Asking children to pay for their own living expenses

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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#BestBubby

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 11:19 am

amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:

It’s really uncommon to ask your child to pay for basic stuff. Rather they should save there money for when they get married. Extra stuff yes you can ask them to pay for.

My parents had no money I paid for everything I always resented it none of my friends had that . To this day I still resent that.

Who do you resent - your parents who had no money, or Hashem who decided you should grow
up in a poor family?

#BestBubby

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 11:22 am

Of course an adult getting free room and board should pay their own expenses.

And help out at home.

And encouraged to save as much as possible for after they get married.

I am proud of my DD who automatically paid for her clothes and entertainment/vacations
once she started working - we never even had to ask. And she managed to save a large
sum of money for marriage.

ShishKabob

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 11:33 am

#BestBubby wrote:

This! Beautiful

Chayalle

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 11:43 am

I have DD's in same age range. I want them to save since B"EH they will need it in the future. I'm happy to be supporting them till they get married. So I pay for their basic toiletries, clothes, etc...

But they pay if they eat out with friends. Or if they want a new kind of lipstick. Or if they want another pair of shoes they found on sale but already have for the season. Stuff like that. They also bought their own cars. I split the insurance with them, and I pay for gas for normal use (if they go on vacation with their friends, they pay or work it out with friends....)

ETA I don't pay for the college tuition. I paid thru seminary and past that they pay (student loans, work, etc...)

nchr

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 11:55 am

You could just take her entire paycheck and give her petty cash for spending money...

amother

Khaki

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 11:57 am

nchr wrote:

You could just take her entire paycheck and give her petty cash for spending money...

I don't get this concept. Don't you want your daughter to grow up? Or do you want her to stay a dependent child?

Chayalle

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 12:01 pm

nchr wrote:

You could just take her entire paycheck and give her petty cash for spending money...

Are you serious?

nchr

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 12:02 pm

amother [ Khaki ] wrote:

I don't get this concept. Don't you want your daughter to grow up? Or do you want her to stay a dependent child?

You could argue that paying for her college is just as stifling.

SixOfWands

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 12:16 pm

amother [ Taupe ] wrote:

I would think basic toiletries, food, clothing, etc are paid for. Clothing and makeup-remember she may need newer nicer things if she’s “on the market”. If she wants to go skydiving or out with friends to a restaurant, that can be her own funds. Personally my parents didn’t let me pay for anything but Then told me what I could/couldn’t do. I think a healthy balance is allowing her entertainment and luxuries from her own money

Pretty much.

I consider my college students to still be kids. I pay their tuition and their (reasonable) room and board. I pay for their (reasonable) clothing. If I'm willing to pay up to $200 for a winter coat once during their college years, and they lose the coat, they buy a new one. Or if they want a Moncler, instead of the warm, sturdy North Face I'll pay for, the difference is on them. Vacations, boat trips, things like that, they have to pay for. I usually just give them money each month, and they figure it out. So maybe they're skimping on shampoo and I am paying for the boat, who knows.

#BestBubby

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 12:34 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

OP was talking about a child who is working, not a college student (who should work p/t to pay
for spending money)

singleagain

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 12:38 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

OP was talking about a child who is working, not a college student (who should work p/t to pay
for spending money)

Not everyone is able to handle full time school and part time work.

nchr

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 12:41 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Are you serious?

Yes. That's definitely standard in my community. Parents pay the entire wedding and often help with rent for 2-5 years. Why shouldn't they be taking her paycheck? Her money halachically belongs to the father.

amother

Amethyst

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 1:01 pm

When I was at that stage my parents took care of room and board. Wtvr food/basics they bought for the rest of the family I was free to partake in if I chose but if I wanted to "upgrade" I paid on my own. There were times I "helped out" or contributed to purchases for the family as well- like before YT or if I happened to be home to pay the cleaning lady or something.
Starting from HS I bought all my own clothes, shoes, paid my own phone bill and paid for any extras as well- going out for lunch, makeup, outings w friends... I worked in the summers for my spending $ during the year. Come from a largish family and that was the expectation, I resented sometimes but mostly just accepted it. Also paid for sem and college on my own, and set up my own house (my parents/inlaws paid the wedding expenses).
Compared to DH whose parents paid for everything, I def have a better sense of responsibility towards finances and I think I had a healthy balance.
I think it also makes a diff where u r in the family/how long uve been single. I'm from the older part of the fam so mom was cooking dinner anyways for everyone else but for a 30yr old only daughter the balance may look different.

amother

Khaki

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 1:04 pm

nchr wrote:

You could argue that paying for her college is just as stifling.

Most people I know paid for college on their own. Including me. Student loans.

BTW. When I got my first f/t job while living at home, it was up to me to figure out paying maaser, paying my monthly student loan, paying car payment, car insurance, phone bill etc.
It was a natural progression though, because I had been paying for my own extras for years.
Someone who has never experienced any of that will likely be very overwhelmed when they marry and suddenly need to figure everything out all at once. Why are people who are getting married still being treated as children up to the day of their chuppah. I guess it is cultural but I think there are a lot of downsides to this approach.

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 1:09 pm

nchr wrote:

Ok this is horrible misconception. Wrong wrong wrong.

No, her money does NOT halachically belong to her father once she is past the age of 12. It belongs to her.

He can tell her, if you don't give me your paycheck, I'm kicking you out of the house.
But it is not automatically his.

nchr

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 1:31 pm

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

AFAIK the only time a money belongs to a woman is if she is a divorcee or has entered into an agremeent with her husband where he is no longer required to provide what he halachically should in exchange for her keeping her finances separate and her own.

SixOfWands

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 1:44 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

OP was talking about a child who is working, not a college student (who should work p/t to pay
for spending money)

Actually her DD is in college and working:

Quote:

19 year old DD started her first “real” job this year (meaning not a babysitter or daycamp counselor). She’s living at home and going to college.

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 1:51 pm

nchr wrote:

Well, you're incorrect. Double check your sources.

A single woman above the age of a katan (12) owns any money she earns. Her father has no automatic halachic right to it.

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 1:52 pm

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

Why the hug???

keym

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 1:57 pm

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

Well, you're incorrect. Double check your sources.

A single woman above the age of a katan (12) owns any money she earns. Her father has no automatic halachic right to it.

True. But if she has any money of her own, he also has absolutely no halachic obligation to provide anything for her- not a roof, not bread, nothing. If she has no money, his halachic obligation is only the Halacha of tzedaka.

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