Nice Parenting Ruining Kids?

notshanarishona

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 8:25 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I do not beat my children. I've never yelled at my children and I don't run after them like a wild woman. This is where cultural may pose a barrier since I imagine the more modern the less likely to have grown up with corporal punishment whereas I'm pretty confident most of my peers have.

Many of us grew up with corporal punishment.. and because of that will never do it to our children. Have a heart, take some parenting classes, and get on birth control until you can raise nice children without abusing them. Here is an example of a thread that Yael should find out the name and send child services to investigate. I can’t believe that if’s still common place. Definitely not recommended bu any educators , rabannim, or psychologists that I have heard.

ExtraCredit

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 8:26 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

We BH have amazing kids. We don't have issues in school, everyone is BH happy, easy going, well behaved, well liked. Some are more out going, some are more quiet. Some are smarter some are nicer. But I constantlg am complemented on how mature, respectful, kind and calm our children are. A lot of that is nature because DH is the nicest person ever. He loves making people feel good and I have never seen him angry or been mean.

Because of that discipline falls 100% on me and I'm more of an old school follower. DH would never yell at or hit a child but he does support me 100% and we agree to never disagree in front of our children.

I have pretty rigid parenting skills and expectations. I'm warm and loving but a rule is a rule and I don't think it is wrong to say bedtime is 730 and bedtime is bedtime. I'd say I'm just like super nanny but I also use petch because I believe it is right. So yes, I can slap a child with a belt here and there if warranted. I really believe this is correct but on the other hand I'm jealous of my husband who would never think of that but I feel that chinuch approach is wrong.

My parents were very strict and big believers in corporal punishment but not one of my 16 kah siblings all married have any issues with my parents and certainly don't think they were ever unfair. All of my siblings are happy functional people. I see my classmates who seem mostly fine as well; however, my children's classmates are animals in my opinion and I think it's because my peers have no discipline and very little corporal punishment. On the other hand, I want to be a softy since I know DH would like that too but I can't discuss it with him since he is a more closed personality and also because I feel strongly that if I didn't parent like this our kids would behave like 90% of the animals out there.

This may be more relatable to Chassidishe posters so sorry if it goes over your head as culturally weird. Just looking to hear if others have felt the same or how to explore what kind of parents I want to be. We have 6 kids so far KAH in late 20s/early 30s.

Omg I only read the OP so no clue if this was mentioned yet but you slap your kids with a belt? You keep referring to kids as animals? Are you for real? No, it’s absolutely not relatable to Chassidisha posters, you have an extremely horrified one right here Banging head

ExtraCredit

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 8:31 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Ok so this is where I have guilt because part of me agrees with these sentiments but then the other half feels so strongly that the other way is right. And I'm not talking about abuse chv or bruises or anything wild. That's why I'm wondering if there is a way for a person to ever truly know what is right or explore that? Can a person change something for a chance it may be nicer but then feel wrong because they have strong feelings the other way? Where can I even get information about it?

My post isn't to brag about corporal punishment. I am looking for resources or ways to figure out a path that may not be what I think is right. Not sure I'm making sense.

Um, no. You’re not making sense at all.

Blessing1

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 8:32 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Ok. I'm erasing my post and I will send a PM to Pause to ask her for the parenting books. Did not want to trigger people at all. And did not mean anything in that direction.

Deleting the post does not delete what you're doing. You need serious help. I don't know why your husband agree's to this, he's allowing the abuse to go on. Parenting books won't solve this! You need professional help. If I'm not mistaken, I think you can be arrested for this.

Last edited by Blessing1 on Tue, Sep 08 2020, 8:37 pm; edited 1 time in total

Coffee beanz

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 8:32 pm

Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:

I was hit as a child with a belt and a cord and a hanger AND the chancla (flip flop in Spanish) if I did something stupid or wrong and if I was being a chutzpah I’d get a firm smack on the mouth. It’s very common in some cultures to smack a kid but definitely not okay to smack them around for every little thing.
My mother and stepfather are kinda into the whole smacking thing but they believe they do it for our best so we don’t do the wrong things or hang out with the wrong people.
Not saying that I agree with it but now that I’m older and an adult I realize why they did that and honestly I’m glad I got smacked because I WAS being disrespectful or I was about to do something really stupid and silly.

Like once at 5-6 years old I nearly ran into the street and my stepdad grabbed me and smacked me 3 times.
From then on I never ran into the street again because I know there are cars that we have to look out for

Running into the street is one of the only good reasons I can think of to hit. For me sending back in the house and not being allowed out for a while taught them. But either way a belt scares me.

