apply corporeal punishment?

Omg when I read patch I thought she Slapped their hands. Shocked that OP uses a belt!!! In 2020 don’t we know better??

I’m in my 40s and the sound of my husband taking his belt off at the end of the day stool gives me chills as it reminds me of when my dad took off his belt to (very very rarely) slap me with it. It may have been 5 times over my childhood but that sound.....

OP: hopefully you don’t know better. You were raised this way and maybe lead a sheltered life. But it’s not too late to learn and to stop. You’re their MOTHER. Omg I can’t

pause

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 4:34 pm

In today's days, the only way to parent is by having a loving relationship with your children. This does not mean that there are no boundaries or (natural) consequences, but the power you have to raise your children to be mentchen lies in the relationship you have with them.

There's a way to discipline that still respects the child as a person. Corporal punishment does not; it instills fear.

The opposite of authoritian parenting is permissive parenting. Ideal parenting is neither of the two since they're both based on fear. Ideal parenting is authoritative: conscious, effective, and respectful.

Last edited by pause on Tue, Sep 08 2020, 4:43 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Aqua

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 4:36 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Oh, now it makes sense,
You don’t beat your kids, but you slap them with a belt.( got me scared for a minute)
Sounds beautiful.

amother

Crimson

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 4:46 pm

I'm usually one to be ok with cultural differences. And I have given a slap or two. I even had a traumatizing moment of my own as a child that I managed to replicate with my own child Hashem Yirachem. What happened to me and what I did as a mother years later still haunts me. And I'm working on fixing it.

But a belt. It just seems like more than I can understand.

amother

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 4:47 pm

pause wrote:

Ok so this is where I have guilt because part of me agrees with these sentiments but then the other half feels so strongly that the other way is right. And I'm not talking about abuse chv or bruises or anything wild. That's why I'm wondering if there is a way for a person to ever truly know what is right or explore that? Can a person change something for a chance it may be nicer but then feel wrong because they have strong feelings the other way? Where can I even get information about it?

My post isn't to brag about corporal punishment. I am looking for resources or ways to figure out a path that may not be what I think is right. Not sure I'm making sense.

pause

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 4:47 pm

In case OP doesn't know, I am chassidish and grew up with corporal punishment. It's a very different world from 20 years ago. Not that it was ok then, but even if it was, it's not a proof in any way that it's right for this generation. Even (and maybe especially) in the chassidishe velt.

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 4:48 pm

Part of me is shocked and wants to give the OP the benefit of the doubt here.

Part of me hopes the OP is a troll and not real, and there are some folks on the internet having a great amount of entertainment from all of us flipping out.

My mother would beat the c*** out of me for any "infraction", and I wasn't a bad or chutzpadik kid. I was a straight A, straight laced, obedient kid.

I suffered pulled hair, pulled ears, bloody noses, a chipped tooth, spankings where she clearly meant it, having my face or back of hands smacked with a spatula or the back of a brush. No. One. Knew. No. One. Helped. It never occurred to me to stop it.

But, hey, at least she didn't throw furniture or actually beat me with a belt. (like her father did--and like she'd remind me)

I'm ~40 yrs old. I haven't spoken to my mom in almost 8 years, and I was the last child who would still talk to her then.

I have a hard time not reacting with anger towards my kids and numbed myself growing up to all kinds of compassion and feeling because I had to be a robot, and in part, it's because I "learned" this type of parenting. Thankfully, it stops at yelling, and it is rare, and it's nothing like what would be yelled at me, but it is in anger and it's not how I want to be to my kids. Sad

amother

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 4:50 pm

amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:

I'm so sorry you went through that. That is definitely abusive and that's not what I'm referring to at all. That's horrible.

pause

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 4:50 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It's not easy to change an ingrained mindset. You think this way is right (and so did I my first few years as a parent) because you were raised this way.

If you are looking for resources to become informed, there are many books and parenting courses to take that will give you a whole different perspective on what it means to be an effective parent, in addition to givng you practical tools.

amother

Tan

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 4:52 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It seems like, in your gut, you know it’s wrong to hit with a belt. Try not doing it next time, use words as discipline, and you will see how much better you feel for doing the right thing.

amother

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 4:54 pm

pause wrote:

Ok could you recommend some books? I don't think I'd take a parenting course unless it's confidential or over the phone. Thanks.

pause

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 4:55 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Ok could you recommend some books? I don't think I'd take a parenting course unless it's confidential or over the phone. Thanks.

Sure. I'm in a bit of a rush right now, but I'll be back later to night to post some suggestions.

amother

Magenta

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 5:13 pm

Op time to get in touch with yourself. Learn about different ways to teach your children than with pain. Listen to your heart, your gut feeling, you know hurting your kids isn't right, and you need to quiet the voice that saying but everyone did that and we are fine. Because really we are not fine with getting hurt by the people who should love us the most. Perhaps we were conditioned to believe that that is the true way. Time to question those beliefs.
There are so many parenting resources today. Keep your eyes open and you'll find some that resonate with your soul.

PeanutMama

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 5:18 pm

I was hit as a child with a belt and a cord and a hanger AND the chancla (flip flop in Spanish) if I did something stupid or wrong and if I was being a chutzpah I’d get a firm smack on the mouth. It’s very common in some cultures to smack a kid but definitely not okay to smack them around for every little thing.
My mother and stepfather are kinda into the whole smacking thing but they believe they do it for our best so we don’t do the wrong things or hang out with the wrong people.
Not saying that I agree with it but now that I’m older and an adult I realize why they did that and honestly I’m glad I got smacked because I WAS being disrespectful or I was about to do something really stupid and silly.

Like once at 5-6 years old I nearly ran into the street and my stepdad grabbed me and smacked me 3 times.
From then on I never ran into the street again because I know there are cars that we have to look out for

Blessing1

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 5:24 pm

OP, slapping a kid with a belt or any object is straight up abuse. There's no excuse or justification for this. You are abusing your kids. They're probably so well behaved because they're afraid of the consequences. This has nothing to do with being chasiddish, I don't know any chassidish people that do this. You're just excusing your abuse.
My kids don't get hit and they're far from animals bh. A parent that doesn't hit their kids does not mean that they don't discipline. On the contrary, you don't discipline, you "only" slap them with a belt so your kids are afraid to misbehave. Quick easy fix......

Last edited by Blessing1 on Tue, Sep 08 2020, 5:29 pm; edited 1 time in total