ExtraCredit

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 8:35 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Ok. I'm erasing my post and I will send a PM to Pause to ask her for the parenting books. Did not want to trigger people at all. And did not mean anything in that direction.

I’m honestly weak in my knees from this thread. No judgement, but I beg you. No slapping with belts because I’m afraid one day you’ll wish your kids will look like the animals you were referring to instead of way worse.

amother

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 8:37 pm

nkw wrote:

Running into the street is one of the only good reasons I can think of to hit. For me sending back in the house and not being allowed out for a while taught them. But either way a belt scares me.

So I wouldn't hit a child for going into a road since I feel like that is the parents responsibility to make sure the child isn't in the road. If the kid is in the road, it is the parent who needs a patch. I also would never patch a kid in a way that actually physically hurts or leaves any mark that is 100% wrong in my opinion. That is also why I never scream because it is traumatic. But I would love to know how to set limits in a way that is healthy but not permissive like I see most of my classmates doing with their kids.

mum22

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 8:38 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Ok. I'm erasing my post and I will send a PM to Pause to ask her for the parenting books. Did not want to trigger people at all. And did not mean anything in that direction.

You can delete all you like
It doesn’t change the fact that where I live you would be in prison for your terrible behaviour towards your children.

I am not chassidish, but I work under the principal of a belz school.
The parents are warm kindhearted people, generous and expressive of their love for their children.

Your hitting children with a belt has nothing to do with chassidus.

Treat your children in the manner in which you would like to be treated.
If you are struggling with the laundry would you like DH to belt you. Or to discuss how to help you out with a challenging situation.

Your children are young. Make it up to them.
Make them and yourself proud by doing true teshuva.

Blimi Heller is a parent coach, she can offer you private sessions.

Best of luck
Health happiness and nachas

#BestBubby

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 8:39 pm

OP, I agree with you that permissive parenting is ruining kids.

I am ok with being strict and a rule is a rule. I am even OK with giving a potch (ONE) with your hand on a hand or butt for kids under age 7.

But hitting with a belt is abuse and can get you in trouble with CPS. Even if you don't get in trouble with CPS, there is a high risk that your children will be estranged from you, ch"v. Your children will find out that they are abused and will be very resentful towards you.

There are non-corporal punishments you can give: time out in room, writing lines (I will not be chutzpadik), taking away favorite toy, losing electronics/screen time, earlier bedtime etc.

But before I give a punishment for misbehavior, I would have a heart to heart talk with the child explaining why the behavior is wrong and seeing if the child sincerely apologizes and says will try not to do it again. If the behavior keeps repeating then punishment should be tried.

Make sure your expectations are reasonable for the INDIVIDUAL child - not all children are capable of the same behavior even if they are the same age.

Hatzlochah.

Blessing1

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 8:40 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Hitting with a belt doesn't actually physically hurt?? Are you normal?

Last edited by Blessing1 on Tue, Sep 08 2020, 8:40 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Copper

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 8:40 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Hitting with a belt doesn't leave a mark? Are you serious with this?

Coffee beanz

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 8:40 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It sounds like you are having internal conflict and I think you need someone to help guide you through this time. Rebbetzin spetner is supposed to have good parenting courses. But I really think you should see someone who can give you 1:1 attention and tailor their advice specifically to you and your family dynamic. I dont think a book is enough.
Please take this step for the sake of your children.

amother

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 8:42 pm

mum22 wrote:

You can delete all you like
It doesn’t change the fact that where I live you would be in prison for your terrible behaviour towards your children.

You obviously do not live in the US where this is legal and has been upheld by courts, but that doesn't change the fact that I agree it is not the best parenting method. It's just confusing when you have been raised a certain way and do feel you were raised right but still see that there can be another type of right which may actually be more right when you get down to it because why be mean or scarey when you can be nice and informative.

ExtraCredit

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 8:43 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I’m afraid you got one patch too many as a child. Your whole approach is very negative. I’m legitimately worried for your kids. Really hope you get the help you need before destroying your kids.
( I hope you know me well enough to know that it’s not my style to post this way but I honestly feel this is a case of potential child abuse. I’m really saying all this with your children’s physical and mental wellbeing in mind)

Mommyg8

Tue, Sep 08 2020, 8:48 pm

OP, you are 100% right. This was a very common parenting method and these women who are judging you are just not getting it. Its not abuse and not related to abuse.

And no, I'm not being sarcastic.

You see for yourself, the proof is in the pudding. Maybe people should be asking YOU for parenting tips instead of the other way around.

(Just don't use a belt, its outdated nowadays).

PS I can tell you're new to imamother.

Last edited by Mommyg8 on Tue, Sep 08 2020, 8:48 pm; edited 1 time in total